My 85 yr old mom lives with me and my fiance and her health is pretty good. She has her mind & she drives. But she doesn't help out financially which is ok to a point. We don't expect her to pay rent, but she could easily contribute, she has only 4 bills the highest being $200. But she receives quite a bit of monthly income due to my dad's pension so she's always broke or if I ask her to help me with my medication s she's broke. The thing of it is she gives her money to her love scammer so when she has no money for half month she will use our stuff and not worry when she could have money all time. She can't afford nothing. She changes banks frequently too. She's in denial & when I ask her she gets mad & says it's noone business, but it is if she's gonna give her money to a scammer when she could contribute to our household. She's been doing this for 12 years!! My fiance has taken her on vacation with us paid for hotels and her dinners etc. Fixes her car when needed. So she sits on her bed all day doing crosswords b/c she has no gas or money. It's crazy! She's smart but yet clueless!!! I'm at my wits end!
Have her pay a third of every household bill, including rent.
Let her get mad or whatever, pay up or move on freeloader.
What do you mean, about her helping you with your medication?
What on earth does your fiance think of all this?
What do you know about the scammer she gives her money to?
I suppose that you and fiance are now getting to the stage where you're thinking about retirement and making plans for that. This could be your opportunity to tell your mother that there are changes ahead and there needs to be a serious discussion about money and living arrangements.
Be prepared for the possibility that there are some unpleasant discoveries in store. She might have got herself into debt, or involved with some very iffy people engaged in heaven knows what activities. She may have been conned into unwise "investments." She may be feeling stupid and panic-stricken about it. Be gentle and understanding, but firm about the need for disclosure. What can't go on is that a woman with a decent income and zero living expenses to speak of finds herself impoverished and wholly dependent on people who have their own pensions to fund.
By allowing this, she has been denied the opportunity to learn from her financial mistakes.
Family money issues ARE awkward. Wrapped up in family obligation/care etc - hence the sweeping under the carpet for years - no judgement. Let's look at what CAN be done moving forward. Never to late to change lanes!
Steel yourself.
Have a Real Chat with Mom.
Time for Mom to contribute financially to her living situation. This means rent + bill share. Starting now.
The free living was a gift.
That gift has now expired & being replaced by a fairer system. A respectful system that works for ALL (not just Mom).
This has other benefits you don't need to tell her about;
* May reduces her ability to spend inappropriately.
* Gives you a clearer picture of her financial capability.
If you find Mom is not willing, present her with the choice to move out & fully fund her life.
If Mom agrees but does not pay, cannot prioritise her commitments over 'fun' spending, suggest she set funds aside on pension day. Help her set up regular automatic banking payments to do this.
Are there any reasons/barriers to Mom being able to learn to be responsible financially? Eg substances, gambling, cognition/memory issues?
Do you work? If so, what's going to happen when Mama isn't doing so well physically. Will you and fiance be paying for caregivers, or is the plan that YOU become the caregiver?
I wouldn't like any of this one bit, if I were the fiance. I like the idea that she moves in with her love interest scammer.
When's the wedding? I hope it's before she declines physically, or she will be coming on your honeymoon.
Stop enabling her, there is no reason to do this and you are not helping her you are a crutch.
If she resists she has 60 days to find a new place to live, perhaps with her boyfriend. Take a stand, you are doing this to yourself, time to stand up for yourself and stop being taken advantage of.
Now, you do not have to use it. Put in a bank account separate from yours. She may need that money later in life because of this scammer. You, of course can use it for your meds or anything you want. I did this with my daughter when I babysat my grandson. I had her pay me $100 a week. She and her DH both worked but saved no money. So I did it for them, after 18 months, I had over 6k in an acct set aside for this. He then started Daycare. When they wanted to do Universal for his 5th birthday, the money was there and we all took the trip together.
DEAR ABBY: When my husband's mother came to live with my husband and me 23 years ago, she made our lives so miserable I vowed I would never bring such misery to my children if I ever had to live with them. One day, I wrote myself a letter containing some rules. I put it in an envelope marked, "To be opened on the day I go to live with one of my children" -- then I put it away.
I've been widowed and self-sufficient for eight years, but I was recently forced to give up my job and move in with my daughter. I'm submitting that letter. Perhaps your older readers might benefit from it, as I intend to. Here are the rules:
-- Give what you can toward your keep. Any budget will stretch just so far.
-- Keep yourself clean and neat. Fresh undies and daily baths are a must.
-- Remember, it is their home. Give them privacy at every opportunity.
-- Try to make your own friends and develop interests outside the home.
-- If you suspect they would like to go away on a vacation but are hesitant because of you, offer to visit another relative or friend so they will be free to go.
-- Don't offer any advice or express any opinion on family matters unless asked.
-- Volunteer information that they might be too embarrassed to ask for, such as arrangements for your burial, hospitalization, etc.
These rules were written more than 22 years ago. I read them often and am determined to keep them. -- 76 AND HOLDING
She should be contributing to food costs as well.
You should be paying for your own medication. She pays for hers.
If her mind is good as you say and she drives it is time for a meeting of minds. And some rule setting. (this should have been done BEFORE she moved in)
She pays fair portion of the rent or mortgage. (If there are 3 people living in the home then rent or mortgage gets split 3 ways. 4 people split in 4)
She pays for any and all of her costs on vacation and tell you the truth she should not be going on all your vacations you need time with your husband.
Hate to say it she is not clueless as you say...she knows what she is doing.
She either abides by the rules or you can begin looking for Independent Living or Assisted Living facilities for her, narrow it down and she can chose, or she can pick her own. Or find a small apartment or condo she can afford.