Am I doing the right thing?

You are absolutely doing the right thing, and you are right to put your marriage and mental health first! You have every right to live your own life.

She is getting better care there than you could give her in your home.

Note that the people who tell you that you should bring her to your home and watch her 24/7 aren't stepping up for the job themselves. Until they're willing to do the same, they need to shut it.

You are doing the best thing you can for her. You are ensuring that she gets the care she needs, moral obligation met.

I would consider that she may need a higher level of care. The nonsense of not eating or showering, anything to get you dancing to please her needs to be shut down. The AL is supposed to be trained in caring for humans in her situation, if not, I would research other facilities. If they can't do their jobs, then find one that can. But you really need to set boundaries with her, like no phone calls that interrupt your work, no meals delivered except as a special treat on (insert day).

Honestly she is manipulating you and you are the only one that can put a stop to it.

Your husband needs to realize that you can only give your mom so much and to try and guilt you into giving in to her manipulation is not helpful. Why would he do that to you?

My mom and I don't and never have had a good relationship and I believe that it was always her intent to not have a mother daughter relationship. It is truly on a parent to create that loving bond as they are raising their children. If they are to selfish or whatever to do that, well they created the situation and you can only do so much. I would never move my mom into my home, I would lose my mind dealing with her and her nonsense, she made it abundantly clear that I was a burden that she never wanted, now she needs me and wants things different. Sorry, not gonna happen, I will make sure she is in a facility that meets her needs, her wants are not even part of my thought process, I will make sure that she is treated as well as possible and that is all I can give her.

Set your boundaries and tell your husband to stop making this harder on you. She created the relationship and this is what it looks like. Professional care and it is more than she should honestly expect.

Never bring her into your home, you will regret it.

Hugs and strength! You can do it!

I believe you are doing MORE than enough. I concur that you need to ask hubby to please tone it down on the "moral obligation" thing.

Yes, sounds like she is manipulating you and is, for whatever reason, making you jump through hoops. Well, not making you but guilting you into doing too much for her. She is somewhere safe and they can take care of her basic needs.

I'm trying to learn about setting boundaries and having a hard time of it, but that's what I suggest for you too. What are you willing and able to do, without feeling all used up and resentful? Err on the side of YOU and you husband and future children. You deserve to have to time and energy to take care of yourself.

Do NOT bring her into your home. It will ruin what is left of your relationship and potentially damage your marriage.

My mom lives with us and my husband is a freakin saint. How he puts up with it all is just amazing. Other people are not so lucky and I don't know how much I could take if the shoe were on the other foot. It's too much to expect of our spouses, really. Unless they are 110% in and even then the reality of the situation is not usually what we think it's going to be.

I think your doing fine. But, its time for Boundries between you, Mom and the AL.
If Mom has a phone and your the only person she calls, lose it. (make sure staff knows u took it) If she calls ur landline, let it go to the answering machine. Then u can pick when ur ready to call her back. If its a cell put urs on "do not disturb" so calls go to VM.

Speak to the AL Administrator. Explain that u feel Mom needs to depend on someone other than yourself. She depends on you too much and is not adjusting well because of it, u feel. Calls to u from the AL should be emergency based or to set up a care meeting. Tell him you are going to do what you can at your end to block Moms constant calls to you because it disrupts ur job. You would appreciate if staff not call or let Mom call because she is not eating, not taking her meds, not bathing, she has a complaint...ask that they find ways to get around this. You would really appreciate it. You realize there are laws in place but you are sure they can do a better job than u in getting her to do what they want, (my daughter, RN, says there are ways to get residents to do what you need them to do without going against laws) (ex: Mrs. S wouldn't it be nice to have a shower and fell fresh and clean.) I find aides tend to "ask". And by asking the answer is no. I think they can be more direct. M"Mrs. S, time to get a showerer".

Doing the "moral thing" does not mean your at Moms beck and call. Does not mean you cook her meals because she won't eat what is served at the AL. (usually ALs have a couple of choices) She will eat when she is hungry. What is moral is making sure she is cared for, fed, kept clean and warm. Not to give ur life up for her. She is young but the AL is what she needs. And thats where we r, what she needs not what she wants. She has to realize this is her life. That its up to her how she does. You can't do it for her.

Your moral obligation to your parents is to make sure they are cared for. That is it. Not that you give up your life to care for them yourself. Not to give up working to care for them if you need and want to work. Not to put aside the goal of becoming a parent . Not to put up with abusive behavior (and your mom is abusive through self-neglect and manipulation). Decide what kinds of care you can provide for your mom that you are able to provide while maintaining your well-being: phone calls, visits, bringing occasion treats. I'm not hearing that these "other" people are willing to do anything to help care for your mom.

Dementia can be cause by strokes as well as Parkinson's disease and Alzheimer's disease. Frontal lobe strokes can cause all kinds of unreasonable behavior that can be difficult to live with or manage. It seems mom is being cared for the best she will allow and that you are showing her love and support the best way you can. When other criticize, ask them to visit mom and give them a task to do to help her. Either those folks will step up or they will stop being critical.

You should do what you feel is right, not what others think. Being a caregiver for over 10 years, I sacrificed my most productive years for mom. She died just 2 weeks ago, and though I lost 12 pounds I'm now employed and I feel better just by working. We are all on this earth for only a short while..and believe me caregiving will impact YOUR elder years including the inability to retire. Your mom will be long gone but YOU have to live with the consequences of caregiving. It's an irony mom did NOT die of Alzheimer's. Good lord she was healthy -- her brain was just gone from the disease but she was HEALTHY and could have lasted will into her mid-90s. She suffered liver failure..it took one week for her to die after symptoms appeared. Her mom died of liver failure age 50's. My mom died age 90. So even if mom were a walkie-talkie self caring person she would have died of the same thing!

It will only get worse. Try taking care of a bedridden person (mom was only bedridden for 2 months prior to her passing because I kept her going as long as I could!) -- turning and changing diapers and tube feedings. And inducing bowel movements. I had my mom on a tues, thurs and sunday bowel schedule. All I did was pour a cup of prune juice and a cup of coffee down her peg tube she would poo in 2 or 3 hours! So her bowels were easy for me to manage--STILL it was an all day affair! When it was bowel day I kept her in a diaper (I became an expert changer..I could change mom's diaper in a few minutes by myself!). That was because if I did not diaper her she would put her hands in her poo and smear it all over the place. I'm very sorry for being explicit but THAT IS THE WAY IT IS!

My entire life was MOM only. I was home bound because of mom. She could not help it. Try cleaning her vaginal area because poop got in there. If you don't she will get infection. Buying tons of ointments for her bottom to prevent breakdown. That urine will eat up skin fast. By the way--diapers are NOT cheap. Mom went through 4 or 5 a day. She urinated a lot..then again I kept her hydrated and well fed with tube feedings (that has 60% water so that needed supplementing with free water flushes). One single diaper is about 50 cents a piece so that's about $2 a day!!!! Medicare will NOT pay for diapers (Medicaid does, but she was just on medicare). Ointments..oh and gloves. 100 gloves was $10. So that's 50 pairs. I'd go through a box of gloves fast so I can clean her. Cost of WIPES. Kaaching! HOYER LIFTS to move her from bedrrom to living room so she can enjoy television. I did that daily! Sitting up helps with lungs. She died with clear lungs and no infections and no utis. She was a full-time unpaid job..but I love her dearly and everyday I thanked God I still had her!

I say put her in a nursing home. Seriously. If she's not on Medicaid see an eldercare attorney and get her Medicaid ready.

BUT for myself I do NOT regret taking care of mom. Despite how hard she was to care for I love her dearly and I would give my soul to the devil if I could have her back. However, people do die, and I feel considerable comfort I gave my mom quality years and even at the end she died without any pain or discomfort. She truly had a very peaceful life because my motivation to care for her was pure love. I really love mom and she knew it. I miss her...but I have to live with the aftermath of being a caregiver. That's fine. I can deal.

MY POINT IS THIS: DO NOT CARE FOR HER BECAUSE YOU FEEL OBLIGATED. You will get into serious trouble, because it's hard unpaid work. Further, I spent THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS of my own money for her care. FAMILY WILL DO NOTHING TO HELP YOU! DO NOT EVEN EXPECT ANYTHING!

Do it because you are motivated with pure love and you WANT to do it for her.

The only thing you should do that you're not already doing is read up more on the various types of dementia and their relationship with stroke, plus the variety of other conditions that affect your mother. Most of what you describe could be attributable to that. Do you know what caused the stroke?

Moral obligation... well, yeah, and/but so where does that leave you?

You don't want your mother (or any other lady, I expect) to be lonely, neglected and uncared for, of course you don't. But it's a HECK of a jump from that to the frankly daft suggestion that you should scoop her up, take her home, and nurse her 'til the end of her days.

Just to help us understand the background a bit better: what prompted you to move her to your state after her stroke in July? Were there no options local to where she was living, or was that part of feeling that you needed her closer because you "should" be taking charge of her care?

When you mention the family, who are they and where do they live (roughly)?

Guess what...your husband does not get to decide what your boundaries or your obligations are. He is actually using poor boundaries by doing so. You need to stay strong and know that you can say what your limits are. No one, but no one has the right to tell you to take her to your home. Especially in light of the fact that you work and have stated perfectly good concerns.
I would definitely recommend talking with a therapist and if she/he suggests it, bring your husband to a session so he can have his eyes open. The therapist will support your decision, believe me. Also they will give you options on being around your mother.
Now for her...when she was in rehab, she would have had an appointment with a speech therapist. The ST would have done a cognitive evaluation. I'm wondering if you can get the results of that cognitive test. I would think that you had a care conference upon her discharge with all the people involved with her care in rehab. Do you have HIPPA rights with your mom. Are you her medical POA? If you are then your obligation is to look after her medical needs and to be sure she is treated and diagnosed properly. You have a say in her treatment. If you don't have it then you should get it soon.
It's quite possible she may need care in a LTC facility. Not sure though as that depends on if she has medical needs that qualify.
One thing is you can not make your mom take showers, eat etc. So realize these are battles that are beyond your control and let those go.
I always recommend a book that is fantastic in these situations written by a psychologist, Paul Chafetz. It's on Amazon and is a quick read packed with tips. It's called Loving Hard to Love Parents; A Handbook for children of Difficult Older Parents.
Please know that we care and understand.

You make no mention of your Mom’s age. You are in early 30’s and feel you do not have and have not had a meaningful relationship with her.

This is a responsibility that will not go away. As an only child, you need to know what support system your Mom has right now. Is long term care insurance in place? What financial resources does she have? Is she on SS or SS disability? Will she need Medicaid? These are all things that must be discussed preferably with a professional. Make certain your advisor is really interested in helping you and not just in it for a fee.

Once you are armed with info and an action plan, have a family meeting and proceed from there. You might be surprised with the results.

You are not ,"obligated" to do more for your mother than you are able or willing to do. You are wise to know that greater involvement and care taking are too much for you. You are not obligated to take your mother into your home. You can help choose an AL or NH facility, depending upon how much care she needs. If you try to do it all the care taking yourself just b/c your husband thinks you "should," you will live with enormous resentment and anger toward both your mother and your husband.

This type of situation only escalates.... people rarely get “better” and suddenly become fully functioning adults who are 100% independent. Unfortunately, this gets worse.
You have already shown that you are looking out for the best interest of your MOM by seeking a placement to keep her safe and healthy. It’s not an easy decision, nor is it a selfish one... it’s the ONLY one. I’m in the process of transitioning dad from hospital to rehab, to a “placement” based on his ever-growing list of needs. I’m sure he wishes to be home, but I cannot physically care for him any more, and he is not safe to be living alone with only my assistance for a few hours after work. This was a hard decision but it is necessary for both of us.
And you’re right in understanding that when you have children, you will not be able to do everything by yourself.
Best wishes!

All of what you posted has been mentioned many times with elders. The fear of falling while bathing, the hallucinations and more. Whatever you do, do NOT have her move in with you. Perhaps she does need more than the assisted living offers.

You don’t mention your mom's age but the trauma of the bone break, surgery, hospitalization, etc can be very disturbing for an elderly person. When my mom had hip replacement surgery I discovered that the anesthetics used can cause "altered personality issues."

Mom had heart surgery last year, age 91. She went completely bonkers refusing to take her meds, telling a dr she didn’t like his face, told a nurse she had a bad attitude! It was a bit funny, the hospital even did a psych evaluation and determined it was a combination of the meds and disorientation being in the hospital. Normally she is very quiet and respectful of medical personnel.

Ask if the hospital has a case manager you can talk to about this. Even a UTI in an elderly person can cause mental problems

I think, as an only child (as I am), we're involved with our mothers, one way or another, whether we want to be or not! There is NO family that's going to help us, let's face it! My 2 children avoid calling their grandmother if they can, until I call and hound them. We're all alone in this game, I'm afraid. So we need to conserve our energy when and where we can. As far as moving her in with you, FUGGEDABOUTIT! You're doing more than enough caring for her in Assisted Living. People don't understand when they tell you to take her in your home..........if they think it's such a great idea, then THEY should take her in!!!!!! Uh huh.

Anyway, it sounds like your mother has dementia going on, maybe from the stroke, maybe from anesthesia, maybe from both. Regardless of where it came from, she may be too much for the Assisted Living Facility to handle, and she'll have to be moved to either Memory Care or Skilled Nursing sometime soon. After breaking a hip, it can be hard for an elder to recover, and they can start on a downhill roll from there. This is something you'll need to discuss with her doctor to get his/her feedback about how to proceed. The good thing about Memory Cares and SNFs is that there is less of your time required......there is a lot more care provided for the elder in these establishments, which is helpful. When I had to transfer my mother from AL to Memory Care this past June, my life actually got easier. They have a lot more care givers to tend to her there, which frees ME up.

So, we still care for our mother's while they are in ALs or MCs or SNFs, it's just not 24/7 or inside of our homes. It's enough, trust me.

I wish you all the luck in the world dealing with this stressful situation. Sending you a hug.

Don't you DARE move your mom into your house! It will absolutely take a toll on your marriage. This website is slap full of stories of people who deeply regret bringing a loved one into their home. Dementia is a beast in itself. If the money is available for her to be in AL, keep her there. Visit often to ensure she is being cared for.

i read your story and I ask one question: How and why on earth would you even consider bringing her into your home and allowing this to ultimately destroy you and everything near to you? DO NOT BRING HER HOME. There is too much at stake for you and you will be the loser and I doubt you deserve this - never. She is difficult, you had no relationship, you have a husband and you have a job, and you want to live life and have kids. For God's sake - there is no question whatsoever. DO NOT DO IT. Think of yourself first - it is YOUR time now - take care of yourself and husband and job, etc. and live life while you have the chance. YOU owe her nothing based on her personality and past relationship. I don't know his culture or background but he is an idiot if he feels you are morally responsible for her - perhaps you might be if she was a different kind of person and had been a mother to you (loving) - but that is not the case. Don't listen to him - you will be destroyed if you don't put a stop to it now.

You do not have an obligation to be her primary caregiver. Help plan for her care if you wish but trust your instincts and do not give up your job or your entire life.

These are your years to plan for your future with your husband. Keep reminding yourself of that. Best wishes to you and your family.

I heard a great parable on the radio last week:

There was a great flood in a valley, and a tree with a nest of baby birds was going to be swept away. The mama bird came in and picked up the first of three baby birds to carry it to safety. While in flight, the baby bird said, Mama, I'm so thankful to you for saving me! I promise when I grow up, I'll take care of you forever!

Mama bird dropped that baby into the rushing water and picked up the second baby.

This baby bird looked up at mama bird and said, I thank you for your sacrifice and I promise I will sacrifice everything to take care of you!

Mama bird dropped that baby into the rushing water as well, and turned to pick up her last baby in the nest.

The last baby bird looked up at Mama bird and said, I am so thankful that you are taking such great care of me that you would rescue me. To honor you, I promise I will take care of my babies as well as you have taken care of me!

Mama bird set him down safely in a tree top, far above the rushing waters.

It's not our job to take care of the past, it's our job to take care of the future. I'd talk to Adult Protective Services and tell them your mother needs to have the state take over her guardianship since she can't take care of herself and no one in the family can either. The Bible says to honor your parents and that means finding the right people to tend to their needs. You are not trained or equipped to do so. Be at peace.

surprise - I've heard that same parable, too, except it was a father bird instead of mother bird.

Reading the many posts in this forum over the last couple of years, I see a lot of the elderly not only want their children to sacrifice for them, they want the grandchildren to do the same too.

I really hope the elderly I read about on AC do not represent the elderly population as a whole.

I don't believe it is the responsibility or obligation of children to care for their parents. I'm an only child as well, and in the last seven weeks am being forced to deal with a 91 y/o father just diagnosed with vascular dementia and an 84 y/o mother who fell and fractured her hip (parents are divorced) and has been in rehab for the last 7 weeks. I live an hour away, work full-time, run a small business, and have a life that I work hard for and I want to live my life. Neither of my parents have EVER spent 5 minutes of their lives being care-givers for their parents or spouses. I've had conversations with them through the years that I was not going to be the person for them to turn to when this time came. I have some help from extended family members with my father (he currently lives independently with some weekly visits and help) but no help at all with my mother. She especially knows I feel very stressed-out, overwhelmed, and resentful of being stuck in the position of figuring out all of the next moves for her (she too lives independently.) I've spent hours each day at work on calls, emails, research, etc. She keeps saying she's sorry, but that's no help to me. Please don't move your mother in with you or feel THE LEAST BIT guilty. I have no shame in saying that I don't think this is my job or moral obligation, and I feel the same for you.

Good luck!

SURPRISE HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD..... Be the baby bird taking care of her kids..... I stuck my kid on the backburner for many years. She knows.. She felt she was last one on totem pole.


She is the only one left... I love her dearly.... I certainly do not want her worrying about me if and when she has a family....

The times and years I have missed

No, It was for me a domino effect. ONe parental pillar started to tilt,, and hey... once then here comes another. It wasn't anything someone said or wanted... it jjust naturally fell this way.... I am ok with it... bring it on... THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

Pass, Yes it did... :(

My other concern is when I have children. I won’t be able to put this time and effort in as I am now. I apologize for the long post but I would appreciate some advice. Thanks

God/nature, will intervene....TRUST......

TRUST TRUST TRUST Things happen for a REASON....

I am typing this during the first Trimester of the Holildays... Or second trimester.. Halloween is over...

I am going to type slowly... means nothing to your.... since yo cannot see how slowly I type.

I am your mother (not really) close to her age. My daughter just told me how slow I am to process things in a store...what to buy what to ignore and what to do about it, etc..... you now know why she said that.
YOUR WORDS:
is because of my husband who believes I have a “moral obligation” towards my mom. I guess my question is, should I be doing more? I is because of my husband who believes I have a “moral obligation” towards my mom. I guess my question is, should I be doing more? I ENERGY..... ENERGY... Do you have energy to be superwoman? Yo can try, BUT DO NOT FEEL GUILTY IF YOU FAIL....

All of us are here on earth are here for a certain amount of time, which we were not given at time of birth.... I just found out the jerk up the street died... and his son who seemed to be a jerk too died before he did. Who am I to judge? I AM NOT.. and yet sometimes I think...THIS EARTH IS GETTNG SMALLER. WE NEED TO GET ALONG. Somethings are not in our control..

you do need a relationship with mom, as much as it seems awkward or strange, you need to. My mom and I had a great bond, my daughter and I don't have a great bond, a good bond at times... but to get to the next challenge, you and mom need to bond. YOU NEED TO BOND WITH MOM. My opinion sorry... others will pipe in, as you know and need... FOR THIS TO GO WELL YOU NEED TO BOND W/ MOM.

You say you are an only chiild.... what family do you expect to call you? Just wondering,,, my kid is the only kid I have, and IT IS ALL ON HER WHEN I HAVE ISSUES.. AND I TOLD HER WHATEVER SHE DECIDES is OK.... I lived my life, whatever happens now... is ok.... BUT DO NOT LEAVE ME SUFFERING! :)

I dont mean to sound harsh... but I had 2 brothers. one died before mom, and the other... well, he has his own issues...by barely made it down here to say goodbye to our mom..........so,,, suffice it to say: This Too Shall Pass, and you will be ok. and your family...

When you see mom, :: happy fun stomping; music, treats, dance, and be , merry... and play that radio or dvd loud and bring everyone to dance and laugh. HAppy happy happy... AND BRING EXTRA MILKSHAKES... And I ask for extra cups when I order, so I can split the shakes and share. Add ENSURE INTO THE SHAKES SO THEY CAN DANCE A LIL LONGER.. 111

MAKE IT FUN, PLAY MUSICE, TOSS A BALL/BALLOON, drink shakes LAUGH LAUGH, TELL STORIES, MEMORIES... MEMORIES, AND GET EVERYONE IN THE FACILITY TO ENJOY AND HAVE FUN... Bring in more balloons, treats for everybody.... once a WEEK, TWICE A WEEK....
Get everyone in the common area when you visit,,, if mom is off a bit, pay more attention to the others... this will kick her out of the attitude.. TELL HER IT IS OKAY... JOAN WILL PLAY... ask someone else to dance...

DO BRING YOUR CD PLAYER BOOM BOX... PLAY THEIR MUSIC... MAKE YOUR STAY FUN AND HAPPY... ONCE IT STARTS GOING SOUTH, PACK UP...SAY I LOVE YOU. AND LEAVE.

When you visit, make you sound happy and uplifting.. bring treats, and play music. A broken bone, hip, is hard to overcome...≥

Make it a happy visit.. if she can't handle happy too long, leave.


Your hubby is right... Yes, it is hard to believe... DO NOT FELL GUILTY... AT ALL.

when things go down.,,,, do not feel guilty.... DO NOT FEEL GUILTY...

So now, you are in your 30's.. married and not pregnant..start watching your diet, alcohol. vitamins... If you are in your late 30's and want kids, start doing your research, and talk to fertility doctors.. NOW !! People don't talk about it much, but you need to talk and research.... You said so much. Get both yo and hubby healthy and on track if you two are in agreement about BABY !!!!
This maybe healthy for your ma too that she may be a grandma. :) happy hands :)

Lots to think about.... If you are over 33, it is time for you to concentrate on you... Seriously... you, hubby baby....It gets harder later... I know, been there, done that.

So, now that I said that... Make sure mom is in a safe place. Visit her often until it goes south. If yo need to set your alarm on your smart phone, do it..... 5 minutes....
Sorry mom, I need to go... See you in a few days...

You are an only child... Do not think anyone is going to rescue you from this scenario.

Get hubby, get started on what steps you need to have a child. Yes that biological clock is real... REALLY. Been there Done That... after a few treatments, TWO miscarriages, and almost a mental breakdown..i kept my third pregnancy.

Start trying now.. I realized from my MIL that the first couple pregnancies may be caused from your body getting used to being pregnant.... who knows...it was very hard. So start taking prenatal vitamins, talk to HUBBY, doctors, nurses,

this time is for you n hubby. baby :) healthy baby :)

You Will Be Okay !! It Is a Fun Adventure !! Hard at times, but it is worth it.

Everyobody melts when "baby" is mentioned. You will want mom in this time...
It is okay....

Hard thing to come to terms with is parent having dementia.. A doctor told me that everytime she comes here, a little part of her brain will be gone.... He was right.

Now you are going through this and wanting to possibly having a baby soon..


I VOTE FOR BABY !!!! And baby will give happiness to mom for a 5 minute visit.

sorry... I'm going nowI will write later...

You answered your own questions. You are young and you want to live and by God, that should be number one for you - don't wait - do it now. Second, she did not have a good relationship with you so why do you expect one now. When someone starts with behavior that has a negative impact on you and yours, do you stand there and take it or do you stop it? If you have any guts and brains, you ELIMINATE that behavior and make it stop. You do all you can in a kind way to fix things but if you can't, then walk away and never look back. No one has the right to do harm to someone else and if it means leaving, then do it and live your life. Those with bad behavior must reap the results of what they sow. Please, please go - now - look to yourself and your life and future.