I'll try to make this short...basically I feel pretty burnt out-or starting to get burnt out but I'm not sure if it's me being ridiculous-if I should suck it up and realize that I am going over the top, or if I legitimately have reason to feel this way...
I have been a caregiver for years, but I took a break for some time until my boyfriend's 103 year old grandmother who lives upstairs from us had a fall and needed 24/7 assistance. Having much experience caregiving, I quickly told her daughter and her daughters husband that if they were going to hire someone, that I would be more than happy to take care of her. As it turns out, Norma, (the woman I take care of) was OVERJOYED and highly relieved that I wanted to do this for her. She now constantly tells me that "if I didn't have you I would DIE!!! I would LET GO," and she refuses to let anyone else do what I do. The one time it was brought up, she went into hysterics and whenever she has to go to her daughters, she becomes hysterical and horribly sad and will have horrible incontinentce and accidents and her memory worsens (I'm assuming due to stress).
Norma is HORRIBLY wealthy, as is her daughter. I mean-CRAZY rich. But they pay me next to nothing. I don't know how to bring this up to them or even if I should. And I am not getting free room and board. It is an expensive part of town, and my boyfriend and I pay all the bills. It especially makes me feel Terrible about even THINKING about asking for more pay...and this is hard because San Francisco is expensive to say the least...Also, my boyfriend is against me even thinking about the fact that I should make more, and that I'm not even making minimum wage.
I do most everything for Norma. I dress her, bathe her, make all her meals (and my boyfriends meals as well as driving him to and from work and taking care of any errands he needs fulfilled or driving. Him to and from appointments as well as giving him 85-90% of my paycheck every week for bills). I take her to and from appointments, run any errands she needs done, go to the store sometimes multiple times a day, fix her hair, give her manicures and pedicures, do her makeup...every time she needs to use the restroom, I take her...so basically all that. I feel like that's a bit, but my boyfriend tells me that I get to sit at home and that it's really doing nothing...so I feel like I'm just overreacting especially since most caregivers must be doing a LOT more...
At first her daughter and her husband told me that I would get the weekends off. That they would take her with them each time, and if she wasn't feeling up to it, that they would just stay here for the weekend so I would still get a break...
That never has happened. It has now been over three months without a break...but once again, I'm confused because I feel like maybe I should have more breaks, but since I live downstairs, I do get to sit around for sometimes up to two hours at the VERY most (when she naps in the afternoon) and clean or do things for my boyfriend or sometimes watch tv while I wait for her to use a beeper she wears around her neck to page me.
I apologize for not making much sense, but recently I have been so exhausted I sit down and the next thing I know, she is beeping me and I have fallen asleep sitting up. Sometimes I spend the whole night sitting up on the couch because after I put her to bed I try to wind down for a while and then just fall out...but once again, (and especially since my boyfriend tells me I'm not really doing anything and that he would take my place ANYDAY-he is an electrician) I really feel like I'm just tired because of other reasons possibly, and so I need to just stop worrying and accept things.
So that in a super confusing nutshell is what's going on...I guess my question is-what should I do and what am I doing? Am I right to feel this but your, or is it just me being silly and overreacting as I sometimes have done in the past...
I don't even know...
First, decide what you really want. Would you like to continue to be there for her if you were better paid or if you had time off, or have you had enough?
If you want to continue to care for her I would begin by making notes on what you are doing, how often and for how long. It doesn't matter that you can return to your apartment if you are really not free to go out and are still on call. Make note of what outside caregivers would be earning for the same duties.
Once you have done that then approach whoever is responsible and tell them the arrangement isn't working out for you. Let them know that you love to help but feel you are being taken advantage of, then state your case for what you want, they will either have a hissy fit or see the error of their ways. Once you come to an agreement (if you do) make up a caregiving contract and have everyone sign it, that way there can be no dispute about anyone's expectations.
As others have written to similar posts, indentured servitude and slavery were abolished decades ago.
Without any further discussion, if this is a real situation, get yourself out of there and get a real job. Allowing yourself to be exploited and literally be a doormat is ridiculous.
If you want to be a caregiver, work for an agency and get treated like a real human being.
If you don't have the self esteem to stand up to your so-called BF, then get help from a group that treats emotionally abused women.
Something is very, very wrong and unbelievable about this situation. If you spend that much time on GM, how do you have time to work for pay?
No offense but your boyfriend sounds like an idiot. Two hours a day isn't much of a break especially if during those two hours you are basically on call.
You mentioned you get less than minimum wage. Do you have a written contract with the family regarding the number of hours you would work, what your duties would be, and the hourly pay? Let's say the contract says 8 hours but you find you are actually working 12 to 14 hours thus the pay would be less than minimum wage. Who is paying the payroll taxes? Or are you working as an independent contractor where you pay the payroll taxes? Did you get a 1099 for your income taxes from the family?
I found what your boyfriend said to you "you get to sit at home" to be very rude and insensitive. Maybe he needs to spend a week caring for his grandmother and see how much sitting around he does.
Why is your boyfriend unable to drive himself? Are you using your vehicle to drive him everywhere?
Missed this part. Are you saying that you give 85 - 90% of your paycheck to your boyfriend, plus pay room and board? This is unreal.
My bs meter is usually pretty good but I can't call this one - could just be crazy enough to be true.
Once agaIn, I apologize if my posts are cluttered and/or not entirely organized. I don't have much time to straighten everything out, and since I haven't had a day off in LITERALLY three months, I am pretty tired.
I came to this website/forum blindly-just looking for other caregivers who could possible help me with my situation-just tell me if I'm overreacting. And if i am overreacting,what I might be able to do-or even just some support.support. And if I'm not-just let me know and tell me that this is what this job entails and that I truthfully just need to realize this. I thought that (because my boyfriend isn't supportive) maybe other caregivers would be.
Even a sitter would earn 20$ an hour and that would not involve toiling or bathing etc.
Now lets bolt on the abuse you are getting from the daughter. Please get out of that situation. Why would you give your heart to someone who doesn't value you at all? Do you think if the tables were turned he would hand over the majority of his pay check to you?
I DONT THINK SO
This I think is the core of the issue. You need to focus on your own self esteem, why you allow a man to be such a dominant force over you, and why he can manipulate you so much that he literally controls you, and why you need that reinforcement from someone else.
If you enjoy caregiving, you could do it professionally, get paid better wages and treated better, not like a servant.
Nor would you need to tolerate the abusive daughter.
But the key really is self-esteem and self-respect; absent that, this could be away of life for you. Recognize it now, get out and create your own life.
And without being cruel, do you really think this 67 year old man sees you as a partner or as a cheaply paid servant?
Time for some serious self-evaluation if you ever want to be a person in your own rights. As I wrote, there are help groups for women who are emotionally battered, unless you want to live this kind of miserable life.
I now see the comparison to the cat woman who refused to leave while allegedly being treated abusively; it's like reading a book written by the same author.
BS meter is going off the charts. I call foul.
" I was born in 1989 and my boyfriend was born in 1967. "
?????