I have been taking care of my mother for 9 years and I'm tired, but my brother doesn't want to help. What should I do?

You may need to start researching assisted living and nursing homes for your Mom if you are no longer willing to be her primary caregiver, unless you research in-home care where she/you pay a direct care worker through an agency you have selected to do the honors. I think that's pretty much the next step given what you have chosen to share in your post.

Miggie, I wish I had a dime every time I've read those words on this website! There ALWAYS seems to be the one sibling that takes it all on, and the rest are glad they dodged that bullet. Without knowing your circumstances, and unless your brother will 'man up' then I guess asst living/nursing home is the way to go. Sorry.

Thanks for the tips, but I don't have enough money to pay for more help, nor for a home.

Your mom might be eligible for Medicaid. There are nursing homes that will take Medicaid payments and do provide good care. Ask for referrals and visit the homes, observe the kind of care that is given, the smell of the home, number of staff per patient, etc. Nine years??? You need relief for sure.

I definitely agree with betsymach. I cared for my father-in-law for a year until his death in 2007 and since then am the primary caretaker for my mother-in-law. Recently I have begun to realize that she is increasingly needy and that I am not going to be able to meet her needs, physically, emotionally, or medically. I talked to a Social Worker at her County Health Department and she said that I should have her apply for Medicaid, and then a nurse and a social worker would come to her house and do an assessment to see if she qualifies for a home health nurse or for a nursing home. I imagine there are hoops to jump through but I think you should definitely check it out. Nine years is long enough to put your life on hold. Don't feel guilty about saving yourself.

Miggie: I'm currently experiencing the same situation. Mom is 94, increasingly reliant upon me to stay home with her (husband and I work full-time, and we have a teenage daughter), while my two brothers who live nearby don't seem to want to help, even though I know they love Mom and want the best for her. What you didn't mention, but what I'm sure must be going through your mind are the same questions I worry over.
Why doesn't my retired brother try to at least pitch in on a part-time basis? How do I tell Mom she has to go to assisted living because her sons can't or won't help? How will I handle the possibility Mom will not be able to adjust to assisted living, possibly dying soon after she is moved, leaving me with the guilt that I've failed her? I know this sounds odd, but I have the misfortune of having a mother who is the kindest, most unselfish person I've ever met. If she thought I was exhausted from caring for her (7 years now), she'd feel terrible. If you're anything like me, in-home care isn't going to be enough. I need to give the full responsibility to someone else, not continue to have the responsibility plus the additional concern over strangers coming into my home to help her. That said, here's what I've learned from Senior Services in my area. They can send help for a few hours a week (to help with bathing, etc.), as well as a nurse to check Mom's health (blood pressure, heart, and other things). They do this at no cost, only ask for a donation if you have it but otherwise no pressure on you to give. You may want to check on this in your area. They also mentioned the Passport Program through the Council on Aging. This is tied to Medicaid. My mom is not on Medicaid, but the social worker at Senior Services said it has something to do with how much you have to pay per week for care for your senior. If it is over a certain amount, you may be able to use the Passport Program. For details, just in case I haven't understood it correctly, go to the Council on Aging website. I hope this helps. Good luck to you and take care.

Miggie, I was wondering if you ever just came flat out and told your brother that you NEED him to help you? Then be ready to be specific as to what you need from him. Just wondering...

Hi-As previously said it is usually one child that seems to have the task of caregiving-in a family-instead of it being shared. I wonder if there is any reason why your brother does not offer to help out--or is he too involed with whatever or just in denial? If you are worn out, and this is understandable, perhaps you can have you Mom go into an assisted living for a short term-while you take a much needed rest. There may be some places in your area that will accept government assistance-and if so-is worth checking out. I will stress to you- that what I have with others in this forum-to be a successful caregiver-you have to be able to take care of yourself-and you physical and emotional needs, If this means going to a support group in your area-then by all means do so-and make arrangements for your Mom to be watched. By the way-who has POA over your Mom's health and finances? I also would approach an agency on aging-in your hometown-and review matters with these people- There possibly could be some type of program out there-that would greatly benfit you.

Good luck!

Hap

I would like to thank everyone for the advises. It would probably be easier if I lived in the US to get help. Here in Brazil, the maids are easy to get, but they need a lot of supervision, and there are numerous accounts of abuse, when they are left alone with elderly people or children. I have a maid, she helps, it's just that my mother is very high maintenance, and she made me the source of her life...emotionally draining!
I told my brother what I needed from him because I want to move, and he just got furious because I've been taking on the support until now, and he thinks I'm 'abandoning the ship' - he said plainly that he will not help, and he can. Why is it I can't have a life too? Just because I'm divorced and don't have children? That means I have to take care of my mother alone? Of course, when I move I will send her financial support, but she will also need someone to see her through. On top of it, she doesn't want to go to a home! I'm feeling so helpless, although I do get support and counseling...it feels like a dead end street....

My brother feels as though he is more important than me,he told me so...thats why he never helped. He didn't have any children,but he loves money,more than his dad.I loved my dad;its hard to believe we have the same blood.The jerk,sometimes I almost feel sorry for him.

Tennessee, the love of money is the root of all evil. Any kind of 'idolatry' is! I think your brother and mine need a little shaking & waking up!!! I'm feeling a little more hopeful today. Thank God for this site & knowing there are people out there with the same kind of problems, and managing to make it through....I'm NOT going to give up on my plan to move! I've come to the point it's either my mother or me...I love her, but I cannot go on living this way, with my mother on top of me, watching every little step I take...it's driving me crazy!!! And she's NOT going to change.

Miggie - the times we live in certainly are critical and sometimes we feel that we are cramped or trapped so much that we don't know a way out. I hope you have supportive friends who can be a strengthening aid to you. I also hope that you can find some time for yourself on a regular basis when you can focus on something upbuilding and refreshing that will give you relief from what sounds like almost overwhelming pressure and help you see that better times really will one day be a reality for you. Most people these days are feeling beat down in one way or another from either conditions around them in the world or what is going on in their own personal lives, it's obvious from responses to your initial letter that there are a lot of people dealing with similar situations. I hope the support and understanding you receive will help you cope. It helps to look forward to the time when when the current tears, pain, and suffering and the mental, emotional, and physical ills are things of the distant past.

It's TIME, you must care for yourself!!! I have 6 yes 6 sisters that will Not assist me with my 90 year old mom that has alz/dementia. I finally let go of all the resentment and ill will i have for my sistersand relized that even if they did HELP and it was out of guilt or resented having to care for her,it would cause our Mom even more Harm than Good. So there fore when it comes time and my Mom doesnt remember me even on the slightest (like she does now) or if medically i can not care for her, I will have to place here in a nursing care facility,and I wont feel bad because I know I did all that i could for her. As for the siblings will that will be a cross they will have to bear.

Thanks everyone, for the support! Betsymach, your words were a real comfort to me. Mstexas,it's amazing, isn't it? Good for you that you have managed to overcome the ressentment. Sometimes I think I have, other times I feel I haven't. I guess it's a matter of time,and maybe realizing that people cannot give what they don't have, and this sad, sad world is in dire need of - L-O-V-E!!!! And, oh, Bestymach, friends are a rare article nowadays too. God is my friend. My real friend!!!

You definately need to think about placement medicade will be based on her assests not yours 9 yrs. in more than anyone can expect form one person if your brother had helped things might have been better but since he didn't forget about him and start visiting nursing homes near you go to as many as you can so you can get an idea how things are and talk to the social workers at each one it is time for you to be her friend not caregiver and make sure the social worker does the paperwork they can do it so much faster than you can and believe me they will get it done bvery fast so they get paid-been there done that-keeps us up to date how things are going and some day you will be the voice of reason like I am-I got such an education unwanted education- that I share it whenever I can

Is there an "Alternative for Older Adults" in your area? Your mom may be able to have daily visits - (they base it on her income), and would give you a few hours to yourself each day.

I agree with ediehardy . You sound like me, my brother stopped bothering with my Mom a little over a year ago. Even so he never really did much. To think he lived 5 minutes from her to my 45 minutes. I would take the ride a few times a week to take care of her needs. Mom lived on her own for 23 years. In the last few years she started to show signs of dementia. Also she had health issues as well. I knew that I couldn't care for her in my home because of that. I had to make hard decisions. Long story short Mom is in a nursing home where she is taken care of 24/7. The good part also is she is 10 minutes from me. I also hired a elder care lawyer to help her get on medicad. She is now pending. Thankfully she had saved a little money to be able to do that. Don't get me wrong it wasn't a easy road but the end result was for the best. I can see my Mom several times a week to keep on top of things. My boys visit as well so she is covered. You will get through this . Sending prayers your way.

Many thanks, Lrock. Things are going to work out, one way or the other...God is in control!!! And He never gives us a cross that is too heavy to carry.

Hang in there Miggie are you her POA and do make sure that she has a living will or health care proxy whatever they call it in your state and if she will not put it is writing know her wishes it is easier to talk about if someone else has died and does she want a funeral creamation or a memorial service? It was a blessing that my husband had just talked about that because I was working on a medicade application also it helps if you know how she feels about what happens when she dies is she a believer if she is not suggest that she see clergy to talk about it iiis such a comfort to know my husband loved the Lord and believed ans is not in his peresence in spirit and not having to drag that sick painful body around some times I envy him being away from this earth with all its problems.

195Austin, thanks. I agree, I envy my daughter too whom the Lord already took to be with Him! Maranata! My mother's a believer too!! I'm going to look into the POA and the will business too, thanks for the advise.

YES one of the first things my Mom's lawyer did was to make me her POA! I also out of the money she saved prepaid her modest funeral arrangements. Good luck and as I said prayers going out to you!

Miggie, I'm also in the same boat as you. I'm the only one in the family, and it's quite large, who will take on the responsibilty of my mom. She is now 93 and needs way too much personal care for me to handle alone. The family couldn't care less except for the little money she has, but that's another story. Anyways I went to DSS and got her on Mediaid so she could stay in a nursing home. She's been there a year now and seems to be ajusting nicely. My family is all up in arms now that I control all of moms affairs. Well isn't that just to bad. Where were they when I could have used a little support from them. Hope everything works out for you. Don't feel guilty about placing your mom in a home. You have to think of yourself and your own health. Especially if nobody else will. Good luck to you and your mom :)

Thanks Pinkcaddy! I'm glad your mom adjusted and you are controling her affairs. Good for you! i wish you all the best too. And regarding our 'lovely' families, God will deal with them sooner or later, I'm sure, and sad to say.

I can hear your frustration and exhaustion. You DESERVE some ongoing help and at least regular respite, which you can get for free. Call your Area Agency on Aging and ask what services and financial assistance might be available to help you get caregiving services into your home or to care for your mother in a facility. Your local AAA rep will be able to tell you about all services and financial assistance that is available to you. If your mother doesn't have financial resources, there is now assistance available for home care as well as nursing home care. You will need to ask her doctor to write orders for her to have 24/7 care OR nursing care. Even though you are providing the care yourself, and are not paying for hired help, she is still currently under 24/7 care and the doctor will be glad to write orders for her to have round the clock care, so that you can get help You can also get periodic respite care, even if you don't hire other ongoing assistance. The Area Agency on Aging is your place to go to learn details about all of your options. Establish a contact with them, and stay in touch - call them about any questions that you have. Developing a continuing relatioinship with an advisor increases their interest in you and as a result, their responsiveness to your questions and needs. You might even contact your local A Place For Mom senior advisor. Even if you don't use a company or facility they recommend, many of them are Certified Senior Advisors and they have a wealth of knowledge that they are happy to share with you. Great thing!!! Their advice is free to you!!! I own Preferred Care at Home of Nashville and Middle TN, and will be seeing my area's Area Agency on Aging counselor later this week, just to learn about the new CHOICES program, which it sounds like your mother might be qualify for. I try to learn as much as I can, myself, so I can help people who call me for advice. Acting a a free information source to help people is as important as providing hired caregivers. Please feel free to call me, if you still have questions, after talking with your Area Agency on Aging Counselor. I was the primary caregiver for my own mother, who lived with me for three years. From the beginning, my two sisters took turns coming into my home to care for her on the weekends, to give me two days off a week. That assistance was very important to my maintaining good mental, physical, and emotional health. Your brother SHOULD be available to assistant in your mother's care. Even though he probably works, he probably has evenings and weekends free. If he won't provide as many hours as you do taking care of her, he should at least pay for someone to cover HIS fair share of the care time. If he can't afford to pay for help, then he should be convinced to accept his rightful responsibilities. He has just as much moral responsibility as you do to care for her. You do not have to cover HIS responsibilites. He needs to be made to see that the care is for his MOTHER, not you. Sounds as though he is being selfish and totally inconsiderate of you. I hope you or someone else can appeal to his sense of responsibility and, though the past cannot be changed, the future sure can. Don 't give up. Don't make his shirking of his duties on him. And, if you decide that you need to move your mother to a facility, which I would have had a hard time doing, myself, try not to beat yourself up over it. The statistics of death and illness developing in long-term caregivers is well documented. Stress is a killer. It causes chemical changes in your body that can allow diseases to set in and result in death. Your brother needs to understand that his helping isn't a matter of giving you the luxury of some free time, but is an essential factor for yiour physical, mental, and emotional HEALTH.

Best wishes, Miggie. I agree with the above comment that your brother should either be helping or contributing monetarily for help.

Don't give up on your prayers to change the situation. If you haven't already, consider going to the library or to Barnes and Noble; skim through books on elder care, look for chapters that address how to deal with siblings. You may pick up some practical tips that cause him to have a change of heart--or strike a nerve.

If all else fails, perhaps shaming your brother into taking some responsibility would do the trick. For example, does he have anyone in his life--personal or professional--who would be appalled to learn of the way he's behaving in regard to his mother's care? Sometimes it just takes a little creativity. :-)

Best wishes and God bless you for the love and devotion you have shown to your dear mom!

9 YEARS. TRY 16 YEARS IN MY HOME FOR MY 100 YEAR OLD FATHER. ALTHOUGH, HE REALLY GOT BAD JUST THIS LAST YEAR. I HAVE NO BROTHERS OR SISTERS OR CHILDREN. MY HUSBAND IS 70 AND I AM 64. I AM AFRAID I AM GOING TO LOSE MY HUSBAND. MY FATHER WON'T GO INTO A NURSING HOME.

I HAVE NORTH PENN HOSPICE IN LANSDALE, PA . THEY ARE THE PITTS. THEY SHOW UP IN THE MORNING TO WASH HIM. THE AIDE THAT USUALLY COMES IS A MENTAL CASE. SHE LIES ABOUT EVERYTHING AND TRIES TO GET OUT OF COMING BY LYING. BUT ONE TIME WHEN SHE HAD THE SWINE FLU, SHE TRIED TO COME. I AM FIGHTING WITH THEM EVERY WEEK. NOW MY FATHER SHOULD BE IN THE HOSPITAL, BUT THEY FORBID ME TO ADMIT HIM. THEY ARE JUST AFRAID OF LOSING THE MONEY. PLEASE DO NOT USE NORTH PENN HOSPICE IN LANSDALE, PA. 19446

THE EXPECT US TO DO EVERYTHING WHILE THEY GO AWAY. THERE IS JUST SO MUCH THE FAMILY CAN DO BUT THEY CAN'T SEEM TO GET IT THROUGH THEIR THICK STUPID HEADS.

assisted living assistance/nursing home/ or home care are available contact your doctor who can prescribe the one more convenient for you. visit her if you decide to put her in a nursing home and make sure that she is well taking care of. but live your life also. good luck

dont spend precious energy trying to get a bum to help,if he doesnt want to help, then hes not going to, . find a care giver or someone else to help you. im just starting to learn about programs..

I just moved my 88 year old mother into my home. She no-longer is able to care for herself. My brother hold's the power attorney over her trust. And feels I should not get paid for taking care of her. What can I do????

JD

Jeanina, in Brazil, the legal system is lame, but in terms of a pension for old parents, they are strict. My mother has decided to finally file a suit against my brother for financial assistance. I don't know how the legal system works in the US, but maybe you can get free legal assistance to get the PA out of your brother's hands! God will make a way, where there seems to be no way!!!