our estranged dad came back into my life at the beginning on the year. I since then decided to be an advocate for him during his health issues, visit & take care of him and his finances. Dad is a schizophrenic & has been homeless. So I was finally in touch with him & helping care for him. I texted brothers with medical questions & money questions. Since dad has been since he has been on disability so he was not getting much money at all. He’s been staying in a nursing home. Because of his condition I have POA. I also took care of his money (debit card). I would get him clothes when he needed them and whatever else he wanted or needed. My brothers never went and saw him nor wanted to have anything to do with him. Didn’t care. He passed away just recently and now my brothers want to see all the receipts of everything that came out of his account. They want to know if I was taking his money (I was NOT). They dropped this on me last week & social security account etc have been closed because of his death. They are pissed that I cannot access the account and I can’t prove where any of the money went. I have some receipts because they were emailed to me but other than that nothing. They say I’m an idiot because I should of know I would need to show them? I’m obviously hurt but am I at fault? I guess I should of know but if they wanted NOTHING to do with him why would I think they wanted any receipts? I was doing it for 7 months and was never told anything until now. I’m trying to get info but it’s social security it’s going to take awhile. I’m being treated like a thief and that I’m an idiot. There is a lot of stuff that went on with dads care because of his mental illness & a lot I left out. This is just the basic situation I’m having and need help with.
So they are mad because all they want is money and none is left for them. Good! That's a small payback for leaving you with all the care burden. Tell that to their grubby faces. And tell them if they want to know where the money was spent, they can go ask dad. Then laugh at them.
Why do you care how they treat you now? Do you care if a cockroach hates you? You don't need jerks in your life. Tell them to get out of your life. Change your number so they can't contact you anymore.
Thanks for being such an inspiring example of a caring daughter in very trying circumstances. My deepest condolences for your loss.
1) Did Dad leave a will? If so, did it appoint an executor, and who is it. Who were the beneficiaries under the will? If you are the executor, and the brothers are beneficiaries, they are entitled to a bit of information, however appalling their behavior and motives. If someone else is the executor, that is the person who should be asking you for the information, and the person who the brothers should be asking about it.
2) No will? How much is the estate worth now? Is there enough money to spend on dealing with this legally? If there is, and if the brothers have an entitlement worth arguing about, then they will need to contribute to the legal costs of winding up the estate. Ask for a commitment and/or contribution to costs up front. If they want to attack you in the legal proceedings, they will be paying the legal costs of that themselves (unless of course they prove that you really were stealing the money for yourself).
A simple strategy could be to provide them a figure for Dad’s assets (perhaps only bank balance) a) when you started care and also b) when he died. If it has not changed much, it shows that only what he received in pension has been withdrawn for his living costs (which is what the pension is for). If it has gone down a lot, it would be good if you could give an indication of why, because this is what you might have 'stolen'.
My guess is that someone has told them that a POA has to keep records, and they are licking their lips. However they need to know if there actually is any money there for them to gain. You aren’t going to be forced to pay them anything because the records aren’t perfect, only if they can show that you took it for yourself. Get yourself and them straight about the money before you spend it on a lawyer at this point. Best wishes, Margaret
If needed, his monthly bank statements should suffice. Good luck and your dad was lucky to have had you :)
What kinds of medical and money questions?
I agree with the other responses; they are looking for money.
Sorry you are dealing with so much crap.
Agreed.
How important is it to you to remain on good terms?
Reasonable people wouldn't be worried about a sibling buying a few pjs & essentials for a parent surely? Were they worried how many pjs Dad bought for himself over the years? No. Of course not. Because it was not their business.
Unless you bought yourself a car or another big item.. forget it.
As Margaret said, if there is a will, let that unfold as it will.
Instead of being lazy and dumping responsibility for their actions on YOU, THEY can bloody well hire a lawyer instead of hounding you. I'm sure their hundreds-of-dollars-an-hour lawyer will ask what THEY know about THEIR father's finances and then ask to see THEIR proof of your "wrongdoing".
*big hug* neeks22. I hear you. I lived in another state while I was POA for everything of Mom's. I kept all receipts and even mailed monthly sanitized statements [sanitized because Mom would throw them away] that accounted for every cent to my mom. My sisters could also easily read them--and I told them often if they had any questions to ask and I'd show them everything.
After a couple years I left my home and moved in with Mom to care for everything until she died. One sister said I didn't need to print out the monthly statements anymore since "No one looks at them anyway". When my narcissist sisters turned on me, accusing me of stealing, that same sister's "proof" I was stealing because I was "so secretive about Mom's finances".
In the mean time, collect receipts that you can. Write down everything you can remember as much as you can recall. Hang in there.
"Dad is a schizophrenic & has been homeless"
"...he has been on disability so he was not getting much money at all."
"He’s been staying in a nursing home."
I doubt he had any assets to put in a will if he had a will.
Of course you're not at fault. You stepped up to care for dad while your brothers did squat and are only NOW coming out to sniff around for cash. So give it to them.....the whole dollar.
My condolences on your loss.
That is priceless! Put a crisp one-dollar bill in an envelope and give it to him. That's what the father has left after all his expenses. LOL
How was the Nursing Home being paid? If Medicaid was footing the bill then his disability should have gone to offset the cost of his care. In my State a recipient of Medicaid can only have 2k of assets. Which can be used for his care if needed. He also should have been set up with a personal needs acct at the NH if they are receiving his SSD.
Who was receiving his SSD, the NH or it was being sent to a bank acct and you were sending a check every month to the NH. If there was a bank acct involved, there also is a monthly Statement. It will show the deposit of Dads disability coming in and should be going out to offset Dads care unless he was privately paying. If Dad was not privately paying and Medicaid was footing the bill, I don't understand how he had anymore than the 2k allowed. His SSD should have been going to his care if on Medicaid. In other words, if on Medicaid, Dad has no money other than the 2k (ur state maybe different) allowed.
Social Security does have the option of a debit card instead of having SS deposited to a bank acct. My nephew has it set up this way and its very convenient. Is this what you are talking about when you mean debit card? If so and ur Dad was on Medicaid, that money should have gone to offset his care. They also supply a monthly statement. If his SSD was included on an application for medicaid and the NH did not receive that money, there maybe a balance owed. If so, any money Dad has may need to be used to cover the balance due.
At Dads death, your POA stopped. To be able to handle his finances now, you will need a "short certificate" from Probate to be able to obtain his financial paperwork. I doubt even if he had a Will, his estate is big enough to probate. If you can answer my questions, I maybe able to help a little more.
Go buy each one a hammer. Then fill some plastic zipper bags with sand. Put one of each into a gift bag and tie a ribbon on it. Then give them their gifts.
If you want to get fancy, do what lealonnie1 suggests. Put a crisp one-dollar bill in an envelope for each of them and add that to the gift bag.
Or give each of them a box of dad's old clothes as their inheritance.
Are they total idiots? Someone on Medicaid who has been homeless has NOTHING left to 'leave'.
You are at fault of being a good kid, that's all.
“There’s a chance we’ll be all be liable for his debts.”
POOF! Into thin air.
I doubt if OP has stolen anything, or if there is enough in the estate to make a fuss about. Whatever there is will disappear very quickly if lawyers get involved. Why not follow the easy route of providing before care and final bank balances? It might even improve relationships among the living - it's too late to revisit what they did wrong before Dad died.
I think the anger here is because the brothers did nothing. I feel sure that none of the ‘go pound sand’ answers would be the same if a ‘nasty’ arms-length POA had emptied an estate before a parent’s death.
You even wrote you doubted there's anything for the brothers to be hassling neeks22 over.
You do make a good suggestion of the first care bank balance and the final balances; however the brothers can simply disregard it as they don't answer their questions of what the money was spent on.
I've been in neeks22' shoes. How my sisters treated me was my life's nightmare. I had documented monthly statements for years showing where every penny went along with explanations. They refused to read them. They interrupted my explanations so I could not explain. I recorded conversations. A Stasi interrogator would have been proud of them. Eventually, because Mom's lawyer had specific questions and I answered every one with proof, I recorded one sister telling the other that "everything was on the up and up".