My Dad is 80 and lives on his own. He was my Mom's primary caregiver until hospice came in 4 months before her passing two years ago. He suffered two small strokes a couple years ago after she passed. He recovered fairly well from the strokes but last month was hospitalized with kidney failure (probably due to dehydration). We live about a half hour away…we have cameras in his apartment and also check on him regularly with daily phone calls which is how we knew he wasn’t doing well and called the ambulance for him. (I am his only child and family close by… he calls me his guardian angel.) His kidney function improved but we found out he has a mass on his right kidney which he will have an MRI on in a few weeks. Dad has additional issues such as uncontrolled Diabetes, spinal stenosis, and neuropathy. He also has age-related memory loss, which is progressively getting worse… over the last few months he got lost coming to my house once (where I’ve lived over 20 years), and has had asked me for directions to his pharmacy and bank a couple of times. He also forgets to check his blood glucose and to take his his meds on a regular basis even with me calling him to remind him. (He just started insulin a month ago.)
A few weeks ago, Dad’s neurologist stated to him, and me, that with so much stuff going on it is ‘probably time for him to stop driving’ … but Dad feels like he’s fine. I took his car to my home when he was hospitalized. He was ok with me keeping it when he was hospitalized, but recently is becoming more upset and angry with me, insisting that he wants it back. It’s killing me thats he’s so upset.
I remind him of his health issues and reassure him that whenever he wants to go someplace, me or my husband will take him but he just wants his independence to go out when he wants. He lives in the middle of his town and could walk to many places (with his cane)... church, restaurants, pharmacy are within 1-3 blocks … but he can be unsteady at times and walking long distances can take a lot out of him. We already drive him to all his Dr appointments and bring him to our house for dinner when he’s feeling up to it. I am his POA. After many late fees, I handle his finances. I do his laundry, I fill his med box, he has a cleaning lady 2 times a month and we now have meals on wheels delivering lunch and dinner to him and are working on getting church volunteers to stop by his place to help with medication reminders. He’s grateful for all we do for him, and I can imagine how frustrating it is for him to be losing so much of his independence. Honestly I believe he needs to be in assisted living, but he refuses to leave his apartment. We are doing everything we can so he can stay there, but not having his car has caused him to become so very angry with me to the point where he hung up the phone on me tonight and said he’d be better off dead. This crushed my heart…….I know I shouldn’t, but I am second guessing if he should have his car back. Is there anything I could say or do to get him to react reasonably and reassure him?
THIS WAS ALL BECAUSE AN OLD MAN WAS DRIVING WHO HAD NO BUSINESS BEING BEHIND THE WHEEL OF A CAR.
I was so fortunate when my stepdad realized himself when he was getting to the point that he should not be driving. Please, for the sake of everyone else on the road, do not let him drive.
Colleen Pell.
With my husband we had many a "discussion" in the driveway and eventually he gave in, I just wore him down. We are alone so it was either me or stay home, no one to call. I would suggest perhaps you could find a driver for him, maybe at the local Senior Center they would advise you. I would also go to the local key cutter, buy a blank key that looks like his, and replace the real keys with this. You can often even buy a blank remote control. Guys seem to like keys in their pocket and if the key doesn't work, so be it, must be the damn car!
I have also heard that you can disable the car right there in the driveway so he can see it and know the repair shop is overwhelmed and will get to it asap! As in never!
Be strong, believe all these stories on here of deaths caused and guilt taken on, don't let it happen to him.....or to you! Best of luck to you, and God bless!
I had a similar situation with my mom years ago. It was hard, but life changing as I can help you navigate. I truly understand the position you’re in.
When the child becomes the parent to their parents is and can be overwhelming, we’ve never traveled that road but, all that we do is out of love and respect for them as they have done for us throughout our lives.
If you choose to put him in nursing home then do so and don’t feel guilty. Never feel guilty when making a positive step in his health care. Just don’t forsake him, visit often , take him to dinner , games etc…
Yes, he may be angry, just know that you’re doing the right things for his health and even your sanity but, it’s out of love. And yes the rage and anger that they show us hurts, a lot!!! But, you have to be wise and even clever at times to divert the anger or redirect it! The old adage “ once an adult twice a child” definitely is true!
Best of navigation !💕
Request a joint visit with the Highway Patrol to discuss why Dad's license needs to be revoked: it's not personal, it's the law and it's all about distracted driving.
For Dad: Just quote the Stones' song, "You can't always get what you want."
https://www.icbc.com/driver-licensing/re-exam/Pages/Default.aspx
I think it helps families when an outside authority requires medial exams starting at age 80. This applies to everyone. Seniors still do not like to give up their independence, but it is easier when it is not a family member requiring it.
Dad passed his medical at age 90, but a couple mouths later fell off his bike and my brother told him no more driving. Dad understood, although his car is still parks outside the house.
There was a case a few yeas ago, when a senior was told no more driving, but his family let him drive to get coffee every day. They did not think it was a big deal. Until the day he killed a young woman on a motorcycle. They have to live with that guilt and the costs of that for the rest of their lives and the woman's family were devastated.
Would he do well is prison for manslaughter? Or would he fight the charge, saying he didn't have cognitive skills to discern if he should drive or not, and left the decision to you, who gave him the keys.
If you gave him the keys, and this happened, how would you feel?
Compromise. Put an Uber ap on his cell phone. Then he has no limits (other than wearing a mask while in the car) to where or when he can travel, he will simply have a driver instead of driving himself.
My father in law was in a similar situation, bargaining and manipulating emotions to maintain "indepent living" alone in his home. The result was multiple falls and medical emergencies and medication errors that resulted in physical consequences so severe that he cannot enjoy the amenities and social experiences that assisted living had to offer. The physical and emotional cost of his 3 months of "independent living" where he was non-compliant with no driving, home health visits, and wearing a life alert, and refusing to let the pharmacist manage his meds instead of him taking them at his own discretion, is multiple hospitalizations and surgeries that have left him bedbound, so weak he is unable to sit on the side of a bed unassisted, and in a nursing home.
Please feel free to share my story with him, so that he can make a better choice, enjoy the amenities that assisted living has to offer, and live his life in comfort and safety with as much privacy and independence as possible.
It sounds like an antidepressant could help him adjust. ((((((Hugs)))) I know this is a difficult time for you and for him.
Would you let him take your child or grandchild anywhere?
Would you ride with him?
If the answer to these are no then it is time that you take the keys away.
Swap out the cane for a walker that has a seat so if he gets tired on a walk to town he can sit for a spell. Most have baskets so he can bring a bottle of water and bring back any small purchases.
Approximately 2 months later - I was called at 9:00 a.m. at work. On the other end of the phone there was an ER Nurse telling me my there had been an accident and my mom was in their care. She further instructed me that I should come to the hospital as quickly as possible. After reaching the hospital, several hospital personnel including nurses came out to "prep" me for what I was about to see - and I'm glad they did - my mom was so broken and brused from the accident - I barely recognized her - her face was so mangled - bruised, broken nose, many broken bones - severe brain hemorrhage which could not be controlled or stopped, along with internal injuries. Thank God, she was conscientious only for a short while - at least she knew I was there - and for her to apologize ( I know this was very important to her) telling me she would never drive again - she "promised". She kept her promise and passed away a week later in a state of unconsciousness. Please spare your Dad this horrible and painful "lesson".....my blessings and prayers are with you - this is not easy. I wish I had done things differently and possibly spared my mom such a painful and tragic death. It is not necessarily about them per se, it is about everything else - other people, stress, traffic, reaction time, etc. Things are NOT what they used to be not only in our world, but also in traffic....Really horrible consequences do occur as a result of poor decisions being made.
However a car accident can injure your Dad and worse, others. If you have a dr professional opinion, then respect it.
All you can do is show you understand in your words and remind him that you are doing all you can to help him stay at his apartment. Let him be angry- he is angry at aging, not you. All you can do is confirm you are angry too at how aging makes all of you have to adjust but you are a team and you all are trying. He is trying too.
My now deceased narcissist mother was 100 defiant when it came to giving up driving.
She finally drove over a curb, went airborne and landed in a large CVS parking lot and a pole.
She told me to leave the hospital because she knew I was the one concerned.
That could have been avoided if her doctors would have done something without me being present.
It wasn’t what ended her life, but she could have hurt others with her obstinance.
She continued with that attitude, making every single event dramatic and hard.
Save yourself and ask her doctor to fill out the paperwork for DMV.
After that accident I’m sure he will.
Hugs to you for all you’ve been through.
My LO said that many times - before or when his physical and/or mental abilities were failing.
It's such a telling statement.
It's not just the loss of his car; it's the loss of what makes him feel alive.
Your dad feels horrible, helpless & hopeless. I's not a good place to be, but you & his doctor are right; he shouldn't be driving..
I wish we had a script, but there is none. Instead, we search for the right things to do & say, hopefully, with love and kindness.
Acknowledge his pain and anger. Tell him you know it's a terrible thing to face - you may face the same thing someday - but that you will be with him every step of the way, no matter where it takes you. He was there for you when you needed him; you will be there for him when he needs you. Ask if he can work with you on this so you can get through it together because it hurts you to see him in such pain.
Tell your dad you know it stinks. You understand that he's not happy. But you just can't let him drive when you know it is not a good idea. If he had an accident and killed an innocent person, you would never get over the guilt.
My Mom used less than a tank of gas per year for the previous 5 years. Once my Mom gave up her keys, within a month, we noticed a degradation of her physical coordination and her hand/eye coordination. She tripped when she walked more and could not do 2 things at once. Be prepared. He is losing more than his independence.
Your Dad sounds like he should not be behind anything significant that could cause harm to others. Even though you feel guilty not giving his car keys, think of how guilty you would feel if he ran over a person. You would live with that guilt for the rest of your life.
About the "better off dead". I'm sorry to sound so callous, however, there does come a point, where the elderly will really think seriously about that and say it. The way we handled it was "Well, I don't want you to die and I would really miss you if you were dead. Who would I go to help me take xxx to the zoo? (look for concrete things that he has and will help you or others in the future) ". Basically, make them realize that a car is not required for being a contributing member of society.
You are doing the right thing for you and him, by not letting him drive a car.
Walking with a cane can really suck. It is like walking with crutches. If your father has all those other health issues, I'm sure he is NOT looking forward to walking to wherever he wants to go.
I don't know what your finances are like. If allowed, can you afford to get him one of those motorized wheelchairs (scooters) or something along those lines? Or is his mental capacity so bad that he should not be in control of anything motorized? My brother had a stroke and he was not allowed to drive anything, not even a Costco shopping cart.
I feel for your Dad, I am sorry for you. However, it is probably best for society if your Dad no longer drives a car.
One of the things I notices with my mom dementia, they become very self centered. They care about their lives, regardless of others.
During a visit last year, the neighbors informed me, mom was having a hard time getting the car out of the garage. She was leaving the car in gear and applying the parking brake. So when she tried to the start the car, it wouldn't start. This wasn't every time, but it was happening. I asked her doctor about this and he informed my she shouldn't be allowed to drive and offer to notify the DMV. I agree. The better option should of been, the doctor should had a stern talking to her first.
This did not go well and a long story. After DMV revoked her license, she continue to drive. Stating she had a perfect drive record, and it was ok for her to drive. For her, it did not matter if she hurt/killed someone, lost her house in accident law suit. She said that wouldn't happen. She refused to believe in any reason that lead to her to stop driving - BTW she did not need a car.
When car stopped working, the local repair shop would make house calls and get the car working. When the car keys went missing, she had the lock smith come by and make new ones. Yes she has dementia, but VERY determine/stubborn to fix her injustices.
When the social worker came by with the police and had her surrender her revoked license, this did not stop her from driving.
Fast forward today.., The repair shop no longer comes by, and the car does not work. She is EXTEREMELY upset with her doctor. The doctor has repeatedly to told her she cannot drive, she does not believe him. She has gotten lost twice within 3 blocks of her house of 60 years during her daily walks. Her short term memory is just about gone. Repeats questions with in a minute. Retells life stories in a continuously loop. There is no discuss of topics, just stories. Cannot follow a tv show, or read a book due to her memory.
But if that car was working, she would be driving in a heart beat. Going thru this ordeal extremely hard, heart breaking and being the adult to aging parent is very tough. We all have to struggle thru this. There is no manual, but we all need help. Try not be the bad son/daughter in this process. Get help from the professionals, social workers, doctors, people in the community. This allows you to be supportive to your parent in a time when they will feel isolated and alone.
I have offer my mom getting a new license. All we need to do is go to the DMV and pass the written test and go thru an interview. She laughs and say how am I going to get thru without a CAR! I offer to drive her there, but she refuses my offer. Since the test are on a computer, she would have a very hard time doing the test.
Good luck on journey being a parent to your parent. You are not alone and you have support, just reach out for help.