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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Too bad you didn't know this was how it was going to be before you bought a home together, huh?
I would say for starters, stop letting your mom boss you around. You tell her how often you will drive her places -- she doesn't get to demand chauffeur service any time she wants it. Speak respectfully to her, as you would any housemate, and insist that she do the same with you. Leave the room when gets sarcastic, etc.Help her when she really needs help, but you are her daughter and her housemate, not her servant. Reestablish the appropriate roles.
Spend less time with her. Do you work? Would a parttime job be a good thing? How about volunteer work? Something to get you out of the house and among reasonable people who treat each other well.
Sit down and have frank conversation. Set boundaries and stick to it. If it isn't working out, tell her you will move out. If you own the house together, then you will be responsible for the mortagage with her. So if that is the case, remind her, if she can't abide by the new rules or boundaries, you will move and she will have to buy you out or you will put the house for sale. Stick to it. Life is too short and you can't continue to subject yourself to the misery and shouldn't; mother or not.
In the short term, find a way to leave the house or make your room your sanctuary. Start going out and find new activities that make you happy and give you more time away from each other - library, walks, a class, support group for caregivers, book club, dining out, etc.
If it wasn't for this site and the postings I have read about difficult elderly parents, I would have taken steps to plan on my mother coming to live with me in the future. Now that will never happen. My mother will have to plan a diiferent living arrangement for her future. If she doesn't make choices and procrastinates she may end up in a place not to her liking. I am so grateful to everyone that help me open my eyes and not end up taking on an impossible responsibilitity.
Hoopcat, you seem to have a good handle on the situation with your mom. have you considered talking to her doc, to get some tests run to find out exactly what you are dealing with. I found with my mother, she too uses the phone as a weapon. but we live with her. she calls my siblings with "stories" of what is going on. We told her she shouldn't drive anymore, explaining her reaction time is limited now. She has twisted 'that' around. We no longer explain ourselves to anyone anymore. Anyway, set limits,boundries telling her if there is an emergancy you will be there, otherwise you are going to simply ignore all other calls. After a while she will get bored and realize you mean what you say. Taking care of your mom at this point in her life, is like taking care of a 10 year old that will never get any older, emotionally. She is looking for attention, and for her, negative attention is better then what she precieves as no attention at all. My mother loves the drama all of her actions creates, so we do not play anymore. this took 2 years of living with her for us to "get" this....We pick our battles with mom. We only focus on the things that will keep us and her safe. I am lucky enough to have a close friend who works in a nursing home and when things get very nasty, I ask her what the heck is going on. Most of moms actions are for attention. I have been told ignore them. About stopping the calls at work?!!! That is a touchy one, you are working, is your job being threatened by all of these calls? Protect yourself. You come first, your immediate family comes first. End of conversation on that one. Like I have said this is no picnic. But there is plenty of help out there. maybe someone on this site can come up with some workable ideas for all the phone calls to take the pressure off from you. You are a caring and loving child of a frightened confused human. Take care of yourself in all of this. Hugs to you.
I think everyone gave some good suggestions. SharynMarie, with all sincerity, and you know that I am saying this with sincerity, but...I believe you're definitely stressed out and it's showing! I did a quick look at Greekgal's profile. It seems she can only come online every 2 or 3 days. So my estimate is that she will be able to come online roughly by tomorrow or on a weekday. (One poster, when her computer got a virus, was only able to come online to AC when the library opens and she could use the computer.) So take a deep breath from your nose, and slowly release from your mouth. Relax.... I'll send you a HUG...
Your Mother was wonderful until she moved in with you? Wow. People do not change. Surely you remember this behavior while you were growing up. I, too, thought when I brought my Mother to live with me and took her out of the big bad care home that we would finally have the idyllic relationship I always wanted. Time to get real. I took her back after 1 1/2 years. Amazing I survived it. Battle scars linger. But I did it and learned my lesson! Whew. All good advice above. Take the good and use it. Lay down the law. Moving out sounds good to me and let HER pick a roommate. Leave her alone for a few weeks. Nasty should NOT be rewarded anytime. Also, do a search of other threads here on same problem. It is endless. The suggestions and advice are endless:( I don't have anything new to say. Take care of yourself, xo
greekgal60 Myprayers to you. This caring for our elders is not an easy job but first and formost we caregivers are not to be used as verbal punching bags or to be used in anyway. I read somewhere that the relationship I "missed" as a kid will not happen during this time. That helped me understand what was happening. Anyway, Mother is cold, indifferent and self centered. No different then what she was when I was a kid. She thinks the world spins around her. She has always felt that way. Why am I taking care of Mom? No one else wanted to upset thier life to make sure this cold, harsh, selfish woman is safe. There is nothing in "it" for me and my husband. Nothing. As she looses her battle with the aging process, she becomes more and more abrasive. When it is my turn to grow old I will be alone. My husband is the one taking care of Mom most of the time, I work full time to keep the $$ coming in. Look this is no picnic no one promised me smooth sailing, no one promised me anything when it comes to taking care of my mother. When her remarks get too hurtful I have the freedom to walk out of the room, and I do. When she starts acting like a 15 year old, hubby and I go to our living space and leave her alone to her own misery. Hubby and I talk alot about how to manage ourselves together. I am very luck I have my husband and we are a team in this process. We take afternoons on the weekend to be alone, together. Right now Mom does not need us to feed, bathe her. But that will come in time. This is not the best of situations and we feel we are stuck in time but we are getting this done. All of us are getting this done. But know your limits, believe in who you are, you hav e the right to set limits, boundries, to protect yourself. If your budget will allow get to a therapist. Remember the ten commandments only speak of honoring your mother and father. There is nothing written anywhere that you have to like them. That was the biggest guilt trip I put on myself. But that is over. My husband and myself work at treating Mom with respect and kindness to the best of our ability we are human so we just walk out of the room when she gets too much. I have rambled on again. I hope somewhere in this something struck a cord of help for you. You are in my prayers. And many hugs learn to breath
As I have stated before on other threads, be very careful with a mother like this and her weapon of choice, the phone. Some people say just ignore them. I don't agree. My mom and her phone weapon wound up involving lawyers for me to protect myself from her.
seven13 thank you for responding to my rambling. It is good to know all of you are out there. this site has helped myself and so many others. And I agree with you, Hubby and I will continue to work as a team, I am very lucky in that way. We will give mom the respect and care she needs but we are not punching bags for her. Thank you
Hoopcat.....You could turn the tables and start calling her 50 times a day....lol. Call her before she wakes in the morning and call her when you know she has retired for the night. Of course this could turn out to be a battle of wills. Maybe you could try answering the phone and then blow a loud whistle in her ear. Of course, I am being a tad bit sarcastic......but she is way out of line. Does she know the story about the little boy who cried wolf? Maybe you should remind her. Please keep us up to speed about what is happening with her. You are a wonderful daughter and you deserve better than this treatment. I'm sending good Karma your way and a big hug : )
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I would say for starters, stop letting your mom boss you around. You tell her how often you will drive her places -- she doesn't get to demand chauffeur service any time she wants it. Speak respectfully to her, as you would any housemate, and insist that she do the same with you. Leave the room when gets sarcastic, etc.Help her when she really needs help, but you are her daughter and her housemate, not her servant. Reestablish the appropriate roles.
Spend less time with her. Do you work? Would a parttime job be a good thing? How about volunteer work? Something to get you out of the house and among reasonable people who treat each other well.
In the short term, find a way to leave the house or make your room your sanctuary. Start going out and find new activities that make you happy and give you more time away from each other - library, walks, a class, support group for caregivers, book club, dining out, etc.
SharynMarie, with all sincerity, and you know that I am saying this with sincerity, but...I believe you're definitely stressed out and it's showing! I did a quick look at Greekgal's profile. It seems she can only come online every 2 or 3 days. So my estimate is that she will be able to come online roughly by tomorrow or on a weekday. (One poster, when her computer got a virus, was only able to come online to AC when the library opens and she could use the computer.) So take a deep breath from your nose, and slowly release from your mouth. Relax.... I'll send you a HUG...
I, too, thought when I brought my Mother to live with me and took her out of the big bad care home that we would finally have the idyllic relationship I always wanted. Time to get real. I took her back after 1 1/2 years. Amazing I survived it. Battle scars linger. But I did it and learned my lesson! Whew.
All good advice above. Take the good and use it. Lay down the law. Moving out sounds good to me and let HER pick a roommate. Leave her alone for a few weeks. Nasty should NOT be rewarded anytime.
Also, do a search of other threads here on same problem. It is endless. The suggestions and advice are endless:( I don't have anything new to say.
Take care of yourself, xo
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