My mom lived with my family for probably 20 years. My dad passed suddenly when I was 11 and I've looked after her in one form or another since (I'm 50 now). She unfairly depended on me as you would an adult friend or family member at that early age. I'm coming to terms (through my own reflection and in therapy) on just how manipulative and emotionally abusive my mom has been towards me throughout my life. I have an older brother that she treats like he hung the moon, even though throughout the time she lived (past tense, will touch on that later) with us, he didn't lift a finger to help out with her care or to give us a break... or even visit her. Mom has been a non-compliant diabetic for the past 15-20 years, has had heart attacks and strokes and other health issues because of it. So, I looked after her caring for her during these times, solo, no help from anyone. Fast forward, my mom moved in with my brother and his family 7 years ago after she called me abusive. I still don't know where that came from, other than me constantly trying to get her to take her meds and manage her health conditions. I was the only one who seemed to care whether she lived or died. She had a few TIAs because she abruptly stopped taking her blood thinner following stents, even after her cardiologist told her under any circumstances could she come off of them because it could cause strokes and other issues. I had many convos with her on how selfish she was being since she lived with us and relied so much on me to care for her but she never seemed to care. I have to say when she left our house to live with my brother, I felt so much relief and guilt for feeling that relief. The relief was short lived because even though she wasn't living under our roof (45 minutes away with my bro), I was expected to oversee her care. I take some of the blame as there were never any boundaries set down by me. My mom is now 75 and dx with endometrial and gallbladder cancer 2 months ago that has spread to her liver. I allowed my SIL to guilt me into taking her back into my home to care for her. It lasted all of a week. She came to us, semi-independent... able to walk with a walker and go to the bathroom alone but as soon as we got her settled in, she couldn't seem to do anything for herself...I had to get her out of bed to her feet and walk with her to the bathroom and clean her up as she was having accidents almost every time. I cooked all her meals and served her in bed because she didn't want to get up. And then there was the day I had to go for my annual Gyno exam. I made sure she had eaten, got her meds and anything else she needed before I left. My husband and youngest son (23) were in the house with her when I left and I explained to her if she needed anything, let them know. Hubby checks in on her every hour or so just to make sure she is/ was OK. I had just came from getting bloodwork after my appointment and getting some things SHE needed when I got a phone call from her wanting to know where the h*ll I was and that I had been gone for freaking ever!! I was dumbfounded but calmly explained to her that she had people there if she needed anything and I would be home soon. I then called my husband and asked if he would poke his head in her room and see if she needed anything. He did as I asked but was met with such ugliness. She said she didn't need anything from him and to get out of her room. I was livid when he told me and knew this arrangement would not work out. So my SIL and bro took her back into their home instead of us finding a LTCF for her, after I told them I could no longer be her caregiver or responsible for her care. Again short lived relief as they still expect me to make the 90 mile round trip 2 times on the days of her Dr. appointment days to get her there and back, which I've done the past 2 weeks. Despite her saying she wants to die, she's chosen treatment so I'll be expected to do those appointments too. Teetering between guilt and being done.
Your Mom has taken advantage of you. You have done enough. Your therapist should help you set boundaries. Mom is not going to change but you can learn how to change how u handle her.
I strongly suggest you do the same.
Guilt? Why? You did nothing to cause this?
It doesn't matter what expectations someone else has for you... you are under NO obligation to do it. None of it.
You are correct that you didn't choose boundaries and didn't defend them. Now you know better.
FYI your Mother, brother and SIL will be enraged that they can't control you anymore. But, forewarned is forearmed. Who cares if they get mad? Let them. Do not feel guilt for a nanosecond. Give your brother and SIL both a verbal resignation and a written one (emailed, texted). Let them know that as of XX date you will no longer be providing any help or support. You don't have to give them a reason. There is no reason except you're done. Tag, they're it. If you give them a reason they will start to bully and negotiate with you, so don't give them that power. Don't enable the care. Stop being their only solution.
Your Mother "groomed" you to be the family doormat so now you need to be ungroomed. BetterHelp.com is accessible, affordable online therapy. I respectfully suggest you consider this so that you can get objective guidance about finding and defending healthy boundaries. We can't chose our family members but we can choose how or if we interact with them.
That being said, you must stop yourself from "horrible-izing" your Mom's care going forward. It is what it will be. Step completely away from that hot mess and make yourself and your own spouse and family a priority -- which hasn't been happening.
May you gain clarity and wisdom, and peace in your heart that you're doing the right thing by leaving.
No is a complete sentence. Turn off your phone. Throw your phone in the river. Whatever. Stop being available and reliable.
Just stop this madness.
There is no guilt in that.
Sit back and watch her drive the bus into a wall. It’s going to be spectacular.
Although you know that cantankerous ones seem to be able to stretch to the end of life expectancy and beyond.
It’s going to be frustrating and painful for her.
Some parents never learned how to be parents. So very sad for the children who are involved in their lives.
I cared for my mom too. It’s not easy. I feel your pain.
You have made the same mistakes that I did for far too long.
You're allowing your heart to rule your thoughts and actions instead of being logical.
I'm glad that you are in therapy. I ended up in therapy as well.
The past is gone forever. Lose the guilt. You have no reason to carry this heavy burden on your shoulders. Make the most of today.
Stop allowing your mom to choose whatever she wants. Set boundaries and stick to them.
Wishing you and your family well.
If I could let go of the guilt, I was raised that family takes care of family...although, my mom didn't take care of her mother, that too fell on me...or her siblings, I took on some of that too. In my head, I know I have nothing to feel guilty about but my heart hasn't gotten there yet.
Thank you for reading my novel and for the advice, I truly appreciate it.
And still is being enabled in that.
As to being able to "fix it", in your case, what would that mean?
Your mom is fast approaching the end of a life she has chosen to live as she has.
Nothing can change that.
It is for you to decide what you CAN do and what you CANNOT do, and to let her know that. Don't expect she will be happy with your choices, because, when has she EVER been?
I am truly relieved that, albeit late, you are addressing in therapy the enmeshment you and your mother share. I am relieved she is with SIL. As to whether you take her to her appointments, that is "up to you" as has everything else been up to you. As to whether you take her back into your own home, that is also up to you.
At some point we must face that we are grownups.
There is no longer anyone to tell us what to do.
We are responsible first TO OURSELVES, and second to our own nuclear family, the husband or wife we chose and the children we brought into the world.
We must take responsibility for making our own choices and must live with the repercussions of our choices.
I can understand that you were groomed by a mother severely limited in her abilities to be a good mom. Still, there are choices to be made, and we must make them OURSELVES and live with them.
No one really can "tell you what to do".
There surely has been enough of THAT, hasn't there, from your own Mom?
So I will tell you what my mom told me: "I will ask you to be independent, as that is what the world will require of you". By that she meant she raised me to be strong, to live on my own at age of majority, making my own home, chosing my own career, learning the basics and to make my own choices and live by what they wrought.
I wish you all the luck in the world. It seems to me therapy is doing you some real good here and I hope you will continue with it. You might ask next how to maintain your strength in the face of a bro and SIL who may try to manipulate you in the way they were raised to know best how to do.
I appreciate all the advice and I'm taking everything to heart and will continue to talk about it in my next therapy appointment. Right now, it's been pretty much all we talk about.
What can she do? Will she physically attack you? Verbally abused you? Threaten suicide? Cry?
What is her means of control?
Check out a website called Out of the FOG. F.O.G. stands for Fear, Obligation and Guilt. It's the way a great many parents exert control.
A poster here said to her therapist "oh, I can't do that. My mother would get mad!"
The therapist said "so what?"
So --so what?
..."I'll just lay here and die." She has been saying things to that affect for years. Like when she lived with us, before she accused me of being abusive, that she was going to find another place to live, until I called her bluff and asked her to stop making promises she had no intention of keeping.
Send your mom to AL, tell your brother to piss off, and get your life back. You've thrown away far too many years already.
My MIL has stage 4 lung cancer that spread 2 years ago. She had some chemo and is still going strong.
My husbands grandma had cancer a second time and refused treatment after her first round of chemo years ago she wanted nothing to do with that again. The cancer mysteriously vanished and she died years later (not from cancer).
Stop driving all that way to take your mother to appointments and treatments. It is an unreasonable request. Mom will need to make arrangements with siblings that live near her or she can call a taxi or uber to take her to treatments. The cancer society also has rides for seniors. There are many options that are not you for her to utilize if she is serious about getting treatment.
Wow, is that ever classic manipulation!
Please look up the FOG site; I think you'll find it very enlightening.
https://outofthefog.website/
Typically, people don't operate this way. Most folks understand that if you want someone to do something for you, you need to treat them well.
Was she abused by her parents and/or her husband? This kind of reeks of that sort of upbringing.
What is wrong is that you are still managing your mother’s health appointments .
You told your brother and his wife
“ I could no longer be her caregiver or responsible for her care .”
They are ignoring this statement .
You feel done…..then tell all of them you are done . That you will not manage her health in any way . They will have to do it and will have to find rides for her . Whether your mother seeks out treatment for her cancer or not, she will need more physical help either from chemo knocking her down or the disease itself.
Your brother chose to take this on rather than place Mom in LTCF . That’s his problem .
You have been a servant way too long .
You are to be commended for taking care of Mom for so many years.
You mentioned you are 50 and you sacrificed your younger years and it is time you take care of yourself.
Unapologetic selfishness which really is self preservation or starting putting yourself first.
Your Mom sounds similar to mine . I’m going to give you a shield to keep if you need it.
If your Mom blows her gasket at you and blames you for her illness , unhappiness , disabilities etc , like mine did. ( My mother blamed me for all her problems when she needed more care than I could do at home and I had to place her ) .
You say “ I’m sorry Mom , but I didn’t make you old and I can’t fix old “.
This came out of my mouth in sheer desperation. When I said it , it was like I was hearing someone else in the room say it. I don’t know where in my brain it came from as it was so sudden, I didn’t recognize the thought. If that makes any sense. Mom was stopped in her tracks .
Going forward I used that shield sparingly so as not to lose its effectiveness.
This is brilliant!
Guilt is a self imposed emotion that serves no purpose, it will keep you stuck.
You have given her too much of your life as it is, STOP. You are an adult, you are her equal, no longer a child who has to what she wants.
What you brother and she expects should not influence you. NO is a complete statement.
Do what is best for your family, don't cave to their demands, you will never be appreciated so give up that mindset.
Sending support your way.
When my mother pulled the "I'm going to jump out the window and kill myself routine" with me, I'd remind her she lived in the first floor of the building and a jump wouldn't do the job. She'd have to climb to the roof and jump to do herself in. When I was a scared little kid she could upset me and make me cry with those threats, but not as an old lady having heard that tired B.S. for decades. The gig is up ma. As it is with your Drama Queen of a mother. If she wants to live with the Golden Child, then HE gets to do ALL THE GRUNT WORK just like you've done for 2 decades because you are finito. Enough is enough already.
Check out the great article which has been super helpful for me over the years:
https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/
25 Signs of a Passive-aggressive Covert Narcissist. We throw that narcissist word around here a lot but MANY mother's exhibit LOTS of the traits associated with narcs.
Grow a backbone soon or break your back caring for this woman in your later years. You won't make her happy no matter what you do, so what's the point? That's what I realized long long ago and had my parents placed in Assisted Living when the time came. Mom lived to 95+ and wound up in Memory Care with advanced dementia and even MORE foul than ever before. But I didn't have to deal with her 24/7 thank God
Best of luck to you
After each episode she would always say “ Don’t you dare tell your father “.
why do we think that once a very difficult person suddenly dies that we should instantly switch to grief? I had a horrible uncle--just a complete waste of carbon.
He worked in education, and probably touched thousands of kids' lives over the 50 years he was in education.
His funeral had >25 people there, and that was including the people from the funeral home. His kids, no grandkids present. My mom (his SIL, whom he hated) and me, b/c mom wanted to go to the funeral.
It was so sad and such a grim reminder to me to live a life that people will miss--most of all-- a life that made a difference.
We're SUPPOSED to grieve a loss--but honestly, it's not always a loss. Sometimes it's a huge blessing. Then those left behind have to deal with conflicting emotions.
I already know that when my MIL goes, I will weep from sheer exhaustion and for joy for my DH to be able to hopefully find some joy.
Take care of yourself, and if you find that too hard to do alone, please get some counseling.
((Hugs))