Does anyone else have the angry, demented senior?
I am in my third year of caregiving and just turned 59 (so I had to update my user name. My dad's health is worse, he obviously has dementia. He is having problems thought processing and the short term memory is going, going. . .not completely gone but on it's way. I do not use the "D" word with him, when he makes comments like "I'm losing my mind," or "I'm going crazy," I usually reply, "You're mind is getting a little slow." He has now announced that I am trying to make him believe he is "nuts" (not my word, that is what he calls people with dementia/Alzheimer's.) Continuous pressure sores on his bottom he will not change position or get up, gets upset if I remind him. Have I mentioned he is 6' 4" and almost 300 lbs? I can't move him. I am tired of the negativity around my home, people have even said there is a negative vibe here. So I make sure he is fed, takes his pills, is dressed and then go about my day. I no longer get bugged if he wants to spend half the day at the kitchen table, not worth arguing about, I go about my chores and check in to make sure he is not on the floor. More often than not, there is little conversation. Getting me angry is a control device for my dad, I finally told him I am not afraid of him anymore (that only took about 40 years!) I felt new, empowered. I respect him because he is my parent, but he demands it. We call him King Farouk!! I wish he could respect me. Does anyone else have the angry, demented senior? I have heard there are happy ones out there. Thanks for listening to me, sorry to complain but sometimes, you gotta get it out. Is this just me?????????????
The ones that worked with my highly confrontational, aggressive, and beligerent mother were things that might get her benefits or money.
I got some compliance out of her for doctor visits because "they were necessary to make sure she was getting all her benefits and not missing anything".
You can promise a reward at the end.
At some point, the person's unwillingness to cooperate will be their downfall - and yours. You do NOT want social services to get you on a charge of negligence. There is precedent for this in the courts. I will have to look for the case, but a few years ago in one of the US Southern states, adult children were convicted of abuse & neglect despite the fact their mother was a mean, controlling, loud, abusive woman. The mother had not moved off the sofa in years, toileting on it, a spring had come loose and gone into her leg. She was demented, and had a host of other problems because of this. She had her adult children totally cowed their whole lives long. Their excuse was they had been brought up to mind their elders, and that they were afraid of the woman. The judge ripped them both a new "vent-hole" for not having better sense.
My fear of the law was bigger than my fear of my mother's outbursts and behaviors if I took control.
They are only in the power position if you let them be. Expect cussing, swearing, lashing out, names, probably a physical struggle.
Get a social worker to help you get on top of the situation at home. They will come into the home and take an assessment. You will definitely need in-home assistance and possibly transportation service to get Dad to the doctor's visit he so desperately needs. Health insurance and medicare will probably cover some of the cost, if not all. It can be done, but it will take some planning on your part to get things in motion.
I have a Roho cushion for his bottom, no matter how good it gets, he won't move around. Dad has been in the chair since 1996 when he had the heart attack, he never went back to his bed. So, it is hard now because even a doctor visit where he must lay down is a pain. He does keep a little pocket calendar, I have offered a big calendar and clipboard, no use. I keep a big one one fridge, everyone can see it and his appointments are highlighted. I think you are right, just the progress of the disease.
I agree with your approach with the D word. It does no good and just makes them more anxious -- they can tell they are "losing it" and it is very scary for them and for you as a caregiver. When my mom first was diagnosed and isolating herself or trying to hide it from her then friends, she was angry, paranoid and mean spirited. It cost her family and friends. I got mad and angry with her too, but am not her full time caregiver. I have taught myself patience and to let go. I can't change her and I can't make dementia go away. For awhile, she accused me of "gas lighting her" whenever she forgot something, or thought I did something she didn't like or tried to correct her. It angered me because I'm the only one left who even cares about her. But I've learned to love her thru this, forgive the accusations and don't take personally. I'm not successful all the time but I forgive myself and step out for a time out when things get heated.
You are wonderful and dad may not say it, but I think he knows the score and appreciates your care and sticking by him even if he won't show it. Try to be as rested as you can, let go of the small stuff. Try to get some in home care or assistance, a companion or other to take dad out to lunch or to a museum or for an outing a couple mornings or afternoons a week. Hire a cleaning service for once every two weeks or once a month to give yourself a break. Don't hesitate to ask a friend or neighbor to come over and sit with him so you can go shopping by yourself or to the library or for a walk by yourself.
Lastly, start thinking about the future for dad. Do you have finances to hire in home care as this progresses? memory care? Nursing home? What does dad want or can afford? Is there other family to involve, consider?
"Borderline diabetic" sounds like maybe an understatement - if that hemoglobin A1c is high, chronically, it is very bad for the brain and the skin because the microcirculation goes bad. I hope you can convince him to go in and get his diabetic care optimally tuned up and maybe at the same time his doc could do just the mini-cog or some short objective mental status test unobtrusively. People underestimate diabetes because it is so common, but over time it can be a thoroughly devastating disease.
That said, funny story for me (now) - we had an incident where my hubby very utterly STUPIDLY insisted on making a stop that I and everyone else in the car just knew would make us late, and said so, for something that meant a great deal to me...to us, really. And it did. And when the dealine passed and we were still a half hour away, I absolutely fumed at the stony silence/pretending it did not matter that we got from him. I was told that the silence, from a guy point of view, should be interpreted as an apology as that was the only style of apology a macho "guy" could allow for. It was apparently true, I think he told me something that indicated he knew he screwed up big time about a year later.
Is he diabetic too?
Big sigh. You obviously can no longer expect him to be reasonable, and setting limits is hard to say the least but you are trying and that may be all you can do. What is going on now at your place is a recipe for disaster too, though!!
Sometimes I look at her on the other side of the room ...........and wonder how it happened that she is sitting there in place of my wonderful husband. :(
So I understand.
This is just my opinion, but this situation is not healthy for either of you. It sounds like he is not getting the care and activity programming someone in his situation requires. How can he? You are not trained or equipped for that. Have you considered long term care residence for him?
Cognitively, conversation becomes quite difficult for lots of reasons depending on what is causing the cognitive impairment. The anger becomes worse. Soon it's all there is unless something different happens.
Ask yourself what value there is in having your home be your sanctuary, the safe place you can land at the end of a day and recharge. How can it be that if dad is there all the time, requiring something 24/7?
Get dad seen by a geriatric professional, even a neuro-psych evaluation, full scans and bloodwork to figure out what's going on inside him. Then you can plan for the future.