Is it against the law for me to leave my bedridden mother alone for a short time?

This is a hard issue and one which many of us as solitary caregivers face. I had Mom with me for nearly 3 years - and it was very much like being under a self-imposed house arrest.

All state laws are different - as is the enforcement of these laws. Just as with leaving children unattended in the home or car - different states have different ages, and enfocement of these laws often depends on cirsumstances.

However, if Mom is unable to leave her bed - say if a fire broke out - while she was home alone, and was injured or killed (or even rescued at the last moment),as a result, you might well be charged with criminal neglect - and would likely have a very diffcult time mounting a defense - even if you had just run out for a moment to pick up her medecine.

I would think leaving Mom alone for 1/2 hour routinely would be an even greater issue. Look at worse case scenarios. What if the hired caregiver doesn't show up? (Last minute illness, car accident, car won't start, winter weather - there are a dozen reasons. Ever had a baby-sitter stand you up? It happens). Then what? How far away do you work? How soon before you would be notified?

I did run out from time to time to the local store when I was here alone with Mom. But I always called my neighbor first (she had a key) just in case. What if I was in an accident, had a heart attack, got car-jacked? At least - hopefully - I could call. I was somewhat covered in case something happened - but I was still taking a chance - and potentially putting Mom in harms way.

An elder confined to bed can be as helpless as an infant - and hopefully none of us would ever consider leaving an infant without proper supervision.

--Do you have neighbors - perhaps with jr high age or older kids - who you could pay a small sum to drop by every morning and wait for the sitter? If you don't know your neighbors its an excellent time to meet them - or post an ad on the community mailbox, or at the store.

--Employers are (sometimes) human too. Can you offer to 'work through lunch' in order to come in later?

--Can you find a caregiver who can adjust their schedule to yours?


In a perfect world these wouldn't be issues - but in a perfect world Mom wouldn't be confined to bed. In order to protect her - AND YOU - you either need to find another solution or be willing to gamble nothing bad will ever happen.


I truly hope you are able to find a safe and workable solution for you both.

I too am a sole caregiver. So, its been a tough go when I needed to run down the street to the store. My husband of course leaves the house everyday. So he is great at bringing home items we need. But there is times when I am alone with her and things come up. Only is EXTREME cases I have ran down the street to the store and left mom behind. 10-15 mins don't seem like alot of time but MANY things can happen. In this cases, I let one of my neighbors know. But I always fear the worse. What would happen if I was in an accident and no one would know mom was alone. I worry about the legal aspect. As innocent, as me running to the store is. Through the legal systems eyes would be a big NO NO!
I know you aren't neglecting your mom and thinking a short alone time would be okay. But you are taking a chance everyday. No one knows ahead of time when accidents will occur. So, I agree with Mariesmom. Find someone who will make up the 1/2 hr difference. Whether its only giving a neighbor a key and them watch over things till the help arrives. For your peace of mind and your moms safety don't leave mom unattended unless someone is aware and can be there if emergencies arise.

When you come to think of it though, any of us that spend time alone at home like I do for example, can worry about the same thing. My husband is gone every other day as a truck driver so I'm alone on those days. I could drive myself crazy thinking of the 'what if's' while I'm alone in the house. What if I dropped dead of a heart attack? What if he came home and found me like that? What if I fell and couldn't get to the phone? What if I cut myself badly and couldn't get to the phone? Well anyway, you get my drift. My mother-in-law is in asst living, but like Carrieann said, the residents doors all always shut and she falls and never tells anyone, so even that's not foolproof. My dad lives alone now after my mom died 6months ago, and I worry about him alone too. Point is, you've gotta filter out the crazy from the not so crazy worries I guess. Otherwise a person will be paralyzed with fear most of the time.

I sometimes have to "pop out" to the pharmacy, and have no neighbors or others to stand in for me while I am away for maybe 20 to 30 minutes. I reduce the risk this might cause by sending a text or e-mail to my daughter at work. I tell her the precise time I leave and again immediately when I return. If she doesn't get my return message in proper time she will take action. I can't say whether this procedure is legal or not, but it is practical for my situation in which the patiient sleeps for about 21 hours out of the 24.

This is the most disturbing post I have read & learned something new.This year, we had a wonderful set up( so I thought) for mom & we( my husband,Mom & I) were happy to continue fulfilling her wishes to be cared for & remain in her home. She had 2 loving, attentive 24 hour caregivers. Recently, I received a call from my uninvolved brother, confronting me & stating that mom told him that one of the caregivers occasionally leaves her alone( she is bedridden) sometimes while CG goes to the store/pharmacy(or when my mom requests for a special item). I am aware that CG must go to the store to buy my mom's food/pharmacy,ect & returns quickly, calling in to check on her. When I visit every week, I ask CG if she needs to run errands or respite while I stay with Mom. I know that occasionally, if CG has a Dr.'s appointment, she has her Mother(my husband's Aunt)stay with mom if CG will be gone longer. After taking VERY good care of my mother for 16 years, I will notify my other sibs that I will not place MY livelihood in jeopardy. My heart is broken, but I have no choice but to place her in a convalescent home where there is staff 24/7. No good deed goes unpunished. I am devastated

Dear Dee, Your posting has been haunting me and I keep thinking about you in your tough situation and am wondering why your mother isn't in a home where she can be cared for 24/7. I cannot imagine being a prisoner in your house with your mother, not being able to go to the store. Bless your heart for being such a caring daughter. I do hope everything works out for you and your mother.

Thanks for your concern. My mother is better cared for in my home with one on one private pay caregiver for 9 hrs a day while I work. I am just trying to see how to manage my new hours. Also I probably overstate my "prisoner issue" but it does feel like that sometimes.... can't go away overnight, can't go to a movie at night, can't go to meetings if my husband has to work late. Still it is easier to have mom here than to have to go visit her in a nursing home. Been there and done that when she was in rehab

I don't want my children to ever completely give up their own lives for me. Before my mother's dementia she would have said the same thing. So I will do the best I can for as long as I can and THEN we will look into nursing home care for her.

I am in the same situation -- my mother is completely bed-bound, 24/7, as a result of a massive stroke almost two years ago. She cannot sit up, cannot feed herself, cannot wash her face or brush her teeth -- in short, she needs 100% assistance all the time.

All during the first year, I felt so tortured about having her in a rehab/skilled nursing facility because all I wanted to do was bring her home with 24/7 assistance. In fact, she had (and still has) her own home where she was living completely independently until the stroke occurred. Imagine going from total independence -- driving her car, playing cards with her friends, attending cultural events, going to the movies, running her own life 100% -- to being 100% dependent on others for her every single need. It was (and still is) so surreal, so shocking, so horrific, so sad -- I must say, the "Serenity Prayer" was apparently written for times like this and has given me enormous comfort.

Following her stroke, in the early days, she was rather alert and understood very well what had happened to her. All I wanted to do was given her tons of rehab, thinking that all the physical, occupational, and speech therapy would eventually help her regain enough function to return home (with a caregiving assistant of course). I still had the idea that "being home" would be the best thing for her, I could watch over her, take care of her, protect her, etc., etc. She had also lost her ability to speak as a result of the stroke, and I hired a wonderful music therapist who worked with her for about 8 months. With all this intensive therapy, I felt that surely it was just a matter of time before Mom would make progress toward recovery, and would regain enough function to leave the rehab/nursing facility and finally return home.

I must tell you that it's now been almost two years and my feelings have changed. I now think it would be criminal if I took her OUT of the rehab/skilled nursing facility. Why? For many reasons. But mainly because Mom has come to TRUST the caregivers who assist her and because being at the facility satisfies Mom's need for socialization. It is definitely a hassle to get to the facility so many times a week (it is located over a half hour from me, each way), but I do and therefore, the staff knows me well and I know them well. It makes a big difference. I am in very, very close touch with the staff all the time about my mom's care, and I am physically there, visiting my mom often. (And I have a full-time job AND a part-time job, and two kids living at home!).

But the last thing I want to say is that being in the rehab/nursing facility actually gives Mom many people to interact with each day.... and I now realize how much better this is for HER than for me. I don't mind making the sacrifice one bit (of driving so often to the facility) when I see the look in my mom's eyes whenever the staff comes in her room. She trusts them, appreciates them, loves them -- and sometimes, when she's really really tired and just wants to sleep, she will even gesture for me to leave, which is another clear sign to me that she feels SECURE and SAFE where she is. Imagine what a gift!!

I no longer feel guilty about not being able to care for her at home because I realize that in her condition, she cannot be left alone for even a moment and clearly there is a TEAM of people at the facility who are there specifically to handle any crisis or emergency that arises. Both Mom and I actually now have a lot of peace of mind about this.

Just thought I'd share our story if it provides any inspiration or encouragement to anyone.....

My niece came to take care of her elderly, failing Gramma. She went down the street to pick up a pizza. Her gramma fell in the bathroom and died within that short period of time. She was not arrested! If we are providing the best care possible ther is no intent of malpractice. My mom is presently 92 and restricted to being cared for at her home and in her bed. We cannot get the help we need through Medicare and she hasn't qualified for Medicade. We try not to leave her alone. Have hired an aide at our own expense. Family members are not always reliable. We are doing the best that we can.