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I wouldn't do it, if you are the one who wants to go then put your mother in respite for the time that you are gone.
Travelling overseas is very stressful, believe me I know, as I go to Europe every year, age 76, no dementia, good physical health, and it wears me out.
There is no way I would consider doing it with someone who has dementia.
I wanna go to Rome as well! I would never attempt to travel that far with a person with dementia. First..the logistics getting through the airport and then the 9 hour flight (I am taking that from Chicago to Rome) and that is JUST the flight. Not the travel to the airport and the 2 to 3 hours that you are supposed to be there in advance of your flight. You say you are exhausted now! What happens if all goes well and you are ready to board and she wants to go home? What happens if she starts making a "fuss" ON the flight? What happens when you arrive and she wants to go home?
Try this. Book a hotel room for the weekend. Drive her around for 2 hours (Holland Michigan should be pretty this time of year) . See how she does at rest stops, in the hotel and walking around for an hour or so doing some sight seeing.
Next take her into the city for lots of noise, confusion, traffic, people and again a lot of walking. The trip to the city could be done on the train and see how she does. I am guessing if you do one of these you will find that travel with someone with dementia is not easy, not fun and not relaxing.
Place mom in Respite and take a trip you want to enjoy with your family or just by yourself.
Traveling with a demented elder to the flushing toilet in their own home is an ordeal. Try doing it on a trans-Atlantic flight. What happens if mom has an "accident" on the plane? How do you take care of that? Have you seen an airplane bathroom? How do you deal with the meltdown mid-flight when she gets confused and wants to go home? Of course you could medicate her, but then say she gets loopy and lethargic. How do you get her off the plane then? I'm assuming since it's Rome, you'll be flying into Fumicino airport. I've been through that airport multiple times. You do not want to be there with all your belongings and an elder wth dementia just getting off an international flight. If you want to go to Italy with your family I would recommend it a thousand times over. It's the most beautiful and romantic country in the world (I'm Italian so maybe I'm being a little biased LOL). Please go to Italy, but put your mother in respite care for the amout of time you go. Put her in respite care and go for a couple of weeks. Don't even rush and try to fit everything in going only for one week. Put her in memory care for respite. Communicate with them while you're away. Ask a friend or family member to go and check up on her daily if possible. Hire a private aide to spend the day or night with her that's an affordable possibility for you. Just don't take her on the trip. If you decide you're going to try, all I can say is 'Buona Fortuna' (Good Luck) because you're gonna need it.
I just read the list of problems that your mother has , that you listed on your profile. This trip would be a huge undertaking with the incontinence, stroke , anxiety , mobility problems , and sleep disorder let alone the Alzheimer’s .
It “ seems to stressful and overwhelming “, because it would be just that .
My FIL also wants us to take him traveling . Not happening . We can just about handle a dinner to a local restaurant and back again. He thinks he can handle more than he actually can . He would get too exhausted to handle a trip .
I suspect that your mother does not realize her limitations as well and does not realize how exhausting it would be for you .
We all want to go places . We don’t always get what we want . I don’t understand why my FIL thinks we have to take him traveling . He wants to go on a cruise. I never asked him to take me anywhere. My FIL never offered to take me on a trip . He never dragged around any elderly people with him on his many trips he took . I don’t know why it would be expected of us to take a very frail person on a trip that we would not enjoy . He’s very entitled .
You just answered your own question. He expects the two of you to take him on vacations because he beleibes he's entitled. That you owe him. You don't.
First, imagine what it would be like taking a toddler to Rome. Imagine the toddler screaming on the plane, not sitting still, throwing a tantrum in the airport, in the taxi, at check-in at the hotel, at the restaurant. Imagine the looks you will get from others around you. Now imagine that instead of a toddler it's a fully grown adult, having adult-sized "accidents", feeling confused, acting unpredictably, strong enough to hurt you if overwhelmed and acting out, and you can't calm her down because there is no reasoning with a broken brain.
It's nothing like traveling with a toddler. If a toddler doesn't feel like moving you can pick them up and carry them. They can be secured into a stroller too. Sure, they may cry, scream, and throw a tantrum but they're going where you bring them. Also, you can give a toddler special medication to make them tired. The pediatrician can tell a parent what works best. When you're traveling with a full-grown adult, it's different. I've had dementia clients who if they didn't feel like walking anymore would simply take a seat. On the floor of a store or public restroom, In a parking lot. You can't just pick them up like a toddler and force them into the car. I had this happen. This was in the days before cellphones. The client just decided to sit down in the parking lot and refused to get back up. Lucky for me one of the store employees called the police to come and assist. I couldn't call because the client had dementia and couldn't be left alone. Truly, I should have just left her with the cops and drove off, but I needed the job. I couldn't get her up though. With a toddler you can. Not the same thing at all.
DON'T DO IT!!! You are correct that it would be stressful and overwhelming. Instead, why don't you take her on a virtual tour of Rome using a virtual reality headset? Sounds like a win win to me all the way around.
My initial reaction is: Good God no! But if you feel you can handle this, why not give travel a "short run" experience. Try planning a short overnight or weekend trip to a nearby location. See what it's like to pack for her and yourself, plan the meds, incontinence supplies, etc. Then plan a couple of hour drive to your location, see how she handles the car trip and then gauge how she (and you) handle(s) the hotel stay and eating out. Both of you may have a change of mind after the trip.
Don't take anything like this seriously with a person suffering from a Dementia. Probably saw something on TV and now wants to go. Ignore it. You cannot possibly do this with a person that needs the care Mom does. Tell her "not this year, have to save up the money, trip like this is very expensive".
I flew from Alaska to the States last Summer. COVID restrictions were still in effect. So masks needed and COVID tests needed before the trip. Returning was a nightmare. Plane canceled. 10 hr wait in Toronto. Walking everywhere because of the time of night. And seems it hasn't got better. Alva's daughter flying to New Orleans, plane canceled said 2 day wait. So went with another airline, canceled. Not sure how she finally got to NO maybe by way of NY? Coming home NO to NJ to the west coast. Now do that with an elderly person with ALZ and incontinent. I have been invited to WA for a 50th Anniversary party and Alva's daughter's experience confirmed why I will not be going.
I agree. Airplane travel can be a nightmare with cancellations and delays . Couldn’t imagine having to leave an airport with a frail elderly person and finding a handicapped accessible hotel last minute . DH travels for work . I don’t even count on him coming home when expected anymore.
I am all for traveling. Even with dementia it enhanced life experiences and many recommend it. It all depends on how advanced dementia is and it seems in your Mom’s case it is. I would say Rome, although beautiful city but crowds, traffic could be overwhelming for some. I was almost ran by vespa if I did not flatten myself against some door as some guy decided to ride on sidewalk because of awful traffic. Getting to Trevi fountains, colosseum would require lots of effort. I remember standing in line kms long to get to Sistine Chapel. But, I would go back today, I love Italy and Italians. But again, even my husband with Parkinson’s no dementia, excellent traveller, loves airports and flying, I noticed after last trip it is becoming harder. Maybe my impression or it could be something different altogether. We went to Mexico this Jan-Feb, we go for several years to the same condo, friends in the same complex, hired driver, he could even do grocery, had cleaner and nurse and in nearby Merida doctor in excellent hospital who took care of my husband last year and I could get any specialist to see him. There was no need, but all arrangements were covered. Also, airport was easy as we requested help and both ways got thru security in no time and had bus class with pods. We are planning Mediterranean trip, perhaps cruise, I will go with companion, my BFF who would love to go with us. But, probably not possible for several reasons. I am just reading about beauty of Positano, maybe I go on my own as perhaps you choose as well. Rome is worth it, so are you!
it's of course totally up to you, because all the consequences land on you. so it's all whether you're up to it. but if you think you can manage, definitely go. let her experience a great adventure, and wonderful food. she will be happy.
Why does Mom want to go to Rome? Why Rome particularly? What would her plan be?
My LO wanterd to go to a town 2 hrs away. When asked why, said because it was halfway to where another relative lives & she wanted them to meet us there.
Fact: It wasn't halfway.
Solution: Seeing family could be aranged a different/better way than long drives for everyone.
I took Dad on an short 3 day cruise off the coast of Southern California and it was a disaster. He was overwhelmed by everything - the airport, the boarding, dining with tons of people. He was miserable and wanted to go home.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
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I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
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APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
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APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
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If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
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This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
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You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
How advanced is her dementia?
I am not sure that I would take this on.
Travelling overseas is very stressful, believe me I know, as I go to Europe every year, age 76, no dementia, good physical health, and it wears me out.
There is no way I would consider doing it with someone who has dementia.
You can "plan" a trip to every European country and visit a different city each night.
I would never attempt to travel that far with a person with dementia.
First..the logistics getting through the airport and then the 9 hour flight (I am taking that from Chicago to Rome) and that is JUST the flight. Not the travel to the airport and the 2 to 3 hours that you are supposed to be there in advance of your flight. You say you are exhausted now!
What happens if all goes well and you are ready to board and she wants to go home? What happens if she starts making a "fuss" ON the flight? What happens when you arrive and she wants to go home?
Try this. Book a hotel room for the weekend.
Drive her around for 2 hours (Holland Michigan should be pretty this time of year) . See how she does at rest stops, in the hotel and walking around for an hour or so doing some sight seeing.
Next take her into the city for lots of noise, confusion, traffic, people and again a lot of walking. The trip to the city could be done on the train and see how she does.
I am guessing if you do one of these you will find that travel with someone with dementia is not easy, not fun and not relaxing.
Place mom in Respite and take a trip you want to enjoy with your family or just by yourself.
What happens if mom has an "accident" on the plane? How do you take care of that? Have you seen an airplane bathroom?
How do you deal with the meltdown mid-flight when she gets confused and wants to go home? Of course you could medicate her, but then say she gets loopy and lethargic. How do you get her off the plane then?
I'm assuming since it's Rome, you'll be flying into Fumicino airport. I've been through that airport multiple times. You do not want to be there with all your belongings and an elder wth dementia just getting off an international flight.
If you want to go to Italy with your family I would recommend it a thousand times over. It's the most beautiful and romantic country in the world (I'm Italian so maybe I'm being a little biased LOL). Please go to Italy, but put your mother in respite care for the amout of time you go.
Put her in respite care and go for a couple of weeks. Don't even rush and try to fit everything in going only for one week. Put her in memory care for respite. Communicate with them while you're away. Ask a friend or family member to go and check up on her daily if possible. Hire a private aide to spend the day or night with her that's an affordable possibility for you. Just don't take her on the trip.
If you decide you're going to try, all I can say is 'Buona Fortuna' (Good Luck) because you're gonna need it.
This trip would be a huge undertaking with the incontinence, stroke , anxiety , mobility problems , and sleep disorder let alone the Alzheimer’s .
It “ seems to stressful and overwhelming “, because it would be just that .
My FIL also wants us to take him traveling . Not happening . We can just about handle a dinner to a local restaurant and back again. He thinks he can handle more than he actually can . He would get too exhausted to handle a trip .
I suspect that your mother does not realize her limitations as well and does not realize how exhausting it would be for you .
We all want to go places . We don’t always get what we want . I don’t understand why my FIL thinks we have to take him traveling . He wants to go on a cruise. I never asked him to take me anywhere. My FIL never offered to take me on a trip . He never dragged around any elderly people with him on his many trips he took . I don’t know why it would be expected of us to take a very frail person on a trip that we would not enjoy . He’s very entitled .
You just answered your own question. He expects the two of you to take him on vacations because he beleibes he's entitled. That you owe him. You don't.
It's nothing like traveling with a toddler. If a toddler doesn't feel like moving you can pick them up and carry them. They can be secured into a stroller too. Sure, they may cry, scream, and throw a tantrum but they're going where you bring them.
Also, you can give a toddler special medication to make them tired. The pediatrician can tell a parent what works best.
When you're traveling with a full-grown adult, it's different. I've had dementia clients who if they didn't feel like walking anymore would simply take a seat. On the floor of a store or public restroom, In a parking lot. You can't just pick them up like a toddler and force them into the car.
I had this happen. This was in the days before cellphones. The client just decided to sit down in the parking lot and refused to get back up. Lucky for me one of the store employees called the police to come and assist. I couldn't call because the client had dementia and couldn't be left alone. Truly, I should have just left her with the cops and drove off, but I needed the job.
I couldn't get her up though. With a toddler you can. Not the same thing at all.
Instead, why don't you take her on a virtual tour of Rome using a virtual reality headset? Sounds like a win win to me all the way around.
I flew from Alaska to the States last Summer. COVID restrictions were still in effect. So masks needed and COVID tests needed before the trip. Returning was a nightmare. Plane canceled. 10 hr wait in Toronto. Walking everywhere because of the time of night.
And seems it hasn't got better. Alva's daughter flying to New Orleans, plane canceled said 2 day wait. So went with another airline, canceled. Not sure how she finally got to NO maybe by way of NY? Coming home NO to NJ to the west coast. Now do that with an elderly person with ALZ and incontinent. I have been invited to WA for a 50th Anniversary party and Alva's daughter's experience confirmed why I will not be going.
So NO I would not take Mom to Rome.
Rome: Baroque Brilliance
It’s on YouTube, Rick Steves
It all depends on how advanced dementia is and it seems in your Mom’s case it is.
I would say Rome, although beautiful city but crowds, traffic could be overwhelming for some. I was almost ran by vespa if I did not flatten myself against some door as some guy decided to ride on sidewalk because of awful traffic.
Getting to Trevi fountains, colosseum would require lots of effort. I remember standing in line kms long to get to Sistine Chapel. But, I would go back today, I love Italy and Italians.
But again, even my husband with Parkinson’s no dementia, excellent traveller, loves airports and flying, I noticed after last trip it is becoming harder. Maybe my impression or it could be something different altogether. We went to Mexico this Jan-Feb, we go for several years to the same condo, friends in the same complex, hired driver, he could even do grocery, had cleaner and nurse and in nearby Merida doctor in excellent hospital who took care of my husband last year and I could get any specialist to see him. There was no need, but all arrangements were covered.
Also, airport was easy as we requested help and both ways got thru security in no time and had bus class with pods.
We are planning Mediterranean trip, perhaps cruise, I will go with companion, my BFF who would love to go with us. But, probably not possible for several reasons.
I am just reading about beauty of Positano, maybe I go on my own as perhaps you choose as well. Rome is worth it, so are you!
❤️🙂 ciao bella
Yes! The food and gelatos!
And fashion and shoes!
If you live in San Marino, sure take the drive.
My LO wanterd to go to a town 2 hrs away. When asked why, said because it was halfway to where another relative lives & she wanted them to meet us there.
Fact: It wasn't halfway.
Solution: Seeing family could be aranged a different/better way than long drives for everyone.
When she was about 90 she told me, "I really wanted to go to New Zealand, but I'll fly there on my own wings."
Wisest thing I ever heard.
I think your mom will have to go to Rome on her own wings.