For some, this situation can be wonderful and rewarding. For myself it has not been a good experience.
I am an only child, both of my parents were also only children (how bizarre is that!), so our dynamics and situation may be a little different than others. No relatives. I am divorced with two adult daughters who have their own lives, and so they should!
My father passed away 5 years ago, at the age of 97. Mom spent the last 5 years of my Dad's deteriorating health as his caregiver. It was not easy for her and many times she was on the brink of exhaustion and a meltdown. I did what I could and was heartbroken during this time. Although I did not agree with their choices during these difficult years, they would not listen to my suggestions (both very stubborn and set in their ways). However, eventually agreed to occasional in-home nursing. But Mom "always did everything better". My parents are European immigrants, sadly I believe pride had too much influence on their decisions.
When Dad passed, Mom crumbled. Mom is 96, no medical issues whatsoever! (healthier than me no doubt, her 65 year old daughter), other than hearing loss, which I am on top of...ie. updating her hearing aids. regular check ups etc. I do realize how lucky I am not having to deal with the health issues so many of you have to endure...my heart goes out to you!!!!
After Dad's passing I had the brilliant idea of Mom and I moving in together. I envisioned fun outings of lunches, brunches, shopping, laughing and enjoying our time together.... mother and daughter things which we never did, time to catch up I thought? We sold our homes and purchased a lovely home and did some renovations so we could have our "own apartments", under one roof. From day one..... making it very clear that we would live our own lives, and we would not be roommates. The plan was to enjoy each other's company but still retain our individual independence.
Fast forward 4 years....this never happened. Mom has become dependent on me for everything. She needs me to be at her side 24/7, and if I am not tears flow and doors slam. If I want to go out for anything without her, she cries, then phones me asking when will I be home. My social life came to a halt. I tried, but the awkwardness of socializing in my home just wasn't worth it anymore. I have read hundreds of posts on here, especially with respect to setting boundaries.....which I have to do on a daily basis...it is exhausting! It just never sinks in.
I make our meals (although she has her own kitchen), take her to every appointment you can imagine (all preventative), take her shopping, out for dinner 1x a week, walks, look after our home, etc. It's never enough, she needs me to be at her side or she is miserable. I am officially a prisoner in my own home. My social life has now dwindled down to having my daughters and grandkids over (which I cherish), but on several of these occasions she feels she isn't receiving enough attention from me and "crawls into her shell", or even worse vocalizes that "why does he/she hate me". My gosh, there are so many insane situations over the past years. It is a nut house here!
I have tried to get her involved in social groups with other seniors. Only one worked out, which resumes mid-September, once a week...my only break, 2 hours to myself! I take her to Church and senior socials, she doesn't talk to anyone, I have to do the talking. I have encouraged her to have friends over for coffee but she doesn't engage in conversations, leaves it to me so I walk away hoping to encourage her to participate. She has no interests other than watching local news and CNN, how depressing. She doesn't play cards, Bingo, watch movies, listen to music, nothing, Other than occasionally reading or knitting which lasts no more than 30 minutes. I seem to be her only interest, and it is exhausting. I have always been an optimistic healthy person but anxiety and other symptoms have taken their toll.
Sorry to vent!?
I did not realize when I started caring for Mom that I set boundries from the beginning. When she could no longer drive, I set up one day a week to shop and run errands. Actually Mom was used to this kind of schedule but if had been my MIL (TG we never had to care for) shopping was a daily thing. Dr. visits were around my schedule. We live in the same town so if she needed something like a prescription, I would pick it up when I was out and about. When she had to come and live with me, I placed her in daycare 3x a week. The bus picked her up at 8am and dropped her off at 3pm. After the first day, she wanted me to take her. Daycare was in the next town so 18 miles round trip. No, does not sound like much but it took almost an hour out of the time my DH and I had time to do things. He saw no problem, I was the one that said "No you have a bus that can take you" She ended up enjoying the ride to and from to the point she felt the driver was her boyfriend. He was really nice "How are you doing today Mrs. E". Came right to the door to get her and drop her off.
You can not be everything to someone. You can understand where Mom is coming from being 96 but you do not need to cater to her.
I insisted that there will be respite every week for me and I had aides come in from the beginning.
People are strange in that they don't realize you can acknowledge costs and still have no regrets about choices, but that is another discussion.
Mom is in end stage. I feel that when she dies, I will be a mess for a couple of weeks and then start to re-learn more normal life skills.
She only wants to lie in the bed and yell for me constantly because she wants me to sit in her room with her.
When I do get out a few hours a week, she is obsessed with when I'm going to return and sometimes will get so mad that I'm gone that she will treat the sitter terribly and refuse to get out of the bed at all.
My mother's needs have surpassed anything formerly that brought me joy. I've given up even trying to pursue building my business (I'm a certified personal trainer), enjoying my previous hobbies, spending time with friends, etc.
The only real satisfaction that I have now is knowing that my mother is receiving the best care that I can give her, even though she really doesn't appreciate it - she expects it.
I did in-home caregiving for almost 25 years. I have had many clients like your mother.
When she is behaving abusively to the sitter, the sitter needs to know that's it's okay to speak up. Her age does not excuse abusive behavior towards the sitter who did nothing wrong. When I had clients like her they would be told plainly that I do not tolerate abusive behavior and there would be a period of ignoring. Sometimes for the entire shift. I didn't care who threw a tantrum or started crying. I always kept an eye on them to make sure all that was going on was a tantrum, but I never played games with any of my clients.
You should not be playing her games either. You have every right to go anywhere you please and stay out for as long as you please with no explanation to your mother.
Also, you do not have to sit in her room with her all day long either. Let her yell. Let her have a tantrum. Ignore her the same way you ignore child having a tantrum. If she is safe, pay her no attention when she is acting up.
You should start getting out of the house a lot more. Bring in more homecare sitters. If your mother behaves abusively to them, you let her know that you can place her in a nursing home any time you want. So she has to keep her behavior in check.
Also, maybe her doctor will prescribe something to help with her anxiousness and anxiety. It could really help.
My mom (91) lives in an AL community and just waits for me to entertain her, take her to my home for dinner. I am indeed her everything. It is exhausting. Emotions can run from resentment to guilt, and love to fury. I try to remember that getting to 91 was done by my love, my attention, my care.
Remember, her ability to reason and be reasonable doesn't get better with age.
Hang in there. Carve out time for yourself daily.
Ask yourself this question. What happens to your mother if you die?
She goes into care facility. Something like 50% or so of caregivers die before the person they are caregiving for.
DO NOT allow her to follow you around because a 'shadowing' habit will form. If you have to be a little bit harsh to get her to stop with the following, do it. She'll get over it. Better than letting a shadowing habit establish itself.
when you're working, do not answer her calls.
You're letting her dictate the terms of how you will care for her. It doesn't work like that. YOU are the one who decides how the caregiving situation is going to work.
Socialization is so important for people at every age. Your mother like many elderly people will refuse to go out or to places like the senior center or adult day care. If she lives with you, it is not her choice. Make the senior center or adult day care two or three days a week part of the conditions for continuing to live with you. Make getting hearing aides and not waking you up early part of the conditions to continue living with you.
Regardless of her hatefulness, you are the one in charge. So either mother learns how to play nice and be cooperative or she will be getting placed.
PS. when you're out with your daughter, you do not take her calls. Let it go to voicemail.
in quick sand !
When you go to see the AL, ask if you can have a meal there. I may pick lunch if that is their large meal. Tell her it does not need to be a permanent solution but she does need to give it a chance. I might even ask if the have any entertainment coming in. If soon, pick that day to go. At Moms they had a guy that sang 40s and 50s music. If she excepts a trial, you give her time to adjust. Tell her the staff is there for her. She is nice, they will be nice. Not saying don't visit, just not for long.
You DO NOT have to live like you are. Lay down some rules with your mother. Refuse to be her 24/7 companion. You have to have a social life that is separate from her. Let her throw as many tantrums and she wants about it. Let her cry about it all day long.
IGNORE her.
I'm going to let you in on an interesting little fact. Something like 50% of caregivers die before the person they are caregivers to. This is because of exhaustion and total hopelessness. What happens to your mother if something happens to you? Think about that.
Also, never mistake senior stubbornness for pride. It is not pride. It is unreasonable, ridiculous, childish, asinine often unsafe nonsense. That is what it is.
Call up some friends and go out to dinner. See if any of your friends is having a picnic this holiday week-end. Then you join them. Join a book club. Anything that gets you out of that house and away from your mother. Leave mom at home watching CNN. Ignore her reaction to you going and her reaction when you come back. Pay her zero attention when the behavior starts up. Let the tears flow and the doors slam. Ignore her. Let her "crawl into her shell" and stay there. It's an act. A senior brat tantrum to get attention and her own way. Believe me, I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years. I have seen every kind of senior brat tantrum there is and you handle them all the same way. I could write the book on it (and nearly did here. I apologize LOL). It's the same as a child who has a tantrum then holds his breath, or gets down on the floor in public, or stamps his feet. What do you do then? You ignore them and walk away. Then they stop. You have kids so you know that when there's a tantrum, giving in to them, threatening, and trying to bargain with them doesn't work. Ignoring does.
For your sake and your mother's, STOP PLAYING HER GAMES! Both of you will be better off if you do.
My mother puts on the same tear-filled performances as yours. It's all cable news with everything gloom and doom. Only she's 11 years younger than your mom.
She knows that there will be zero attention from me when she starts up. I couldn't care less about the tears and the instigating because it's a show to get attention. I'm leaving after the new year because enough is enough. You may want to consider relocating too. If not you must learn to ignore.
I moved into my parents' home so they can age in place together for as long as possible. My mom is in her 4th year of dementia and my Pop has some mobility limitations. They have been married 64 years.
There is tension in our home, mostly between me and my Pop as we try to make the best decisions for my mom. A daughter's decision for her mother and a husband's decision for his wife can differ drastically.
WE FORGIVE A LOT.
I PRAY A LOT. I pray for the strength and wisdom to love my parents in a way that honors them.
I love the idea of assisted living, especially if it provides an opportunity to heal a strained relationship or build a peaceful relationship that has yet to exist.
I pray you find peace and are able to grasp the hope of a new beginning.
Nope, not going to do it. Well finally she had a slight stroke, she was afraid to stay alone at night, my brother & I scooped her up, moved her to Florida and into AL she went.
Well, don't you know, she loves it, new friends, she teaches sit aerobics, does activity planning and more.
So she says "I wish I had done this 10 years ago, I am with people my own age and I do not have to lift a finger"!
Groan!
This site taught me, long after she’d died, that first, there are more often than not NO GOOD, COMPLETELY POSITIVE SOLUTIONS when attempting to arrange a life for someone else,
and second, when something is making YOU, as CAREGIVER, unable to live comfortably within YOUR LIFE, you MUST be the agent of change.
Do your research. Find a cozy, pleasant, welcoming spot near enough to you so that you can, within your own plan, visit her.
Resume your life. All (ALL) of us “lonely Onlies” need our lives as we’ve chosen them, and so do our dearly loved parents.
I was shocked to see my mother blossom in HER new environment, and I’ll admit, I was a little chagrined at the fact that her caregivers thought she was the cutest, sweetest thing ever, AND SHE LOVED THEM JUST AS MUCH!
You tried, it didn’t work out, TIME FOR PLAN B!
Your comment that your mother blossomed in her new environment made me very happy!!!! I have had discussions with my Mom recently entertaining the option of her possibly considering a Retirement Home. I envision her blossoming as well. We are taking baby steps and hoping this will become a reality. She has a laptop, (Oh sure it is disaster at times, lol), but she did search out a Retirement Home which seems to interest her. We will be going for a walk-through soon.
It would be wonderful to resume living again, and to have Mom surrounded with a flurry of activities. Plan B....hoping.
My dad also passed away in 2016 @97 years old. In 2021 I became moms caregiver. Can't go into details about why. I completely understand what you're dealing with. Giving up your life is not easy&trying to make a parent happy is difficult. [[Hugs]]
Here is an aging care article on shadowing.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/shadowing-behavior-in-dementia-470434.htm
Also go to the magnifying glass 🔍 at the top of the page and enter shadowing. You will see many threads on this behavior including the one I posted.
Answer to question: I sure do regret it!! Should have had my parents go into AL instead of moving into my house. HUGE mistake that I'm still paying for.
Wow, your mom is doing her best to keep you by her side 24/7.
She won't like any of my ideas, but you are going to have to set some very firm boundaries and start reclaiming your life! She doesn't have to like it, but YOU don't like how things are now soooo time to make yourself happier! You certainly deserve it.
Assuming she has some $, you need to start hiring her a playmate. She needs an aid to come do things with her so you can do whatever you want to do with your time that does NOT involve your mom. It might be someone to come to her apartment or she needs to go to adult daycare. Or even better, maybe she needs to be in assisted living. Might need to sell your shared home so you can be under your own roof and mom can be somewhere where she gets meals and some company and some help. And you get your life back. And then you can visit her when it is convenient for you and not have her so horribly dependent upon you.
The way she is behaving makes me wonder if she has some form of dementia. My mom was similar to that when she was starting her journey. Couldn't/wouldn't make plans with anyone. Has no interests. etc. My mom used to get mad at me and storm off to her room and ignore me for a couple of days. I kinda enjoyed the silence while it lasted. Cruel but true.