My mom is FINALLY in assisted living, as of 11 AM today! She is telling me that, at 79, she is like the youngest one around. I wasn't with her when she went to her meals or to the monthly birthday party so I don't know firsthand, but I was surprised to hear that. I do know that her neighbor is 89 and the lady across the hall is 99. But I didn't think 79 would be young for assisted living?
I told her Sunday, set up the apartment on Monday (while she was home with caregivers) and brought her over this morning. Sunday was bad but not a complete disaster. Monday morning was bad but the caregivers worked their magic and by the end of the day she was picking out things she wanted to bring with her and hugging my husband and saying thank you for all his work in setting up her new apartment. Wow!
I've had 3 calls this evening but not too bad. Of course the obligatory "I can't make the TV work call"!
Since she has just arrived she doesn’t know everyone yet. Has anyone on staff welcomed her and informed her of upcoming activities? She will have a chance to meet others at various times.
She was probably looking forward to seeing people closer to her age nearby her unit.
Is she interested in being social with other residents? Or participating in activities?
Suggest to her to speak to the staff about any of her concerns.
I think she will do social things. She already went to the monthly birthday party yesterday and had birthday cake.
My mom started out calling us all the time.
We told her, "Mom, you have staff now. Ask them".
She said "oh, I couldn't bother them".
My SIL said "Mom, for what you're paying each month, you HAVE to bother them!".
The average age is a little older than your mom according to some of the links on google. Consumer Affairs listed 84.
Your moms ALF is the one you want to know about if it would make her feel better to know. She probably has it figured out already just in looking around for someone she can relate to by appearances. My DH aunt will generally say she is 85 when in fact she is 96. Her roommate is 70. They get along great. As she gets to know them she may find it matters less to her that she is younger.
Sure any ages can get along just fine. I have friends all over the place, agewise.
Because my mom needs so much help and has mobility and incontinence issues, I've always felt that she was old for her age. So she'll probably fit in just fine. Once the catty ladies get over commenting on her age. Get over it girls! LOL
I know a very young 90 year old and I know many young 80+
I also know a few OLD 60 and 70 year old's.
It sounds like your mom might be one of the young 70-80 year old's.
As difficult as it is she should get involved in activities as soon as she can. When you next visit, or even go on line I am sure there is an activity calendar and a calendar of outings. Get her to join in.
Quite often a facility will have "ambassadors" that will help new residents get acclimated to the activities, introduce a new resident to other residents.
She went to a birthday party at the facility yesterday. One of our home caregivers might be taking her down to exercise class when she takes her client down. So I'd say she's off to a pretty good start. I'll try to push her to do more. Oh, they have bingo which she used to play a lot until she started being physically unable to access the facility.
The only good part of dementia, too, was that she kept getting younger in her head. By the time she died at 92, she thought she was 16 and in the peak of health, bless her heart.
My mother went into Assisted Living Memory Care at 78. There were a few younger, and a few older than her. 😎
MC at 78? OK, I feel better about regular AL at 79. I just remembered that my first FIL went into a nursing home for his early onset dementia back in the early 90s, before I'd every heard of MC, when he was still in his 60s. I guess it really is just dependent on their capabilities, or lack thereof, not their age.
It will be an adjustment but she needs to see she is getting her independence again. The staff are just helpers when she needs them. Your relationship will be better because you are no longer responsible for her total care. You can enjoy her as a daughter.
When I first got mom & dad into the AL that they wound up living in for years, Linda, their neighbor across the hall, was around 68 years old. She voluntarily moved into AL (can you even FATHOM such a thing??) with her little dog b/c she was tired of trying to manage her life and her migraine headaches alone. She loved being waited on, having a staff to look after her and her dog, and being served 3 meals a day in a beautiful dining room overlooking lush gardens. On the other end of the spectrum, other elders living there were 100 years old. It ran the gamut.
Your mother WILL look for every conceivable reason under the sun to complain and for why she 'doesn't belong there'. Just agree with her and change the subject, that's my advice. I'm glad to hear she's hugging your DH and thanking him for all his hard work in getting her set up. In time, she'll likely grow to love her autonomy and wonder why she fought it off for so long. Watch and see.
But don't expect the complaints to ease up........it's what they DO! And it runs the gamut from everything from the food (especially) to the behavior of the other residents.
Keep reminding mom to PUSH THE BUTTON or PULL THE STRING or whatever she needs to do to get the caregivers attention so THEY can help her instead of you. She's so used to calling YOU for everything, that she's still in that mode now that she's paying OTHERS to do for her! :)
I'll have to work on reframing this somehow so she doesn't believe the crazy notion that she's too young to be there! Um, yup, you NEED to be there. It's not about age.
Oh boy, my mom is an expert at complaining! Her favorite is to complain about every little ache and pain. Even though they're the same ones she's had for a loooooong time. We've tried meds, PT, etc. but some pain is just there. I really DON'T need to hear about it every day!
OK good idea to agree and change the subject when she trots 101 reasons why she doesn't belong there. Hmmm, interesting, mom.
She hasn't asked me for much. She gets 3 med deliveries a day and other assistance so hopefully she'll get most of her questions answered then. Though the likelihood of her remembering them at the right time is slim. But I will start saying "umm, I don't really know mom. You'll have to go out to the nurse's station and ask". Like the TV - I walked her through it last night but next time I'll tell her to ask the staff.
Anyway, to your question, I'd say 79 is not too young for AL. My LO needed full-on 24/7 nursing home care at only 75. Sad. She was so bad off that she was not a candidate for AL at that time and her condition never improved significantly to where she would ever, ever go to AL.
Sorry your LO needed so much care so early. But she's certainly not the first or the last.
Also, how different the residents are and their taste in where they choose to live.
We have several facilities in our area that have cocktail bars with fancy appetizers, pianists playing in the lobby, well prepared food, swimming pools, tons of activities and functions to attend if they wish. They have field trips scheduled and so on. Religious services are available for them. Hair salons too. I know of one that even has a guest suite for out of town visitors to stay in.
I often see the shuttle buses running around town.
Residents either participate with others or they choose a quieter lifestyle.
I think that it depends on the health of the individuals and their personalities rather than their actual age. There are young 80 to 90 plus year olds!
Yes there are many young acting 80 and 90 yo. My husband hunts with an 85yo. He's slowing down but damn. I have a friend my mom's age who is doing amazing. And and 83yo that still rides her horses! And then my mom who has no interest in staying active or taking care of herself.
Avg age at her facility seemed to be 85.
There was one lady who was 103 and still got around pretty well.
Feb 16, 2022 The average age of assisted living residents is 84. Though most facilities allow patients as young as 65, 52% of residents are over 85 and 30% are between 75 and 84.
Give your mom time to adjust and make some friends, get involved in activities, etc. Sounds like it's going well so far, but some bumps may arise along the way.
My Mom seemed to enjoy her private room and new freedoms when initially admitted to the NH, not so much by the time she needed MC; she's 88 now and has been in-care since we lost Dad just over 2 yrs ago.
Your mom is relatively young, depending on her health and cognitive status, but no spring chicken either and is certainly an appropriate age for AL. Hopefully, she'll be able to enjoy the activities, companionship and outings that many places offer.
Best -
Studies show that mental acuity, memory, etc., are increased by even 1/2 hour of light physical activity 3 xs weekly. hydration is also key.
My mom never looked her age. She didn’t have wrinkles. It’s in the genes because her mom didn’t have wrinkles either, nor do I.
Mom was vain. She dressed very stylishly. Grandma too. So did my great aunts. They never looked like they were home doing the wash.
Honestly, I think a lot of that generation came from the Hollywood glamour era. My mother didn’t even go and get the mail without her lipstick on!
One of my funniest memories is when mom’s ophthalmologist said to her that she had to remove her makeup before doing her cataract surgery. She wouldn’t listen to me about not wearing makeup. So, I let the doctor tell her.
My mom said that she couldn’t remove her makeup because she was being filmed! LOL 😆 The doctor had to explain that the film was only shown to the patient’s families in the waiting room area and that only the eyes are shown.
None of my great aunts had wrinkles. I do know that one of my great aunts drowned herself in Oil of Olay! LOL If I had a dollar for every time I bought a container of Oil of Olay for my mom, I would be rich!
My grandmother didn’t do anything special for her skin, just soap and water.
I was grateful to Barb here on AgingCare for giving me tips for removing her chin hair. Up until just about the end of her life in her hospice home she wanted her chin hair removed.
I’m thrilled you were able to get a possibly better situation for your mom, and def for yourselves, getting more help and your home back! I’m so glad you don’t feel guilty, and I truly hope your mom settles in and gets more and more comfortable, with time. She is doing fantastic, imho, already being social and hanging with new friends! That made me cry, wishing my folks could have been more open to other possibilities. I listen to our kids, so does my husband, appreciate their advice and suggestions, but in my family, mom and dad did exactly what they wanted….period, and no discussion. Until our kids were in their mid 30’s, I did not try realize how dysfunctional my primary family was and is. It’s jarring, but also, enlightening.
My two year younger sister suggested our folks check out a brand new asst. living home, 20 years ago, when they were our age. They refused to even consider anything, but their own home, but did not hold up their end of the bargain, for staying there. Eventually we relocated the three of them to a three bedroom, two bath condo, in tune with their needs, but so much smaller. Claustrophobic, and filling up too fast. And they rarely leave home, becoming hermits. 🥲
I love reading posts by folks who are making wise choices, hard choices, and it is turning out ok! My best wishes to your mom and your family.
My late mother had to go into a NH for several medical conditions and falls at age 93. She wanted to stay with me at our place forever and refused home help until more injuries forced her into a facility. Mom always put on makeup to leave her room for the dining room and some social fun. She even got her hair done until 6 months before her death at age 95.
I am only 67 and would like to join a Bay Area facility with three levels of care near where I live but don't have the financial means to move. I also live where no relatives exist but still cannot relocate until further notice. Likely be forced into a facility similar to my late mother's situation. It takes Money, Honey!
Those little changes come so gradually and the lighting in my bathroom is not too bright. I am sure that the "old" lady in the store 10 feet away looks at me and thinks "at least I don't look like THAT. In a room full of 70 year olds, I am likely to have the first reaction that these people are so OLD, but then I have to reconsider and think that I am TOO.
Getting old is tough work. It takes some getting used to.
Mom seems to be adjusting to everything, including being the young one.