I feel so angry & resentful often while caring for my elderly mom. She was an absolute tyrant, so mean & cruel to us (her children) growing up. She was emotionally abusive, & would yell & scream at the drop of a hat. I was well behaved because her wrath terrified me. I would walk on eggshells & try to be “invisible.”
We are all adults now & my sister & I are the only ones who live close to our mom however my sister lives here only 6 months of the year so I’m solely responsible most of the time. I hate my feelings of resentment & if I’m being honest, hatred at times, toward my mom. I’m just looking for any advice on managing these feelings. I don’t want to feel so hateful.
Thank you.
He gives in to her demands every single time she asks for anything.
I don't suggest it. It's destroying him.
"Tough talk' years ago would have been good. Boundaries. Not taking her crap all the time. Calling her on the lies and abuse. Staying away when she 'misbehaves'.
Treating her with respect b/c she IS his mother, but not playing along when she throws tantrums.
For him, it's 70 years too late. But for you? You can save yourself.
This forum is a good place to be for advice and calming words. It's saving my sanity.
((Hugs)) you are not alone!
I did not know I was placing boundries with my Mom. When she had to stop driving, I then took her where she needed to go. Once a week was grocery shopping and errands and lunch out. I was working p/t so appts were made at my convenience. Since we live in the same town, I was able to go to the pharmacy for her and run an errand for her but again it was when I could unless something urgent. I didn't get paid if I did not work. Remember, Mom needs u more than you need her and she needs to realize that.
NEVER allow this woman to live with you. She is very lucky her children do anything for her. I know what walking on eggshells is like, and I refused to do it for the rest of my life. They get mad, they get glad and if they don't get glad, oh well.
No is a one word sentence
When saying NO, you are not responsible for the reaction you get (from the book, Boundaries, by Townsend and Cloud. You may want to read it)
My mantra...I am here to help people find the way, not be the way
You may want to look up the "Grey Rock Method". You may need to learn to block Out Mom. But first, you must tell her what you expect from her if she continues to abuse you. Tell her if things don't change, u will no longer be there for her. After that, you ignore her when she is abusive.. Just do what you are there for and then leave. If it gets too much. Just walk out the door. You don't have to answer all her calls let go to voicemail. Put ur phone on Do not Disturb. Block her. Your in charge not her. You need to demand that respect. For your sanity, you may need to spend less time with her. Again, you are justified to have the feelings you do.
Do you feel responsible because she raised you? That was her job as a parent. She wasn’t loving or kind. How can she expect you to think of her warmly now?
Call Council on Aging and ask for a needs assessment. Tell them that you are not interested in providing the care for your mother. Ask them to help you select care options for her.
Visit if you choose to or don’t visit if you don’t want to.
Best wishes to you
I walked away from my mother 13 years ago, the best 13 years of my adult life.
The ball is in your court to stand up to her and stop all this abuse. The only person you can control is you.
Is she paying you?
Do you perceive yourself as being obligated to provide care?
You're not.
While I am staying with my mother I really cannot stand to chitchat with her. When I am staying with her during my “on” months I see her for maybe a half hour a day because I don’t want to spend any more time with her than I have to.
I don’t think I am going to miss her when she’s gone sad to say,
There are also texts in the Bible about how parents should treat their children, how husbands should treat their wives and how wives should treat their husbands. You probably know that the texts most frequently quoted are pro-husbands and pro-parents (particularly fathers). People pick and choose Bible texts that that are ‘on their side’, and don’t quote the others. I addition, they very very rarely mention Jesus’ own treatment of his earthly father or his mother. Joseph is ignored, and Jesus showed little concern for his family – in fact he said that his disciples were his ‘family’, not his blood relations.
Treat your mother according to your own sense of appropriate behavior, NOT from any ‘over the top’ sense of obligation.