My CR wife is 100% dependent on me as her anchor to her reality - I can not be out of her sight for more than a minute or 2. She takes all her queues for what to do from what I'm doing.
Dropping her off and slipping out the back is out of the question - she would wreak havoc on the GAL home, looking for me, and I'd die of guilt.
Trying to talk to her about the move at this point would be futile and traumatic, and have to be repeated endlessly.
The current plan is to volunteer at the home one day a week while on the waiting list in order to make friends and become familiar with life at the home. Her neurologist has provided guidance on titrating up a dosage of CBD/THC until we reach an optimal level of induced calmness. This is also required for visits to the clinics and possible visits with family.
So, looking for what has worked for others who have survived the transition from home to graduated assisted living.
At a living facility, my understanding is that at many of the facilities, they provide dolls, for their residents to carry around so that they feel that they have a connection.
Regarding CBD (nevermind the THC), each state is different and each facility is different on whether they allow it. Medical marijuana is legal in the state I'm in, however, due to the lack of research, many of the facilities don't want to administer it to an elderly patient, even with doctor's prescription because there hasn't been enough research done on elderly people to determine that there are no adverse consequences.
I personally would not volunteer at the facility while your wife is there. That will cause confusion to her (why are you helping these other people when you are my husband?)
After 6 months, my Mom has finally gotten comfortable knowing that I'm not "dumping" her in a facility. I visit her every day unless I'm taking a business trip. Sometimes the visit includes lunch and lasts for 5 hours. Sometimes it is just doing exercises and brushing her teeth (30 minutes). Major events (like when I leave and when I'm returning, her doctor's appointments, etc.) are all written on a "pocket" calendar that the nurse's can read to her. I bring her fruits that she does not get through their meals (e.g. sliced oranges, grapes, etc.) I try to make her feel that the only reason she is there, is so that I don't have to directly hire caregivers anymore.
Because my Mom never really understood how to use a smartphone or flip phone, we use Facetime (Apple) for her to get hold of us. The caregivers at the facility will help my Mom use her ipad to talk to my sister and any of the grandchildren.
Don't expect her to make new friends at MC. Most people on the MC unit are "locked" in their own world and many cannot speak and have lost the ability to relate to others.
The hardest part of this is not preparing HER for the transitions but preparing YOU for the transition.
She will have people around her to help her.
You are going to go from a home that had caregivers constantly. With the noise and "stuff" that is accumulated over the years of caring for someone. bins of ointments, briefs (aka diapers), wipes, gloves, extra bedding, possibly equipment that you have used, extra garbage cans, if the liquids need to be thickened then you have that product, and on and on.
The house will now be empty save for you wandering room to room wondering what's next.
She will transition easier than you will.
She will find another person staff or resident that she will shadow and look for cues. The staff is adept at making the transition easier for people. It might not be perfect, nothing in life is.
Remind yourself you are placing her in Memory Care because her needs are more than you can handle at home. Her safety is your priority. And probably as you have done you whole wedded life you are taking care of her needs over yours.
((hugs)) rest easy you have done your best. Now when you visit you can be a loving husband first not a caregiver first.
For those of you that are transitioning loves ones into an ALF or memory care, I found I book that has helped me tremendously regarding grief and guilt. I only wish I had found it before my mom's transition. You may find it helpful. "The Eldercare Handbook: Difficult Choices, Compassionate Solutions". Author: Stella Mora Henry, R.N. with Ann Convery.
That book may help YOU with guilt, not necessarily on 'how to' drop your wife off in the facility. Your best bet is to ask the administrator of the facility b/c they have been through such things many, many times in the past and have many ideas for you, I'm sure.
Sometimes in life, there is no 'perfect answer' to difficult situations. Sometimes, we choose the lesser of the evils, hold our breath, and take the plunge. This may be one of those situations for you. You know what you're doing will be the safest and best bet for your wife who has a disease that's robbed her of who she is, right down to the very core of her being. THAT is what we're sad about, and there's no fixing it, either. I dealt with my mother who suffered from dementia for a long time, and had her in a Memory Care AL where she was given excellent and compassionate/loving care for nearly 3 years. Guilt comes with the territory, but I knew in my heart it was the right place for her, and for me, and so it made it a bit easier to deal with the begging to 'go home' and all the rest of the heartache that goes along with dementia. It's the disease that makes this so hard, not the choice to place them in managed care. I hate dementia/AD with every ounce of my being because nobody wins when dementia is in the house. We all lose. It's the long goodbye that we deal with every day for years.
Bless you and all the best of luck to you.
When the transition happens, therefore, she will be going to a place that is familiar.
I am so sorry. We on Forum witness this grief daily; many have gone through it. I hope they reach out to you.