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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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If she lives far away, how are you having to deal with her except by phone? If so, pick the day and time to call that suits you, and decide when to end the call if she starts getting toxic. That's what I used to do when my mother lived far away and I'd make that stomach ache producing weekly or biweekly call to hear the ranting and complaining. Then the folks moved 5 miles away from me for the next 10+ years and that's when the REAL problems started. Remember you're in control of the phone calls and how long they last. You don't have to accept verbal abuse so just beat a hasty retreat off the phone and be glad she's not living locally!
”Going no contact” is not only an option, but the ONLY option, I’d say, unless you are just lookin’ for misery and martyrdom. As for sainthood, it takes many years for the Church to canonize you, so I would not wait on that! But if you are just bound and determined to let her stay connected to you, then wait for HER to call you. When she does, and then starts in on her whining and kvetching (and she will), just hang up in the middle of one of YOUR sentences, not one of hers. She will think the phone just died, or something. Then, don’t answer when she calls right back. Give her a few days. When she does eventually reach you again, just gaslight her! Say, “Why did you hang up on me?”
Sound like too much trouble? Then…GO NO CONTACT. She will find someone else to bother! Self-centered people always do…
Why is going no contact not an option? Because you're afraid to set the necessary boundaries to have a more healthy relationship, or if needed no relationship at all? You don't tell us what if any issues(other than being narcissistic)your mother has, so I'm not sure why you're feeling the need to deal with her. Us children that were abused in any way by a parent, owe them NOTHING and I find it heartbreaking that often these abused children(now adults)feel that they do. There are times in life when it is more healthy to stay away then to try and be involved in someone's life even our parent(s). After forgiving both of my parents for years of abuse(yes my mother was a narcissist too) I had to for my own mental health's sake cut them out of my life, so I could move forward in a more healthy way. They are both dead now and I have no regrets. So please make sure that you're putting your mental health before anything or anyone else, including your mother.
You live far away. Certainly that is excuse enough.
Limit calls and texts with "We can communicate once a day only" and set time. Keep contact with cards, flower delivery, candy, whatever so this person feels thought of and cared for.
The limits and boundaries you set will be your own; if you stick to them they will work for you. Stop expecing happiness. Happiness is normally not the default setting on someone with narcissistic tendencies.
I think the more pressing question is why you think you can't go no contact. Obviously, you can. What's the benefit for you that you want to keep SOME communication open? Does it make you feel needed? Is there an inheritance at play? Don't get me wrong…if it's the latter, and your life would improve because of it, it might be worth it to stick it out (your call, of course). But you'll have to put in your limited time and hope she doesn't change her will.
Would love to hear why you don't think cutting her off is a move you want to take.
The ONLY way to deal with anyone who is narcissistic is to run as far away as you can from him/her. If you don’t then you will end up having to seek psychiatric help and taking psychotropic medications for depression.
The best thing for you to do to avoid her narcissism is to place her in an assisted-living facility or a nursing home and move on and enjoy YOUR life. Narcissistic people cannot show empathy or compassion, so do not expect this from her. You said going “no contact“ is not an option, but you can then visit her whenever you feel like visiting her in the assisted-living facility or nursing home and you can also call her a few times a week just to check on her. The key to surviving a narcissistic person is to have zero physical contact with him/her.
Good luck in finding peace and quiet in your life.
Control the communication, when the crap starts end the call “we’ll talk again when you’re feeling more positive, bye” Don’t accept any more responsibility than you want. Don’t explain or defend yourself, ever. End each call or visit by doing something you enjoy, that brings you peace
Except with the narcissists in my family, if I were to say anything like "we'll talk again when you're feeling more positive," that would come across as criticism, which would heat it up big time. Maybe that's not true in every case! My mom knew she was always being positive, and according to her she never had a negative thought in her life. (Baloney, she was a minefield of negativity.) I'd have had to end it after "We'll talk again" and just say "soon." Meaning never, maybe.
I'm voting for no contact. Or, if it will make you feel better, very very low contact, such as a 5 minute conversation with her twice a month.
With narcissists, they use every bit of info they can get to destroy you. Therefore, don't give them information. Tell her as little about your life, family and situation as possible. For five minutes twice a month, you can keep it about her. "Hi mom, how'd your visit to the doctor go yesterday?" Then she unloads on you about how she didn't want to go to the doctor and she hates the doctor and this is all your fault because you made the appointment. And you never call and you didn't bring her groceries and you never do anything for her and she doesn't like the neighbors because they spy on her. Then you say, "Oops, gotta go, love you," and bye bye mom. Notice - you do not give her a hook to hang any further complaints on you. You have not mentioned ONE THING about yourself. You have not complained. You act like the non-person she wants you to be.
Good luck, because I don't think you'll take this advice. But you should!
My question is if you live far away and really can't do anything, why is going no contact not possible.
You set the boundaries not her. Yes, she will try to cross them but you stand ur ground. If she calls constantly, block her. Her calls may go to VM. Listen, delete and call if its something important. And when she starts up, tell her until she gives u the respect she expects from you, you will not be listening to her tirades, you will hang up everytime. Warn her once, after that, just hang up.
Your Mom needs you more than u need her and she needs to know this. Your in the driver seat. She does not control you anymore. She is lucky u do anything for her because like everyone said...you need to complete no contact with a Narcissist. Your Moms brain is not wired correctly. She does not care about what anyone else needs or wants, its all about her and her needs. Do not ever expect to hear the words "I love you" because they don't know what that means. And if they happen to use it, its because they are trying to manipulate u.
I get from ur replies that "not being able to go no contact" is because you want to be a better person than your Mother. She is now Old and needs some kind of help. I see where you are coming from. Thats OK but to be able to do for Mom and not lose yourself, you must set boundaries for yourself and don't allow her to cross them.
Boundaries is a book by Townsend and Cloud. Its Christain based. The one thing my daughter got out of it was...
When saying the word NO, your are not responsible for ythe reaction you get.
Your allowed to say No. I would never live with your Mom or have her live with you. I would keep her at a distance.
Please, come back and update us on ur journey. We learn from others. And know, you are not the only person with a parent like this. There are lots of people on the forum in the same boat.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Sound like too much trouble? Then…GO NO CONTACT. She will find someone else to bother! Self-centered people always do…
You don't tell us what if any issues(other than being narcissistic)your mother has, so I'm not sure why you're feeling the need to deal with her.
Us children that were abused in any way by a parent, owe them NOTHING and I find it heartbreaking that often these abused children(now adults)feel that they do.
There are times in life when it is more healthy to stay away then to try and be involved in someone's life even our parent(s).
After forgiving both of my parents for years of abuse(yes my mother was a narcissist too) I had to for my own mental health's sake cut them out of my life, so I could move forward in a more healthy way.
They are both dead now and I have no regrets. So please make sure that you're putting your mental health before anything or anyone else, including your mother.
Certainly that is excuse enough.
Limit calls and texts with "We can communicate once a day only" and set time.
Keep contact with cards, flower delivery, candy, whatever so this person feels thought of and cared for.
The limits and boundaries you set will be your own; if you stick to them they will work for you. Stop expecing happiness. Happiness is normally not the default setting on someone with narcissistic tendencies.
Would love to hear why you don't think cutting her off is a move you want to take.
The best thing for you to do to avoid her narcissism is to place her in an assisted-living facility or a nursing home and move on and enjoy YOUR life. Narcissistic people cannot show empathy or compassion, so do not expect this from her. You said going “no contact“ is not an option, but you can then visit her whenever you feel like visiting her in the assisted-living facility or nursing home and you can also call her a few times a week just to check on her. The key to surviving a narcissistic person is to have zero physical contact with him/her.
Good luck in finding peace and quiet in your life.
With narcissists, they use every bit of info they can get to destroy you. Therefore, don't give them information. Tell her as little about your life, family and situation as possible. For five minutes twice a month, you can keep it about her. "Hi mom, how'd your visit to the doctor go yesterday?" Then she unloads on you about how she didn't want to go to the doctor and she hates the doctor and this is all your fault because you made the appointment. And you never call and you didn't bring her groceries and you never do anything for her and she doesn't like the neighbors because they spy on her. Then you say, "Oops, gotta go, love you," and bye bye mom. Notice - you do not give her a hook to hang any further complaints on you. You have not mentioned ONE THING about yourself. You have not complained. You act like the non-person she wants you to be.
Good luck, because I don't think you'll take this advice. But you should!
You set the boundaries not her. Yes, she will try to cross them but you stand ur ground. If she calls constantly, block her. Her calls may go to VM. Listen, delete and call if its something important. And when she starts up, tell her until she gives u the respect she expects from you, you will not be listening to her tirades, you will hang up everytime. Warn her once, after that, just hang up.
Your Mom needs you more than u need her and she needs to know this. Your in the driver seat. She does not control you anymore. She is lucky u do anything for her because like everyone said...you need to complete no contact with a Narcissist. Your Moms brain is not wired correctly. She does not care about what anyone else needs or wants, its all about her and her needs. Do not ever expect to hear the words "I love you" because they don't know what that means. And if they happen to use it, its because they are trying to manipulate u.
Boundaries is a book by Townsend and Cloud. Its Christain based. The one thing my daughter got out of it was...
When saying the word NO, your are not responsible for ythe reaction you get.
Your allowed to say No. I would never live with your Mom or have her live with you. I would keep her at a distance.
Please, come back and update us on ur journey. We learn from others. And know, you are not the only person with a parent like this. There are lots of people on the forum in the same boat.