As POA, at what point do you step-in regarding financial matters?

I'd get the situation(s) with the credit card and suspected fraud resolved first, rather than trying to introduce a whole new set of healthy spending habits. You say she was resistant to the budget, but did she co-operate with identifying the credit card transactions?

You won't need to resort to the DPOA for this, your mother can give her permission for the company/ies to discuss her account with you over the phone.

She has been ignoring the situation intentionally, and that probably means it hasn't stopped her feeling sick with worry about it. Get it sorted and out of the way, and perhaps the relief will be a good basis for better management (and confidence in you) in future.

Start by reading your PoA document to see when exactly your authority is legally activated.

What you do next will depend upon what authority you do or do not have. I would not waste any time setting up a budget. 1) she has proven to not care or live in reality regarding her finances, and; 2) if she does have cognitive impairment a budget will be for you to manage, not her. She won't be able to follow it.

A PoA's power may be in force if she is temporarily cognitively incapacitated, so you may want to check the document and then decide to try to clean up her mess or not. No, it is not too early to have your finger on the pulse of what's going on since you'll be managing it eventually, anyway.

The lesson I learned was to take advantage of your mom being out of her house and look for other problems and struggles she's having. My MIL had countless cartons of checkbooks that she kept ordering because her short-term memory was fried. She'd write one check out of one book then open another carton (12 boxes of checks in a carton) and write another check and nothing was documented in her checkbook ledger. Other bills weren't getting paid, she was upside down on a ballooning 2nd mortgage, behind on property taxes, medications weren't being taken correctly, food was spoiling in her fridge, etc. It shocked us because she didn't seem "that bad". She was not even remembering to feed herself.

I took the opportunity to take pictures of her driver's license, Medicare card, SS card, bank account number, homeowner's and car insurance, and took possession of cc's that she wasn't (or shouldn't be) using. By doing this I opened up online banking for her so I could monitor her account for balance and fraud and set up BillPay for more important bills to be paid on time. I sorted through her mail first to find the bills and throw out tempting junk mail. I found any medical records and took pictures. In short, I saw a train wreck coming and all I could do was minimize its impact on the both of us by being preemptive.

FYI your mom should designate you as her Medical Representative so that her medical team can discuss her health issues with you without her being present. This is separate from medical PoA and has to do with HIPAA rules. Ask the clinic or receptionist at each doctor's office for this form for her to sign.

Finally, please be aware that unless she is very wealthy, she might need Medicaid to pay for her care and many states have a 5-year "look-back" period on the application. Please find out what it is for her state. I recommend you and her invest in a consult with an elder law attorney to understand the minefield of financial transactions that could easily delay or disqualify her. Even if she doesn't go, you should. My in-laws were selfish spendthrifts their whole lives and never learned their lessons from being in debt over and over. They put their entire family into a terrible position by never planning and going into their retirement not only broke but deeply in debt yet expecting us, with a young family and a business to run, to be their hands-on caregivers and retirement plan. Don't feel guilty if she winds up in a less-than-ideal care situation: this is what she planned for. She had her entire life to learn and save and chose not to do either. You are not responsible for her happiness. Just do your best and eat the elephant one bite at a time, especially if you start early. I wish you all the best!

Geaton is correct. You need to read the POA document. IF you require the letters of two physicians then you need to let these docs know that you have found appalling financial stuff going on here, and you need a diagnosis so you can institute this POA, cancel credit cards, make a safe spending account for Mom and get things in CDs she cannot touch, for her own safety. It sounds like this is a mess. I can't know how much money is involved; only you can know that. You can speak to your Mom also about going to draw up a POA if she is not diagnosed yet. If they think she is competent then she is competent to do that.
I wish you good luck.

You say you have a durable financial POA. Read the document and make certain. If, in fact, it is a standard durable POA, and not a springing POA, you have the authority to put it into effect this minute. The document became effective the day it was signed. In order to act on her behalf with all of the various institutions you will deal with, they all must receive a copy of the POA so they know you have the legal authority to act for your mom.

In my opinion, you can never get started too early with this.
I have DPOA over my Mom (at the time, 2015, she had early stage Alzheimer’s).
She was sending checks to every piece of mail that looked like a bill (most were just junk mail trying to get you to buy things). She was paying bills twice sometimes, and logging the checks incorrectly.
she would dial 911 every time the power went out (in her mind, it WAS an emergency..!). These behaviors started to pile up, so I started a log with behavioral notes from every time I went to visit her.
I had to sneakily get her Credit cards away from her and with my DPOA, cancel them all. I told her that as POA, I needed to make copies of the CCs.
She even told me she had a CC somewhere but couldn’t remember what happened to it..!
maybe she could be given a Visa gift card as her official “credit card”?
it is tricky as they still have cognitive ability early on, and become more paranoid as the disease progresses.
I did take her to a well known geriatric neurologist to get her officially diagnosed, and to seek advice from her on how to best proceed with approaching these topics such as bathing (or lack of), money issues, etc.
good luck it is a long road. You have to remember to take of you first.

In addition to others’ statements about knowing your authority as a POA, please note that there are different types of POA: health and financial. They are two documents for two different purposes. I hope you have both. Good luck.

I talked to the doctor (actually sent/faxed) details of my concerns and mom’s behavior. I related what my siblings had told me as well. I asked the doctor for a plan of treatment and assessment of mom’s abilities and inabilities. Specifically can she make financial decisions, pay bills, drive, etc.
The doctor had her brain scanned, did a memory test and assessed that mom has normal aging as well as vascular dementia progressing to ALZ symptoms. This was not evident to mom other than she kinda knew she needed help. I was in the meeting with her and every meeting with doctors. I specifically asked the doctors for a treatment plan to help mom and they all said that there is no reversal. When I got mom home, I prayed for wisdom and early in the day (she is worse in the evening), I offered to set up her accounts to get the most benefit and reduce the negative impact of debt. Once I got her agreement, I got all her accounts in front of me, did a budget and let her know that she needed $$ to live (food, insurance, maintenance, bills). I showed her what was left over (after I pulled out a percentage for emergencies). I was serious and concerned and told her I wanted her to be as independent as possible and me handling her finances is what rich people do-except they pay for a bookkeeper!
Then, I went about reducing her debt. I got a DPOA for her and called each of the CCards and cancelled the card. I did not tell her this because she is not wise. I got her a debit card and asked her to keep all of her receipts and daily keep a record (on a calendar) of what she spends...every penny so she can see her outlays.
This effort showed mom that she was spending more than she thought and also that she struggled with doing this simple task.
Once the CC had cancelled accounts, I sent them a reduced amount (less than the minimum because she could not afford it with the explanation that there was a medical issue and no more money was available for payments. Eventually, the CC people negotiated with me and most settled for 50 percent of what she owed. She had these card for years and the interest was killing her. Prayer prepared my words and mom’s heart for all interactions and I am grateful that she is safe and her finances are in order.

It is never too early to fret about her financials. My mother went way too long managing on her own and I had a huge mess to clean up. And she lost a lot of money in various ways. I wasn’t able to step in prior to her completely becoming unable to manage anything on her own and it was either me or a state guardian. Long story. But after I stepped in, I hired an elder care attorney to review all my documentation and give me guidance. The hardest part was listening to my mother insist that she could manage everything herself, that she could still drive, that she could live on her own, that she wanted her credit cards to go shopping, she wanted to buy a house, and that I was stealing all her money and trying to kill her. With her advancing dementia I quickly realized that there would never be reasonable conversation about money or care. I just had to follow my gut. A social worker I know told me I just needed to trust in what I was seeing and that I was going to need to make hard decisions that I knew were in her best interest despite her accusations and anger. My mother lost a ton of money that could have been used for her care and comfort.

Tough answer..My mom set up my POA when she felt the start of cognitive decline at 84. I took over very slowly. She requested I write checks and pay bills. She kept her credit card but was reasonable with spending. She had a Dx of Lewy Body Dementia {dementia varies from day to day}. A year later she had a real break with reality. She was in heavy dementia for 6 months..I took away the credit card quietly. She never asked for it..Now she is lucid again and I asked her what she thought about me giving her the reins..she said.......”no, I feel so relaxed with you paying the bills and helping me with purchases”. I will add she is 87 and in an assisted living. Moms doctor actually told me when to take over completely...there was a man at an independent retirement home showing a bit too much attention and taking her shopping! Her doctor felt she was at risk financially. Good luck!

You must immediately step in, but it may be best not to explain too much to her. You shouldn't have to struggle to get a peek at her finances. First be sure that all paperwork is in order with the medical and financial POAs. And most banks and financial institutions have their own POA forms. You may have to go with her to the bank, etc. to get these extra signatures. You may have to send a copy of your POA to her doctor, the bank and other places to be able to set these things up. Be sure you are on file with Medicare and Social Security to be able to talk to them on her behalf. If she has assets (a house, etc), she should also have a will. Do this right away before she is assesed with dementia. As POA you can act on her behalf. Ask the credit card companies and banks, etc. to send you a copy of her monthly statements (paperless if you prefer). At some point, you may have to have all of her bills sent to your address so that you can make sure that they are paid. You may need to get the bank to send you some checks (you sign with your name and put POA after your signature). You don't have to tell her that you are doing this, and depending on her mental condition, she may not even notice that she's not getting the bills. If she will have aides in the house, be sure her financial papers are locked up and also her valuables. If you find that she is not fiscally responsible, you can put low limits on her credit cards and take other actions that will get her finances more under control. Ask the credit card company to issue a card from her account with your name on it so that you can charge things that she needs, when appropriate. I was POA for an elderly aunt and now for my mother. With my aunt, bills were not getting paid, checks were not getting cashed and I had to step in. With my mother, I realized that there was a problem when she started getting confused about financial things, her signature got very wobbly and she was not filling out checks properly. After my father passed away, my mother was helpful and allowed me to be joint owner on her accounts, which makes things easier.

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! One false move on her part can ruin her. We have all heard so many horror stories, like the old man whose children called once a week to check on him--he was fine, shopping, gardening, watching the game. He neglected to mention that he applied for every credit card and rolled over every credit card until the bank fees were so high that they swallowed his retirement account.

Now his kids have a father with no income. The stories are legendary.

My mother, for example, decided to close her main bank account, not realizing that all of her deposits went into it. When I explained that, she was shocked. "I don't get deposits," she claimed. She was clueless, typical of her generation but still a problem.

One thing I have learned in this role is that it is better to be little too early than a little too late. When you think it might be time, it is time.

How to do this? Be creative. You know her. Read up. There is loads of information. But make it happen. Take charge or regret it later!

Good luck!

What triggered my stepping in for my mom with Alzheimer’s from a financial perspective was that I happened to be at her house one day when she was mailing a check for a car warranty. After digging, I found she had purchased 2 car warranties! I reported all her credit cards as stolen immediately. It me months to get her money back that had been paid (she actually made money after the companies paid all the fines and fees). I do have a durable PoA so took that to her bank and got myself put on her account (she went with me), went to her financial advisor and locked down all transactions without my approval and set up online access to ALL her accounts. I set up most bill payments to pay directly from her checking or her one reopened credit card. She does still have a checkbook and does still write a few checks here and there for items that are prepaid, but they post as credits and she doesn’t have to pay it next month. It has been extremely difficult for her to stop driving and turn over her finances to me, but after the mess with the car warranties and understanding she could have lost over $10,000 she has been more receptive to getting help in many areas. I have alerts sent to my phone on any credit card or bank account transaction so I can look into canceling immediately if needed. My mom does accuse me of trying to take over (I am), she does yell at me and tell me she doesn’t need a babysitter (she does) and does yell at me and tell me I’m not her momma and I’m bossy (guilt as charged) and most days that’s just how the cookie crumbles. My dad died with ALZ 10 years ago and I learned so much from him. I can’t say it’s easier the second time around but at least the learning curve is much, much flatter!

Read this two times. If you are already on record as the POA then the only problem I see is -- Are you ready to step up and say to Mom I am taking over your finances. It is needed to straighten out all these charges on the Credit Cards and get her budget working for her again. Keep her informed at all times in all this, but take charge so she can be alright financially.

That said, rather harshly, let me say this. Mom will deny forever that she has a problem, If dementia is a factor here, she will only be more and more confused or in greater denial about money. It is going to be natural for her to deny she needs help, not only because her abilities to handle money properly, but because she literally will not see what is happening. She believes/feels she is fine with all of it. Please understand, her reality is in her mind and she believes she is OK. Don't try to convince her otherwise, just take over.

This is not going to be an easy process, she will fight you every way she can. If you have signed the documents for POA, you have the legal right to take over. I would verify this with the Attorney, but that is what I found when I had to do this for my Mom. All I had to do was -- "do it". It is, in fact, what she wanted when she gave you POA.

All this is meant to say, in part, that when we are a "caregiver" for a parent/whomever we also find ourselves giving our own excuses for our inaction. That inaction being the taking over some of the necessary activities of living -- usually the financial dealings, activities that our loved one has always been able to handle. It is in some ways our own denial, seeing those parts of our loved one failing and we don't want to see nor accept this ourselves. In ways we are now the adult and the adult is now the child. Just a fact and does not need to be explained to them, they will not understand. Just give all the love you and no matter what the reaction. AND talk to someone, not family, someone who can listen, perhaps a counselor. You, too, need to be able to express your concerns, finding a way to help you understand all of your decisions. Someone not invested (Involved) in the situation.

Do all this with the love and strength you can gather. It is our love and acceptance of the loved one as they are today, not what we have been used to or with they still were, that will allow us to move ahead with grace. When our loved one has Dementia, it is never too early (NOR TOO LATE) to step in and take command. Do it with love and always tell them what you are doing. I did this until Mom was no longer interested (and she let me know when).

Stay Calm, Stay Safe, Stay Loving. It is a journey and not always a good one, but one that one day you will be able to say "I did the right thing". God Bless all of you!

I empathize with your situation and can relate. I was experiencing a similar situation with my 84yo mother a few months ago when I also got full POA. Many of her related dementia-type behavior was due to medication interaction (10+ daily), not taking meds correctly, dehydration and UTIs. Since I placed her in SNF, her cognitive abilities and overall health have improved substantially after 2 falls and COVID in her apartment. However, her finances were not being properly managed and her spending was totally out of control. She did not have any concept of her monthly rent and expenses and thus had high CC debt, unpaid bills, fraudulent charges, unopened mail, etc. My suggestion is to step in immediately and pay what seems to be legit. Call the CC companies to report the fraud, and communicate with her bank and vendors to explain the reality of your Mom's condition. This what I had to do and everyone was very understanding, all while I was still in shock over finding many unopened boxes for items she no longer needed (jewelry, electronics, kitchen gadgets, clothing, etc.) and discovered she had been hoarding for years. Also discovered food products out of date in her pantry and fridge as well as unsafe and unsanitary living conditions; her disregard for personal grooming (she was always meticulous about dress and makeup). No, you are not fretting nor are you infringing upon her rights; the roles are now reversed and you will be parenting her to give her the best gift for the present and for her future - a safe and healthy lifestyle. You have done a wonderful job hiring outside help, but you may want to consider researching a continuing care community which offers personal care, skilled nursing and dementia/memory unit. What I wished I knew sooner was how much trouble she was in, but our elders are very keen on masking their need for help. My mom was able to keep up appearances during our visits and phone calls. Best of luck...post me again if need be!

You POA is not active until she is incapacitated and no longer capable of paying bills. If she is still "with it" you cannot be POA and it is NOT illegal for her to spend her own money.

I found out about my parents capacity through the DMV. Apparently one day my mom received a notice that the Dmv had cancelled their registration due to not having insurance on the car. Unbeknownst to me, my dad had taken over the day to day household bills, and once he had had a stroke that all stopped. This was surprising since my mom had managed other peoples money before, and had always managed the household bills. Fortunately he had set most bills up on auto pay. The car insurance though was an issue though because he couldn’t drive anymore - and we had to hide the keys to the car.

Despite having a stroke and being hospitalized, no one had diagnosed either of them, their family doctor was pretty much useless. It seems the neighbors knew they had problems, but the professionals around them didn’t.

My mom had gone on a spending spree in 2012, bought a new car (which my dad couldn’t / shouldn’t have been driving) because it was too big, and purchased a 50k cruise with no medical insurance in 2013. My Dad was hospitalized on the ship most of the time.

Back to the Ops issue. I never received the POA from my parents because they were both too far gone by the time I realized anything was wrong. Although they both showed signs of dementia in 2009, we didn’t actually get a formal diagnosis until 2016. By that time, my father was in late stage Alz, and Mom had been suffering cognitive decline for 15 years.

I started by just letting her see the bank statements at the end of the month. Although she added me as a beneficiary, she never added me to any accounts, so I’m still an outsider, but I did know her financial advisor before this all started, so he’s been very helpful
without me having a POA.

I've found just giving her the statements every month works, and most months she forgets about them.

I also never obtained a medical POA, and let me say that again, it didn’t seem to matter. When my dad was sick, the medical staff all wanted me to sign off on everything. I was the one forced to sign the DNR when my Dad ended up in hospital for the last time.

As for my Mom, she continues to have cognitive decline, and refuses most medical treatment.

One final note - occasionally she asks me about taxes, and I tell her they are filed. This always makes her happy, though I omit to tell her how much she had to pay in taxes each year.

You definitely have reason to be concerned. Please show this to her doctor. She needs to be evaluated now and treated. Her thought processes may clear up with treatment, but you have the POA to act in her best interest when she can not do so herself.

1 - Get doctor to declare her mentally incompetent now. When she has recovered, the doctors can reevaluate her cognition and upgrade the diagnosis.

2 - Contact all the places that your mom has financial dealing with so they will work with you.

3 - Set up plans with financial institutions to streamline payments: auto bill payments, replacing credit card with reloadable gift card for "fun spending", and fraud/scam alerts that go to you.

4 - Use your judgment about how you explain this to your mom. You might want to say that you are "helping to make sure her bills are paid while she is recovering" which is the truth.

Maybe look into getting a fiduciary? Your mom might more quickly agree and co-operate to this as it’s an outside professional and not one of her children ‘taking over’ , if you know what I mean.

I’m in the process of getting one so I wish I had more detailed info for you. Fyi I also have a joint account with my mom - she agreed to that - and have paid for various ‘mom bills’ via that.

Best of luck!!

You didn’t mention this, but if you are not already on her financial accounts, you need to be. Make it something to do together - pay the bills, go to the bank. Approach it from the standpoint that when she was in the hospital, you needed to pay some of the bills and couldn’t. Once you are doing it with her, she may relax and turn over more access so she can go do something she wants to do. Simplify as much as possible, and clean up any clutter of papers or bags of old mail. My dad would “clean up” before I’d arrive by throwing everything in a kitchen garbage bag and hiding it in his room. When he entered the hospital, I found uncashed checks, letters from the bank about NSF fees, and even a letter from his former employer that had to be notarized or he’d lose his pension. Best of luck to you.

I was in the same boat as you a few years back with my mother. First I made sure I registered all of her accounts online so I had access to review them anytime I needed to. Banks, retirement funds, medical records, life insurance, annuities, utilities, taxes, credit cards, everything should be accessible to you online. Then I was able to monitor and remind Mom of upcoming appointments, payments, balances, etc. She really appreciated behaving a “personal secretary”. Now she can’t perform any of those tasks and I continue to keep things going. If she wants to give a grandchild a thousand dollars I let her. I don’t control her, I don’t make any dramatic changes, so she has learned to trust me.

You might have to go to court to prove her unfit to take care of all this and then you would have guardianship. Might be hard if she doesn’t have a dementia diagnosis. I became alarmed when I saw shutoff noticed laying around my dads house. His papers were scattered everywhere. He was laying down bills somewhere and totally forgetting about them. But for him this behavior was completely out of character since he was very responsible about not living above his means. In your moms case you might have to let her hit bottom if she’s stubborn and won’t let you help her.

It is my understanding (as a new POA for a friend) that you can 'step in' only when the person is deemed unable to manage their own finances. You need a letter from her MD confirming this -

These documents are required when contacting banking and investment, etc., institutions. And, then they STILL may want their own documents used.

Setting up a budget doesn't mean MD intervention is needed unless you are managing her actual finances, i.e., taking out of her account. You might want to get your name on her account(s) if that is easier.

You need to keep very accurate records.
It is strongly suggested that you do NOT co-mingle accounts, i.e., as needed have separate checking etc accounts (in your name for her).

Re-search POAs requirements and as you feel necessary contact an elder care specialist / attorney (which I presume many here have suggested). Gena

most POA are in effect immediately when signed and you do not need to get a DR to sign for you to take over. If you have a copy, read it and see what powers it gives you. Take it to the Bank. If they give you a hard time get a lawyer to help you. - if it is durable power of attorney even better!

I am going through this exact thing right now. Numerous factors contributed to my moms incapacity and now requires me to execute the power of attorney, so ......my brother set up an appointment at the bank. We take the trust and bank records so I (the next in line) can be added as a signer.

We were informed by the bank that although the power of attorney is effectively immediately upon her incapacity or us just deciding to take over the POA does not give me power to act in behalf of the trust and since the bank account is in the trust I have no power to take over.

In order to take over as successor I have to have a doctor declare she is totally incapacitated. And not only do I have to have a doctor's letter, I will need to have two letters. This is because of some weird thing my parents put in their trust. "Incapacation has to be proved by committee, which consists of two doctors and a pastor (if they have a pastor). I had to consult with the lawyer to see if this was correct interpretation by the bank, and she said yes. The other option wars a noterized letter signed by mom saying she is resigning from her role in the trust.

Distance and moms conditions are making both options extremely difficult. So I am trying to get the letters fro the doctors. I have one but have been trying to get the other for weeks. Now that she is totally incapacitated it is impossible to get her to the doctors and now it's like a hot potato. The doctors and social workers want to pass this around like a hot potato. I think I FINALLY have this resolved and expect the second letter in the mail in a day or two.

This has been so difficult I cannot tell you. We need access to the funds to pay for her 24 hr day help at home and I have been paying out of my pocket.

I could go on for hours as I'm sure many of you can. We did hire a lawyer because the worse mom gets and as we search for documents we need, the more we find that needs to be fixed. Although we have a lawyer I try and do as much as I can as every contact with the lawyer costs. It has been very helpful to have the lawyer and I think the only way to navigate some of these difficult issues.

Good luck to you.

Id she has her mental faculties then it's really none if your business how she spends her money.
There are a lot of people who charge up credit cards and buy plenty of things they don't need or someone else's wouldn't agree with.

So, the most you should do is talk to her about your concerns.

I took over all of my dad's finances when he was in rehab, doing so without him knowing at all. I’d long had POA and been on his checking and savings accounts but never had any involvement. I changed all bills and banking to online statements coming to me. Not once did anyone ask what I was doing or for the POA. I talked to someone at the bank who told me I was doing the right thing as they saw all too often seniors that no one was looking out for. I got the approval of my siblings, but they weren’t involved. When my dad came home from rehab I told him what I’d done with great trepidation. Much to my surprise he accepted it, largely because I’d made a homemade version of a spreadsheet and could show him what all had come in and been paid. He was okay with it, and this had been a fiercely independent person. I think stepping in is a service, for just a time like you’re seeing. Your mom is overwhelmed, may not be able to admit it, and needs help. Don’t argue with her, but take on the finances as you can

Fraud is fraud. Tell her the bank has notified her about fraud on her account and you need to help her handle the paperwork to stop it and clear things up. If she's a shopper, then stop the card(s) with all the debt. To avoid cutting her off all together, get her a card and put a very low limit on it so you can start over and pay closer attention to it.

She may be more receptive to help if she thinks the bank is worried about her money/acct

When my mother started sending charities all sorts of big checks-- and then forgetting she did that month and sending more-- we, the family took away her check book, her account, her ID, and her driver's license-- put her in an Independent Living Facility- and made everything direct pay-- anything else my sister-- the POA paid-- and all the retirement accounts recognized her as the new recipient and payer. DO this soon or reap the whirlwind-- and look silly. Get the Doctor's approval and do not go halfway. In the long run the average dementia patient forgets they ever had a purse, a wallet, and a checkbook. ALL letters and conniving grabby charities must be nipped in the bid-- change her postal destination to yours and she will come to forget all the interaction. Best advice-- do it all now or you will wish you had. If anything needs a signature-- you may have to be sneaky-- but being a good POA requires you do all you can to protect the demented person from herself-- so do you best and be sneak if need be-- remember one of the Alzheimer go-to's -- don't answer questions that now do not concern her-- redirect-- and keep doing it if you want to keep the peace. Or surrender to chaos. Another bit of advice-- it ain't gonna be fun-- it never is-- but it is necessary. All part of tough love. OH-- do not hire non-family to do the financial-- unless you wanna be ripped off-- so many horror stories-- never use a guardian or you will lose control soooo fast and then have to use the law to get it back-- people lose their homes and everything like that... incredibly stupid move to use another to do what has to be done. Just do it. YOU-- it is not going to kill you or your loved one. Don't ask anymore-- do it.

Imho, do not use your own financials for her mismanagement of her funds. Depending on the time frame of the fraud, too much time may have elapsed for her to claim that it was fraud as it typically is done by AFFIDAVIT.

The biggest question is when would your POA be "activated." That all depends on the document - as others have noted, you'll have to read it to see what, if anything, is specified.

You are in a rather touchy position. She hasn't been declared, but clearly is in over her head. If she is refusing and the POA specifies needing medical documentation, you're going to have to try to wear her down. Although you alternate weekends, could your brother be there to back you up? Document everything as simply as you can:
* total income for the month
* list average billing for all regular bills (utils, etc)
* list minimum for all the CCs

Tally the income minus the other two. If the balance is negative, make that plainly clear. If it isn't, show her how each minimum CC payment is only paying a small portion of the balance - the rest is eaten up by interest and fees.

Also, work on the potential fraud. IF you can call them from her phone and get her to agree to let you talk to them, you can discuss her options with them. Find out what she/you need to do to handle the fraudulent charges (for starters, the cards should be cancelled and if desired have a new card/different account number sent.)

Since she is "recovering" and you have care givers, perhaps you can approach the finances in that respect - let me help you get this all straightened out while you are recuperating. We can work on it together.

This is one area where sometimes dementia makes it a little easier. Not always - some have some battles when taking over finances. I had offered once to take it on, when she was complaining it was all too much. Immediate about-face, saying "It gives me something to do." More likely that should have been "It gives me something to mess up."! Fortunately mom's finances were not in bad shape. Previously I had spent a lot of time trying to balance her register (she waited way too long to ask me to do this!) Generally I will stick with it until I resolve all discrepancies, but it finally came down to a few dollars and some change. I decided I'd spent enough time on it and wrote that off.

For me the clincher was "The Year of the Neverending Snow." She lived in a condo and they had exceeded their snow removal budget, so they were hitting everyone up based on where in the complex their condo was. This was broken into 3 payments, to make it less painful. Hers was something like $239 per payment and she wrote a check for $2.39. I contacted the condo office and asked them to shred that check and I would send the correct amount. After I took over, I discovered she was adding a tip to the monthly newspaper bill (Sunday paper only) AND was writing a check out to the delivery man too! He would leave an envelope with the paper. She would forget that she added tip to the payment. He got something like $70 in less than a year. Needless to say, he didn't get another tip...

In her case, once I took the checks and put temp forward on her mail, she more or less forgot about it. For a while I let the statements go to her, but she was messing those up (she would file the pages separately, sometimes tearing the pages in half.) That combined with digging out old papers and confusing me with statements about people dying and leaving her money (1099 said Death Benefits!), I asked YB to take her out for a bit and I would "sweep" the place. By then I knew where most papers were, so I just grabbed them all and bagged them! All was good until the yearly insurance bill arrived - I'd missed that with the temp forward. She requested checks, which were sent to me. She requested again and they told her I had them. Never said a word to me!

BTW, none of the billers (utils, water, RE tax) ever asked for the POA. I just had them change the billing address and used the online system to pay them (not the auto payment, I don't care for that myself!)