WAECare Asked June 2018
Any advice on how to reduce stress of anticipated patient’s death?
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As a caregiver and advocate for my mother, the topic of her death comes up and causes me internal stress. She ask when do you think I will die? I have to estimate her death to plan and assure financial arrangements are in place to care for her. I trust the Lord to give us peace but would appreciate any advice on how to reduce the stress of inevitable death of my mother.
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Knowing that someone is close to the end of their life is stressful. But we are all going to die. In almost every married couple, one will die before the other. The natural process is for parents to die before their children. It is especially sad when children die first.
Is the stress interfering with your daily functioning? If so, I suggest you talk about it with a professional listener, such as a therapist, a grief counselor, a hospice social worker, etc.
Otherwise, recognize that stress is part of life. You'll get through this.
If Mom is coherent and wants to talk about dying, give her a chance if you can tolerate it. What does she think will happen when she dies? Is there any part of the process she is afraid of? For many of us, it is not death itself we fear, it is the possibility of pain. You can assure her you will do everything possible to minimize any pain she may have when the time comes.
I highly recommend "Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters in the End" by Atul Gawande.
Try not to consume yourself with thoughts of her death. Enjoy the time she has left. Are you discussing your “estimating her death” with her and that’s why she’s asking you when she will pass? Don’t. That’s depressing for both of you. Do what you need to do. Budgeting for her care shouldn’t take that long. She has what she has financially. Apply for Medicaid if necessary. Consider pre-paying for burial arrangements. This should not be a process that takes weeks and weeks. Consult a financial advisor for help if needs be. And enjoy your mom while she’s still here. My mom, suffering from dementia, left me mentally 3 years before she left physically. I regret not spending more time with her while she was still “here”.
They become tired, their bodies become weak, they feel they are useless and good for nothing, etc.. but we as their children must made them comfortable and get them to remember the good time when they could do this or that, that usually works and get a laugh out of them. :) However, as far as financial arrangement, nursing homes, etc..You can prepare for that, get information so when the time does come you will already know where and the cost of everything.. If she is getting any type of income, pension, social security whatever, they will attach that for her care in the nursing home. hope this helps a little :)