Momsonlyhope Asked October 2013
Does anyone have a care receiver that interferes with your personal business?
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We took in my mom and dad about 4 years ago, dad has since past and we are taking care of mom. We (my husband and I) can not have a personal conversation anymore. She jumps into everything we say to each other, have to repeat it all so she knows what we are talking about and always puts her two cents in even to the point of causing an arguement between us. How do you ask her to please stay out of our personal conversations? She follows us around, listens around the corner and goes everywhere with us. If I wanted her input, I would ask for it.
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hmmm ... in English? Or does she understand some other language better? Is she hard of hearing? Would in writing be better?
The way to tell someone what you would like/expect from them is to tell them. In some cases, more than one repetition may be necessary. Be consistent. Be polite but firm. And then enforce it. Once you have told her that it is important to you to be able to have private conversations with your husband, then the next time she jumps in DON'T repeat everything to bring her up to date. Say, "Mom, this is a private conversation. I'll be with you in a half hour or so." If she doesn't get it, ask her to please go into another room so you can finish this private conversation.
Please set some boundaries sooner rather than later. This is for your mom's sake as well as for yours. If you let this go on your resentment will inevitably build up, and resentful people do not make ideal caregivers.
It is great that you often take Mom out with you. But you also need some time away from her. Set that boundary, too.
You don't say how long ago your dad died. Mom may very well be missing him. Be sympathetic and kind, but do not let her loneliness become a burden for you.
" mom did your mother put her two cents in to every conversation you and dad had"?Or something to that effect, then just tell her - mom we are having a private conversation so would you please excuse us? Sometimes the elderly get into that habit of listening in because they are board and lonely . What I do is turn up the TV quite loud, tell my husband I have to talk to him and make it when a really interesting program is on or she's doing something that takes her attention away . Then go to another part of the house and talk, kinda quietly. I know this is not the ideal situation, but the other way is worse for me. I hope this helps you I will be thinking of you all tonight.
She follows you to your room. What!!?? Your room is PRIVATE. It is your sanctuary. She should not enter your room without knocking and without an invitation to come in.
She wants you to wait on her all the time. Hey, I don't blame her! I love being waited on. When my stepdaughter would come to visit us for a week at a time while I cared for her father with dementia, she waited on both me and her father. I loved it! It was a nice treat for a week's respite, but it would be a very unhealthy pattern on an ongoing basis. Sure she wants you to wait on her. But that certainly doesn't mean you have to wait on her!
She wants to know who was on the phone? "Oh just someone for me." What did they want? "Oh, we took care of it on the phone." You do NOT need to allow her to invade your privacy.
Please don't promise her you'll never put her in a nursing home. You don't know what the future holds.
It sounds like you really need to establish some boundaries in your home, and consistently enforce them.
I know that you would like to wave a magic wand and have your mother change. That is not going to happen. You can't change her, but you can change your own behavior. Stop giving in to her pouting. Stop letting her invade your privacy. Make your bedroom off-limits to her. She is your mom, but you are not 11 any more.
You are not five years old any more.
I've read enough from daughters of narcissistic mothers on this site to realize what a huge struggle it can be to face them as a grown up. But you deserve a grown-up life of your own. Please get some professional help to prepare you to deal with this. Not because there is something wrong with you, but because you are a good person who deserves whatever help it takes to have a chance at happiness. I know you will get lots of support from others on this forum. That will help. Also find a counselor, please. You deserve it.
I think you and hubby have an advantage in that it is your home. You can set rules and enforce it - over and over - until your mom understands it. Remember to lock your bedroom door. Father still gives me the 3rd degree when I talk on the phone. I just give him vague answers.
"Mom, we're going to have sex now, and you can't come in." Use that one 10 times a day. You can giggle when you say it, but stick to your guns.
Use the broken record technique. "Mom, that was a private call. It doesn't have anything to do with you." If the call was AT ALL interesting, and not very private, tell her about it. Tell her about everything you can, so she'll feel included. Then you can say, "Mom, I tell you a lot, but some things are private, and I'm not going to tell you about it." "I'm sorry it makes you feel bad. I love you, but that's private, and I won't tell you about it. And that's all there is to it."
Does she have a sense of humor? "That was Burt Reynolds on the phone. He wanted to go on a date with you, but I told him you had other plans." "That was Paula Deen. She wants your recipe for cheesy grits."
Or: "That was my boss. He wanted to tell me that the Simmons account needs an inventory done. I have to create a spreadsheet showing every order for widgets in the past 5 years. I need to calculate the percentage increase in widgets ordered, and do a statistical analysis of trends. He wants a powerpoint presentation ........" with every single boring detail you can think of or make up. Do you have a friend with personal problems? Tell Mom ALL about it in gory detail. The more STUFF you share, the easier it will be to say "This is private."
You should put a lock on your bedroom door, and tell her about it. Say, "Mom, I'm not a child anymore, and my husband never was your child. You can't go into my husband's room without our permission. I'm sorry if that makes you feel bad, but that's a house rule. You need to follow house rules." Repeat "that's a rule." 25 or 100 times. As Purplesushi says, "If you don't like following the house rules, you may need to find somewhere else to live."
"I DO want you to live here, but you need to follow the rules. I DO love you, but you need to follow the rules. Yes, you are my mother. I love and respect you, but you have to follow the rules."
I don't envy you, but it won't get any better without going through a pretty long training period, and if it doesn't get better, someone's gonna blow their top, and that won't be pretty.
I'm with Jeanne on this one. Set those boundaries and enforce them consistently. Above all, don't apologize. Otherwise she'll lay a guilt trip on you and go back to business as usual. Also, see what you can to to help her develop a social network so you can have more "me time."
You DESERVE to change. You were taught behaviors that aren't good for you. Jinx is right, pat yourself on the back for each tiny step in the right direction. And forgive yourself immediately for every slip back into the self-harming behavior you were taught.
We'd love to hear about your struggles and especially about every success! This is going to be a hard journey. We want to be there for you!
Therapy will be a HUGE help for you. Focus on YOUR needs, not her actions.
Please say I feel guilty when she does x, not she makes me feel guilty. Or whatever other feeling. Own your feelings. Realize that it may not feel good but you CAN set boundaries with your mother. Is she is verbally and emotionally abusive, there are all sorts of resources for learning how to deal with that. If she is physically abusive, call the police.
If she can afford to live on her own, arrange it. It sounds as if she is with you in order to avoid feeling lonely. Her feeling lonely is HER problem to solve, not yours. There are other options besides you and the nursing home.
It is hard to feel confident about ourselves when we have to deal with self-absorbed parents. Confidence is a skill we learn. You can make yourself feel better about yourself and your life but it will require work and things that are hard to do and that others may not like.
If she throws a fit, she throws a fit. Walk away. You do NOT have to stay and watch her be angry. When parents are unhappy, you don't HAVE to stay around them. You are not her only child, or her only resource.
Hang in there, keep taking baby steps, and know that you deserve better treatment and happiness.
I know how very hard this is. My husband cannot say no to his mother. Thankfully, she lives 800 miles away. That is his boundary. He knows he could not have her in his house. He would go crazy.
When we moved my mother in with us, I had to realize that there will be times when Mom will be sad or angry and that is just what will happen. I can't make her 100% happy. If she gets angry that I made a yucky meal or won't take her to an expensive restaurant, oh well. No, I don't like the way we all feel. But that feeling passes and life goes on.
Everyone here says you have to have your own space and time. And help from others. That is the only way to survive this journey. I have trouble getting others to help - even people I pay. It sucks that I am the one who must make these extra arrangements or schedule things. But if I am to stay sane, then I must do these things because no one else will.
You have the power within you to set boundaries and you are not responsible for your mother's quality of life. You are responsible for YOUR quality of life.