Am I abandoning my mom?

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Am I abandoning my mom?

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I came home from a walk the other day and the house was full of smoke, a burnt pan on the stove, and burnt corn. This is the third time this has happened in a year. I've been taking care of my mom for 16 months, and it has nearly destroyed my health. I have multiple chronic illnesses. I've been begging my family members to help me, but they find it no big deal. I finally found an assisted living facility nearby that we could all agree on. This was a family battle all in itself that caused massive symptom flares for me that I'm still dealing with, but we all finally agreed. But my mom's best friend came over yesterday begging and pleading not to make her go. They were both upset and crying, my mom not wanting to go at all. I feel so guilty, but I've posted before, continuing this pattern will kill me eventually, leaving no one to care for her. I was up all night, contemplating if I'm making the right decision. My mom has cognitive decline but not full-blown dementia. Am I doing the right thing? I'm feeling selfish and heartbroken for her.

Assisted Living Care Decisions Mom

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I'm in the same boat with my mom. I have only been caring for her this year, and it has been a struggle. As long as you know that you're doing the best you can, that's all you can do.

Good luck to you and everyone else going through this. It's very difficult to deal with!

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I normally don't comment on posts that have so many replies, figuring what more can be said, but here goes. You are not abandoning your mom, you are CARING for her. Would you rather wait until the whole house burns down? If your mom's best friend pleaded not to move your mom, then move your mom to her friend's house. People do not understand the mental and physical effect caring for someone with dementia places on them. Your health outstrips others emotions. How can you feel selfish for wanting to retain your own health and sanity? This situation is obviously affecting you more than her. It's perfectly fine to feel heart broken for her, but don't let your heart overrule your head. Place your mom where she can be properly cared for.

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Sunny2020, I've used this bit of advice I read somewhere often when I've had to make difficult life choices. Instead of asking yourself "What should I do with Mom?" Pretend that it's your best friend who is in this situation, what would you advise her to do?

You're going to give a compassionate and caring answer because this is your best friend. But you've also taken a step back and removed yourself from so much of the emotional strain, or the weight of guilt of the situation by this not being about you or your own mother. Whatever advice you give, it will be thoughtful, and you'll be able to see the short and long term pros and cons of any decision that needs to be made. Your friend's health is of utmost importance, not just her mother's, forcing her to care for her mom just because of the guilt is NOT helping either of them in the long run.

Nobody likes change, and even with the best advice, decisions are going to be hard to make, you can't make everyone happy all the time (and it's not your job to either). But as other people have said on these boards, it's not the end of the world, and mom will be cared for by people who are trained and up to the task. Friends can visit, as can you, without giving up your own health, including your emotional and mental well being.

You obviously love your mom, but you're at the end of your rope and you need help. If your sisters think it's so easy, let them take care of mom for a couple of months.

On your side.

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i understand how you are feeling. I’m going thru something similar and I’m torn on what to do. My mom is resisting and consistently giving me guilt trips. She can’t live alone and right now I’m helping care for my brother that has stage 4 pancreatic cancer.
I hope we both find peace with our decision and embrace the fact that we need help ❤️🙏

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You do not owe your mom the destruction of your own life. Period full stop. The friend is not the one responsible for your mom’s care. She is not paying the price, so she does not get a vote in this matter. If it makes you feel better to do some of the things suggested to make the transition easier, then go ahead. But do not get sucked into delaying the decision. No one ever dreams of going into assisted living- I get that. But it is necessary sometimes and can be a godsend. I know from personal experience with my own mom. Sounds like you’ve done your research and picked a good facility. So don’t start questioning yourself, and don’t back down. Good luck and blessings.

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No, you are not abandoning her. I knew my mother couldn't live with us because she has always been difficult, so I bought her a condo in a 55-plus facility. When she could no longer take care of herself we moved her to AL. She resisted at first, but she has been very happy there and I can sleep at night.

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Mistakes can happen but don't let your mom cook her own meals. Unplug the electric stove if you have to when you're out. If you have to go out, make sure she's had her meal first so she doesn't have to do it herself. This part of the caregiving journey really sucks. Wrestling with what to do. It's just hard all the way around. God bless and help you.

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Even IF the adult child remembers to unplug the electric stove every single time they go out, there will be some other danger lurking. The mother cannot remember that she shouldn't cook her own meals. What if she plugs the stove back in?
A person with dementia who burns down the house is not 'making a mistake'. They are putting lives at danger. There is cause for alarm. Things will get worse, not better, and the adult child will continue to feel more and more stress. That's no way to live. That's not a way to take care of ones' self or a parent.

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I am making the same choice and had my mum evalueted for a facility. I chose a nice one where they do pet therapy, rehab. A friend has her father there and my mom knows him since 1982 even if after schoold in 1990 we never met him again.
I am burnout, can no longer assure high quality cares as I am forgetting plenty of things at my job and at home.
I was told by a friar not to feel guilty for not being able to do it all on my own : I am just human, can't be a mom, a wife, an employee, a caregiver 24h/24 on my own. I do have a home aid when I go to work but still the mental load is on me and I am the one of the mornings before she arrives, the afterrnoons, evenings and week-ends.
My mum has been a great mum, I do not think she would be happy knowing I am no so bad.
As far as the friend is concerned : I have decided that if someones does this with me I will answer with a "hard" answer like : ok, we have 2 choices : a facility or you take my mum with you and provide 24h/24, 7d/7, 365d/year yourself in your house... and with the same standards of a nurse/doctor.

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Is it possible for your mum to take a tour with her friend? It might make things simpler. I would treat it like a vacation package. Give her pictures, reviews, videos. Let her choose between facilities. Would you like someone else to choose your vacation for you. Have a moving away party for her so she can say goodbye to her neighbours and friends. Look at it like she is moving up in the world to a house with servants and 24hr care, cooks and new friends. It can be all a matter of perspective. I remember my parents changing cities. As kids we had no say but they did give us a chance to say goodbye with a party with all our friends. We looked up the new country in the encyclopedia and found out all we could. Moving can be very scary at any age.

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It sounds like you have had burnout and that it's time for her to go into a care facility or have full time in-home help. You do need a lot of help especially considering that you have chronic illness, too. Please don't feel guilty. You're doing the right thing. Sometimes it gets too much to care for a person when you're not doing so well yourself healthwise.

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Don’t feel guilty. She can have a life and have friends over in assisted living. My friend’s father is in one and he enjoys it and has found a girlfriend there. He is still able to get around but they are there for him when he did have a couple of medical episodes.
Don’t let your mother or her friend make you feel guilty or destroy your life.

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My mother was living in an over 55 living community. My cousin came to live with her to look after her and after a while she just couldn't take care of her any more (falls, etc.) We told her we were moving her to Assisted Living and she sat there with her arms crossed and said she was not moving. We had to practice "tough love" and moved her anyway. She has lived there since November 2017 and has loved it. Unfortunately she is now in the final stages of hospice but at least I know they are taking good care of her.

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"...they did make me feel like I was sending her to prison."

ALs are not prisons. They likely have never set foot in one. My mother was moved to MC in a facility that had IL, AL and MC, The place was VERY nice, had great food, wonderful caregivers and other staff, the people I met on my way to the MC unit were all very happy and content in the place.

As for their guilting you, shame on them. They dump on you, but don't offer to help, so stuff 'em.

Also, this best "friend" has no say. She isn't doing the caring AND there's nothing stopping her from continuing to be your mom's friend, visiting and chatting on the phone with her. Is ISN'T a prison!!!

Too many people have images of NHs and/or old people "homes" from the past. They need to get out and see for themselves instead of butting in.

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I just made this decision with my dad last month. I had the same feelings.

My dad falls all the time and has early dementia. He was being rescued by family, neighbors, caregivers and 911 every few days. I decided he needs 24-hour care and must move.

The pressure and guilt-trips I got from him and other well-intentioned people was intense. They were interested in his happiness. I appreciate that. Moving out and loosing his independence makes him sad, resentful and angry at me. He won’t get over that.

But I am interested in his health. I don’t want him to continue getting hurt from falls. I don’t want him to burn the house down with him in it.

So that’s the choice. His health or his happiness. That’s your choice, now, too. I’m sorry you must make that decision.

Let me try to make it a bit easier. Let’s say you give in and have your mom stay at home. Tomorrow, you go grocery shopping and come home to find the house on fire and your mom’s charred corpse next to a fire truck. Would you say you made the right choice?

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If you can’t care for her and you are at peace with your decision, then don’t others deter you. Alternatively let her best friend take her and care for her full time. It’s sooo easy for family and friends to give you all the work while they sit and do nothing. They will stoop low to give you the guilt trip, but turn it back on them!

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I was solo caregiver 24/7 for my Mom with late stage dementia. Thought I was doing a pretty decent job but it depleted me in every way. After breaking her ankle, she had to be hospitalized, and is now in a nursing home/rehab facility. I can see that she is doing so much better with social interaction with the nurses, aides and therapists who are taking good care of her for a shift and not a tired, frazzled me. Unless your Mom's friend offers to take care of her, she's not being very helpful. Alas, your Mom's situation will probably decline and you may be putting off the inevitable.

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I find this symptom of dementia somewhat assuming to complicate in my mother's case. My mother developed a bad back in her 30s and was in near-constant pain the rest of her life. In her 40s, while she continued to run a household for her husband and 3 children in spite of her pain, she often burned stuff on the stove. She would get distracted I guess. I remember biscuits burning on the stovetop because she forgot to turn off the stove eye and set the baking sheet on it. Once she forgot about a pot of beans when we went to my grandmother's house; we came home to a burn pot and a house full of smoke. When my brothers grew older and moved out and I became old enough to help with the chores that particularly gave her pain (like cleaning the bathtub, making beds, and standing on her feet) the burning of the food stopped. My mother burned more food in her 40s than at any point in her life! And she was completely competent in her 40s, 50s, 60,s and 70s! It wasn't until she was 78 that she showed any signs of memory issues and 84 when she was diagnosed with MCI.

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This is fascinating TNtechie! You could be writing about my life. Mom with back very pain, 3 kids and scorched pots. In my mom's case she was very reluctant to take anything for pain (into her 90's she didn't want to become "dependent on pills "

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To be picky & clarify the question wording:

Abandon definition:
1. cease to support or look after (someone); desert, leave,
turn one's back on, cast aside,
break (up), leave stranded
2. give up completely

Now finding an AL close by, where I image you will still be very much involved in Mom's life, visiting her, supporting her & being an emotional support.

This does not describe *abandon*. This describes helping your Mom move home, to receive the level of supervision she now requires.

Allow me to re-phrase your question: "Am I HELPING my Mom?"

I would say YES.

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Very well said. No one has any idea how hard and naive we are to this part of aging until you are in it. I struggle daily with making healthy me time with my mother who always had her own friends and interest. We did things together but now she gets jealous over anytime I spend if she is not part of. She cries and acts like I’ve broke her heart . I see her everyday when at 19 I talked to her by phone maybe once a week. We love each other but never enjoyed same activities. I found myself doing things I hate (Bingo ) doing less with my husband and rarely enjoy friend events because she is so ???? Is this normal for 81?
I am happy to spend time and go places she enjoys but not all the time. If I do bring her to things with friends she complains . I caregive at least 28 hrs every week beyond this in housework yards shopping and doctors. How do you draw the boundaries without the tears.

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You'll feel a lot more guilty if she starts a fire and burns the house down with her in it.

Send her to the AL. She's not safe at home.

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old parable:
a man & his wife were on a long journey..walking together beside their donkey on a winding dusty road to visit the wife's family
It wasn't long before a man called out to them "how can you be so selfish to make your wife walk when you have the donkey ...let her ride & you walk"
The man heeded the mans words & soon his wife was riding along beside him on the donkey as he walked beside her & the donkey
Another few miles along the road another man called out to them loudly
"sir, why are you walking on such a very hot day when you have a strong young donkey & room for you to ride alongside your woman. It doesn't make sense"
"Maybe he's right husband, you can ride here with me and rest your feet that must be tired and sore"
The husband clambered up onto the donkey and they proceeded again on their journey
Night was approaching & the lights of the town that was their destination twinkled in the distance . Only one more big hill to go
They stopped to fill their water containers outside an inn.
An older woman with a small child glared at the man as he stood filling his containers at the well.
"Both of you riding that poor little donkey?" the woman asked sharply
"So cruel" she snapped without waiting for the man to answer
"No-one should be riding that lovely little creature."
"You should be carrying the donkey.
" There are two of you strong enough to walk yourselves..The donkey is suffering because of your selfishness. Cold hearted people"
The husband and wife agreed that perhaps the old woman was right...and they were hurting the donkey.
So it wasn't long before the man and his wife were struggling up the last hill to their destination carrying the donkey..that was of course, quite able to carry the couple quite comfortably.

You see everyone has an opinion that they will give on how another should live their life.
Animals know from instinct what is best for them and Nature
Man knows from intuition.

"The still small voice some call conscience . So small it could almost be missed.
So clear it can never be mistaken"
Mahatma Gandhi

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This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing 🦋

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NO!!! Do NOT put her in there!!! If you love your mother you will not force her into one of these death camps! I know, they killed my sister during the lock downs!

PLEASE consider alternatives ...you can get help to come in to help with her care. There are programs that will assist with finances. In Wisconsin there is IRIS which will help with in home care expenses. Not only with people coming in, but with whatever assisted living accommodations she may need. There are different programs available in every state.

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I am truly sorry about your sister.

That said, safety is the most important concern. If her mother has inadvertently started fires in the home, NOBODY is safe.

Please don't add to her pain by writing, "If you love your mother you will not force her into one of these death camps!" when you have no idea what the facility is like.

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Sunny2020: Imho, it is IMPERATIVE that you follow through with this plan, else you'll fall even further ill and will be good to no one.

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You are doing the RIGHT thing. The right thing for you, for your health, for your mom, for her well being.

The best thing that you can do for your mother is make sure that she is well cared for. That is your job. By making sure she is in the right place, you are doing the right thing. In Assisted Living there is round the clock care, provided by people working shifts.

You've already destroyed your health-- I hope that some of that is reversible. And what if next time she actually burns the house down, with you and her in it? Then there'll be no one to care for, in either direction, and much grief for the rest of the family.

As you may know, the cognitive decline will get worse, not better. It may only reach a certain point, but she will get older, and whatever issues she is having will worsen. As that happens, incrementally, she'll be in the right place for professionals to help her.

What are you doing while all of this is happening? Restoring your health, resting, getting your life back. And, then you can visit your mother, as much or as little as makes sense for your life. So too can her friend and your other family members.

Be strong. This is hard and I know you feel guilty, but there is nothing to feel guilty about. I hope you'll get to that point in your thoughts, soon. Get some therapy for yourself if it'll help you through this.

You are doing exactly the right thing. Hang in there.

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I haven't seen you on here for awhile. How are you doing? My mother sadly is in SN now with many problems which I have posted about. Hope all is fine with you.

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The best thing would be to let her stay at home but if no one is willing to help you and mom doesn't have money to afford help then you have no other choice.
Just explain it to mom and mom's friend

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The mother is burning things left on the stove. She absolutely should no longer be allowed to live in a home where she has access to a stove, but without the cognitive skills to make sure that the house doesn't burn down. Respectfully, I disagree with you.

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You are absolutely doing the right thing!!! Unless you never plan to leave the house again, your mother is no longer safe in her home. I faced similar challenges, but in my case it was my father who joined her in resisting "giving up her home" and denying the safety issues. When she finally got to a memory care facility, she was so much less bored and depressed. I would encourage you to make sure your chosen facility has a strong activity program, and if she is eligible for memory care, choose a specialized facility.

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Yes. You're doing the right thing.
With different details, I'm in your shoes.
I did move my mom out.
The feeling of abandonment hasn't gone away altogether, it's just been 94 days. But the relief of looking forward to my life has shown bright like a beacon shining the way for a captain on a tumultuous sea. And I can honestly say.....Whew.

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Your family won't help you ? Then you have no choice. Good luck

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Yes, you are doing the right thing. You have to take care of yourself. Unless someone has been a 24/7 caregiver for a family member with dementia, they have no idea of the toll it takes on the caregiver's physical and emotional health. It doesn't matter how much you love your mother, your body will break under the pressure of caring for your mother. I am 74 years old and I took care of my mother for 4 years, 24/7. I loved my mother very much; however, I now have diabetes type 2, severe arthritis all over my body, I have 7 ruptured discs in my back that will require back surgery soon, and I'm a chronic pain patient in treatment with a Pain doctor. I am also very depressed and suffer from serious anxiety. I used to be healthy, happy, and resilient. I looked and felt great! My mother recently passed away at age 92 and when the Hospice Coordinator arrived at my home, she thought I was the patient! I would have been dead if my mother had lived much longer.

So ignore your mother's BFF's opinion... she is not there taking care of your mother. Your family is on-board with your opinion so get your mother tucked safely away in a nice Memory Care Facility and your mother will adjust... probably quickly and she have activities and friends she will enjoy. I used to worry that my Mom would burn my house down, too! The near-misses are very scary!

It has been 9 months since my mother died, and I am not yet fully recovered from the lack of sleep. My own memory is shot and my health is very bad. My doctor just told me 2 weeks ago that I will never be the same person I used to be. If I had know what caregiving does to the caregiver, I would have politely refused and been happy visiting my mom in a Memory Care facility.

You are not abadoning your mother, but you might be abandoning yourself. Listen to that gut feeling... I wish I had paid more attention to mine!

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turmeric powder (plain, no additives .not standardized) 3 caps before meals will help with the pain
Dr Christophers Relax Eze (amazon) ..I take the powder, they sell the caps also. Has helped me with sleep & steadied my burned out nerves from caretaking more than anything else I tried (I tried many things)
Distilled water only for cooking & drinking is essential
If you are a reader buy "The choice is Clear" by Dr Banik on amazon..This will explain the importance of the distilled water in a clear simple way better than I can
Only a few dollars, and the herbal products are less than $20 each.
I agree with your thoughts on self sacrifice ongoing....When I have abandoned myself to help my grandfather (& others) I thought I was strong healthy & young & no problem..Honestly I don't think he appreciates all my work...As my dad has told me "a lot of people are happy in their misery". I didn't understand that statement ...now I do
.However it all caught up with me in a crashing wave.
Now I am much more careful how I spend my time and energy.
Keep your head up

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Let me ask you this: if you have a complete break down will your mom take care of you? Will her friend?
If the answer is no then it is to the old folks home she goes. There is no need for the guilt trip.

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tehehe! You are so right!

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Your health and well being cannot be the price of your mom's wellbeing. If the family friend was really a friend, she would not ask you to risk additional physical and mental Health. If she was truly a friend she would be helping your mom figure out how to get comfortable in her new place and make the most of her time there. I do not call individuals who conveniently ignore them the cost for their own comfort "friends" because true friends look out for their friends AND their families. Your mom will continue to decline. Moving her later could be harder as she grows more disoriented. Doing the right thing seems to rarely come without guilt attached. Comfort to you.

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the word friend and love and many other words that are important do not have clear definitions.
The actions one may consider "to be expected without question" of a friend to one person may be "not important at all" to another.
I wish more people had the honor & virtue you describe...it would be a much better world. However in my limited experience, the majority do not. And have no conscience about it.
Thats life : )

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