I feel trapped and I'm at wit's end. I've never posted on a forum before but this is a great community & I've learned a lot over the past 6 months, so I am reaching out for help. My father is a narcissist who will never appreciate the sacrifice I made for our family. He treats me like his enemy instead of thanking me for doing the most selfless act a child can do in order to keep mom home. I'm an only child who had a successful career (out of state) and realized that when it was time for mom to either go home or stay in a nursing home, he was perfectly content leaving her in a home. My mother is recovering from brain surgery and status epilepticus (twice). The mere fact that she got to this point was my realization that g-d wanted her home, and I needed to come home. Many don't survive going status once, let alone twice. My mother (who received her doctorate) also didn't work her whole life, as the bread winner of our family, for her husband to leave her in a nursing home, because it made his life easier. I said I would come home and help her back to health and we agreed he could pay me whatever he would have paid an aide. Without getting into the semantics, I'm sure you all know where this leads. He's relinquished his promise on funding, yells and screams, talks bad about me to other family members, gaslights me, lies to my mother when I'm not present (bullying), makes fun of me, says I'm too sensitive, says I don't do anything for him, yells in front of my mom (and my dogs), lies to me, breaks agreements and promises (doesn't care; has no remorse), says call a lawyer (which I have NO time for and he knows, as I'm a full time caretaker) and the list goes on. The next morning he will be all happy and cheery like nothing happened then snap, and it happens all over again. Tells me life was better without me in it mind you he can't do anything for himself other than eat and poop. He's in chronic pain and refuses to get help. Tells me it's none of my gd business (though mom and I take the brunt of it). I walk on egg shells because I don't know who or what monster I'm going to get. He's practically exiled me from any family because of the constant lies he tells them and I don't have endless hours to sit and talk in the phone like he does. All he does is sit, watch TV, make fun of me or complain about something, out me down, instigate then lock himself in his room. He spends no time with his wife and if he does, he winds up blaming me for something and yells and leaves. It's vicious and I'm at my breaking point. He's promised he would stop yelling buy he can't and he doesn't care. It lasted a few hours. He promised he would stop bad mouthing me to family and I overheard him talking in the bathroom to our cousin about me. My own father outright lied to me. I don't know how much more I and/or my mother can handle but he knows I can't leave for many reasons . . . 1) I have no where to go 2) mom is solely dependent on me (PEG tube and non ambulatory). When I say I can't do this anymore because I deserve respect he says leave! I ask what his plan is? He says that he'll call 911, they'll take care of her. I didn't come this far for his selfishness to take us down. There has to be a way out, a light at the end of the tunnel. He contributes zero. He has control issues, says the money and house is his but mom worked her whole life for this, he raised me (can you believe it)? She had a successful career and he's living off of it now. He controls the money, her, everything. I'm so scared and truly don't know what to do. I used to be so happy! Mom too! And I see us retreating ... Some days we don't leave my room. I cook for her, clean, take care of two dogs, order medical supplies, medicines, try to be a cheerleader, educator, keep her happy, do activities with her, etc. etc. but everyday this is getting harder and harder. We're going on six months and he's becoming unbearable. Please help!
What I think is clear is that mommy and daddy have quite the dysfunctional relationship and this adult child has been drawn into it in an unhealthy way.
This adult child needs to extricate and move on.
You are being triangulated by BOTH of your parents. If your mother didn't want to be controlled by your father, she would have divorced him years ago. If she is still competent, she can still do so.
Does your mother want to leave and go elsewhere with you? They why don't you? Does your mother have access to her retirement money and savings? Why is SHE not paying you for caregiving?
Please start looking out for yourself. No one else is doing so.
Get a certified elder attorney and file for guardianship of him. Put him in memory care. Then decide if you should bring mom back home. This will cost but you can use their money once you get DPOA of mom.
Dont threaten. Don’t complain. Just take action.
Get help from a good attorney so you don’t make missteps.
If your mom isn’t willing and that may be something else you will discover, then you are better off to get her placed and leave. From what you have written, you aren’t helping the situation. You might be hurting it.
If his abuse is escalating, if he hits you or Mom call the police and have him removed. Tell them you fear for your lives. My opinion, he wants you both gone.
It sounds as though your parents have a thoroughly dysfunctional relationship. Mom gets a PhD and then doesn't work? Not even in a volunteer capacity to use those skills? There is something so very wrong with this picture.
What is wrong, in your view, with your mother getting professional care in a facility?
Has she had a professional needs assessment?
Would your mother want you to give up your career and financial well-being in order to do battle with your father to keep her at home?
In your shoes, I would simply move out and get back to your own life. Your parents' marriage is THEIR marriage and whether or not if's dysfunctional isn't your affair.
If they are mentally competent, they get to make their own decisions.
"My mother (who received her doctorate) also didn't work her whole life, as the bread winner of our family, for her husband to leave her in a nursing home, because it made his life easier."
"He has control issues, says the money and house is his but mom worked her whole life for this, he raised me (can you believe it)? She had a successful career and he's living off of it now. "
What's best for daughter? Being a 24/7 carer under huge stress? Or having a more peaceful life - balancing maybe part-time work & caring/visiting Mother in a skilled nursing home?
I think Lov3Lif3 had good intentions but needs professional input asap to get a HEALTHIER plan.
Hospice input if Dad will allow. Otherwise report to APS or even 911 Mother out if very unwell/unsafe.
I read your post earlier on today and have thought about it for a while. We are in very similar circumstances.
Although my mother is not as ill as yours. I am truly sorry for the situation that you find yourself in, and you have been given very good advice from people here. I agree with you getting POA for your mother, and maybe starting proceedings with you father's doctor regarding his mental health. You differ from me, though, in your description, you don't describe your father as a narcissist when you were growing up, you sound really hurt and shocked now.
So that makes me wonder if something has changed drastically with your father? Or was he always like this? Keep recordings of the rants on your mobile phone, it will slow you down (less likely to respond or take the bait), and you will have proof when dealing with healthcare professionals of the state he gets himself into.
But realistically, you should find alternative care for your mother, and then get out of the situation.
Why go down with them? I know I sound awful, but you are taking on so much trouble, and you didn't say if you were a nurse/health care professional. Your Mother sounds like she needs professional care. Wouldn't it be a relief for her to get away from your father?
I know how it can get so bad that you can't think straight, but you must. Take time away from the situation, and if you can't leave your Mother alone for an hour, then you are way in over your head and cannot provide the care she needs.
Make plans to save yourself, it may take a while, but you really must look after yourself.
I wish you the very best.
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