I posted this under medications, but I didn’t get a lot of feedback and wasn’t sure if this area is a tad more busy? Forgive me, I am new. I am dealing with this with my mother. Was addicted to fiornal for many many years with headaches. Then when my grandma passed she moved close to me and we finally got her into rehab for it. She did great and said she had a whole new way to deal with pain and other outlets to help her. Fast forward months later and she has neck surgery, and got addicted to Diludad. Doctor wouldn’t prescribe anymore so she went to her regular doctor and now he gives her Oxycontin. She abuses it and runs out 2 weeks before (like right now) and then goes to urgent care for a new prescription till the doctor renews hers. I’ve gone to her Drs with her and therapist, and my husband has come (she is a Paramedic so sees his happen all the time). And the doctors basically say they won’t refill it early and if she is in pain she is in pain. She stated 1 doesn’t work for her anymore so she takes 2. Chances are she takes up to 6/day. We are building a new home and she will have a casita type area for us to be near her. But I’m so severely depressed having to deal with a mother like this. I am 38, she is 68. Please, Advice? Added: She hasn’t left her place in 3-4 days to go outside and is hiring people to come walk her dog outside. She also has asked us several times to go get her excedrin and I’m not. I cannot be part of this vicious cycle anymore, as I know any day now it will be refilled and it starts all over again.
Here's the thing, if she is really in pain she does need something to help, chronic pain robs you of quality of life as much as drug abuse. She is addicted, her behavior is testament to that. That she cancelled pain management clinic is a huge red flag that there is no pain. They are the experts at getting pain under control. They will never cold turkey a patient, it can cause serious repercussions that they don't want. She is back in her addiction and afraid they will see this and start getting her off of any controlled substances.
Can you possibly keep her from moving into your back yard? This is not something you can help her with as long as she is in denial. If it was my mom, I would inform her doctor that she is using multiple providers for pain meds. Tough love. Far better then her over dosing in front of your son.
She is alone for a reason, think about it. You do not have to forfeit your home and happiness trying to make her happy. She alone has to make those choices, set boundaries and stick to them. She will wiggle and worm, you know what I mean. Let her. 1st boundary - you can't live at our home as an addict, not for one minute. Don't let her in, give her a list of local facilities that can help her get clean. 2nd boundary - you can not live with us until you have been clean for 1 year, 2 years? Your choice. 1st indication that you have relapsed and you are out of here.
I have a narsisist for a dad and I know how hard it is to say no and stick to boundaries, my life and family are so much better when I make him responsible for the consequences of his choices.
God be with you and your family during this difficult time.
I hope you can find some joy with your new house, it is something that should be a happy time, don't let her take one more moment of joy from you or your family, it's selfish of her.
On a bigger picture note, I'd also seriously reconsider the new home build with her so close by. When she's that close, unless you build some strong emotional boundaries, her problems become your problems. It sounds like she's unable to drive? If so, that's an added burden on you, as she's dependent on you for everything. She needs to be in assisted living or independent living where she's more on her own and not so entwined with your life. She'd also be around others her age and have more outlets for interactions.
I have no experience with drug addiction in a parent, but I do have experience with a parent and alcoholism. Does your mother also abuse alcohol? It doesn’t matter if she never has, you could still benefit greatly by going to an Al-Anon meeting. It was created shortly after AA when it was discovered that the family of the alcoholic needed help also. The only requirement for membership is that you have been affected by someone else’s drinking. I just went to their website and read that they welcome family or friends of drug abusers too, as often alcohol and drug abuse go hand in hand, but not always.
At 68, your mother is still young and able to get these drugs easily as you described in your post. You cannot control her drug taking, and now in her “casita”, with no worries, I can imagine she will be able to stay drugged there until she runs out again. You used the words “addict” and “abuse” to describe your mother’s actions, so she has become a drug-addict. That term sounds awful, but is the truth, and from what I read, prescription drug addiction is an epidemic in the USA.
Where does this leave you, who are so obviously suffering from someone else’s substance abuse? That I don’t know, but I do know that trying to control a substance abuser is impossible and can make you crazy and depressed. Look up Al-Anon online and read some of the introductory information. Substitute “drug” for alcohol and see if you don’t identify. Go to a meeting. I bet that there is one close by. You will find some answers there from people with experience. They may be able to give you some more concrete advice, but what they won’t do is teach you how to control another’s substance abuse. That doesn’t mean that you still don’t love and care for your mother. YOU will learn about addiction and its effect on YOU, and how YOU can live with peace of mind no matter if the loved one continues drinking or taking drugs or not. Sorry for the caps, but Al-Anon is for you, although as you begin to to see more clearly, you will be able to make better decisions concerning your mother.
May I ask WHY the house is in HER name (along with your husbands)? Did she put up some money for her share?
My son is a heroin addict, so I understand your problem.
I have tried to help him with conventional medicine (rehab-basic or fancy), unconventional rehab (a Mexican clinic that used peyote to have a psychedelic experience to stop the "craving", a half way house, etc. He refuses any and all help.
I have realized that he doesn't WANT to quit. He says he's terrified of the withdrawal (he's done it out of necessity when he "ran out" of drugs.) He's gone to the Methadone Clinic but actually that's harder to come off than other narcotics.
I've had to close my heart and stay away from him. It kills me to talk to him "high" or "nodded out". I feel like I'll vomit, have trouble breathing and be SO sad for days.
I would NOT suggest that your drug addicted mother move in back of you UNLESS she put up money to fund her portion. Then you're stuck. You could sell your new home and find something without a MIL unit.
Hun, they just won't listen to anyone. No matter how much screaming, begging or crying you do, it won't help. THEY have to want to quit. She doesn't want to because she cancelled the pain clinic appointment.
They can "guilt" us to do things for them but it doesn't seem that we can "guilt" them to stop.
Your mother, even if she doesn't do drugs, will ALWAYS have an addictive personality, so watch out. A relapse (like this one) can happen at any time.
By the way-I would call a Narcotics Anonymous group and ask if they have Narc- Anon. I'm sure they do. Everyone there knows how you feel. It good, free therapy.
We are in heartbreaking situations. Our loved ones have no control over their cravings due to physical addiction.
All I can say is distance yourself from her or it will rip your heart out and get you caught up in her disease.
See how she takes Excedrin, I'm sure the quantity she takes is double or triple the normal dose. She's desperate and would take anything.
At this point the only thing they love is their drug. It's a difficult situation because she's had surgery but you don't need narcotics after a week.
I'm sorry for us. 😢
I wonder if her fear about seeking help from a pain clinic is a fear that the narcotics will be cut off completely without offering any effective alternatives, we hear so often of people with chronic pain being caught in this all or nothing catch 22.
As for rehab, she went when I was a young/early teen and I had to go with her and say I was a “codependent”. She was taking fiornal at the time and then her and my dad divorced and she met a horribly abusive man in the program, and that ended. My grandma passed away about 2 years ago (she was living with her) and after that I had her move near me. She doesn’t have friends really or anyone there as her and her siblings don’t talk. When she got here I fought tooth and nail and she went to in-house rehab, got off the fiornal and then graduated to out patient. She said she found a new way to cope.
Then she had neck surgery shortly after and then came the new Meds. Her therapist wants her to go to AA (she doesn’t drink, but she said good people are at this one) and go to pain mgmt. She hasn’t and also cancelled the pain mgmt appt. said she was terrified.
I will look into the meetings here for myself, and my house as he deals with this just as much. I’ve been in tears today because I see her locking herself in the room (we are in two separate hotel rooms right now until the loan company fixes a mess). And I see her paying someone to walk her dog, asking the front desk to deliver her excedrin upstairs. It hurts because if I meant so much or my son to her, she would make an attempt to put all these Meds away. But she wants more surgeries with her neck and you know what that means, more pain Meds.
Oh my, when it rains it pours. Please let some OTHER family member take over the responsibility of your FIL. You already have too much on your plate with your mother.
If you are freaking out about living with your mom with her addiction (in this condition), you could sell the house and be done with it. Drastic step for drastic times.
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