As my father's dementia progresses, he's becoming increasingly misogynistic and culturally insensitive, it's really grating on me. Suggestions?

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As my father's dementia progresses, he's becoming increasingly misogynistic and culturally insensitive, it's really grating on me. Suggestions?

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Although never a hateful man, he was most decidedly a product of his generation. Adherence to gender roles: women tended the home and kids, were supposed to ALWAYS look their best, and men went to work. He had to have things "explained" to him over the years, and became somewhat less of an a**hole. Now in his dotage, antiquated mindsets are reverting. Please, help me with some gems of patience and coping.

Dementia Behaviors Family Caregiver Parents

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Say to yourself "this is the lizard brain, not my real, evolved dad" each time he says something dumb.

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They lose their filter. People who never showed racism will now come out with racial remarks out in public. For some sex becomes a topic. And that sweet little old lady who never cussed is using the F word. Their brains are all scrambled, for a better word. You are going to have to just let it go. No trying to reason with him is going to work. My Dad would have been 93 this year. Until the day he died he felt Mom was there to do his bidding.

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Great response.

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That’s dementia for you. That’s the only gem you need. It’s not fair to him, or to you, to have expectations based on who he was in the past.

Distract, divert, ignore.

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Thank you. I needed that reminder.

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My dad died with Alzheimers and now my husband has it. My dad was unbelievably the opposite as the disease progressed. Thankfully, we do have people who become aides and medical professionals who have loads of empathy. It is their calling in life...I'm learning from them. You treat the disease, it is the disease that causes the behavior. Give yourself a hug, easy to do by putting each hand on the opposite shoulder...and know your loved one would give that hug if he/she could.

Do you remember the Allstate ad many years ago that the real large hands, and a person (very small) was inside those hands? Well, I use that illustration to remind myself that "I'm in good hands with God." and I'm resting in His care.

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My mom's fliter is shot. I don't know if she is just now letting whatever she's thinking just fall out of her mouth and she ALWAYS felt this way (angry, mostly, and VERY judgmental) or if she's just running her mouth and doesn't take anyone else's feelings into consideration.

I just opt to believe she's just getting more dementia, despite what her CG (my YB) says. Otherwise, it's too hurtful to spend any time with her, she's kind of mean.

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My real Dad was a very conservative Methodist minister. We used to get in trouble for saying shoot or darn when we were kids because it meant we wanted to say the real words. So when he started cussing, our jaws dropped to the floor. It was the disease. So, no, I don’t think it’s something she would normally say. It’s the disease and only the disease. Hang in there and try to keep a sense of humor - it’s the only way I made it through.

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I didn't really encounter this with my LO, but, I did encounter a loss of filter once.
Back just before we realized it was dementia, my LO lost her filter. One time I had to LAUGH when the extended family (25 people) was gathered for Thanksgiving dinner and had WAITED for an hour for a certain couple who are ALWAYS late to arrive. I had said a few choice words about it too, as we stood around pacing, texting, etc. When they showed up apologizing, my LO, who had lost her filter, says in matter of fact tone,"You should be sorry. You've held up the meal. We ARE HUNGRY. And, Cousin Sunny says, you do it all the time! Why can't you get to places on time? Huh?" The couple was more shocked than me. I coughed, changed the subject and laughed ON THE INSIDE! lol

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What I’ve come to understand is my mother, who is 95 with CHF and dementia, never was nice. That person we all thought she was was actually a very well finessed “Betty White” impression. We saw her real self at home but when she was at family gatherings, she had a sweet and friendly disposition. As she aged, the nice became less and less. Well, with the dementia her Betty White persona went out the door. Then the dementia took it to a new dimension of mean, nasty, and combative. Quetiapine calmed her down and has taken the edge off. I wished, as her only caregiver, I had known about this option sooner. I’m hoping with time we can tweak the dosage to do even better.

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dementia causes this. My mom started To act like that and we knew there was something wrong thats when we found out she had dementia. See if the doctors can give him a mild antidepressant medication. This does help. But I was told this is the progress of the illness. Hang in there. Praying for you. .

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Dementia slowly steals the person who was in control of their tongue and guarded their thoughts. If they continue to live thru all stages, before speech is lost entirely, all they will have left is music, cussing and racial slurs all housed in the last part of the brain to go. Be kind you still have the capacity to control yours, he has lost his. Taking offense at the words of a brain sick man is a problem only you have to deal with, grow as he slowly goes!

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My dads 90 with moderate dementia living in MC. Same story, and shocking as it is, there’s little one can do but apologize to caregivers when he is rude and thank them daily for their compassion and great care. They understand it’s part of the illness and move forward. I remind Dad how well these folks are caring for him in hopes it’ll one day sink in. We won’t medicate him b/c his slurs are occasional and there’s still a good guy inside. Dad takes CBD gummies for inflammation and they’ve also balanced his mood nicely without antidepressant side effects. They help calm, create better sleep, ease swelling n pain.

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So he is not taking anything else but that?

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My mom doesn't have dementia - yet - but also adheres to this cultural norm. Sadly, she was the victim of abuse from my alcoholic father. She separated from him over 30 years ago. It wasn't until last year that she actually divorced him - to protect her financial assets. She still defers to every man that is in her life and chides me when I tell her that she shouldn't do this.

Consider that they are stuck in the "Archie Bunker days". Your dad knows you are caring and competent. He does not remember culture has progressed from that time. If he says please, thank you, you look nice... take them as the compliments that they are. When conversations get "tough" or "weird", I try to change the subject.

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Wow, are we an insensitive lot when "please", "thank you" and "you look nice" are taken as offenses! The "Leave it to Beaver" days were of a different culture... almost as different as some habits and attitudes of other nationalities that cause "tolerant" young Americans to cringe. People are basically, irrevocably, a product of their upbringing, but they learn to make adaptations as they mature. I only hope that when I'm 95, and I unconsciously slip into outdated speech, those who care about me will cut me some slack.

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My dad is going on 103. He does NOT have dementia. He took mom, who does have dementia to the dentist, who happens to be our neighbor and my age. Mom is neglecting her dental hygiene due to the dementia and there is nothing we can really do...so she had 13 cavities. I don't know if the DDS really explained what would happen if they were left alone; I don't know how big or small they were. But the tab for them was $2K+. Dad read a story in a national newspaper about a for-profit chain of dental clinics and how they did damages to people who had no problems...The other day the DDS neighbor was outside fertilizing his lawn and dad was outside doing things; I was outside rummaging in the trash for something that went missing thanks to mom and dad brought up the bill issue and said in his very LOUD voice that the DDS was a yiddish word referring to a greedy pig. Oy.

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If this behavior is new, then chalk it up to his not realizing what he is doing.. Think of him as a very sick loved one.

Grace + Peace,

Bob

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Many good answers/advice here. My mom (living in a care home) too has lost her filters, and the racial slurs and aggression have become more manageable with
medication. There's lots of excellent videos on Dementia/ALZ behaviors & how the brain functions in our LO's from Dementia expert Teepa Snow "Positive Approach to Brain Change": "The Right and Left Brain" available on YouTube. It's helped me alot. Best wishes as hugs on your journey.

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Even before my 93 y/o mother had dementia she was 'culturally insensitive'. Very very culturally insensitive. And now it's even worse. I don't expect much from her anymore regarding anything or anybody, and she never disappoints.

It is what it is. Stop putting expectations on your father and he too will never disappoint you.

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I have been thinking for a long while that Dementia and ALZ are demonic. That sounds weird to most of you, but there are times you look in someone's eyes and you can see that - they're not there; it's as if it's someone else, and they talk and act in ways they never would have. People in the US don't get that, but in many other countries it's commonly understood. In the US, doctors diagnose some people with split personalities; more than one person in the same body....

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At one time people in the US also believed that our loved ones with dementia were possessed. However, we have gone away from that purposely since that belief led to the demented being demonized. They were often were treated with cruelty if they were treated at all!
We now know that dementia is a medical problem and the demented should be treated with sympathy because they are sick with a horrible disease.
That is what you want, right?

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Imho, I don't know if you can change his mindset. My mother's neighbor, who lived to 102 years of age, disliked people who were 'different' than him - I'll leave it at that because of its offensive nature.

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I don’t know how old you are but there use to be a tv show called Leave It To Beaver. The wife/mother was June Cleaver. She was what they called a “housewife” back then. Nowadays it is “stay-at-home Mom”. She wore pearls and a nice dress and heels even if she was making a meal or vacuuming. The husband was the man of the house and in other words, the “boss”. That was expected AND accepted back in the day. Your Dad most likely lived or grew up in that time and atmosphere. I am sure he is reverting back because the old memories come to the forefront. My mother had dementia and she began thinking she lived in the house we lived in when I was 5 years old. They had moved from there 50 years ago. She didn’t go to work until I was 13 years old. That was about the time when it took two if you wanted to move up any. I am 67. We laugh about June Cleaver nowadays and I worked all of my adult life and my child was in a daycare. When you pull up old census reports in genealogy, ALL the women were “housewives” in my grandmother’s day for the most part. Cut your Dad some slack. Men his age are not politically correct especially if they have dementia.

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As my father's dementia progresses, he's becoming increasingly misogynistic and culturally insensitive, it's really grating on me. Suggestions?

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