Adult children in different state called me after I did not hear from them for 6 months. Thoughts?
Asking me not to talk to their mom about her assets. I am a volunteer advocate as this woman had no one. She has not heard from her 45 year old daughter in 6 months. This daughter calls me up and tells me her mom's budget for caregiving, and I wanted to say "Why are you calling me?" She was concerned as people are advising her to refinance and if the mom needs help, she should call them.
My part in it. I am a caregiver and was too busy to caregive for her. I sis put advocating for 6 months. I found an awesome team. The day after this daughter tells me to cut back on them.
I know this has nothing to do with me, but does it? But, it is so obvious she wants mom's assets and mom is only 71. I asked her who the mom's medical poa is, she would not tell me. Again she never calls or sees her.
Thoughts?
16 Answers
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To whom did you client apply for help??
"I have nothing to do with anything other than to see the look on the mothers face of the contentment and feeling loved was worth all of the words I said wrong, incorrectly."
Do you have an accurate, unbiased history of this family? From both sides?
We are being blunt because you appear to be an outsider who is catering to this clients "wants" while at the same time not attending to the limitation of her income/assets.
Frankly, I think you are reasoning from a false assumption. Someone who is broadcasting their assets has a cognitive problem.
That is another assumption of yours, because finances and assets are important. This woman’s daughter could be worried about finances because her mother is still relatively young and is thinking her mother may need money for her future care needs.
When you bring a question to a public forum you are inviting discussion. It’s not being judgemental but more like presenting different scenarios.
It appears that your heart is in the right place but please don’t jump into such complicated situations & expect everyone to agree with you. You have come here voluntarily and ask for the forum’s “thoughts”.
You assume the daughter doesn’t care because she only called her mother once in 6 months. You don’t really know that for sure. The woman may be playing you! You’ve stated this woman leaves her financial info all around the house for all to see. She may not be of sound mind or she could be adept at manipulation.
You make assumptions: who doesn’t call their mother for 6 whole months? Must be a bad daughter. Yet her son is around frequently. Daughter asking you not to talk about her mother’s assets - don’t you see why this would be a concern?
You are comparing their relationship to you and your mother’s. If you are going to be an objective “helper” you have to be willing to work with others that do not share your opinion, wipe the slate clean and not have your opinion get in the way AT ALL. I am a RN, have been for 40 years. I have seen many funky family situations over the years and am willing to accept that those situations I may think are odd *work* for that family unit. Abuse, a totally different story - I report it & fight like the devil as a patient advocate.
Use this as a a learning experience and keep moving forward.
What exactly is your issue? I don’t mean to be glib. Do you now feel uncomfortable with the arrangements? That the daughter got on the phone & said her mother has a $1200 budget for home care? That won’t go too far.
Does mother have to refinance her home to pay for her care or are her assets liquid?
Lets turn the tables for a moment. What if this was your mother & a stranger appeared in her life. Over time that stranger and your mother have developed a relationship and now the stranger is no longer a stranger but essentially a CG/advocate running ads, interviewing staff, signing forms, getting paperwork together.
Maybe the daughter is wary of you. You haven’t really said anything nice about the daughter so I can assume you’ve formed your opinion on her & it’s not viewed as warm and fuzzy. Maybe she senses this. I too would be on the look out to assure the stranger doesn’t overstep professional CG barriers where my mother was concerned. But you are not really her CG nor a friend. So yes there is enough red flags for me as a daughter and I will monitor you to protect mom.
What is your worry? Are you second guessing your decision to arrange for care? Did you do something that you regret or are you afraid of litigation? Something you are not certified legally to do?
I am still unclear.
I say this gently....it’s better to be seen as working as a team with the client & their family unless the client chooses to shut out her kids. You’ve pre-judged her daughter as uncaring and cheap with mom’s resources but her mother is competent and writes the checks to the CG agency so it is a non issue. Something is bothering you about all these transactions, it seems. Do you feel you shouldn’t have did what you did?
Moving forward use this as a learning experience in your quest to be an elderly advocate.
I would never not talk to my mother. The mother has stated her daughter has issues. I don't care I don't want to know about that stuff.
I had everything nice to say about her when I met her one week ago. Then she said she wanted to call to let her brother know what we talked about when we met. She called and took the floor and all she cared about was not her mother, but the finances.
I just don't care anymore, I am sorry but if I have many positives on my caregiving, why would the daughter call me, I don't know, but I don't have to talk to her again.
I have been doing this for 15 years, I did just get 7 months ago my certification to be a Elderly Advocate in my State.
Nothing is bothering me. What I tried, was getting back on Aging care and I still find it the same. Number one. right a question that is simple. That is my first lesson, and 2, it appears that people are judging me and they don't know me but that does not matter.
All I was wonder was one question.
But, thanks to all of the support I have received I took it to my Elder Care Attorney, because it was obvious this was too detailed to write here and I did not mean to confuse everyone, but I did not mean to be the stranger that shows up on the door.
And I get it, get along with the kids, 15 years, do you know what adult kids are like at times, when mom and dads money is involved.
This is to me the best job in the world, caring for those who need care, but to me the family is what makes or breaks my jobs.
I have 5 wonderful families that treat me like gold. That is all I want to say, and I truly feel blessed. All I wanted was one woman to get the support she was not getting from her children, and I know that because they live across country.
She finally found support God Bless to her
What I get from it is that it throws you off that after you do all this work probono that this woman has a daughter who knows her Moms income but does not get involved with her care.
I think the problem is u don't finish your thoughts. And, sorry, I personally am not comfortable with people who toot their own horn.
At this point I think you should step back. Like it or not her children need to help her. You have found her resources its now her children's job to use them.
I am 70 and I hope at 71 I could figure out what I have to work with when it comes to money. I would think as an advocate you would need to be aware of a person's finances to be able to know what resources she would need and afford.
I have stepped back, and am. I will let you know that her children will not help her, they told me that yesterday. It is too weird of a situation to write out.
I don't give a darn how much I did, it is the end result. A person that is disabled that had no help that I was able to find help for.
How did I get involved between the mother and daughter. They have not been speaking for 6 months. I don't know the drama .
I will end this post with I have learned a lot.
I can see why they told you not to talk to their mom about her assets-her assets are really none of your business. You are apparently doing this “pro bono”/for free so they are probably concerned and wondering what your motives are. You say the daughter also told you that if mom needs help she should call them, well she’s right. I think you back off and let her kids handle things.
I am a very positive person, and reading this and the responses is obvious that I am the one that did not word any of this correctly.
I want NO glory for any of what I do, this has been my passion since I cared for my mother for 12 years.
Next time, maybe I will rewrite something that makes no sense.
Regardless of all that, My motives are this "pay it forward", why is that such a bad thing. I want not one thing but for this woman who applied for help to get the help she needs and now she does and that makes me happy.
I have nothing to do with anything other than to see the look on the mothers face of the contentment and feeling loved was worth all of the words I said wrong, incorrectly.
I want to say something though. Why are people so at times blunt on here.
I did not write this to get any star, I wrote it because after 6 months a daughter calls me and tells me all of this stuff which I find odd, because her mother and her had not talked for 6 months.
Thanks have a good day.
My mother always pretended to be an angel to her "friends" and family but is the meanest person I've ever known. Over the last half century she has painted herself as the innocent victim and me, the only one who stands up to her, as the monster who left inexplicably and won't have any more to do with her. She leaves her will lying around, turned to the page that shows what each person will get so that she can be in control and have everyone flock around and suck up to her.
What little you've said about this woman rings a bell--there may be more to the story than met your eye.
No one is accusing this woman of elder fraud, but I do think there is a family here with "issues" as she says, that she can have no idea of, and any sort of explosion of accusations would leave her in trouble. She says that she is a Licensed Advocate. I don't even know what that is and haven't heard of it, but there are more things in heaven than I know of; my concern would be for her licensure.
I think she would be well advised to step away from what is clearly a mess; the woman is receiving good care and is not in danger and is not in need of help; she has no dementia. And does have help ready should she require it.
The caregiver has suggested in her original post, at the end, that the daughter wants the Mom's assets. While the daughter may not be overly fond of the Mom--who is to know--she has suggested that the Mom has budgets 1,200 per month to spend on in home care. This doesn't sound to me like someone trying to wring cash out of a failing parent. And the fact that the advocate feels this way about the family suggests that she has made her mind up, and may no longer be a disinterested party in this matter.
Just my thoughts.
But I'm not much less confused.
Makeadifference - to go back to Square 1, WHY does a woman of seventy-one need caregivers?
And, just to pick up on one detail, adults of sound mind do not generally announce their financial information to everybody who walks into their condo.
Again, I applaud you for caring what becomes of this lady, but I'm not at all sure that you're not seriously out of your depth.
She has her income for all to see when she walks in the house. That is who she is.
You are correct. I am a very private person
Out of my depth. ????
I have been a paid unpaid private consultant, Concierge, Aide, Advocate all certified and licensed.
This story is over. I should have never started writing it, there are so many people on here that "oh what are the motives" that makes someone feel wierd. I write on an Aging Care,I thought the word care means these people care.
My motives were simple, "pay it forward" After you pay it forward you move on. I will obviously not focus on this one, as I myself would never ever again work for a family with difficult children. And yes, children that tell me they have and won't come up because of their mom are 1, not taking good care of her, and 2. they choose to pick on the volunteer, whatever my life is moving on
Thanks though for you politeness
You are a volunteer advocate for a woman with Dementia. The woman is 71.
You have found her an awesome team.
The women's daughter called you and told you what her mother's resources are?
Who is going to refinance what property?
Who holds Financial POA for this woman?
She does NOT have dementia at all.
She was on care.com. I wrote the add, she picked the people.
She was of sound mind body and able to make changes to anything. I have a talent for knowing someone and then finding them. I am a certified Advocate that normally gets paid to do this, but this one woman I felt needed assistance and that assistance has built her self esteem and actually now she feels so much love and assistance.
The woman's daughter called me as I guess she now wants to get involved, as possibly she thinks I have a motive. Ask the homeless what my motive was. Ask the young man who I paid it forward what the motive was. My motive, is that I want to as much as I can afford help people in this area because I know alot about this business and about the people in the care business and want to always to my best to lead people in the right direction.
An Advocate be it paid or unpaid is trained and they are the roadmap through the eldercare process.
It was just an odd call, and the mother is really frustrated, because this budget stuff was from when the children came there four years ago. She became homebound with huge gaping vascular sores. I gave her my comment: I am driving you to the ER.
Thanks for your advice
I took ads out on care.com that she paid for and I wrote the ads she picked the people, and I was there to help her interview, because I have the experience.
Barely enough for the cost.
I don't want any glory, but she has a social worker, an in home RN a Physical therapy and occupational therapy.
She is homebound.
She can live yes.
I want to know nothing anymore. I wish people knew that I am only human, and I left this site years ago for the reasons that people need to be more careful with their words.
my husband said he is married to "one of the most compassionate loving women for the elderly that he knows"
The end.
When it comes to caring for a "client" one usually speaks to whomever is the financial Power of Attorney before any caregivers are hired. How is the caregiver or caregivers being paid? I would assume the family POA is handling this matter.
One also needs to remember, whenever someone has Alzheimer's/Dementia it is not usual for them to make up stories, like the client telling you she has no one. The client could very easily be speaking with her grown children on a regular basis but telling you something totally different.
This could also be a case where the client refuses to leave her home to move closer to her children. Or refuses to move into Assisted Living/Memory Care. Thus, the children do not want to enable the situation.
Considering the client's age is only 71 or 72, Alzheimer's can be part of her life for up to 15 years, thus I can understand her children wanting to be careful with Mom's funds so the funds can last over those years. Aging is costly, I know I had major sticker shock when it came to my parents own care.
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