Our dad is not taking care of mom properly. He does not see her needs like we do. He thinks she is way more capable than she is. His pride is the biggest issue. They need to be in assisted living asap, before a major issue occurs. He thinks a year! Can we force them sooner because of lack of care? She has lewy body dementia and is getting worse everyday. He just has some mobility issues. I can't be at there house every day all day!
"Forcing" care likely depends on two (at least) factors:
1) medical diagnosis that they are individually unable to care for themselves and each other. Or perhaps not be able to care for the other (ie., your dad may be deemed able to care for himself) - even if he isn't / is in denial.
2) Legal authority. Are you/a family member legally responsible for their welfare, i.e., POA, managing finances, etc.
- If not who is handling these things ?
- Do you / family have an attorney to speak to about setting up things as needed? If your dad is medically deemed 'fit' it may be up to him to arrange these legal matters. If he doesn't want to, you may not have any legal recourse - although do contact an attorney if you haven't already.
No, you SHOULD NOT be at their house every day. The more you 'help,' the more dependant they are on you - which translates into:
"I don't need any more help, yet.... I / we don't have to move, yet ... we have xxx (YOU)" =
(your dad speaking, perhaps your mom too).
This is somewhat understandable, they feel they have "YOU" to do what is needed. Certainly they do not want to move (no elder does). Most everyone wants to stay in their home way beyond when it is necessary to move for their safety and well-being.
So ... the more you step back and let things 'go,' the more your dad 'may' start to understand that he can't manage it all - and certainly not his unrealistic desire / expectation that he's (they) good for another year. He is in denial. And you are being a co-dependent or co-support which is not helping.
I know this is not easy for you - you want to help and you have been. Now is the time to be clear with him / them. Set your boundaries and tell them what you will and will not do. Have options available (brochures, financial reports/costs) - perhaps you need to contact Adult Protective Services (APS) ... do what you can. While you don't want to 'gang up' on your dad, you might need to make a serious impact so he gets it: he is not in charge any longer.
You / family are making the decisions.
Do whatever you have to do for them.
The reality is it may get worse before it gets better.
It appears from what you've shared that it may be up to your dad.
I do not know if you can 'get your mom out of the home' without his consent.
(I believe) This is a medial and legal matter.
Good / similar advice /suggestions follow.
I would encourage you to start clearing out their house (garage?) as you can.
Get rid of things they do not need or use.
Otherwise, this will be a huge ordeal 'all at once' when they are in a AL facility. That will be emotionally hard enough for you, even if a relief. Your dad won't like it, of course. See if you can do some of this when he is not home / around. Have someone take him out for lunch / an afternoon.
Gena / Touch Matters
They can also help with nutrition they can send ensure if someone isnt eating.Now is the right time to make those decisions.They will resist at first but may accept it in time.In the future there will be piece of mind for you as hospice wil help you when placement is necessary.
It would be like living in a hotel. An easier life with less responsibilities and work. Meals prepared, snacks available, and activities. They can participate or not.
Emphasize they would both be safe, fed and taken care of. You would come visit often, and not have to do more work besides your own household chores.
Remind him that he is not trained, or a medical professional, and neither are you. You could mention the longer he stalls, the price may go up?
If he doesn't listen, you will have to be blunt and tell him you simply CANNOT be at their house every day, all day. You have your own responsibilities. What if you get sick or have an accident, then what will they do?? Insist he give you an answer!
Otherwise get a letter to their doctors, to have them help with this.
Good Luck!
When I mentioned moving to a lovely senior community, Mom refused, Dad said he could be packed by sundown. When I mentioned having caregivers come in to help, Mom refused, Dad was ready to hold the front door open for them.
I had to wait until there was a major medical emergency before anything like moving or caregivers could be used. Then and only then could I use my Power of Attorney. Mom, due to a major fall, had to be placed in a skilled nursing home. Dad was happy to have around the clock caregivers. I would have loved to have had both parents together, but medically it was too much of a challenge. Thank goodness they saved for a rainy day, as it was now pouring!!
A doctor long ago told me to do this about a loved one, and it worked.
Also, visit some places and have them in mind when the time comes to make the decision. It can happen really fast.
Also, I think your dad has more than mobility issues. If he doesn't see her needs, he's possibly lost some executive function. Dementia patients are reluctant to let anyone see how they really are. They can fake it - for a while.
Does your Mom have a PoA? If so this person needs to take action on her behalf now. It may mean she goes into facility care by herself until you can assess if your Dad can live alone (probably not). He will hopefully follow her more willingly.
The dad is in denial and needs to be medically evaluated, too.
You have two ill people, one failing mentally and doing more than he can/should and the other failing mentally and therefore without a voice.
I believe, if your father will not listen, it may be time to call in intervention with APS so they can assess the situation. If father is competent and they find no extreme danger or deficits in the care, you will not be able, nor will THEY to intervene.
However, you do know that the call from a hospital will come, as one came to me.
You will then have to be ready to call in social workers as soon as you can.
Sorry this is happening.
I don’t know how you could speed things up as far as placement goes. Maybe if you were to show him how he could relax if they were placed in an assisted living facility.
Would he be willing to take a tour of a few of them? Most will invite prospective residents to have lunch and get a feel for what it’s like to live there permanently.