My husband is 80 years old and is an alcoholic. His drinking got completely out of control and I moved out for two weeks in May until he would go into residential treatment. Unfortunately, after four months of sobriety, his dementia did not clear up at all. He is now in a memory care center and desperate to come home. He has been at the memory care since the first of October. The first week he was there he asked for some wine that he saw another resident getting. Neither one of them knew it was non-alcoholic, but it showed me that he would immediately go back to his drinking if he came home. Does anybody have any experience with alcoholism and dementia? If the alcohol is more not an issue, he could definitely be at home.
Someone with full cognition in recovery may have made a different choice if they were utilizing the skills they learned in rehab. But he likely forgot those due to the memory impairment. Of course he is desparate to return home where he will likely resume drinking and his dementia will progress. Even in dementia, alcoholics will still revert to ingrained manipulative behaviors to obtain their alcohol. He was accepted into memory care for a reason and he is best left there. If he is 80, how old are you? At this point in life if you have been married to an alcoholic for awhile you deserve some peace and freedom from his addiction to alcohol. You've got the opportunity for that now. No matter how much he begs and pleads and tries to convince you that he has been misplaced there, stand strong and let yourself have a life.
Cut back the visits to holidays instead. All you can do is protect yourself at this point.
You didn't cause this, can't fix it....and your moral obligation is to keep him safe. I'm sorry you are in this situation.
He was diagnosed with stage three lung cancer. Stopping the drinking will not get rid of the dementia that probably caused it in the first place. Wernicke Korsakoff is alcoholic induced dementia.
And I will say this to you. The alcoholic will do ANYTHING to get the alcohol; my brother's partner left his ALF over and over to do so. He was finally wearing the police supplied bracelet to keep him on premises and there was gathering mouthwash from everywhere to drink it. It is an easy drunk, and a cheap drunk, and very tough on the brain, so every substitute he found for alcholol (Kitty Dukakis admitted to using hair spray) was dangerous and took him father down.
It was pretty awful.
For yourself, and you are the only one over which you have control I strongly suggest Al Anon. I would imagine in all this long time you have already tried it. If not, that's a shame. If so, go back and never stop going again.
You cannot do anything about any of this.
But you CAN make a decent life for yourself.
I am so sorry.
I feel that the trauma of attempting to care for his partner through this period of time took my brother down and out with more certainty. I recognize it was his choice. I hope you don't make that choice for your own life.
I fear it is too late for hubby. But not for you.
Don't release him from his facility. My Dad started drinking immediately upon being released from his rehab facility.
Please see a certified elder care attorney. Make sure you are handling things in a way that will protect your future if you have not done so. This is not a temporary situation.
Not only will your Dh want to drink but being around familiar people, places and things will be difficult for him and will tempt him over and over. He will not be in a safe environment. There is no safe environment. That adds an extra layer of stress for the both of you. His dementia will increase in time and perhaps his desire to go home will lessen.
Your own anxiety needs attention. The meetings Alva suggested can offer you insight. You can attend a meeting before going to see DH and see if that helps you be at peace with the decision you have had to make.
Welcome to the forum.