He says our Mom only wants her own children to take care of her, not a nurse or caregiver. My brother is single, is an RN, and has no children. I’m married, have three very young children (that I’m trying to teach with distance learning), and am also exhausted. My husband and I offered to pay all the costs for my Mom’s care, but they will only accept care from me, personally. They say it’s my duty as a daughter. Am I being selfish?
Your children come first.
Maybe he wants you to so called "do your part". You can that with paying for her care too. If he's exhausted with her alone, adding in kids is even more work.
My dad is a handful, but I don't expect my sister in another state, with a job and children to take over. She's got enough on her plate.
You owe love if you were loved. Please give it, along with what help you feel able to. Only you know the business of your own life, how much time you can make, and where, when and how you have the time and resources to help.
Once you marry your responsibility shifts to your husband and then your children. Parents are to transition into a new way of life. Save money for their later years. Travel be involved with their friends. You are doing what you can. This is not being selfish.
I only had my grandson, 7, here last Spring and getting him ready and helping with virtual school was enough.
One option for mother is to take your life to her. Take your three children, take all their study books, and install all of you in mother’s room. Don’t hush the children, let them be as noisy as normal. Let them come with you and mother to the toilet or to wash – or close yourselves in the bathroom with a child complaining outside the door. A couple of kid fights or meltdowns would fit in well. Let your mother see in real time just how exhausting a day is for you, and how exhausting it would be for her if you really combined your life with hers.
This will be a dreadful day for you, but also for your mother. It may well encourage her to think again about what she really wants – on joint terms, not in her imagination of having you alone all to herself!
”They” refers to you brother and your mother? Is he coaching her? How old is she, and what constitutes “frail”?
If he is caring decently and respectfully for her, and/but complaining, I’d consider it his absolute right as her caregiver to complain his head off, with ZERO EXPECTATIONS that you will do anything.
”Oh my, Dear Brother, I TO-TA-LLY UNDERSTAND how hard it is to take care of our Dear Mama. ALMOST like taking care of THREE small children and a dear husband and a household, I imagine. Don’t forget, My Dear Husband and I have offered to pay for extra help when you decide caring for Mama becomes too much for you.
And PLEASE, take good care of yourself while you’re giving her your best. You’re important to her, just as I’m important to my Dear Husband and THREE Children”.
it’s hard being alone in the care - maybe even just being there for him - let him vent or send him something to let him know he is important and needs to care for himself. I have a husband - family and a business as well and it destroys me that my sister won’t find any time to just love on my mom. My mom have so much of herself to my sister and her kids her entire life - time - she made time for every game and dance recital etc In my eyes “everyone’s life is hard - life is hard”....but I do think everyone can find ways to give back with the gift of time. I’m not judging you - I’m just saying just take the time to drop a meal off once a month or schedule that he can get out that is from you personally. I don’t want my sisters money - nobody can replace her in the gift I know it will bring my mom.
be well and I hope you don’t feel judged as I’m just a sister who gave a lot of time to my sister and would love for her just to want to be here for me. We all need help from family.
guilty because you have other commitments.
It would be totally different if you were retired, no kids and were off on a vacation every other week.
You can offer to pay for caregivers. Although your mom should be paying for them and spending down her assets in case it comes to the point where she would need further care. He assets are what she saved her money for. (if she has no savings that is a different story)
You can offer to make a few meal. Make extra when you are cooking and portion them and freeze so all they have to do is heat.
You can offer to go shopping for them WHEN you are shopping for yourself.
YOU do what you can when you can do it.
If they refuse the help you offer that is on them NOT you.
He never came to see her nor called, and he has to live with that, but he did something and we were VERY grateful!
If he (or Mom) doesn't like the idea of Mom being cared for by strangers, that's too bad. We don't always get what we want, and sometimes having outside help is the best, or only, option.
It's brother who has the issues. If he doesn't choose to avail himself of your kind offer of help in any form, then it's HIS problem.
My YB has mother living with him. He will not allow ANYONE, family or not to help mother out. She really, really needs someone to clean for her. Simple enough, right? He's talked her out of letting me or my 2 sisters clean (and we're just talking light dusting and sweeping up after her filthy birds and sanitizing the bathroom) he blows a head gasket if we even bring it up--literally screaming at us. He has some serious problems with mom's care being 'jobbed out' but he won't let FAMILY help.
I stopped feeling selfish or guilty a long time ago. Mother won't stand up to him and say "I NEED my place cleaned, T and B are coming on Tuesday". She is scared of him, to be honest.
It's not selfish to put your family and yourself in first place. Giving when you have no reserves with which to give is a sure downhill ride.
can you work out a rotating schedule for caregivers?
if not, work it out on paper- with an additional person.
if he doesn’t want to do it, then he can pay for his days, you can pay for yours.
private paid caregivers are a blessing IMO.
Please don't let them play the guilt card on you here; let them know it won't work. What's important is that your mother's NEEDS are seen to, her 'wants' are secondary. I like to say that I want to win the lottery, I need air and food to live. Big difference, huh?
Wishing you the best of luck coming to terms with your REAL duties in life and letting all the rest of it go.
Please could you complete your profile, so that we know more about your own actual experience.
I suggest that you ask for a family meeting to discuss Mom's care. Ask your RN brother to outline all the care tasks that mom needs help with - should be super easy for him to do (I am an RN too). Let each family member decide which tasks her or she can help with and when. Any tasks that are not covered should have a firm discussion with mom "that nobody can do this for you." She will have to accept help from either a friend, member of faith community or paid help.
BTW, your brother is probably not comfortable with bathing his mom; a bidet attachment to the toilet would make bottom care a whole lot easier for everybody.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/brother-has-poa-for-our-mother-theyre-both-hoarders-i-want-her-to-live-with-me-he-wont-let-her-452376.htm?orderby=recent
At that point, you were willing to take her in. Are you still?
Are you selfish, no but if you read what you wrote and did not involve APS as suggested, you are being neglectful.