My father has been in a facility for two months ( almost 3). He seems to like it thus far. Lately he has talked about wanting to visit home. The issue is that he can no longer walk and it would be hard for me or anyone to assist while at home. I understand that he misses home but it would be hard. He has mentioned a friend picking him and bringing him and the friend is not really able to help either. His can longer attend to bathroom needs on his own, get in and out of bed by himself and etc. Although he and I have had a tough relationship, I do not want to hurt his feelings by reminding him of his disabilities. I think deep down he knows. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
He may decide he doesn’t want to leave his home again, and refuse to leave .
I thought about that and I would not be surprised if he did that.
1 - 2 years old with his physical abuse, neglect and verbal/mental abuse. So please stop trying to spare his feelings. Especially since you are not being hurtful or evil and are just stating facts about his new reality. It's not your problem if he can't accept the truth.
I think he believes if he weasels his way into your home that he will stay and refuse to leave.
You are right, I'm definitely not being evil by stating facts. I do believe that in the back of his mind, he also thinks he can also stay at my home which is not possible. He even wanted me to bring some of his personal belongings from his house to my house and I told him no.
It sure was!!!!!!!!!
Also please consider that if he's asking to "go home" he may be Sundowning. If so, he is referencing his childhood home, not his most recent residence.
You can just tell him "No, that's no possible" and then quickly change the topic or distract hiim.
I agree but knowing my dad, he will have someone pick him up and bring him home if I refuse.
When I try to talk to him and explain that he is not physically able and etc., he gets very defensive. Deep down, he knows that he is not able but he just feels like I should assist him and it does not matter how hard the task.
- Validate his feeling: Yes Dad. I wish you could go home for a visit too.
- Empathise: insert sad face.
- Pause.
- Change topic.
End.
You have no obligation to turn his wishes & whims into realities.
When I make comments like this to him, he says that he is still in his right mind and can do what he wants.
Activities, possibly if it is an outing probably only those that need little to no help can go, leaving those who can't to stay in the facility.
This is his karma for the way he treated you?
They do have outings and often he does want to go for some reason. I have tried encouraging him to go but I decided that it was up to him and I stopped stressing myself about it.
“ Dad , I’m not discussing it, this is where you need to stay “ .
You need to be more assertive .
I do need to be more assertive. It is my fear of him that has caused me to not have self confidence and assertiveness but I'm better as I have gotten older.
Let's see, what are the top requests we read about on the forum;
Take me out for a nice meal.
Take me to my home for a visit.
Take me on a cruise holiday.
Dad says " I want to..."
🍲🏡🛳
Whoosh.. that request just SLID off. Like you were made of teflon.
Dad says "I said I want to.."
Yes Dad I heard you.
Dad says "I said I want to.."
I know. I heard.
Now if he moves from I WANT.. to I WANT YOU to...
Again, echo it. What? ME? You want ME to what?
Are you ASKING me??
Then BOOM💥
Barb's words of wisdom:
"No. That doesn’t work for me".
PS This has been working for me.
Some folk state their wants & wishes. They drop hints. They EXPECT you to pick up that hint & MAKE it happen. *entitled*.
Nope. Wait for them to ASK for what they want. Ask like an adult.
They try to avoid asking. Why? Because asking a question gives you a CHOICE. The choice to say NO. *control*
Is your Dad like that?