I'm sure in this forum someone has experienced or is experiencing what I am right now. I can’t even put into words how I feel right now. I feel mentally, emotionally & physically damaged. I am tired, sad, lonely all the time yet I have a partner.
I have been caring for my 73 yr. old Father for 4 months all the while maintaining the home, bills, working part time, handling all my Dad's affairs. I have zero support from my 5 siblings, who by the way are living rather posh lives. I’m not as fortunate. I don’t own a 4-5 bedroom beautiful home and can't afford to take lavish trips like them. I work part time because SSI just isn’t enough to live on. I barely am getting by. If it wasn’t for my partner, caring for my Dad the first 3 months we’d all be homeless, because I would've had to quit my job. Luckily, (which I hate this happened) my guy was not working due to an auto accident. When I say it's been an emotional roller coaster, that’s putting it lately. My Dad came unexpectedly! My siblings (4 of them) and I had 2 zooms to discuss his living arrangements as he was being evicted from a residence he had rented for over 10 years with a girlfriend. He was her Payee as she has a mental disorder. We knew she could no longer care for him as she couldn’t provide for what he needs. He just survived cancer and according to one sibling who refused to be a part of the zoom was the one who actually caused division amongst the siblings by a lot of false information and other chaos she likes to cause. She was the one who stated my Dad had Cancer, Brain tumor, Diabetes.
I Myself and my youngest were the ones who kept more in touch with our Dad. I called him a few times a week, the others maybe monthly. My Dad lived out of state. One sibling offered during the zoom to take Dad in said he had 5 bedrooms I thought that would be great! I agreed to aid him in finding care for Dad while he continued to work (as he was on break). During one zoom we disagreed about a procedure they wanted him to have. I was the only one who disagreed. They stated they wouldn’t deal with him if he didn’t have the procedure done and that they would consider putting him in a nursing home again I disagreed. Long story, short us disagreeing my Dad was picked up thinking he was going for a 2 week trip to my sibling home (which he did take him there for one day) to say he couldn’t live with him he changed his mind. Had another sibling drive to pick him up and drive him to my state, I received an email if I am taking him if not he's going into a facility which I knew my Dad would go downhill fast taking him abruptly from the only home he’s known, lying to him about where he's going, leaving behind all his things to bring him not to the sibling to live as he offered but to my too small nest were there's barely room for us. I wasn’t prepared. I asked the sibling bringing him (the call came 24 hrs before he’d be coming to me.) If he could allow him to stay with him overnight to have more time to prepare for him as I had no bed, tv, dresser, no space as the 2nd bedroom was used more as a storage/ makeup room. He refused stating his wife’s friend was visiting he didn't have room for him to stay. The sibling that brought him paid for a mattress I found and provided an old tv he had in his garage also purchase a few items of clothing since he rarely packed anything for this permanent trip. This was done so carelessly amongst my siblings they left all his things that mattered, didn't allow him to say adequate goodbye to the young teen he raised since infancy or the girlfriend, left his glasses, bank card. It was a big mess that I was left to clean up. I haven’t been contacted by them since he was dropped off at my home. No support in any fashion. I have put my health on the back burner to deal with my Father. It was so much to do from paperwork to appts to get him where he is now, in daycare with a home health aide, but I have no life. I can barely sleep, my guy and I barely exist no time for us.
I fail to understand why your Father is not in Extended Care Facility. It seems that you have much to full a plate to take this on.
Your siblings have made it clear that they will not be helping beyond what they HAVE helped.
You say that had you allowed your sibling to place your father in care he would have "gone downhill fast". Why do you believe that an untenable situation in your own home, already full of stessors, would be better?
It does sound as though this situation was absolutely full of chaos. What are your immediate plans now?
Would your household accomodate your father staying with you?
What plans have you for your Father to contribute to your household. I am assuming he has some resources, and at the least Social Security. I would attend an elder law attorney to make certain paperwork is in place for POA and for a care contract, rental, shopping money, money to care, and etc.
So sorry you have landed here. There may be no alternative other than placement.
Blessings to everyone
It appears from what you say that there are several very good reasons why your dad would benefit from ‘round the clock care, and fact is NO ONE can predict the future. My mom had severe agoraphobia before we chose to place her, and actually bloomed both socially and physically in her residential setting.
Your siblings made their choices, but DO NOT have the right to make YOURS.
What a relief to see your update below my comment. You have made the right moves!
You did it and you did a great job at it. So proud of you and happy for you.
Whatever you do don't give in to removing Dad from his care now. That would mean disaster in your home again.
Thanks so much for updating us.
To others: This is a post from very early April. The OP has done a remarkable job handling what is really a stressful situation. The update is below my old comment.