What I mean is taking care of both in your home! I moved both disabled parents (78 and 79) in with us in May. Dad had a stroke back in 2002 at 56 or 57 (wasn't taking his BP meds but didn't tell us) with right sided weakness that has progressed to extremely limited mobility as he's aged. He was still able to transfer with minimal assist but after a few slip and falls during transfers last year, he started staying in his wheelchair or bed more.
Mom was diagnosed with Parkinson's in 2019. She was doing well until a few falls in 2022 and had to be hospitalized for a few days. Since then it's been a doozy. April of this year she fell and had to have surgery for a hip fracture. She did surprisingly well in the hospital and at rehab (19 days SNF unit at a NH). Upon discharge I moved them both in. I had some help, but then in June she had a bowel obstruction and had to be in the hospital for about 10 days. Got home and her behavior was unbelievable. Yelling, screaming, throwing things, cussing out the one night caregiver I had. Got with neuro and meds were adjusted, but that didn't help. Recently she had another med added and she seems much calmer and happy actually.
She does not like the walker and refuses to accept that she has to have it. Her balance is so bad she cannot do anything without it, but tries often to walk or stand without any assistance and falls or tips over or falls backwards onto the bed/chair if trying to get up. Did not use her walker a month ago and we had to go to the ER bc she had a big ol' goose egg to the back of her head.
Her memory seems to be slipping more every week. She's constantly saying, "Every time we come here (doctor's office, store, or the drive to) that same *insert whatever* is here!" Or "When we came last time that man was here!" And it's a place that neither of us had ever been or it’s a huge delivery truck that I totally would not have missed last time. She's beginning to get the granddaughter and great-grands mixed up, having difficulty knowing how long I've been gone from a room (I'll leave out to go get something return 10 minutes later and she'll great me like I was never there). Thinks she's gone places that she's never been (football games, community centers). She hates football and has never gone anything sports related and the community center I tried to get her to go to she refused and you have to sign up to go. She never has never signed up and I am friends with the director she'd be thrilled if mom came.
Dad is having one medical issue after the other. Ingrown toenails, one got infected and MD thinks maybe the bone is now infected; severe constipation required 3 separate ER trips bc he was screaming in pain; excruciating pain from a never fixed rotator cuff to the unaffected side (so he no longer tries to help when we transfer him from bed to wheelchair-he's bout 200lbs) I have to pay out of pocket for transportation bc we can no longer get him in/out of the car, they don't have Medicaid and Medicare has said they don't pay for transportation. We have 24/7 care and it's expensive. Food is expensive. Clothes. Adult briefs (he had an allergic reaction to the free ones Medicare supplied). Meds. Co-pays.
I often hear others say, "Oh I moved my mom or dad in too. It was hard but I wouldn't trade it for the world." Ok mom OR dad...I got both. I'm overwhelmed WITH help! Anyone else doing this? Or just me thinking this was a great idea? Sorry for whining and for this being so darn long.
Your situation is not sustainable .
Dad needs to go to SNF . ( Skilled nursing facility ) nursing home .
Mom’s needs may not qualify for SNF yet , but definitely memory care .
I would get a needs assessment . Call your local County Area Agency of Aging . They can help determine what level of care Mom needs . If she qualifies for SNF , Place Mom and Dad together .
I hope you are not using your money for their care at home . You should use your parents money for that and keep very good records , due to the 5 year look back if Mom and Dad need to apply for Medicaid for a nursing home .
Did your parents make you POA?
I do have them both on Hospice, not for end of life care, but for more support. A nurse every week, aide to bathe dad twice a week (can up it to 3x), she orders meds, supplies, etc, and Medicare covers cost.
I assist where I can, around my job, family, within my skills & within reasonable limits.
I can assist setting up meal deliveries but I am not the cook. I apply that approach to every issue.
Including the big one.. I can help you look for support - for home services at home or for supported living but I am not the all week maid & I am not running an aged care home in my home.
Other people may choose differently & that's fine.
PS Changes of mind are ok too.
I was doing that until the fall. I cooked larger meals to be able to take them food. When I didn't cook, there are some locally owned grocery stores that have wonderful food I'd get. The ladies all know me and would make sure each plate had enough for two meals on it. It was tiring bc they lived 30 minutes away even though we are in the same city. Having them here at least cuts out the hour drive (to/from) multiple times a week.
We had dad assessed early this year when they were still at their home bc he said he needed more care than mom could safely give. When it came down to get ready to go, he backed out. Understandably; they've been married for 57 years this December, together for since high school, and have known each other since they were 7and 8 years old.
The only AL facility here (Baton Rouge, LA) that can take his level of care is private pay. Medicare would cover their medical costs but not the facility cost. We are in the 'spend down' part of the Medicaid process.
Dad is aware that once they are worse, for lack of a better term, they will have to go to a nursing home. He understands and accepts that. Mom? I just don't even bring it up bc she has yet to accept the fully accept her PD diagnosis and what comes with it
You are new here. I encourage you to STAY and to READ. I think there's a lot of help and advice on many questions here for you.
I don't think what you are doing is sustainable. But only you can make decisions as to how to proceed.
I hope that you have POA in place, and an assessment on your mother's current dementia and that all things have been checked. It is common for elders to return home from hospitalization with infections in the bladder from placements of catheters during hospitalization. If she had administration of any anesthesias during the bowel obstruction hospitalization then she may be temporarily or permanently impaired. Good neuro exam is needed.
I am very sorry. Please do not invest your own funds in the care of parents. See to it you have a solid care contract done by an attorney for shared living costs in which they pay their share of ALL household expenses.
You are understandably overwhelmed. I doubt that will change as long as you insist on attempting this overwhelming and frankly impossible task. I do wish you the very best of luck.
I took care of my parents who were in their 90s for four years, but in their home, not mine. I lived with them for one month, every other month. My sister did the others. Fortunately they had the money to pay to get some help in for a few hours a day.
We kept hoping they would be able to die in their home as they wanted, but it simply was not possible. Their needs were becoming too much for us to handle and we placed them in a nursing home. My mother died in June, my father is still there. He will be 96 on Thursday. I was glad they were able to be together.
I wish you luck with your situation. I know how hard this is.