As the only adult child living nearby, I am the one who has cared for our parents as they have grown older. The past several years have been rough. Dad died in February and mom has been in assisted living since December. Maintaining their home as well as my own has been exhausting.
While I am glad that the discussion about selling the house has been started, I dread trying to figure out what to do with everything. The house is loaded with furniture including a few really nice family pieces, 4 china cabinets full of china and crystal sets, books, tools, etc. Lots of collectibles with a fair amount of hoarding as well. There’s a great deal of stuff that none of us will want but there are also some things that we will all want. With Covid, it will be harder for my siblings to get here. They both still work full time as do I.
Can anyone offer tips or strategies to prevent damage to sibling relationships?
Yes, we all have seen many arguments and hard feelings over material items. It happens in the ‘best’ of families that no one would ever have expected it.
Some people ask family members to do a ‘walk through’ and say which items are their preference but as you say, everyone may choose the same thing.
You could put the stuff that no one would want aside for now, possibly donate it or simply trash really unwanted items. You could sell remaining items if no one wants them.
Gosh, I don’t know other than divide by equal value. Take pictures of everything. Since everyone is in a different city then they can look at photos instead. If you have to draw straws or flip a coin, so be it.
Put slips of paper with numbers in a hat. If you are three siblings, then the numbers 1-3 go in the hat. Draw a number, that is your order to pick for the first 3 rounds. Then all the numbers go back into the hat and repeat.
This does mean everyone would have to be there, but with Skype, Zoom, Whats Ap, Facebook Messenger, it can be done remotely. They would each have to have a proxy, but it would be best if everyone could be on site, wear masks, have lots of hand sanitizer and work through it.
Before you start have a plan for the things no one wants. Also do not accept the responsibility of moving, storing or otherwise handling any of your siblings things. That can cause more unrest than the divvying up. I know of three people who are storing bulky furniture from estates for people who live out of town. One person is going on 4 years and really wants their storage space back. Another stopped receiving cheques to cover the rental fee at the storage company.
If some one has their heart set on Granny's China, or Dad's old tool box, and no one else cares, it is easiest to deal with those things first. But is someone is saying she wants all the crystal and china cabinets, then no, she can choose one set from one cabinet, and when her turn comes around, she can choose more.
The first one is don't assume anything. For decades, my DH lived with guilt and apprehension that, when the time came, he and his sibling would be fighting over a particular item from the family home. The sibling relationship was already strained and it certainly seemed plausible that this could happen. It was a good-quality item handcrafted by another relative, but I didn't think it was worth the hard feelings and I planned on advising DH to just let sibling have the item and get on with life. Well... sibling didn't want it. Period. No strings attached. All that time, worry, emotional energy, discussion and the sibling didn't bat an eye at DH taking the item. That said, there were a few other rather oddball things that sib DID want badly and we would never have predicted that anyone would want those things.
The next thing was that, with your siblings living further away, please don't get involved with storing the items/things for them. It sounds simple enough to hang onto something for someone or to arrange for paid storage, but I've seen it lead to very hurtful misunderstandings as to how long you agreed to store it, what was to be stored, who's paying the storage fee (if there is one) and also how and when the stored items would get delivered to their respective homes. And, there are also those folks who want something stored or "set aside" for them and they never ask about it again - let alone come and get it. So how long do you keep it for them? My advice is make it a clean break and stay out of the middle.
one thing I have learned in life is families will get bitchy and gossip sometimes, if anyone really complains I would just tell them this needs to be done now because mom needs the money for her care.
Be ready for some unexpected bad acts. If someone in the “family circle” decides he or she is “entitled”, there’s really no way to protect your mother’s rights from it.
Tell each of them to come in a pickup truck.
Set FIRM deadlines for getting their items and for the estate sale, else this process will NEVER END.
Be prepared for at least one person to get upset over something ridiculous. (a friend of mine tells of a HUGE fight among his aunts over an old butter churn)
I had a relative die recently. Her grandkids were her only heirs. NONE of them wanted to speak up and say "I want X or Y." It was like pulling teeth to get any of them to even show up at her house to pick up anything (she didn't really have anything valuable like antiques, crystal or silverware). Then, after X and Y were given to another grandchild, all helllll broke loose!
Meanwhile, there were numerous heirloom quality things she had sewn and crocheted that none of her grandchildren wanted. There were also boxes of old pictures from when she was a child. I delivered those items to her siblings and they were ECSTATIC.
That said, ask your mother if anyone has remarked to her about wanting something from her home. If you know that X person has always admired Y family heirloom, why not ask that person if they actually want it? Give a timeframe to make up their mind - a week should be more than enough - and date by which to haul it away. Make it clear that nothing be stored and once the estate liquidator comes to do their walk-through appraisal, the house will be off limits.
Are your siblings reasonable people? Is one known to be a bit greedy or childish? What is causing this worry for you?
The estate lawyer encouraged me to keep track of hours and pay myself, but I never felt right about it so I didn’t. My parents and siblings have talked many times about how I deserve some type of recompense but since it’s never gone beyond discussion, I have wondered if it was sincere. Now I feel my feathers getting ruffled when my siblings discuss everything being divided evenly.
One sib made the comment that I didn’t deserve any more than they did because they both would have helped out more if they had lived closer. My face got hot but I kept my mouth shut.
I hate feeling this way! I don’t want to be the family a$$hole. My sibs mean more to me than any family heirloom or sum of money.
Speak to your parents about the sacrifices that you and your husband are making and that you deserve compensation for it.
All the best.
When we cleared her house Mom and I went through it and she selected the things she wanted for her AL apartment. She selected a few things to offer to friends and family. We offered some items to neighbors she was close to who have a growing family. Most things have sentimental value to Mom, no one else.
I kept back some items that were family mementoes, nothing she owned was of great value, for her grandchildren. I have a box of papers and photos I plan on offering to our local library or historical society.
I also filled a small storage locker with seasonal things I knew she might want. A number of unique items I have been selling on eBay. Everything else we sold at an on-line auction.
In the end it's just stuff, not worth alienating people over. I suggest telling your sibs to come and pick up what they want, set a deadline, then sell what's left.
Neither had air conditioning so they had their windows open. He loved hearing the jazz records that she played. Back then, the record players were made of beautiful wood. They were like pretty pieces of furniture.
Grandma had a great music collection. Her neighbor was so grateful to receive the gift. I think grandma would have approved because he was a sweet neighbor to her.
He always mailed things for her when he went to the post office. He would pick up a few items at the store for her when he went. She shared the food that she cooked with him. They were great neighbors.
They make it very easy. You can even schedule a pick up online, or call them up. They will tell you when a truck will be in your area.
It’s so convenient. You must tag the items with ‘Vets’ and then they will be picked up.
I would suggest you do something similar. Figure out what you want, let your sibs know what is available and let them come for it when they want to. I understand in your case there is a lot but you did say that you think most of it no one will want. So start there maybe. Make an itemized list, e-mail it or do up a letter for them. Narrow it down to what nobody wants so you can possibly donate that stuff to a charity, then go from there. If there is something they want they need to find a way to get it from you. That's their responsibility, not yours. If they can't get there but they still want it then they need to decide where to store it till they can get there. Maybe you can all contribute money towards renting a storage space for bigger items until it can be distributed to each of them.
I would add taking photos of memorabilia.
When my mother died, having downsized to an AL unit, we waited 3 months till my sisters could fly again from interstate - too hard to do it at the funeral time. We took turns in choosing from what we called ‘the treasures’, mostly survivals from our childhood that had been handed down to Mum as well. Then we did the furniture, but sisters only wanted a couple of things in view of the transport issues that they would need to organise fairly quickly. I got left with the washed plastic bags etc etc – oh joy!
When DH1 and I parted, we picked in turn with everything, books, records, the lot. We listed as we went, with columns for his and hers and another column for a guess value. At the end, we totaled the values and DH1 paid me for the excess he had taken. It was sad to find that usually he chose to take the presents he had actually given me, and vice versa – neither of us liked to think that we had always chosen for ourselves.
MIL1 did not have a great deal to split. The furniture went to various houses by agreement, or was sold or given to an OP shop. The sadness there was to find so many new things that had been kept unopened for years because they were ‘too good to use’, and were now obsolete.
When DH1 died, our daughters had first pick of what they wanted, and a very big job to empty the house. We had colored spots from the stationers, and you put your spot on your choice. His sons from his second relationship had spots but didn’t want much at all, and spots also went to his recent partner and to me. If there was more than one spot on something, it got talked through and compromised. Because DH1 had taken so much more from our marriage breakup, many of the things in his house were things I had actually bought myself years ago - easy to deal with because usually no-one else really wanted them, and I backed out if they did. At the end, as usual I got all the left overs, as daughter/ executrix with MS was very tired and I could store. I’m still working through some of it.
My side of the family has always swapped furniture around on a semi-permanent loan basis, and it still moves around as living arrangements change. When we visit each other, there’s an “oh” feeling of coming home when we recognise things. At the moment DH2 and I use the chairs that were bought when my mother had a stroke when I was 17 and we moved into a flat, our 2 and 3 seater couches that I bought when DH1 and I parted, DH2’s collection of a dozen chandeliers (all bought at clearing sales before we met), his huge cast iron bath from the house he lived in for 37 years, etc etc.
(I've run out of space, read next post)
DH2’s family has had more trials with settling up belongings. When MIL2 and FIL moved into the nursing home, DH2 was technically in charge as oldest (and most sensible) son and executor POA etc. Nevertheless difficult SIL1 came to visit carrying a large carry bag and left with everything small and valuable before anyone registered what was happening. SIL2 did her bit by going there a couple of days later, taking every single thing out of every room and stacking it in the sleepout. Actually B1 probably shifted furniture to direction, I shouldn’t just blame SIL. You could scarcely open the sleepout door, let alone see what was there to do a sensible division. I was horrified, then SIL2 and B1 took offense at me big time. When survivor MIL2 died, DH2 insisted on everything going to an auction house to avoid any repetitions. I thought that was a real pity, but was glad to be out of it.
One very important thing to remember is the superannuation. Here you need to make a binding death nomination, which has similar witnessing formalities to a will, and in general the superannuation trustees will follow that. My own super is worth more than half my ‘estate’. Splitting the rest ‘equally’ is an illusion if you ignore super. That happened to me with DH1 – I didn’t get compensated for the super which was all in his name, and it took years for me to realise how that affected me.
So that’s a few experiences to pick the eyes out of! Good luck with yours!
If the sum is a nice convenient one that shakes down into one or two or a few pieces each, you could - if everyone will agree to this beforehand - write the items down on little pieces of paper, put them in a bag, give it a good shake, and then draw lots. Is everyone on Zoom? - then you could make a little ceremony of it.
Mind you. It often isn't the obvious flash points. It's the cracked butter dish or the bathroom scales, combined with heightened emotions. Are you really worried about a potential falling-out?
List all Items that everyone will want then write each item on a slip of paper and have one get together and everyone take turns choosing a slip of paper reading off what they get.
As far as the rest of the stuff, have an estate sale.
They're people who will handle everything for No Money Up Front, they just get a Portion of the Sales.
Then whatever is left, there are others that will clear out a house for free as long as they get to keep whatever is left in the home.
You can also call to Donate to places like Purple Heart, Ect to puck up big items left.
easycomforts.com
It's worth going through your old datebooks and putting all that time and mileage into an Excel spreadsheet and keep track going forward. You are not being an a$$hole for taking an inventory of how much caregiving cost you during 12 years. You and your husband may be surprised by the number.
Ask the lawyer if you can take a lump sum from the sale of the home and/or its contents. That way, you are compensated and, in the future, her estate can be divided evenly.
For any item that more than one person wants - put those names in a hat and draw. Or, line up all the items that more than one person wants and put kids names in a hat - draw a name, that is first pick person, draw another name as second pick person, and so on. First name drawn gets to pick an item they want. Then second name gets to pick something. Etc. You could start over and do another round of selecting an item with the same order of names. Or, put the names back in the hat to give everyone the chance to be First Person who gets to pick an item. Each person may not get exactly what they wanted, but have the option of trading with each other.
If you can at least sort out what someone wants, without argument from others, you can push all those things aside and only deal with things that several people want the same thing. And would be better done with pictures/zoom/ or similar if you think getting them all together at one time to sort through things will create arguments or them not even bothering to show up. Make it easy on yourself.
For stuff you do not want get an auction house in and let them lot it in the way they feel best - they will make sure you haven't missed anything of any value - do NOT pay a clearance company to take it, as they will take it, not tell you if they find anything of value, and sell it for their own profit as well as you paying them to do the job.
Will be best if you clear and throw things like food cupboard contents etc. as any clearance company or auction house may refuse to handle these, and will have to pay to dispose as they are businesses, so better for you to do that bit.
My greatest gift was all the time I was able to spend with mom. It was tough at times but I was always thankful that I was able to help her when she needed me. I sure miss my mom.
The stuff that no one wants, well, maybe someone out of the family wants it, even a charity. The dump doesn't really want it.