My grandmother is currently in a rehab facility following a hospital stay. Until now, she has been living at home. She has dementia, limited mobility and BP issues that cause lightheaded-ness. This combination has led to her having several falls, fortunately so far without major injury. Her dementia and mobility have both recently diminished to the point where we no longer feel we can keep her safe at home. So we are planning to have her transition either into assisted living or a nursing home after the rehab. The core question I'm struggling with is of course how to break it to her that she can't go back home. Should we just make a clean break or should we plan to allow her a temporary farewell stay in her home before her move?
Some have found taking their love one back to see the house one more time created a terrible problem.... the elder refused to leave the house to get back into the car.
If Grandmother is asking to go "home", you need to quiz her to find out which home is she talking about. For my Mom, I thought it was the house that she and Dad had sheared for many decades.... turned it it was her childhood home from the late 1900-1920's that she wanted to go back and see.
At Assisted Living bring items from her home, hang up pictures that she always likes. For my Dad, his prize possessions where hundreds of books, so we brought that along with all the bookcases which thankfully fitted.
#1 She's never going to want to leave the house.
#2 She's going to be talking about "her house, her house, her house"-there's never going to be an end to it.
#3 To what purpose does it serve to make this elder sad?
#4 Perhaps she's not even lucid enough to know that it's her house.
When it became certain that my 96 year old great aunt would not be able to return to her home, we still kept up the fiction that she was going to residential care to convalesce - helpful that in the olden days, when she was a gal, nursing homes often were called convalescent homes - and that story never had to change. We kept her apartment ticking over; and as a matter of fact had she ever wanted to go and see it we'd have been happy to take her. But not many people are as stoical and blithe in their outlook as darling auntie was, may her memory be for a blessing...
Anyway. If you are becoming concerned that your mother is in for a nasty shock at the end of rehab, you'd better start gently preparing her. Don't tell her what's happening: instead, ask her questions. Such as "suppose we thought about getting you better first, giving you more time to build your strength up - how would you feel about trying that?" or "What has the doctor said about your being able to go home? There's still quite a lot to think about, you know." So that you're working round to a "not yet" rather than a flat "no." And for heaven's sake don't get into an argument about it! We'll see, or let's see, or one thing at a time, or maybe, or even we'll do our best - these are all useful responses to keep in mind.
When my mom moved to a nursing home, never to return to her home, I was honest about it, but very very gently. I told her that I'd found her another place to live, that it was a "retirement community," that it was closer to me and I'd be able to see her every day (both true). I told her she would never have to be alone again (she feared being alone). I told her there would be nurses and other workers there to help her 24 hours a day. I also told her if she really hated it, she could leave. This is also true. I neglected to mention that the move would be to a different facility instead of home. She never asked to leave. One thing that helped was doing A LOT of research beforehand. I contacted 22 nursing homes in my area and tour 17, many of them 2 to 3 times. I applied to the 4 that were acceptable to me and she was accepted by 1. Comparably, it's a nice facility and making a careful choice in the first place will help you if you have any doubts about your decision. My mom has a private room, which is a plus, and we visit often. We've made her room nice with her own hamper, colorful comforter, lamp, vase of fake flowers, and (very important) a clock with the time, date, and day of the week. But I digress....
I feel firmly that you should give her a version of the truth she can handle. Be as honest as possible, as gently as possible. You would want someone to do that for you.
As for taking her to say goodbye to her house, if that's coupled with news of a sale or someone else moving in, I think that may be unnecessarily cruel. Love is your guide. You will know what she can handle.
I know we were very lucky but she actually never asked when she was going home. And, when she did mention home it was her childhood home. Keep in mind, the dementia prevents your grandmothe from thinking clearly so family has to make things as easy as possible for her.
1. If you had a hard time actually getting them into residential care, do you REALLY want to relive that drama when it is time to go back and they throw a "mother of all colossal fits" in order to stay home.
2. If the house was not exactly as it was the moment they left, it will become a THING or an obsession.
In my father's case, he has the most nasty, smelly, gross Archie Bunker sofa and chair that needed to go. One of my brothers brought him home after much whining and guilting....and the stuff hit the fan because a family member moved into the house and put their own furniture in part of it.
The loss of the scruffy couch has become a full blown OBSESSION, and I am sure that house will be haunted looking for that couch that now is nowhere to be found. There is a lot of mileage to any visitor to please, please, make sure my kids put my couch back where it belongs.
Clean break advice is the best.
The word "safe" can be cruel, and even that word depends - safe from what would be the question. Safe from life is cruel IMO. Plus, there is really no such thing as "safe," anyway, since people in nursing homes and "memory care" centers can and do fall and get injured. If they are made to be in a wheel chair (for their safety, of course), they can and do try to get out and fall in that process (I've seen that more than once).
None of the responses here have even mentioned help at the affected person's home. That would have to be in my list of considerations.
But, first and foremost, I would take the "happiness" of the "subject" into consideration. If my grandmother still recognized me and other family members, it would be my opinion that she still had enough of her mental faculties to say what would make her happy - and I believe her "happiness" should be the first consideration - unless her brain function is so far gone that nothing makes her happy any longer, in which case everybody else's responses here would be at least okay.
My mother was terrorized by my sister and a niece (daughter of my deceased brother), who both claimed to be wanting the best for my mother. My mother and I had a workable plan in place, that insured my mother's happiness to the greatest extent possible. It turned out the other "family members" didn't want to be "stuck" with having to help (they didn't "have to" since my mother had enough money to hire help). Getting people to be forthcoming with their real (and underlying) thinking is NOT easy and usually requires some work.
So, again -- "it depends" is the only honest answer.
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