Parent cannot be reasoned with. Aging parent gets agitated against caregiver. The nurse tested her blood sugar level and it was under 200. Fifteen minutes later she wanted me to give her personal diabetic meter to test her blood in the hospital again. I told her the kit is at home. She got angry that I left it home and wondered why did I leave it home. I explained to her that she did not need her kit since the nursing staff is testing her blood sugar levels. I ended up asking the nurse to check her blood again just to calm her down. Some how I am the villain for leaving her blood meter kit at home. I understand it is the cancer, but it still hurts. Trying to reason with her only gets her more upset. But then when I get quiet, she get even more upset because she believes that I am now mad at her. How should I react and cope with this behavior? I been there everyday for her and sometimes it seems she always down on me. She wants to drop everything to be there, but when I am there she attacks.
Is your parent under hospice care? If a lot of pain is present, nearly anyone will become difficult. Hospice can help with that. Also, some medications can cause this behavior. My mother was give a liquid bone cancer medication (this was before hospice) and it completely changed her personality. However, it helped a lot with the pain. She was in a nursing home, so the nurse and I discussed this, I told them I was sorry about her behavior, and we all just coped by knowing that this was the disease/medication and tried to not let her behavior bother us. It wasn't long after that that hospice took over her care and they found a better way to keep her comfortable.
Sometimes, the best we can do is remind ourselves that the behavior isn't about them or us, it's simply the disease (or medication). That doesn't mean that this behavior doesn't hurt us - it just means that we can, in general, cope better if we don't take it personally.
Take care of yourself. This is really an ordeal. Please keep checking back for more from the community.
Carol
There are more important things to talk about, like that you love her, and whether there is anything you can do to comfort her. I'm so sorry that you're both having to go through this. Try to be strong. Big hug x
I just do not think we should let ourselves be subject to vitriol when we are doing our best. It is sad when an elder is perhaps on their deathbed but why take it?
I'm lucky that my work with belligerent brother over years and in elder care, gave me enough practice and experience, that I worked on coping strategies. The most useful I have found is, first of all, to agree with the person's concern. You can agree with your mom that you wish you had brought it from home, sorry, you didn't think of it. Don't have to justify, for it is not "reason" that can reassure her, it is "reassurance", "validation" that she has a right to good treatment and answers, and you can also next validate that others are trying hard to help, and that we all find it confusing, and try our best. By agreeing first, you defuse her furor - which I learned with my favorite elder that everyone else found so negative - but she told me one day, "can't you see how afraid I am? I can't remember anything, I can't remember where my bedroom is, and when you tell me I should get up and get ready for bed, I realize I'm lost."
I said, "Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't know you felt that way. It sounds frightening. I think you are so great for trying so hard. I'll sit with you a bit, and do nothing for a bit, I'm sorry." That was helpful -I was not seeing the fear behind her lashing out, and I was glad that she finally found some words to explain it.
And other times, if she directed her criticism at me personally, I gave her two efforts to try to meet her demand, and then said, "I do want to help you, and I'm always glad that we have this time together. So if you criticize me, I"ll try once to see what you need and help, but if you keep criticizing me, I'll be in the other room, and I'll come back in 10 minutes. And I'd just leave, sit just out of hearing and rest and read my book. Then return. I find that many of us have habits of "all or nothing" interpretations, as if the only choice is to stay or leave, or be quiet or shout back - but timing makes a huge difference. Telling someone you must leave, but will return, helps you stay on their side, but not take abuse. And keep adding such time outs, and try again refreshed.
I had a mother die at mid life of cancer, but she didn't get hostile. She had some confusion from pain medications from time to time. She wanted her brother who lived states away and I said I would get him. The next day I asked if she wanted me to call him so they could chat, she said she would call him later in the week. What was demanded immediately when upset or confused was not that important once she was back to normal mentally. It just goes that way.
I think fear of dying and/or fear of the disease and pain level is probably bring out these harsh words. I just stayed with my mother, read to her, let her know she was safe as my father and I would be with her. As she knew she didn't have to face the end alone, she was more able to rest even laugh as I read humorous short stories to her.
My mother had been very seriously ill during her youth (ages 6-17) so she had faced down death before. I think she was more able than the average person to accept the fact that she faced another serious illness. While she did not win her battle with cancer, she did live twice as long as her doctors thought she would owing to her personal determination. If it had been a "fair fight" she would have survived, unfortunately some cancers are not.
Good luck, she doesn't mean to be the way she is now. I wish a peaceful road ahead for both of you. Remember, you are doing your best. That's all you can do.
Our parents are some of our closest loved ones, doing these behaviors--their words can cut and shatter us deeper than any others, since our hearts are so open and vulnerable to them!!
Some elders have had trouble communicating appropriately for a lifetime. But ANYone suffering illness, and/or aging issues changing their brains, and maybe medications also changing how their mind can work [or not], will say and do things that can feel very hurtful.
Angry words often cover other fears or upsets they can't allow themselves to speak, or can't find proper words to use.
The sicker we get, the harder it can be to identify what's bothering us, and words might attack the blood sugar meter issue, instead of, say, pain levels aren't being handled well enough, or maybe a person says they're hungry, when they're really thirsty....so food goes uneaten when brought.
Your Mom knows, somewhere inside--she knows you are doing your best--she just may not have ability to say what she really means.
She may simply feel safer yelling at you, than at the nurses...after all--you are family.
One of the places I used to work, had a saying:
"Oh, it's 'crabby-baby-syndrome' happening here again!"
----we kidded, and applied that to any adult having a hard time handling their day--not just for sick folks!
Then we'd say or do something to try to ease that tension--a break with a cup of tea, a little massage, something to help us step back from the source of tension, to breath, relax, and try again to handle whatever it was.
It's tricky to place one's mental and emotional perspectives in a place where those words and behaviors can't hurt our hearts.
Sometimes we just can't manage doing that.
Do what you can to "take a break" and re-frame how you see things.
Do what you can to remember good memories, no matter how many or how few.
Sometimes, you might even get lucky redirecting Mom's anger on something she shouldn't worry about, to some of those good memories.
YOU hold onto those good memories--those will help you heal your pain and sadness.
Give yourself a big hug, and know you are doing some of the hardest, more rewarding work there is to do. You are doing the best you can, and a dear heart for that.
Sadly, nothing makes this easy to cope with for the caregiver as Chimonger says, but for our own sake we must try. This behavior is not personal. In fact, in an odd way, it's a compliment, because the ill person feels safe taking out the rage on us.
Still, we do have to try to stand up for ourselves, especially when dementia isn't behind the behavior. Sometimes caregivers have to say that they won't be treated like that and just leave the room for awhile. Certainly, that isn't always possible and it doesn't always change things. However, if we don't fight but we try to get the message across that we won't put up with so much disrespect - sometimes - that helps.
Carol