Can anyone offer any insights on deciding who gets what from our parents’ house? There’s a lot of stuff and my siblings live 9 hours away.

It sounds like you are doing the bulk of the work. Your mother is still living and although she cannot have everything at her AL that she might want, if these items have value, it would be my priority to see that items are assessed and sold and the funds put aside for her care. I like the suggestion that others have made to have a professional auction company manage that part. If your siblings want special items, then let them tell you what they want by a strict deadline otherwise you will make the decision. Those items could be put aside in a storage locker THEY pay for until they can come and get those items. I would consider letting your siblings hash out how to distribute those items among themselves. “I’m doing all the other work, you guys can help me by figuring out what you want and deciding yourselves how it is to be managed. And I need to know by this date.” You have enough to manage. I hate to be so hard nosed, but I have had enough of storing items for others until they can get to it, and fielding phone calls from people who are not directly involved!

If the kids get along and aren’t too greedy, the way our family did it might work for you.

1. Photograph all items and hold an “auction.”

2. Place all smaller items on long folding tables in the living space or take pictures of the items, especially those items that more than one sibling is likely to want. Invite all your siblings to participate at a time certain after they have viewed items. Obtain a “bid” from everyone who wants each item. If only one person wants the item, that person receives it but must figure out a way to transport it and get it into their possession by a time certain. It is best to hold the auction over two days, in person.

3. For items more than one person wants, draw straws, rotating the person who goes first by one person each time. The person who goes first gets to select any item they want, then the second, until you have completed one rotation of all the people who are eligible to compete for the items. Then the next person in line goes first. This all sounds a bit complicated but it really isn’t. It’s actually rather fun and brings the family together.

One or two people will inevitably end up with more stuff, maybe a lot more, but that’s because they might be more clever in their selections. Using this method, the VALUE of the item does NOT matter.

4. At the end of the auction, allow anyone who wants to swap with other people to do so, or barter any way they want, eg, “I’ll give you this chair and that urn for the Chinese chest.”

5. You can also add conditions at the beginning, such as prohibiting any recipient from selling an item without first offering it to all the others free of charge. If more than one person wants it, use the same method.

We found that only the girls really wanted most of the precious smaller family heirlooms and one person was pretty greedy, but she did get every item fair and square with this method and she is using every item she got in her home. Everyone ended up with some pretty wonderful pieces to hand down to their children and very little of the estate was discarded or given to charity.

6. This method requires the “auctioneer” to do a lot of prep work but it’s worth it to get a lot of items into the hands of people who want them and results in far fewer items being hauled away to charity organizations, flea markets, etc. Best of all, when you visit in the homes of your siblings, you see your old friends from your parents house again and sometimes there is a touch of wistfulness and envy that another sibling has an item that you would really like to have had yourself. You will always recall where each item was placed in the family home yet have a renewed appreciation for the many clever ways your siblings have given the items a new life. I’ve repaired almost all of my items and even found uses for the family dining chairs that no one wanted, but I couldn’t bear to part with, and so I put them
in storage for several years. When I moved to a bigger condo, I found a use for six of them and had them all reglued and put them back into service. Yet each time I touch them, I remember all the beautiful holiday dinners my mother and father used to have when we were children.

It is only me and my brother. My parents had it put in the will everything was to be divided 50/50. The house, the money, everything. There was never a problem. And he was POA. For what could have been a very touchy situation, I think it worked out well.

Most posts on this topic are a variation of the same theme-clearing out. Even if you were doing this job for yourself-to down size, move to new area etc. Some of the same procedures might apply here.

Start with the simple stuff-clearing cabinets of food cook ware, utensils etc. Have some boxes ready to load up for Good will, food pantry, one for trash- there will be little emotional attachment probably to this kind of stuff.

Ask your family if there is stuff-nick knacks they may have given that they want back so you can set aside. Move on to the next-low emotions room-like the bathroom-towels-sheets etc, will not be difficult to decide. Kitchen and bath will be easier and faster before moving on to the personal stuff.

For me i have been clearing out for my sister who is now in NH for the last 6 mo. My garage was full of her stuff and so is my basement. Sis recent move to a studio with furniture provided. Loads and loads needed to go ASAP-she had tons of books, tons of clothes-cook ware that I did not want and furniture I could not use. Like other post-take a detailed picture of each room for family to review and make their picks.

My mother had asked me to make a list of her favorite items to give to members of the family. The problem here is that mom changed her mind a million times. I stopped trying to keep track. My brother is her executor-he lives away and he is less emotional about mom's nick knacks. He will be perfect for the job of handing out stuff. Check with local schools, churches, shelters. Goodwill, etc. Good will in my area now will not take furniture but another group will. There is a habitat Restore place near me that also takes furniture. I found that as time passed-6 months-I was able to toss things now that I could not decide earlier. I made kind of a "maybe" pile. There is a guide line about moving sorting etc. called OHIO-standing for Only Handle IT Once. I have a hard time complying-some decisions just need to simmer for a bit.

My mother once gave me some wedding clothes she had worn 30 years ago to various family weddings-never wore again. About a week later she said she wanted the blue dress back after I already took to Good will. I called to see if there was any way to get it back-no all stuff goes to a large sorting/distribution center no way to find one item out of a million.

My cousin had down sized to retirement home and had a hard time deciding especially as it got closer to the move date. She basically took all the undecided stuff at the end and took her time after the move making the final decisions. If you have the space sometimes that will give you some time to work on decisions later on.

This can be a really touchy subject and can have a negative effect on sibling relationships! If you can video each room and have them identify things they would like set aside for them. If possible ask mom what items she would like each person to have, having her weigh in may cut down on squabbles. Anything purchased by one of the siblings should go back to them. Hopefully each of you can be fair and considerate of one another. You can also follow old traditional guidelines where the girls get the silver, crystal and any china and the boys inherit appliances and tools. Furniture is divided u according to need.

I assigned each person an area of the house and whatever they wanted was to go in their area, if two people wanted the same thing we tried to compromise. I gave in a lot to keep down conflict and ended up with nothing not even the stuff my mother said should be mine! If you have any siblings that feel entitled or are narcissistically greedy then you might implement some of the ideas in the attached link. I am going to have to sue my siblings to get my things, I hope your division of property goes better than mine did!

https://www.elderlawanswers.com/six-ideas-for-distributing-an-estates-personal-property-in-a-fair-way--15223

The best idea I heard of, was an estate sale. Someone else does the work, no emotion involved. If a person wants a specific item/set, they can bid on it. The money goes into the estate, and then they get a partial refund, as the monies of the estate are divided....My experience when money is involved with family has not been good. Vultures flock to the carcass, and feed until they are full and can't fly away.

I am posting this again, I feel very strongly about this. I know most of you do not read the entire thread. OP has other things she needs to do.

All this inventory and photos suggestions is way too much work for OP to manage. Either sibs come for what they want or find a way to get house empty.

My mom is in a nursing home. I took pictures of everything on my iPad. Many pictures have multiple items and I just enlarged to picture so she could see each item and then put the picture in edit mode so I could write the notes right on the pictures. Before she went to downhill she loved looking at the pictures of her things and would tell stories about the items. I would also ask her who gets what. Many things she didn’t care, but several items she told who should have and why. The great thing about that was the stories I learned. Then I put names on those items. Next I had each family member and close friend to choose any items that they had gifted Mom to take them back. Then I asked about anything that had special meaning to anyone. So if I wanted the hutch, but my uncle remembers helping mom sand it down, then he has special memories associated with it and should have first choice. If more than 1 person has special memories, it’s time to draw. Toothpicks work great. 1 is broken and the broken side hidden All family with special memories get to draw a toothpick. The one with the broken one gets it. If another piece is special to the one who won, he is not able to draw from the lots until all interested have won something. Assuring that everyone gets at least one special memory item. You can continue that way till everyone is satisfied, but it’s more time consuming, so once special memories are done, you can pick numbers from a hat and that’s the order you take in choosing the rest of the items. Everything left goes to an estate sale. If they cannot be there in person, it is their responsibility to rent a storage unit and pay someone to move their treasures unless you are willing to move it for them. I agree about not storing it unless you have much unused & unplanned space in which to store it. We offered to keep a large saw in our garage for my brother when my dad passed until he could pick it up. SEVERAL YEARS later he finally decided he didn’t have room for it and we could dispose of it. All that time my truck did not fit in garage which would have been ok for the couple of months we were expecting but became quite annoying as the seasons changed but the saw remained. And talk about the value of family in contrast to material values at the beginning. Remind everyone that nothing is worth a broken family, & especially over things that did not belong to any of them in the first place. There is no entitlement because None of the items belong to them. Even those gifted were given and no longer theirs. I wish you well.

The eldest refereed who wanted what and kept track financially. She did a great job. None of us 5 kids were greedy or demanding so that made the process easy for all of us. What was left over was sold to an estate sale company. The proceeds went to the estate. The house was sold and that went to the estate. The cash was divided 5 ways and was adjusted for whatever was taken from the house. I never saw the facts and figures since I completely trusted my siblings. Don't know who made out best or worst and we are all still on great terms today. That was the most important.

Have everyone roll a pair of dice. Highest number goes first and picks one item, then next highest picks one, go on in that order until things are all divided up. That way it's random and no one can argue about it.

Good luck!

You should be compensated at least for your expenses.

First questions that come to mind:
Can you discuss this with your mom? What are her wishes? Did your mom write or express her wishes to anyone, maybe her siblings or a good friend?

Next, what about your mom's current and future expenses? Should you liquidate by auction and put that money and the house proceeds in a trust to cover your mom's expenses?

Also, are there any adult grands to consider?

If no to all the above, then I would do these things since your sibs want to split things equitably:
1) have an appraiser value everything and put that value on each piece, collection, etc.
2) total up the value of all the contents, say it's $150K for example. Split total value by 3 (you and your sibs) then tell your sibs that each of you have a $50K shopping cart.
3) Draw straws to determine picking order.
4) Then shop and keep a running tally of value accumulating in each cart.
5) Once the $50k cart total is met, they're done. Contine picking until the cart value is met.
6) if anything is left, start over by drawing straws again, and repeat the selection process until yall stop.
7) get rid of whatever remains.
8) list everything in each of your shopping carts in one spreadsheet or document with acknowledgement sig lines, then all yall sign it. Everybody gets a copy.

I also echo the previous comments:
+set a weekend to do this
+everyone must be present or send a proxy THEY choose
+do not arrange for transport or storage for anything that's not yours

One more thing, just to avoid hard feelings, mistrust, etc., NO ONE should stay in the house. Tell your out if towners to get a hotel room, stay with you (if that works for you). Too many stories and experiences of family pilfering.

GOOD LUCK!

First if you "all" agree on the stuff that "no one" wants, either give to good will (if in good condition) or donate, or just "give to garbage".  If there are certain items that all of you want, is there anyway you can decide maybe to (say the crystal) each take a piece or can you all decide to put the items on pieces of paper, put them in a container and have someone (not related) shuffle them around and all of you "zoom" and each person take a turn in selecting a piece of paper out of the container.  Mark down on a sheet that say "billy bob" get the one china cabinet or serving tray and so on until all things are given out.  Then they can make arrangement to come get the items as soon as possible.  My father did that with the grandchildren, he had 3 items from the war and listed them on paper, put them in a small box and each grand child pulled out a paper and whatever was listed is what they got.  wishing you luck

Some families do not have a Will.  In that case I  have heard of them deciding that, any item given to your parents as a gift, goes back to the person who gifted it to them (as a couple or individually to your mom/dad). Things they purchased on their own could be assessed for an estate sale and if one of children wants it, they can purchase, or at least pay the others their share of the value.  If grandchildren had a close relationship with them, they could request a small item as a memoir.  For example if granddad taught his grandson how to drive something he may want the spare key to that car, tractor, etc, or if grandmom baked something with a granddaughter, she may want the special bundt pan-- something small that holds emotional value.  You could rent a storage space to hold your siblings items until they can retrieve them, and they would pay the rent on the unit, until their items are gone; perhaps two units so they is no dispute about items in a shared unit.

You need a timetable. Let your sibs know what you would like to keep, ask what they would like. Then plan a date when everything has to be out of the house, and after that items will be taken to auction or charity. That's the only way to get the house sold -- be rational and consistent.

Suggestions..
Ask mom if there are specific items she wants to go to a particular person.
Number items, or group items and then draw numbers to determine who gets what lot. (If you draw the number 5 you take lot #5, your sister draws the number 1 she gets the items #1)
You could have an Estate Sale company come in evaluate items and the ones you do not want to sell can be evenly divided based on the value set by the company. (you would get an item valued at $500. and sister could take 2 items valued at $200, $300)
Items that none of you want can be sold at an Estate Sale and that money either divided or put towards your mothers care (that would be ideal)
You should be compensated for the work you are doing. If you do that now or when the house is sold either way make sure that you are compensated.
Estate Sale companies typically get a % so you could figure that for yourself or figure a flat amount. By the way Estate Sale companies charge a high % so it might not be worth getting one in (Some figures I have seen are 30 to 50%)

This is how we did it with 6 siblings. First of all no one should express the desire for a particular item. We actually had an appraiser & a book with pictures to share with our older children so we could choose items for them.
Divide in categories. Furniture/lamps,mirrors
Art
Silver/tableware
linens
everything else
Draw numbers
pick 1-6 then 6-1 ( this way last is first for second round)
redraw each category.
Good luck.

OHH my. This can get ugly! But my 2 cents.
A- have an estate sale( very expensive!!)
B- like everyone else, call out a wknd to put sticky on what they want.
C-remember, just things! Can't take them with you.
D-my sister & I knew it could get very ugly. The job was so BIG. THE time, money, we spent on this was in the thousands!! emptying a home from 60yrs use!


Woral case draw names

My mom lives with me.  I have asked siblings is there anything of particular importance to them.  My sister wanted a punch bowl, certainly not the most expensive item.   I don't know what I will do with other stuff.

My siblings visit regularly so they know her stuff.

I understand what you are feeling. Some of this should have been decided years ago. One thing to think about, what would any grandchildren want? I'm sure there were many family meals served on those china plates. My mom now lives in a retirement home, she is getting ready to go to Assisted Living, she has Dementia, but she became a hoarder. When we moved her, our movers warned us that she had so much stuff it would never fit into her apartment. So we had to get two storage units and my garage, which took up so much we could only park one car. I have two sisters, who live in different states, who are not involved, (who do not have children either) they dont talk to my mother but want all the oil paintings. Well I bring home about six to seven boxes at a time from the storage units and purge! I have 3 boxes, one for trash, recycling and donations. I did find love letters to my father, I'm keeping those for my daughter, so I suggest you do need to go through drawers and boxes, there could be important papers or memories. I know its hard, I work and have my home, so I manage by the six or seven boxes. As the caretaker, I feel because you do the work, you need to reward yourself with the one item in the house. Fair is fair. don't let your siblings guilt trip you into giving items up. I suggest you separate the items, for example, if there are 14 items of interest and 4 of you? Everyone gets an equal amount, draw numbers for the extra, but you get that extra piece. Remember the oil paintings? My husband said to me, if they want them, they will pay the shipping up front, because we know they will never pay up. When I closed my dads house the cost of shipping just one oil painting was 85.00!! I also suggest having a garage sale, we did and never told my siblings, it was extra clothes, kitchen items, extra chairs, etc. We shell out any extra monies for my mom, I take her out, pay for her hair/pedicures to be done. During Covid, I would just take her for drives by the lakes, even though she has no memory of those outings. Those who do the work and time spent, should be rewarded. Put yourself in charge and don't apologize.

When my husband’s mom died we numbered everything, made a list and people gave us a list of what they wanted. In some cases only one person “bid” so that was easy. For the others, we put names in a hat and drew. It worked out pretty well—everyone got something they really wanted and there were even some amicable exchanges.

When my mom passed we did as she and her sister did when their parents passed.  My brother, my two nieces (my sister had passed) and I drew numbers out of a hat in each room.  We then picked in order what we wanted until the room was spoken for and then gave the grandchildren a chance to get the rest.  It went so smoothly but my family is wonderful!!

For both my great grandmother and then later my grandmother something similar to the auction idea was used. My grandmother having had the experience with her mother’s estate started a bit early but basically asked her 4 children to put tags on items they wanted several years prior to her death, then after her death they each again went through the house and tagged the items they particularly wanted some of course being tagged by multiple siblings (there were 4). I know my mom and I suspect each of her siblings as well asked their children to list any items that were important to them as well. Then the 4 of them got together and took turns picking items on their list knowing which items were in dispute with another sibling or two so depending on how important it was to them they might use their first pick etc. I know they also discussed reasons an item was important to them and that often swung the choice so to speak, for instance my son had always loved a particular painting so I told my mom if he could get it that would be nice and when she told the sibling who also had tagged it she let my mom have it. Then once done with the tagged items the next generation was allowed in to choose things like going to a tag sale and after that it was opened up to extended family and friends. I would think in this day and age something like this could be done virtually, it might take some time because someone will need to either take photos or walk around making a video, coordinate on the ground so to speak but sure seems like it could be done. If each of your siblings can’t come for a visit together or even on their own to go through and tag things then maybe you could hire someone to walk around while Face Timing with each of them or simply making a slow methodical video to share and then be in the house on FT with that person to put color coordinated tags on maybe. Then that person you hire could be in the house with you and your siblings on Zoom doing the “picking” turns maybe. This way you are all in the same boat (no one actually there) and you aren’t doing all the work just because you live closest. Now I have to say there weren’t any big clashes between siblings in the cases I mentioned, though I will say my mom who was my grandmothers live in caregiver for 10+ years as well as co-executor with the attorney so had the final say, allowed herself to get the raw end of a few things because she felt guilty asserting herself given that position as well as the oldest but I hold more of a distaste than she does about it so it’s all good. I think it’s a great sign that you are all discussing enough to determine its time to sell the house, it means to me you can probably work together somehow to do this without alienating each other. I will say that my moms major medical stuff actually brought my brothers and I closer, just us time and has kept us working together. It’s an actual benefit of all of this for us and this summer we put our other grandmothers shore house on the market (left to the three of us) and were able to clean it out make decisions about everything via Zoom. So it can be done but again I have exceptional siblings.

Be sure to vocalize the need for help, don’t take everything on yourself just because you are there it will lead to overload and resentment. There are lots of things a sibling can do from far away now, let them and someone can always be hired for some of these chores too you all still have oversight and enabling your siblings to help or at least making them feel like they can help and aren’t out of the loop so to speak will likely go a long way toward making this whole process much easier. Providing you are dealing with the right personalities and don’t have a difficult sibling who is never satisfied that is of course. Good luck, it can be lots of work but still a good thing as I am experiencing.

There are lots of good ideas here. I just want to comment on the timeline. It took my DH and I six full weeks to clear out his mother’s 1500 square foot condo. I never thought of her as a hoarder as her home appeared neat and tidy. What I didn’t realize was that every available space was crammed with paper and that valuable papers we would need later and precious items were hidden among the trash. On the first pass we looked at every piece of paper and discarded the obvious trash. Then we went through the piles a second time with a general sorting, creating four piles, one each for the three children and one for “unsure.” DH pile included all the important paperwork as he is her guardian and conservator.
this took about two weeks. At that point his sister arrived and together they went through the unsure pile. Basically we did the same with the household goods. The brother was left out of the decisions because of previous problems but everything pertaining to him and his family were shipped to him.

How to prevent damage to sibling relationships? First, put the things that are important to everyone in one room. The unwanted stuff give to a non-profit organization that will not sale the items, but use them. The next thing clean the house except for the room with the wanted things in it. Finally, put a number on each of the wanted items, and put a corresponding number in a clear bag like gallon zip-lock. A friend of the family must ask the oldest to choose odd or even numbers from 1-10, the next to the oldest choose numbers from 11 - 21, and so forth until you get to the baby child of the family. Then pray and agree that no matter what each receive you can always exchange with each. This will be fun and refreshing keeping the memory and hope alive. Instead of bickering and fighting. Let me know if this helped you.

Talk it over with them. Being the house is NOT sold Yet., Justgo and get wha tyou may want and make sure you let them know. This can be worked out. I also feel being you were the Main Drain, You should get Special Memories...

When my father died I waited until all my siblings were able to get together at his house. We all picked and chose things together, amazingly there was no conflict on who got what. My backup plan was if there was something more than one person wanted names were to be placed in the hat and whoever was drawn got the item. We didn’t have to resort to this since no one wanted to fight over stuff. Mom and dad had been more important to us than stuff! Also we all sat down with the photo albums, going through them and getting photos that had our families in them, yet at the same time getting a wide variety of everyone at the same time. It was a great day all around.

You might video call one another. Use the video call to ask which items each person wants. Then label the bottom of the item with their name. You can do a multiple person video call. Everyone decides on which item they want. The items are then mailed. Everyone pays their postage.
The balance of the items are sold at an estate sale. That money is split evenly.
Hope this helps.

I don’t know if this will help you but it is what I did with my out of state sister when I needed to sell Moms condo when she was in memory care.

I photographed many items and numbered the photos so when she saw something she wanted she could tell me it was on the left side of photo #1, etc. These were items small enough that I could mail them to her or the grandchildren. It was also a good way for me to tell her what I was going to do with the larger Items on photos.

That way she felt part of it. Maybe you could keep the items they select in a garage til they can pick it up in the next month or so.

Since I was the only sibling who was retired, I moved in with my parents to take care of them - 300 miles away. I finally decided to sell my home and after they died, chose to keep theirs (needed repairs and had greatly decreased in value during the recession). Both of my siblings were married and their spouses wanted nothing brought into their homes, as they were downsizing. So, my nieces and nephews - who had little space in their rental apartments or small homes - got a few small things over a decade’s time. My sister’s husband died during that decade and I needed to eventually sell our parents’ place and move back to where I once lived. I shipped the small items my sister wanted to her, gave a few things to cousins, and had my movers pack the rest so I could take them with me to my new home. Most of our parents’ furniture was given away during the decade I remained in their home. I still have the family china and sterling silver that no one wanted (I love it). I’m in my early seventies and still hoping my niece and nephew will want the china/silver one day. Jewelry was given to family members (niece and cousin) according to the wishes of my mother and her twin (my aunt).

Very long process, but I was willing to do it and enjoyed having a decade to enjoy my parents’ things. Cousins and siblings are having a turn to enjoy them now, too.

Good luck! My siblings were all agreeable, which made it nice.

Great suggestions here. My problem with estate sales is that buyers expect to purchase valuable items for pennies on the dollar. My aunt passed with several large sets of china, including a full set of Wedgewood, two old silver tea sets with trays -- one was our grandmother's, and I wanted it so bad, but she had mandated everything to be sold, and a VERY old grandfather clock (1600s) and still working.
I've heard of heirs being given virtual money and have everything of value marked with a value, then they can redeem the items they want with the virtual money.
I have given a list of what I believe to be valuable items and asked the kids to pick what they want (ranked choice). But as one daughter said, it's like wanting their mother to die so they could get what they want!
My daughter's in-laws passed, so everything of value was put into storage and everyone to come and pick what they want. This of course is an expense, but if you put a time limit like one year to pick up what they want, everything else goes for sale.