Mom died last week in her bed at home. She had always told me she never wanted to be put in a nursing home or to be put on life support when the time was near. I lived with her for 22 years and her life had become my life, and I never had any help from siblings or grandchildren in all of that time.
Going through her personal belongings, I found a journal she started last year. She wrote how miserable she was and had no one to talk to. She wrote that she wished she could go to a nursing home where someone would listen to her. She wrote that she was afraid to complain to me because I might get angry with her. Her last written words were, "Paid in Full."
At first I was surprised by her writings, and I felt guilty that I did not do enough and did not see enough. After a few days, I became angry with her for blaming me for being unhappy when she never told me how she felt. She had the money for a nursing home, so that is no excuse. I feel set up. I feel angry. Now all the arrangements are my responsibility, but I don't feel very loving toward her at all for the moment.
How should I deal with this dilemma? How do I respect her and still take care of my own mental health at this time?
I have told others on Forum that as an RN I so often heard my elder patients say that they "could not talk to family" about their wishes to exit this mortal life. They said their families would start their "no no no no"s before the words got out their mouths. So they told total strangers about their depression; in your mom's case she told some blank pages. My patients KNEW it was about love. But they felt angry they had to hide their truth.
When we are old and tired and worn down and "over it" sometimes we get depressed at the loss upon loss we suffer and no upside coming. Not like we can grow out of it, is it? And that depression often manifests as anger.
I will say this to you, forgotten. Think of all the times you kept a diary if you ever did. WHEN did you write in it? When you were angry or depressed, I would bet. When you hated your parents or your boyfriend or your girlfriends.
We don't record the good times. I've no idea why. And I would bet this is the case with most everyone.
I think it is TRAGIC that this is what your Mom left you after all the care and love you gave. But I would ask you to burn the danged thing and to know that those pages of anguish, of helplessness, of hopelessness WAS NOT THE WHOLE OF YOUR MOM, nor of her love for YOU.
I would be devastated by finding this. I would hope I wouldn't read it, but we are curious animals. If you need help combing this out see a Licensed Social Worker in private counseling practice for a few hours.
And again, this breaks my heart for you, but THIS wasn't the truth of yours and your Moms life. She suffered. She wanted a safe place to put it to wash it out of her heart. She didn't choose wisely. I think somewhere you know this.
I'm sorry you found that diary bc it does you no good at all. If your mother was truly miserable, it was of her own doing otherwise she'd have told you she wanted to move into a nursing home. Now you're The Bad Guy and she's "Paid in Full" whatever that means? 😑
My mother died at 95 and said so many hurtful things to me out loud those last few years. I had to leave her presence when the ugly ranting got started, to save myself basically. I was a good daughter to her and I know that in my heart, as you should too. THEIR shortcomings are not OUR fault or something we should bear the burdens of after they pass.
Get mom's final arrangements underway and over with asap so you can start living YOUR life now, as you see fit, w/o the specter of caregiving to deal with. You are the one who's "Paid in full" for all you've done for 2+ decades.
Anger is part of grief, but not this kind of anger which is justifiable under the circumstances. I hope you'll be able to let it go by living your best life now, free from the stress of caregiving.
Best of luck.
It’s normal to feel a range of emotions when we are grieving for our loved ones.
Time does have a way of healing our wounds. If nothing else, at least it numbs the confusion, anger and pain.
I find it so interesting how so many misunderstandings occur throughout our lives, especially with family members.
One person is thinking one thing, the other person assumes something totally out of left field. It can become very confusing for everyone.
It is so common to see people living their lives with uncertainty.
No one is a mind reader and I don’t even think that I would want to be able to read anyone’s mind.
I would rather focus more on my own life. You couldn’t possibly have known what your mother was thinking. Most likely she didn’t know what you were feeling either.
Family dynamics are so complex. So often, we find that people are unable to be their true selves around family members.
Some people tend to treat their family members worse than they treat others.
They wouldn’t dare behave this way with strangers because they know that a stranger wouldn’t put up with them. It’s very odd and difficult to understand at times.
Sounds like in her mind your only roll in life was to hold a servitude position in her life. A person like that always deflects on the scapegoat.
You have nothing to feel guilty about, you basically gave up 22 years of your life for her, only to be not appreciated. I feel bad for you.
She is gone, there is nothing to respect or love, let it go, work on you, go to therapy if needed.
My mother is still alive, age 98, I no longer speak to her, to me, she died 12 years ago, the best 12 years of my adult life.
Go ahead...........use her money to plan a luxury vacation and set yourself free!
Aloha!
Ask yourself: How many old people *actually* want to go to a nursing home? Most (rightly or wrongly--a topic for another day) say "kill me first."
You were caring for your mother at home and provided the safety net that allowed her to indulge in occasional fantasies of a better life in a nursing home. Also, in the modern world, being a paying consumer is what marks people as alive and possessing agency (that's where the idea of "retail therapy" comes from), so thinking about shopping for and selecting NH care (or some fantasy version of NH care conjured for journaling purposes) might also have been a way of feeling in control--a comforting feeling to explore in a journal.
Most people don't feel agentive, in control, listened-to, etc. in a nursing home. Your mom would have known that. Again, I see the journal as a space in which she tested out ideas. If she'd really wanted to be in a NH, you would have heard about it.
It's not your fault she was miserable. Most people are miserable. As Thoreau wrote, “The mass of men live lives of quiet desperation.”
Don't sweat the details of the arrangements. Maybe even dump them on one of those siblings if you want.
Then move on. Feel good about how you have lived your life, and start thinking about stuff you look forward to.
Isn’t it time now, for you to look after what you want and need, and let her be at rest?
Remember, you have NO REASON to experience guilt, but the “agent” of your anger is gone on, so there’s no real reason for the anger either.
I’m going to a bereavement group right now, and it might be soothing and calming for you to seek one out too.
“Grief”, I have learned, is a complex and confusing situation, and some training g in passing through it and getting to the other side can help you address all the feelings you’ve experienced and continue to experience.
If you’re interested in this idea, try a Google search for “bereavement counseling” and see what you can find.
Above all, please be a good friend to yourself. You deserve your own best for yourself, as you extended it to your mother. You’re not alone in feeling as you do, and there are many here who will encourage you.
You did not deserve this. I wish you all the best with working your way through this.