Being totally ignored by daughter and adult grandchildren. Advice?

You shouldn't have given money with strings attached. Either you wanted to help out with college or not.

If you had to move to assisted living then you obviously needed more care than your family could provide on their own. You made the right choice there.

I have 5 kids, 5 in law kids (whom I look upon as my 'own') and 14 grandkids ranging in age from 17 down to 3.

What do I expect from these amazing 24 people in the form of care?

NOT ONE SINGLE THING.

I didn't have kids so I'd have caregivers. I don't look at my grands like potential CG's. If I have a need that I can't handle, I 'might' throw it out there that I could use some help on Saturday for 2 hours--and I pay them in pizza and pop. If I have a need (this is far more likely) I HIRE someone to do the job.

Dh and I are currently beginning the retirement -size down process and while we still NEED about 2000sf so we won't be stepping each other's toes---I KNOW I do not want a lawn, a driveway to shovel, and tons of stairs. I'm thinking condo with a basement MIL apt for CG's should the need arise.

Over the years we have 'gifted' our kids money and time and we try to be as equal in that as we possibly can be. No monetary gift comes with strings. They owe me NOTHING, but to be decent people and to pay it forward.

I watched my own parents giving, giving, giving to 2 of their kids. It rankled my soul. They made bad decisions, one after another and mom would bail them out. I recently found out that mother had forgiven a $75,000 loan she'd made to YS. And reinstated her in the will. OB was given well over $200,000. He has since died. But his debt was ALSO forgiven and he was reinstated.

I had dental braces as a teen and it cost $1500. In mom's will there is a 'bill' for me of $1500 to the trust the repay the cost of those braces. I'm working hard to be forgiving of mom for the incredible PETTINESS of this.

Money should be carefully and thoughtfully distributed, With no attachments.

The way I feel about what my mom did is very painful and just goes to add to the feelings that I have always had that I am not only not a 'favorite' but that I am not even 'liked'. Good grief, I'm 65 and still having mommy issues.

With all due respect - I'd like to ask - what has your relationship and your husband's relationship been like with your daughter and your granddaughters not just recently but their entire lives? I'm not judging because I don't know you. I can only speak to why my children and their other cousins don't visit my FIL -but every single one of them have great relationships with their other grandparents. All of the grands are adults - college age/young adults. Every single one of them visit very infrequently because of the way he treats them. For the better part - if not all - of their lives - he has had little to no interest in any of them. His only interest in them has been in them paying attention to HIM. He never asks about them. He asks why they don't call him, but he never calls them. They can be in the room with him trying to talk to him and he ignores them. He will talk about other people's grandchildren with his own grandchildren in the room. He has no use for them. He literally gave his cleaning ladies - who no longer work for him and haven't in over 2 years - more for Christmas than he did his own grandchildren last year. When people ask if he has grandchildren he will generally mention his grandson, but rarely even mentions that he has granddaughters. But he wonders why his grands don't visit. He has NO relationship with them.

I'm not suggesting that is why your daughter and granddaughters don't visit you. I'm just suggesting there may be reasons they don't visit that you may want to consider. They may also just not visit - I don't know. But often we overlook very viable reasons that are right in front of us and sometimes as we get older we expect people to overlook our treatment of them throughout the rest of their lives because we think they should now be taking care of us. Again, I'm not suggesting that is the case for you, just mentioning that it happens frequently.

Have you talked to your daughter about her availability? Is she working full time? Is she a single mom trying to work and pay bills and her time is limited? Is it possible that you were asking for help when it didn't work for her? Is it possible that you phrased it in such a way that she was put off and didn't feel inclined to help because she felt guilted or forced to do so?

Honestly, I can say that in our case - with my mom - we would move Heaven and Earth to help my mom - because she rarely asks for help and she is always considerate of everything we have on our plate and ASKS rather than expects. FIL DEMANDS and has no concern for what else is going on in our lives and expects us to drop everything else to do for him and frankly half of what we do we do out of guilt and we resent it, but we do it because we have to. That sounds terrible - but he doesn't appreciate it. He expects it, he doesn't say thank you.

But you make one statement that may be the crux of your problem and only you know if it is the issue - "this is how they repay us". I think that is your sticking point. Did they know when you were raising them and when you were giving them money for tuition that you expected them to facilitate your care as you aged? I don't like that they don't visit, I don't like to see families that aren't able to support each other - but generally speaking there is some underlying reason for it that needs to be explored - maybe not on your end - maybe on theirs - but at the end of the day - you can't change their behavior. You can only change how you respond to their behavior. And a sure fire way to make sure their behavior gets worse is to tell them they owe you for something they didn't know they were expected to repay. So perhaps look at how you are approaching your daughter and have a discussion about just spending time together when she has availability - to just hang out - not to help - you have that covered. But just to get together and spend time together and see how that goes.

Sorry to tell you this but, you did exactly what you should have done.

Your daughter and granddaughters do not owe you care in your senior years because you chose to help them. Seriously, you think that a child raised by you owes you something? That disturbs me. They had no choice in being born, yet they suffered the heartbreak from not having a loving mom and dad. Then they find our that the grandparents that stepped up actually had future alterior motives? How heartbreaking. I wonder what kind of lesson they have learned.

Seniors needs do not trump everyone else's life. I am sorry that there are so many that believe that they can live their lives and then hijack the next generation to prop them up.

You have not really read what people are going through to provide the care, that for the most part, has been forced on them. They are drowning in their parents needs and come here to be supported in their lives, because they don't really have one thanks to their parents deciding what they will do.

I for one applaud your family for creating and enforcing boundaries that made you have to own your own life. You demanded more than they were willing to pay.

You should reach out, tell them that you love them and stop reminding them of the things that you did for them and I bet you will be surprised how they act. Nobody wants to have everything that someone did for them shoved in their face as a weapon of guilt.

I’m sorry for your hurt in this. And I hope you can get to a place where the relationships improve. Start by not expecting anything, keeping the communication open without any criticism or judgement, and being positive

You know.... people get busy with their life and tend to repeat the same routines over and over, that's why we have such a hard time with milestones because they are a wake up call that time is getting away from us. If you want to be a part of your family's lives you need to find a way to connect in a friendly, non judgmental way - pick up the phone for a weekly chat, send a funny email, invite them for coffee or take them out for a meal. I get that you think it's their turn now, but that's cutting of your nose to spite your face kind of thinking - ask yourself which is more important, being top dog, or being part of their lives?

I am truly sorry, but our children do indeed have their own lives,and are often, with jobs, friends, children, and activities very busy with their lives. I think it is important also to provide a loving space for visits in which there is positivity and love; that always makes people more willing to spare time for us. My own children live nowhere near me, but in fact several states away, so while we can travel once a year to see one another and can talk on the phone or shoot off messages to one another. And again, I assume they have their own lives, friends, family, neighbors, activities, and jobs. I don't feel they owe me anything. I chose to have children. It was I who owed them to raise them the best that I could, and provide as well for them as I was able. Now it is for them to pass that forward to their own children, and so on down the line.
I hope you enjoy where you are living and have found friends with whom you share generational activities and talks that you enjoy.

I'm in your corner Squill. Most of the writers are not giving you support. But I am. My mother lived a mile from me. I had a job and was busy. Did I take care of her. Of course. She was my mother. I wouldn't have another mother. I was glad to help her.

Perhaps I have a bit more sympathy for you, because I think that you are missing some love and friendship as much as care. You have coped with the care need by moving into AL. You can organise shopping on line or with transport, so you probably don’t actually need your daughter and her children to do ‘jobs’ for you. It’s quite possible that asking for ‘help’, and resenting it not coming, is what has alienated them in the past.

If you want to turn it around and try for some love and friendship, can you think of ways to start it yourself? An immediate change to ‘gush’ will sound false, but you can start off by sending a card or two, or an email with a joke (our jokes site has about 2000 of them). “I’ve just discovered this, I thought you might like it too”. Not money, or anything that you expect something back for. You can build up a relationship if you are willing to try. Try not to let it stick in your throat – you really have tried to help in the past, don’t write it all off now. Good luck, Margaret

Look I'm not unsympathetic believe me. I even feel bad for my FIL on occasion and frankly he truly doesn't deserve it. I do feel bad for OP. My point wasn't to make her feel bad. My point was just that she can't change her daughter or her granddaughters behaviors. The only one that she can change is herself. I was encouraging her to look at their relationship and see if there was any possibility that they might have a reason not to spend their time with their family. I'm not suggesting it is OP's fault at all. But I don't think she will close the gap by blaming them. I think the only way she will be able to mend the relationship is to approach them in love. If she tries to make them feel guilty she runs the risk of pushing them away. I'm not placing blame on OP.

You have a daughter and two adult (college-aged) granddaughters. None of the three are available to you. That's three people who don't help out, or call, and who pretty much ignore one person. You.

There's a reason for this. The reason isn't all three of them. It's you. Get together with your daughter and don't talk. Listen to her without being judgmental and without any attempts at guilt-tripping over raising her daughter or how the other does nothing to repay what you gave her for school.
Talk and then listen. Then you'll learn the reasons why your daughter and granddaughters blow you off.

I am so sorry you have not found kindness when you are are ur weakest.
I watched my mom break many of her own families dysfunctional cycle and always be present in her daughters (there are two of us) and grandchildren’s lives. She made time for them and every activity and contributed to many of not most every expense - it brought her joy and she was proud of what she built and instilled in her grandkids - since her stroke - my sister and her two boys are not active in her life unless she reaches out - her granddaughter who “loves” unselfishly is 100% in her life - they are all in another state - her granddaughter asks about her every few days - send her sweet mail and cards and silly packages - she FaceTimes her and does crosswords or just chats with her and encourages her. There is no difference in my mom - it’s who they are. People make time for things important to them - before her stroke it was important for Nanz to fly them to her Florida condo on the beach to see her - now not so much.
Im not sure your relationship with your family - but we all have some dysfunction - even if some of us won’t admit it - none of us are perfect.
But you should feel hurt if you brought your family up with love and values and they think their lives are too busy for you - I’m sorry they are not there for you but don’t ever let that change who you are in the world. I hope somewhere you find others that you meet along the way that value time with you as you do with them 🙏🏼💛

When a person gives a gift, they don’t expect to be paid back. A loan is paid back, sometimes with interest.

I hope you are satisfied with your assisted living facility. The AL facilities in my area are lovely. Some even have happy hour!

Invite your family over to spend time with you, if you wish to see them. Smile and tell them that you are delighted that they came.

I absolutely adored my grandma and grandpa. I have wonderful memories of the time we spent together.

Kids today are not like in my generation - and I'm in my 60's. I know each generation makes a similar comment, but when I was young I saw older people taking care of THIER elders. Common to see a g'ma living in the home with my friends. I enjoyed visits with my grandmother and would have taken her in to live with me in a heartbeat if she had needed help. She passed before she was unable to live independently - and she was one hard-headed, hardworking, independent woman.

Each generation tried to do more for their kids than they had growing up. What we have now is too many kids who have no idea how hard it is to earn a dollar. They have no idea how much love and hard work went in to making a quilt. Not all, but a LOT have been raised to be takers. You raised one 10 yrs and paid for college for another. First and foremost, I would never have even approached my grandparents about needing money for school. I knew if I was going to college, I had to figure it out on my own. So I worked FT and paid as I went.

I have no idea if there is other issues in your family that created a divide or if they just weren't raised to think about the welfare of others. All I can say is if you have friends or other family members who visit, call, take some of their time to be in your life - show appreciation to those folks. Too many in a family do zippity do-dah for others, but have their hand out in the end because they believe they are owed something simply because of a bloodline. If there's nothing to put in their grubby paw, it's possible they will learn you rewarded the ones who showed the most care and concern.

Be glad that you moved to assisted living. Depending on others is a lot of wasted time waiting on something to happen. Much easier to push a button or make a phone call and know someone will respond. Meet new friends and their families. Get involved in the community where you are. Don't dwell on those who don't take time to check in on you - you're the only one that will be miserable with those thoughts. Be kind when they visit - just as you would be to any acquaintance that visits. Invest yourself in those who invest in you. Bless you, dearie. Sometimes things (and people) don't turn out quite like we would have liked.

I followed Marydys’ suggestion and looked up ‘estranged adult children’. Most was written by the adult children, and it sounded as though parents couldn’t do anything right. Some parents clearly hadn’t treated children as adults (including being able to make their own decisions about various forms of abuse). But when children behaved badly themselves, it was the parents’ fault for the way they brought them up. Heads I win, tails you lose.

For example, bad parents disapprove of adult child’s spouse. What about the adult children who disapprove when divorced or widowed parent marries again? It's not uncommon. Could it be possible that the adult children aren’t treating their parent as an adult? I have a friend who has spent years on-and-off caring for grandchildren because their parents are in jail or Welfare has removed the children for neglect. Her beef is that the social workers are so keen on keeping the parent-child bond going that the girls hear nothing bad about their parents, and think that the grandparents are too critical and keep stealing them.

We all have problems. There can be few of our posters whose entire family members behave as well as we would wish! Whatever we do wrong, it’s not surprising that many of us get a bit narked.

I will do EVERYTHING possible to avoid needing my children to help me with chores, or especially caregiving. I would not wish the job of caregiving for a parent on my worst enemy.

I once requested an ethics committee reflect on why family members distance themselves from one another after such close affiliation over many years.
The response was as illuminating as it was deflating:
"We all possess the right of discernment".
I am saddened by the avoidance shown by your daughter/granddaughters - but more for their loss as they place their immediate needs over caring about (as distinct from 'caring for') their parents/grandparents respectively.
Perhaps the close proximity of dwellings may have given rise to some expectation for more interaction than felt necessary or reasonable (they do have their lives to lead also).
Even if you could enforce their undivided attention, would you really feel satisfied if not given of their own volition?
Try to accept their shortcomings and take an interest in their lives regardless. If you can be there for them emotionally, attitudes will surely change in time.

marydys,

It's not about what is the trending phenomenon known as 'cancel culture'.
It's right to terminate a toxic relationship that is bad for you. That's not 'cancel culture'. That's self-preservation and common sense.
Let me tell you, It's ALWAYS about how someone treated you when they (parent, grandparent) were the adults at the time when you weren't.
Every adult is responsible themselves alone for how they behaved within their own family towards their kids and grandkids. Husbands, boyfriends, whoever don't decide this. You do.
No one should ever expect to get more then they gave.
Being elderly, needy, and lonely does not entitle a person to a thing from their family. How much they gave of themselves when they weren't elderly and needy or what they invested in their family life decides how much adult kids and grandkids will try to help with care when the time of need for it comes.
Many times it isn't possible for a family to take care of a needy and elderly parent or grandparent. That happens too and family will try in other ways.
No one, not a husband, or boyfriend, decides what your relationship was with a parent or grandparent. Not even a sibling because brothers and sisters don't all have the same experience growing up in the same family together. Or even in the same house.
No one knows what's in another person's heart or mind.
If someone doesn't think they owe a parent or grandparent who is elderly and needy, they're right more times than not.

Congratulations for doing the right thing & moving into Assisted Living with your husband!!!

My husband & I together have 7 children. Just last night we again reaffirmed that we will NEVER move in with any one of them, nor will we expect them to wipe our butts or take care of us in our old age. Why should they have their lives ruined with the care & management of US? They shouldn't.

We had our children because we wanted to. We took care of them and helped them grow into responsible members of society because that was our job; the job we TOOK ON willingly when we decided to have children. We spent all kinds of money and took on all kinds of jobs in order to support our children and to help them with college. We wanted to. Now that we have grandchildren, we help take care of them and babysit them because it's a JOY to do that! To watch them grow and thrive and to smile when they see us! Not so they can 'repay' us for anything.

Our children 'owe us' nothing, nor do our grandchildren.

In fact, it's WE who owe THEM. For allowing us the privilege of raising them and loving them and helping them become the wonderful people they are today, God bless them. For helping US become the people WE are today, by being parents to them!

When we reach the point that we need diapers and are babbling about gibberish, we will either move into Assisted Living ourselves or swallow a bunch of pain killers washed down with a good bottle of whiskey and say adios to this life, and hello to the next one. Because when enough is enough, then it's time to say goodbye instead of ruin our children's lives by saddling them down with US.

I'll say it again: Congratulations for doing the right thing. Pick up the phone and call your granddaughter and tell her you love her. Do the same thing with the rest of your family members & don't ask them for a single thing. Just say "I love you." And tell them how wonderful it is at the Assisted Living place you're living at and how delicious the food is!

You may be surprised at what comes of it.

When you feel entitled, you wind up getting nothing. When you feel grateful for what you have and expect nothing, everything you DO get feels like a huge gift.

Just today Fedex pulled up with a big box I was not expecting. It was a rosebush plant in a ceramic pot from my son & his wife for Mother's Day. I was flabbergasted because I was not expecting it. What a nice feeling that was!

I'm sorry you feel shortchanged by your family. I hope things change & they start calling you & coming to visit you at the AL soon. Best of luck.

Squill - I'm sorry your daughter and grandchildren weren't/aren't helpful. I can tell you are hurt by their behavior and I feel for you. Maybe you feel unloved and unappreciated.

I learned, through years of therapy by different therapists, that nobody can MAKE you feel anything. You choose how you feel. We deserve to have our feelings but sometimes we need to let them go so we can move on and be happy.

Does your AL facility have a social worker you can speak with?

Have you made friends where you live now?

I hope you find a way to fill your life with new friends and activities in such a way that you won't spend your golden years allowing negative emotions weigh you down.

Prayers for you and your husband.

I bet when you posted you didn't think you'd get these answers.

The people who have answered you are Caregivers in some way. And a number of them have trouble with parents understanding that they have lives. That the parent cannot expect to be the center of a childs life. They are married with husbands, children, jobs. If retired, they now have time to travel, see the grands.

What did you expect from your daughter? Does she work? Have you asked for help and were turned down. How were you turned down. I find in reading peoples stories on this forum that parents forget how full their lives were when they kept a house, took care of the children and held down a job. Took kids to their extra-curricular activities. Did you take care of your parents?

I wish years ago I had been frank with a friend of mine. She had numerous health problems. She had a passive-aggressive personality. "Oh its so nice to be here with my boys because I rarely see them and their families". She "expected" and when it didn't go her way, she sulked. She wouldn't take the Senior bus. She wouldn't get an aide from Medicaid. There was always an excuse why she couldn't do it.

Be honest with yourself. You are in an AL because there are things you could no longer do for yourself or for your husband. Did you expect your daughter to do what you no longer could so you could stay in your home. Or maybe you raised a selfish child.

You did a good thing moving to an AL. You now have some socialization. Activities, outings and entertainment. Maybe reach out to daughter. Tell her you'd love to see her and the girls. Be an up person. If they don't respond, just try to except it. Send birthday and Christmas cards. Maybe, when allowed, invite them to come and have lunch at the AL and see your new place. Your life will be so much better if you except "this is the way it is". Enjoy what you have now. An "up" attitude is so nice. You know when my friends family finally came around, when she was dying. The last few days.

I took care of my parents for a bazillion years. My daughters said to me, “Mom, when you get old, we will care for you like you did for grandma.” I told them, “Like h*ll you will! That will NEVER happen in a million years because I love you too much!”

At first they looked a bit puzzled but then looked at me and said, “We appreciate that mom. Thanks.” I said, “You are welcome. We never have to talk about this again. I want nothing more than to see my two beautiful daughters living life for themselves.”