My 91-year-old mom lives in memory care, and from time-to-time it's necessary to check her out from MC to take her to doctor appointments, etc. Months ago I'd call her the night before, tell her I'd pick her up at 9 AM for a 9:30 appointment, and when I arrived on time the next day, she'd be ready to go. It's amazed me that despite her deficits Mom's been organized enough to manage this; but still, in the back of my mind I knew the day would come when she couldn't. Sure enough, I began to notice that when I'd arrive, she'd know we were going somewhere but still not be dressed, and I'd have to prompt her to get ready. Entirely understandable. However, more recently, I've found her ready to go but furious, insisting I'd told her I'd pick her up at 6 AM for a 9:30 AM appointment, saying "Where have you been? I called and called and you didn't answer!"; essentially a catastrophic reaction with anger, hand-wringing, pouting, refusal to leave, etc. Reasoning, of course, does no good. In both cases it took a "time out" followed by a great deal of wheedling to get her out the door. Fortunately, we weren't late for her appointment. Obviously, I need a strategy to avoid more of the same. I've contemplated arriving early and unannounced to assist Mom in getting ready, but I can hear it already: "Why didn't you call me??? Nobody tells me anything!!!!" with another scene of anger and confusion. I've tried to limit outings with Mom as much as possible for my own sake (there's a long history of verbal and emotional abuse; thank you, Mom), and my sister shares in my care-giving duties; nevertheless I'm anticipating a number of future outings, and without going into detail, they are necessary, non-optional followup appointments and social engagements. So far Mom's social conduct is okay, sometimes inappropriate (but not combative) and so far I've been able to manage her okay. The staff at Mom's MC love her and are wonderful; however, they don't have time to coach residents about when to get ready, etc., and they don't prepare residents for or take residents to appointments; just a once-weekly group pleasure jaunt on the community bus. Has anyone encountered similar situations and how did you manage them? Thanks!
Mom is up half the night and has all night to fret about a morning appointment. I'll make sure to ask for afternoon appointments right after lunch, inasmuch as I can.
The message board is a good idea; unfortunately I live 4 hours away so there's no opportunity to get reminders up on Mom's board in time.
But yes! I always take responsibility when things "go wrong," like yesterday: "Mom, I don't remember you giving me your pajama tops to let out the seams; I must have forgotten! I'm so sorry! How forgetful of me! Blah, blah." It's just easier. Let her have the day. Take the blame and the trouble generally diffuses. (I'll go out and buy new pajamas.) She reminds me often that SHE doesn't have dementia, only a "little memory problem," but she "knows SOMEONE that's got a serious problem (her emphasis, not mine) and looks glaringly at me! LOL
Wish I could take her out for ice cream or some other goodie; but she's diabetic! (Sigh) And as for sugar-free alternatives, I'm learning now that artificial sweeteners raise glucose levels much like sugar.... Maybe a cup of Starbucks with cream will have to do!
Thank you guys, you're the best!
Dad was the opposite, he would think he was ready but the search began for his cane... then his eye glasses... ok Dad you have your wallet?.... time for a bathroom run.... then the struggle to get into his favorite jacket... now, what baseball cap to wear. Then getting them into the car was no easy feat. I use to tell my parents their appointment was 30 minutes earlier than it was.
Eventually no matter what you do, with memory issues, it just becomes more complex. Lot of trial and error until you find one certain way that works. I had used what MAC above had mentioned, pick a time that works well, when Mom is the easiest to work with.
So I guess my suggestion would be, little advance warning, few trips, distraction with others in attendance and remind her that it is her decision. You need to mean that by the way. They can tell.
It hasn't always been going this smoothly. Took lots of trial and error and once even having to cancel the appointment because she refused to move. So just when I finally have a "system" down I've pooped out. I admitted to the facility director when I was leaving this afternoon that I did not think
I could do it again. It's all too much for me. My mom weighs over 200 lbs and just pushing her around the clinic in the chair is exhausting. Not to mention the transfer from walker to chair to car to chair to exam table to chair to car to chair to walker. She has to be prompted for every movement. The director reminded me that the facility provides a transport van that I can ride in with her and it would cut out at least four transfers in and out of her chair. Duh!! Sometimes we forget the obvious because we get locked into the way we've been doing things. Next appt we'll be taking the van! Hopefully the driver won't mind going thru the drive thru at the local burger chain so I can still treat mom to lunch out when we get back to Memory Care.
Also mom checked out fine from the fall.
If this facility does not have a house doctor perhaps a private caregiver, or a geriatric care manager would be able to transport.
I usually don't say anything ahead of time.. schedule afternoon appointments like others have mentioned. I might call in that morning and tell the facility to let them know an hour or so before I get there. They should be ready and dressed unless you go early in the am... or they had some accident that need to be cleaned up for.
Last time I took my mom to the Dr., when I came back she didn't recognize the memory care from the outside... wanted to know what we were going to be doing at this place and just take her home! If I can at all avoid taking them out.. I will .... Its sad because I would like to be able to take them out at times but am nervous about how they will react when we return... or if they will even go back in.
When I took my Dad to the Dr last.. the electricity went out at the Dr.'s office.. and we were on the 3rd floor in total darkness.. with my Dad.. with dementia! What an experience. The staff had to help us down 3 flights of stairs..
Needless to say. ... I do not look forward to their Dr appointments!
See All Answers