ssnow04 Asked July 2020
Anyone have experience (good or bad) on legal action taken against siblings for stealing money from parent?
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I would like to know if anyone out there is in a legal battle with siblings over money they stole from an elderly parent (suffering from dementia). Everyone tells you to take them to court but they don't realize the cost or the reality of the situation. I am discovering it myself but luckily, our lawyer is taking the case on a contingency basis. Short history, my mom was basically tricked out of every penny from mostly one sibling but the other was not innocent either. It happened over many years. There was even a report to DCF but that yielded pretty much nothing because my mom wasn't "homeless" (she is living with me) and at the time, still defended the siblings saying that they did whatever they did "for her own good."
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I'm so sorry to hear of your situation. My lawyer is just for the county and state I live in. You can do a search for probate/guardianship lawyers in your county. I think the first thing they are going to suggest is guardianship. At that point you have more power health wise and financially, so they say. Your siblings using parents money to pay for lawyer is typical, it is lousy that they can do that. As POA, they have a fiduciary responsibility and are not working in your mom's best interest. Consult the lawyer and see if your mom could sign a new POA giving it to you. I'm throwing some suggestions that you can keep in mind. Even my situation looks like an easy one for courts but these lawyers can drag out even the clearest of cases involving breach of fiduciary responsibility. My siblings so far have used my mom's money to buy another house, a new car and top notch lawyers to fight back. It's criminal if you ask me.
Also one person on this forum suggested watching the Netflix series Dirty Money...the show on guardianship. It will teach you a lot too.
Best of luck and feel free to message me if you want.
The family chose not the go after what she took from Dad and just move on so as not to upset Dad any further. Fortunately by the time he needed to move to a memory care and his funds were spent the 5 years had passed and he was beyond the lookback.
After Mother moved to the apartment in YB's home, OB would show up a couple times a week and 'borrow' dad's very expensive tools which he would pawn. He also was receiving about $200 per visit in cash from mother. Once he told me (with a straight face) that his then-wife really wanted a bigger and better diamond in her engagement ring and mother was financing it.
You just cannot make this stuff up.
OB was in jail several times--failure to pay child support and child sexual abuse. Mother asked the rest of us sibs to make his bail and pay his back-child support.
We went to court and saw him get the sentencing he deserved and not one of us gave a dime towards his 'release'. I would buy him groceries for his kids, but I would not give him cash. More than once I caught him going through my house, looking for a very valuable Chinese vase that was left to ME. The thought of him tearing through my drawers looking for this vase made me sick. Dh threatened him with the beating of his life and that ended that---but honestly, just knowing he was out there was enough to make me super anxious. His death did bring a great sense of calm to the whole family.
My brother was an issue, he was mentally ill with many weird requests and behaviors. He became more unhinged as he got older.
One surprise was that he had to be evicted from living with them. He refused to leave, even after assaulting my father. That seemed a no-brainer, right? My dad was 78. But still had to do eviction proceedings. The mediator finally settled it BUT my parents had to pay money to him to resettle (first and last, security deposit, etc). The mediator even got money for him since it was winter time and "cold". I was shocked because they were fixed income and it was a lot to spend to get rid of him.
He sued another time because my mother had, allegedly, promised him new dental implants. This was big money, and any such promise was more likely a discussion of what he could get done 'If he wanted'. Her paying never was the deal. But he sued her for the amount. He didn't win it all, but he got SOME. Yep, he didn't use it for teeth, of course. Drugs and beer.
The third time he sued I didn't even go because I was so upset. I heard he'd made a huge scene in court.
Basically, you can't assume a judge or mediator will rule in the interest of reason. If you can avoid legal issues completely, even by buying him off somehow, you may be better off. The legal fees are insane.
After he did this if I tried to see or speak to her he would call the police and say I was harassing her. I had proof of him writing checks to himself for cash from her account. He ended up closing the account since my mom had my name on it also and opened a new account without my name.
He then moved a woman into her home who got evicted from her trailer park who has financial problem and has access to all mom’s personal info & finances. Money is being used from my mother’s account to support this woman.
I have not seen my mother in almost 2 years now and lawyers want a substantial retainer with no guarantees of outcome. If you find out what to do please let me know. Best wishes to you.
My brother in law has stolen over 500 thousand dollars and I am supposed to smile because he is so cute. By the way he is 60 years old with a 25 year old phillopino bride.
Also, just to share the misery, my friend's sister is the "golden child," an animal hoarder with over 100 potbelly pigs, who are making more pigs as we speak. Friend's mom is 87 and wanted to live with sister, who lives like a hoarder lives. Between my friend's mom's social security and sister's disability they net about $2200 per month. They are spending $2000 per MONTH on pig food and supplies. I kid you not. My friend, who does the bookkeeping is fit to be tied as she has had to pay mom's food bills, sister's property tax (because mom lives there), but there is nothing she can do about the money hemorrhage because mom won't cut off sister ("poor thing, she can't support herself"), and won't move to Florida to be with my friend in a nice house. She would ather live in squalor in Pig Central in a crappy part of the California Central Valley and be watching over sister (who ignores her unless she needs money). People are nuts but seem to do whatever they want.
Side note: I live in another state from my family. Now, Sisters did a lot for Mom and I always felt guilty. In talking with another sister I occurred to me that I could take on Mom's finances long distance if Sisters got Mom to sign a DPOA to me.
Mom would never file charges against Niece and even if Mom wanted to she wouldn't recall any of it anyway. Niece admitted to my sister that she knew Mom wouldn't remember giving her any money. Heck, there were a few days, Niece took Mom to the bank twice a day!
I got the DPOA. I developed a monthly statement that accounted for every penny of Mom's monthly. All of us agreed Mom would pay Niece and BF's moving expenses out. Once I got the DPOA, I told Niece, from my mouth to her ears, Mom (her grandmother) was in a protected class of vulnerable elders by state law. If Niece took even a penny from Mom I WOULD CALL THE POLICE AND HAVE HER ARRESTED. Niece never took a penny again.
That was the best I could do.
It is a common situation - my mom has Alzheimers- and is in a full care facility- I witnessed multiple times my younger sibling writing checks to himself from her check book for gas, (he lived 2 miles from my mom's care home), expenses, groceries (my mom's mini fridge was always empty) misc, etc.
He had her credit card, check book, and debit card -every time I went to visit and take her out she wanted to pay or offer and had nothing . Her private nurse told me that "your mom doesn't have any money ever" My dad left her well off -I live out of the country. My brother said he kept her cards and check book to protect her from her nurse who he didn't trust. He fired the nurse and told me she quit. What he didn't know was that she called me every week to update me and told me they fired her weeks before his story.
My mom's nurse said my mom wanted to go out and pay for stuff but didn't know where her debit card was ...
my father who passed four years prior would have been livid if he knew what my brother was doing - two brothers - they helped themselves to her account, said they took her to appointments (hearing aids) never once did in four years - and it goes on and on - I found out and asked about it only to be cussed out and told that I am not there and have no business interfering-
so now we are estranged basically -
so
it get's ugly- I have had a daughter who has had 13 leg and ankle surgeries in the last four years and have been rehabbing her - I wish I could be closer as I am a great caregiver - disgusted in them
We almost lost our business and house when an employee who was also a family friend stole over $60k from us. She also did not make remittances to the CRA and we faced huge fines and penalties. She was the company bookkeeper.
We had proof, but needed a forensic audit, $25k to provide the proof to the RCMP.
Good Luck.
The rest of us 5 sibs knew nothing about this until YB finished the apartment on his home that was to house mom and dad for the remainder of their lives. The plan was that they'd pay off YB's home and he'd not ask any monetary recompense for taking care of them forever.
What a shock. The house was sold and Mother and Dad netted less than $60K where they should have had almost $300K. YB was never made whole--but we as kids all pitched in and helped as much as we could---but it was a real nightmare.
OB felt completely fine about doing this. It was unbelievable. Of course all the money was long gone....did we even talk about going after him? No, b/c he was the golden boy and mother wouldn't allow it.
It was her call, as it was her money--and dad was too deep into Parkinson's dementia to understand what had happened.
In this case as in so many, you have to weigh the possibility of getting the money back against the emotional cost. To mother, who loved OB with an almost sick fascination--this was clearly not the thing to do.
OB died, completely destitute about 8 years ago.
She and dad were the ones who suffered. YB was eventually made whole, but not immediately. When mother dies, we all inherit the same amount. It's a very small amount. As I have done a LOT of CG for mom, I may or may not accept my 'inheritance'..or I may simply give it to YB. She's been there 22 years. Daddy lived for 8 years there.
Mother is sliding into dementia, but she is still 'with it' enough to not bring up OB's name in conversation. He left enough pain and hurt behind him to last us all a lifetime.
Each situation is unique--and also the same. I have 5 kids and I cannot IMAGINE any one of them doing something so horrible. Mother has a real blind eye when it comes to this brother.
Whatever you decide, I wish you luck. There really is no 'right' nor 'wrong' in a case like this. Just 'awful' and 'slightly less awful'.