Good morning. I work full-time at a demanding job. I’m a caregiver to my husband who is dealing with pancreatic cancer and can’t work. I’m also helping my mom take care of my dad who has mental issues and can’t remember how to take care of his colostomy bag. My mother got home health to come out a few times but ended up stopping the service. She didn’t like their job performance and having strangers in their house and refuses to get help again. My own health and job performance are suffering.
Perhaps it's time for dad to be in a facility. Your first priority is your ill husband.
If you stretch yourself too thin and become ill, your husband will be without support.
Mom needs to accept that there needs to be a plan other than you for Dad's care. Do NOT give up your job.
If things go wrong, call APS. Father is at risk.
First comes your Mom and Dad. Your Mom and you need a good sitdown and you need to tell her that you already have too much on your plate, and you are sorry but you cannot participate in care of Dad. She can keep/hire caregivers, or, unfortunately, Dad may need to enter care. But you can't do it.
It is, unfortunately, time for somewhat brutal honesty. There is no way around that.
You may need family need dependent on your husband's needs ongoing, and on your own ability to have care coming in for him.
I am so sorry. This is a lot to deal with. I am hoping there is some other family or friend support.
Mom is responsible for Dad. You are responsible for your husband and work, that I am assuming you can't quit because ur the bread winner at this point. If your Mom can afford an aide or can get in home back in, then thats what she needs to do. Your no longer an option. You should be spending all ur free time with your husband.
My parents didn’t listen either, their planning for their elder years is an epic fail. They fought having outside help for a long time but once it was in place, they were glad for it.
They can really help. The thing we have to all remember is that our health care system has resources available for the 65 and older group that younger people don’t always have access to.
Here are links to some good conversation starters and worksheets that might help you with some of the tough topics you need to cover with your family members.
https://theconversationproject.org/
https://eldercare.acl.gov/Public/Resources/Brochures/docs/Conversations.pdf
I am so sorry that your husband is dealing with cancer. Big hugs to you and take care during this stressful time in your life.
Come here and let us know what you need help with, we care.
Thanks for the further information. How often and for how long are you going next door to help your mother? What are you doing when you are over there? What's going to happen when your mother is no longer able to get your father bathed, dressed, and toileted? I suspect that your mother will want you to quit your job.
DO NOT DO THAT.
Are you the only family? Are there siblings elsewhere?
As others have said, this cannot continue. Your H is your priority, not your parents. There IS help available to your parents; it is your mother's problem if she refuses to use it (home health).
Please keep us updated. If you devise a plan of action, we will be here to cheerlead you every step of the way.