I had to make a rushed decision to move my mom to memory care, she's 66 with Alzheimer's. I feel like I justified why it was time and everyone around me agreed. Now I can't sleep, the guilt is crushing. I constantly call and visit and even though she is fine my brain is filled with guilt. I work remotely and get off at 4, I cook dinner watch and TV and feel guilty, I have the time if she was home? Shouldn't I have just made it work? I miss she's missing this time with us. It's only been a few days and I'm not sure I'm strong enough to keep her there, the stress of caregiving was easier than this anxiety and guilt and sadness.
I believe that things fall into place because they are meant to. With my Mom I went to the AL looking for respite care and found they were having 1/2 price sale on room and board. I jumped at it. When her money started running out the transfer from the AL to LTC went pretty smoothly. Another sign I was making the right decision. That room became available because it was time.
Because Mom has early onset Dementia she may decline faster. Having her in MC now may be better than later. She will except it as her home better later than on.
You can visit Mom. Take the kids with you. I used to take my grandson who was 3. The residents loved him. One man played ball with him. Her Dementia will get worse. You are looking at someone who is maybe doing well today but next month may decline drastically. To the point that she won't sleep during the night. She'll try to get out of the house.
She will be OK.
No offense, out that guilt is more about you than about her, and you need to recognize that and let yourself off the hook for not making an untenable situation work. If you could have made it work, it might have worked for you, but it wouldn't be working for her.
I assume you want the best for her, so that's why you made the tough decision to put her needs first. You're going through a bit of withdrawal, loss, and a load of other feelings, and that's OK. Let yourself have those feelings and you'll eventually shake them out. Just don't try to make them go away by bringing her home to make yourself feel better.
I think when you have been living with someone and caring for them the change in the routine of your life can be difficult, for years you have been consumed with planning your life around her care needs and suddenly you aren't and that leaves a void. What you feel is normal, but if the anxiety doesn't ease over time then you probably should talk to a counsellor about it.
Please try to change the semantics, because words matter. You aren't suffering from guilt. You aren't god; you can't make everything work. You are a human with human limitations. The G-word you need to use is grief. Both you and your Mom are suffering. Is it not worth grieving? Go ahead and have your feelings; with feelings it matters not at all what is "normal" or not normal on some kind of spectrum of measurement. Your feelings are what they are. Just realize that trying to go back and forth in all of this will give rise to unrealistic hopes and the shattering of those hopes will do more harm. Go ahead and feel all the grief of what it is in our country to get old, to face loss after loss, finally loss of mobility, continence and our own minds. It is worth grieving. You didn't create it; you cannot cure it. I am so sorry. I wish you the best and my heart goes out to you.
I, too, was on a waiting list and when the call came, I didn't hesitate.
I was already at wits end, and if I had passed on that available room, I don't know how I would have handled it, or when the next call would come. You placed your mom on a waiting list for a reason. That reason still applies. You made the right decision. Your mom will adapt to her new life, and she will be cared for. If your emotions are too hard to overcome, seek counseling.
I think you should visit often … take her on outings when you can.. bring snacks and small presents …seeing her well cared for and spending lots time with her … put kids on FaceTime etc… will make you feel better .. and assure her you love her.
it takes a village and there are no good solutions for this disease …
I am closer in age to your mother, and my father is in his 90s. You should not continue to shoulder this burden and you definitely should not feel the other “g” word. Your mom could survive for a very long time. You need to be strengthening and enjoying your own life, your work, your social connections, your mind, body, and spirit, so that when you are on the path to later old age, you are well fortified.
Thank you
It will take time but you will slowing exhale and accept your new routine. And I'm sure you will get into doing some things for yourself (new hobbies - photography, art, new skills - piano, new language) that you have neglected when being a caregiver. When you think about it ..... our Moms and Dads really want their kids to fly their wings and enjoy the good life. Your Mom will be pleased even though she may not say anything.
Good Luck
Love her from a distance and look after her but please - no guilt - you did right - and YOU must live YOUR life now while you can. Don't let others tell you something different.
I am sure when you say it was a rushed decision it was a decision that did not just pop into your head. It was one that had been in the back of your mind. That place where we all store the What If questions, the What Happens questions, How can I (fill in the blank) questions.
If mom was living with you (or you with her) you say you work. Yes remotely but you work. You can not work and be a caregiver at the same time. You can not give "all" of you to your employer and "all" of you to your mom.
Even if..we are going to play a game here....
Even if what ever caused you to make the decision when you did had not happened a few days ago and you kept her home. Would the decision change if:
She walked out of the house while you were working and you did not know she was gone for 1 hour, 2 hours?
Would it have changed if she fell in the shower, broke her hip and was placed in rehab for a month, or two?
Would you have been able to care for her then?
Would it have changed if she disturbed your work ever 5 minutes asking where you were, where your dad was, when were you going to take her to the store.....?
I could go on but you get the idea at some point you would have had to make the same decision.
One thing to learn about being a caregiver, and you still are one. Never second guess a decision that has been made in your loved ones best interest.
Please don't be so hard on yourself. Feelings of guilt and sadness are normal and it just shows you care.
Yet you are beating yourself up with 'anxiety, guilt & sadness' for placing your mom who has a brain disease in a Memory Care AL where she will be safe and cared for by a TEAM of capable people 24/7. Where all her needs will be met by a staff instead of one burned out young woman who is working a full time job and trying to care for a sick mother full time as well.
See where the illogical thinking comes into play?
Your mother is admittedly fine in the Memory Care, you visit her and call constantly, yet it's still somehow your 'fault' your not leaving your blood on the floor caring for her at home.
No, you should not have 'just made it work'. My mother lives in a Memory Care AL herself for the past 2.5 years, now with advanced dementia. She's become SO agitated & angry that it's becoming hard to manage her THERE, by a team of caregivers! How 'strong' would I have to be to handle her here, by myself, as one person with no help?
It's okay to feel sadness; and anger at the ALZHEIMER'S, nothing else. I feel sad and angry at the dementia that has ruined my mother's quality of life. To the point where I pray God takes her Home every night to a place of blessed peace, finally. It's not my fault or your fault our mother's were saddled with such a brain disease, but it's our job to ensure they stay safe & well. I can't do that alone at home, and soon, you probably won't be able to either.
In MC, the doctor comes THERE to see our mothers. Meds can be adjusted immediately. And doled out as written. Activities, food, snacks, movies, socialization is offered, vs. none of that at home, really.
Be sad of you want to, but be relieved an opening came up for your mom in MC. Take things one day at a time and allow BOTH of you to adjust to this new norm. I think it's perfectly normal to second-guess your decision and to wonder if it was the right one. As someone who's had both of her parents in AL and now MC since 2014, I can tell you, from firsthand experience and not invented folklore, that it's been a very good experience for them in every way. If I had it to do all over again, I'd do it all the exact same way, no changes at all.
And please ignore guilt-inducing comments by trolls around here with nothing better to do than make us feel worse, when this site is intended to be SUPPORTIVE and uplifting.
Best of luck.