Why do I dislike my mother so much?

I completely understand the resentment and jealousy etc.
I feel the same way.

Equinox I am not sure of the law in the US but in the UK if it is thought that there are serious issues with refusal of meds the NH you and a doctor can be called together to conduct a medical review. Then and ONLY then can they be administered covertly. Its not something I care for at all and god help anyone who did that to me (but I have an advanced directive which forbids that). Do ask them it might be the solution you need

Someone wrote here that you don't hate her, or dislike her, you hate/dislike the disease. When those feelings rise in me, I have to verbalize or think "I HATE THIS DISEASE!!!!" It's kinda like love the sinner, hate the sin. From the Christian perspective, not better-than-thou, but the challenge comes to love others who are difficult/those who do not love you in return. Christ gave us that challenge, AND it is NOT easy...but I think that is why God gave us these missions, He trusted us with them and I think, is a growth opportunity and a shining example for others to see :) HUGS!!!!

At this time my mom has ben quite fiesty stubborn and paranoid. She has been refusing her meds. Not accepting them daily. 4 days straight she refused her med. Sometimes in the am and sometimes on the pm shift at the nh. She's not taking her thyroid and missing doses can cause other issues. She hasn't taken her depression med either and I think her personality without them is so paranoid. I'm concerned. The nh nurses cannot force her only encourage. I just don't like her attitude with skipping meds does to her. I tried a strategy with her where she can take only meds of absolutely necessity. But she so paranoid that she has refused. Any suggestions with paranoia with dementia?

Well, my mom is the opposite. Was a wonderful mother and a good person. But I think I know why I resent her so much. She puts all her energy into her appearance. The only thing that makes her happy is when people tell her she looks so good. When she gets a new outfit (which I help her pick out) she'll stand and pose infront of the mirror, waiting for comments. Don't get me wrong, she looks very good at 94, very stylish. So much better than me, her dumpy overweight daughter, who she sometimes treats like her caregiver. I guess I'm mad becuase she has it pretty easy. Doesn't have to do any for herself, unless she wants to. Has my fathers pension, my fathers saving, lives in my house practically for free. She rents out her old home to my housekeeper, who I pay, who pays my mom..,I just resent how easy things are for her, and how unappreciatative she is. It's all expected. She brags about how my dad left her comfortable. Well I worked for 30 years, have MY OWN pension, and my own house, and I did it myself. There will be no one to help me when I grow old.., I have sons but they don't live near me. So I guess I'm kind of jealous and that's why I am so angry all the time. I'm spending my last good years taking care of her...does that make sense?

Mommie Dearest admitted she didn't want children hanging on her skirts, she just wanted to go have a good time, so she threw me away and had a good time. It was always "go away, go out in the street and play, get away from me" from when I was a small child. She knocked me about, split my head open and put me in a hospital "because you cheeked me" ... I was 6 and it never got better after that. My besotted father enabled her and busted his chops to provide anything her narcissistic self desired, except when she got whatever it was it wasn't good enough and she didn't want it any more. His heart gave out in 1999.

I grew up totally alone. no role model, no direction in life and made so many mistakes along the way as I was so naive. She was a control freak, drove away any boyfriend (because he just wanted her money), was always throwing me out of the house for some imagined indiscretion ... once I went to a party and as it was so late stayed at a boyfriend's house. The next day she threw me out and went round to his house, standing in the street, screaming and yelling. I was 22!!!

She's beaten me up emotionally forever and I've always been scared of her but, despite her, I emigrated to Canada (she had to follow dammit) had a decent career and bought my own house. After my father died in 99 she bought a huge house she couldn't afford to keep, thinking it would make her popular, but, apart from the grocery store and library, she hid in it 24/7, all the while wailing about how lonely and bored she was.

I shoved my boot up her arse for more than 15 years to get out, volunteer, go somewhere, meet people but it was always met with excuses. She developed Parkinsons and dementia long ago and has had numerous strokes. I gave up my home and career to live in her freezing basement to care for her for four horrendous years.

She's been in a NH now for 2.5 years. Screaming at me on the phone every day, setting the government on me because she thought I stole her money ... on the edge of a nervous breakdown ... blacked out doing 85 in my truck ... I changed my phone number, made it unlisted and she's never had my address or she'd send the cops around to check on me ... done that before.

My mother is now close to 89, bed ridden and barely able to speak intelligibly. She has no friends, except one that comes about 4 times a year, having run off everyone she couldn't get something out of over the years. One house she lived in she hated the next door neigbour because he was black ... when he started shoveling her driveway he was an angel lol. That house was egged one day and it wasn't even halloween so I guess she royally pissed someone off.

I'm POA, preserve her money, pay her bills, run her errands and make sure she has all she needs. I visit about once a week but she wants me to come all the time. Not happening... threw me away and tormented me forever but now old, sick and alone she wants me? After 60+ years? I'm sorry, no can do.

I'm rebuilding my life. Bought a tiny run down cottage with some land, getting into growing and canning, volunteering at the local hospital and driving for local dog rescue. It's my turn now.

You all have some life left, those you care for have had theirs ... Mommie Dearest traveled the world on exotic vacations (without a kid hanging on my skirts of course), had a lovely home looking out to sea and a weekend house ...the best of everything.

The staff in my mother's NH take wonderful care of her but she sometimes tries to get out of bed without help and falls ... been hospitalized a few times. They call me right away. Any time the phone rings I let the machine pick up and listen before answering. 3 a.m. and what would they like me to do? She's in a hospital where she's getting the best of care ... I live (with some physical issues) in the middle of nowhere up to my ying yang in mountains of ice and snow. Believe me, whatever it is it can wait until tomorrow.

It may sound harsh but those you care for should be in at least assisted living, if not in a NH so you can rebuild life for yourself, your spouse, children and grandchildren.

Tonight I was trying to help my mother pack because she is getting ready to go and stay with my brother in another city...for 3 weeks Thank God!! I was redoing her packing and she wouldn't shut up!! Why are you doing that and why can't I take that bag,and what did you do with my box I had and on and on. I finally "yelled" at her and know I shouldn't of but she wouldn't stop. What I was tring to do is help her repack her suitcase because she must of had 5 extra bags with her stuff that I could put in her suitcase for her. I just want her to appreciate what I was doing or say Thank you, but it is hard for her to say those simple kind words. She is a very negative person, always says she wants to die. I don't even feel bad that I yelled at her...I am so frustrated at her and resent how she treats me. But don't they say "the ones you love that are the closet to are the ones that you are mean too??? I am beginning to believe that. I feel like I am not her daughter. For me I just want her to be happy and healthy. I can't believe I yelled at her, but I am very resentful of her actions and thoughts. I am beginning to think she has dementia or she is dillusional not sure which one. No matter what I do it is never right for her...I am critizing her..I am mean I am I am ....on on I think I need help!!!

WOW!! I commend you all and wish you and your parents well..Just remember to always honor them and know that your reward will surely come.

What timing in finding this post here just now!!

I just came up from my mom's apartment (she has an apt on the first floor of my house) still reeling from a go-round about her trash. It's trash night, and I had already put my bags in the big rolling cans we keep in the alley earlier in the day. When my husband and I got home this evening, I stopped by her back door to ask if she had any trash to go out, and she said no, she'd already taken it out. I didn't believe that, so I made an excuse to go into her apartment where I found that her recyclables (lots of not-very-well-rinsed cans of cat food, diet coke bottles, etc... were still under her sink and she had half-used cans of cat food under inverted mugs on her counter top.

When I started cleaning that up and asked her to PLEASE stop leaving opened cans of cat food on the sink, to serve the whole can, rinse it, and then put any food the cats don't eat down the sink, she said "That's what I do!" and looked at me like I'M the one who has dementia and proceeded to pitch a serious fit that I was cleaning things up. If I don't do it myself, she doesn't do it, and then I find her drinking coffee out of a mug used to cover up a can of cat food. She weighs nearly nothing, so a bout of food poisoning would not be good - not to mention she's stopped cleaning her bathroom, so... ANYWAY. It devolved into her saying I spend all my time trying to make her feel bad, how I want her out of my house, how I regret her moving in with us, etc... and how SHE'S the only one who does ANY work around the house.

I sit there and take it, and then ask her to just please be more cooperative, that if I am trying to help her keep her apartment clean and safe, not to fight me. She acts like she has no idea what I'm talking about and then lists all the things she does around the house, none of which she does anymore. Then when I go to leave, she says, in a little baby girl voice, "Well, good night..." like I wasn't going to say good night and it's odd that I'm leaving. She can't manage to remember to wash her freakin' hair, but she can remember how to be a manipulative child when she wants to. It's amazing.

So... why do I not like my mother? Because the mother I liked is gone. This shell of who she was remains, and I love her, but I don't like her. It feels awful to say it, but it's true. We'll have to resort to subterfuge and my husband will have to take her out on errands and to get lunch so I can sneak in and clean. And if she can't manage feeding her cats, I can take all the cans upstairs and just go feed them twice a day for her. She'll hate it, but I'm not going ot make them pay for her problems. They deserve a clean litter box and regular feedings. She loves them and they keep her company, so I won't ever remove them from her apartment, but I'm not going to let my mother's tantrums keep me from keeping the cats fed and cared for and the apartment clean. I need a thicker skin.

i so appreciate the honesty everyone has shared, i feel so much better reading that i am not the only one. i sneak out and get small breaks for myself, i still work and have odd schedules so i use that to my advantage some times to get away. mom isn't sure whether i am working or not. thank God she can manage to stay by herself still for a while. but we also laugh a great deal, even at her. she is so angry at her situation and i get the brunt of it. usually i can make it turn around and be funny and she will laugh. every morning i am wonderful and every night i am the worst person in the world. there are times we are still the best of friends but most of the time i am getting a teenager ready for a prom, drama drama drama. luckily i have a very supportive group of sibllings. also we have a council on aging that picks mom up every morning mon-fri and she is gone from 6 a.m. to about 1pm. this provides a lot of structure for her and breakfast and lunch. she complains but she goes because it makes it easier on me. even though she would never admit it, she enjoys going too, the staff is wonderful and the activities are great. she has choice as to whether to participate and she's made friends. sometimes she can just go and fuss about me. she has even made play dates with people on the weekends through the friendships she's made over there. i would recommend it to anyone. i have had to have tough love to keep her going. i had to get the staff not to give them the phone number at the center so she can't cancel her bus ride. she has dementia and has had undiagnosed bipolar disorder all her adult life so she can be quite a handful. i use every trick in the book to keep her going. its been a godsend.

I learned that if I begin to feel resentment I must begin to set better boundaries so the resentment doesn't continue. It's a good idea to look into personal and household care aides that health insurance may cover, or some free aides through office of the aging. There may be more options in your community as well. Sometimes state insurance can be added to present health insurance that will cover home health aides too.

Every answer is a sign that the parent should be at an assisted living facility. Often parents do much better away from their children and involved with others taking part in a myriad of activities. And the children are much more loving and attentive.

I am glad everyone was able to be honest and say how they feel. It makes me feel better. As for me, I don't like my Mom so much b/c she has had dementia for so long and all this time she has yelled at me at least once a week. I am tired of being yelled at for so long. I am talking about 30-40 years. Yes, that long.

Been there. ... My mother would smear my reputation with neighbors, chase off potential girlfriends, turn my kids against me, and talk behind my back all the time. I used to tell her there'd be 2 coffins at her funeral; the largest one for her tongue. She also had such a gossipy, potty mouth that I sometimes dreamed of stapling her lips together. Boy was I resentful! ... But I strove to find a way to forgive and retain a place in my heart for her. We're getting together at my oldest sister's on Dec. 24th. I'll let you know what happens.

Oh my! I don't have an answer except that you are not alone! I feel this way too most of the time. My father is 90 and in mid stages of Alzheimer's yet he can be manipulative and very cunning when he wants to but can't do simple tasks. He creates his own reality and most of the time I am to blame for every ill that has come his way since we bought a house and moved in together. Like others here, he belongs in an ALF with a memory unit but insisted that we needed a house but he is now isolating himself and getting more and more depressed. He has revoked the POA's my uncle and I had so we are helpless to do anything for him. I am just watching him make financial mistakes and other bad decisions and can't do a thing about it.

I wish you the best as well as the rest of us here.

My mom and I have always had a difficult relationship, so becoming her caretaker has been very difficult. I was an only child, and the center of her universe as a stay-at-home mother without much to stay at home to do, so I learned early that her happiness relied on me.

When my parents divorced and she was left in dire financial straits, I stayed with her in my childhood home, and then later, after she foolishly sold that house - a house with no mortgage on it!! - she ended up in debt in her new house and spent every penny she earned and relied on me to bail her out. When she got to retirement age, she couldn't afford to live on her own, and my husband and I bought a house that would have room for her in it - separate from us, because she's not easy to live with.

She has her own apartment in our house, and while she has dementia, she's fairly independent - except for the not bathing and not cleaning, the latter I do when my husband takes her out to lunch or to go site-seeing for a couple of hours. I'm getting her signed up with an organization that does in-home care, which Medicare/Medicaid will pay for, allegedly - I find out more later this week. She is not going to like that one bit - someone coming in to check on her, to tell her she's not changing her clothes (and who won't just say, "OK, whatever you say, mom" like I do when she RAVES that YES! She does bathe daily!!!), so it's going to be very stressful around her for the next few months as whatever services she can get are put into operation.

AS YOU CAN IMAGINE, I feel all the resentment and anger that you all have expressed (and am relieved to see I'm not alone in feeling this way), but I feel awful that a more nurturing, caring side of me hasn't emerged to deal with her. I do love her, and when people have been mean or uncaring (friends just FLED when she started becoming a bore to talk to), I feel real defensiveness on her behalf. I feel bad for her that her life has amounted to this - but the fact that her life has become MY responsibility is a major source of resentment. All the poor financial decisions she made are why she's in my house and won't be able to get into a nursing home when things get worse. And her personality - quite haughty and prideful and she, too, makes up stories that fix and fill in all the holes in her memory and apply a lovely golden haze to most events - is really a chore to deal with. Just saying that feels wrong, though I can't imagine anyone else not being annoyed by it.

I'm glad this forum exists so we don't all feel so isolated. None of my friends are in my situation - the ones whose parents have lost their minds have money and the parent is therefore not literally underfoot. It makes a HUGE difference.

mcd2020 - excellent point.

you don't dislike your mother, you dislike the situation.

I can relate to every one of these scenerios. It amazing how things change. I have had my 75yo mother, living with me for the last 6yrs. She was my best friend for life. Now, not so much. I have truly mourned the loss of my mother. I am just taking care of the leftover. She has no social skills. She is no longer worried about hygeine. She is rude, manipulative, needy and dillutional. I have no time to myself and she requires my undivided attention. I spent three days with chest pains. That's when it really kicked in. I need to let go. I now don't care anymore. I do what I have to do and let go of any negativity. I have and still am doing the best I can do. Probly more than most. But, now she is being rude and mean to me. I don't deserve, nor will I take it. She raised me to be strong. So, she brought this on herself. Its my version of "tough love". I suggest to the rest of you....stay strong. Give it to God and find some inner peace. You are not a bad child for having these feelings. I have found I love all my friends and except as many invites out as I can. I have really enjoyed dinner by myself. And my connection to my family is awesome. I sneak away and go visit them by myself. Its hard to except these feelings. But, I promise, in the end.....all those feelings wont matter. You still loved your parent.

I totally agree w/ Hadenough. My Mom follows me around, and I constantly hear her calling, "Where are You???" Sometimes when I'm right THERE in the room, and she comes out of her apt connected to our place, she starts calling out for me before she even stops to see that I'm I'm right there. It is so frustrating, smothering, and threatens to drive me crazy. I put up big signs on an easel right in front of the door where she comes out.....I'M TAKING A BATH, or I'M WORKING IN MY ROOM, etc. She strolls right by the easel....she has to move it out of her way.....which she does. When I say, "MOM, didn't you see the sign I left you??" She responds, "What sign? I didn't see a sign." I know she sees the signs/notes I leave her. She just doesn't care. She demands my attention at all times. Even when I'm clearly ON THE PHONE, talking to someone, she interrupts, and talks to me or asks me questions. I can't have a minute to myself. I love my Mom dearly, but I'm on the brink of losing it. I can't stand clinginess. I feel so sad this is happening. I could never bring myself to put her somewhere.....like a Memory Care Place. She would be devastated. She'd be confused beyond belief. But, I just don't know how I can keep my own sanity together. The "reboot" is definitely a necessity. I have to do that as well. It really does help. I just have to do it more frequently. I know they don't mean to or want to be this way. They have just reverted to toddler-ism. And I'm just not in the mood for toddlers. My own life is swiftly deteriorating, and I feel like I don't have that much time left to enjoy. It's a tremendous sacrifice. I feel trapped, with no way out. :( Happy Holidays to everyone. :)

I am glad that I am not alone in these thoughts. I love my Mom, have had a fairly good relationship with her but she irritates me to no end. I have been her caregiver for over a year and what drives me most crazy is the staring, following me around and her need for constant attention. She has all the behaviors spoken of in the above responses, confabulation, baby talk ect...... What helped me most was just simple acceptance. She is not the woman she used to be and I am not a teenager who has to respond to her like she has the final say. In many ways I am now the adult and she has become the child. So when she tries to pull the parent guilt stuff on me I just have to be aware that this is not 40 years ago even if in her mind it is. When I am trying to do my little part time job that I do from home she is constantly interrupting me with stupid questions and attention seeking behavior. Now I close my door when I am working and if the next step is putting a lock on it that is what I will do. Setting boundaries with your parent is hard but necessary in keeping your sanity. You also need time away from her and her demands but in my experience I have to fight for time. At first I was hesitant about seeking help from my sibs and other family members but no more. I will not be able to be her caregiver if I do not get some time to reboot myself so the 1 or 2 nights off a month is an absolute necessity in my life. Good luck to us all and happy holidays.

Cindy S. and Bobby48128 bothof you are not alone. I have those feelings myself Fiduciarywatch has great advice. Reach out and give them a call. hugs to you both.
Equinox

Cindy S. and Bobby48128 bothof you are not alone. I have those feelings myself Fiduciarywatch has great advice. Reach out and give them a call. hugs to you both.
Equinox

Thanks JessieBelle,
Today she remembered details from two years ago. And a nurse today said to me she has been able to transfer from chair to commode. I carefully explained to my mom that it's okay to do it byyourself as long as you have your aide nearby. I wonder what part of that sentence she's going to remember. I should of left out "by yourself" in the sentence.
The NH is decorated with Christmas decoration, and everyday she asks if it's Christmas.
Equinox

Thanks for all the input! Good to know I'm not a terrible person, I feel so guilty sometimes for feeling this way. I think it's a combination of things. Being the only sibling and having no one to help...seeing her age and change....seeing all the flaws I never saw before...lack of privacy...invasion of space.....her simple inability to accept my advise and/or see things from my prospective. I wish she could have her own apartment, but I just don't think it's best considering her handicap.
So good to know I am not alone.

Very understandable, elderly parents can be most difficult, try to be mindful, your mom, is still your mom, and will always forever be your mom, eventhough you are an adult. Caretaking is hard work, emotional at times, stressful at times, and can cause resentment at times. However, one has to consider the fact that at 92 one is not as spry as if they were 50. There is a whole different train of thought going through your mom's mind. Fear, insecurity, humiliation, helplessness, lonelyness, and other more complicated feelings only your mother can identify, if that is even possible. People at 20, 30,40, 50, 60, etc., have problems expressing their deepest insecurities, so you have to practice mindfulness for both your, and you mon's emotional and physical well-being. As I suggest to everyone, contact your local caregiver alliance organization, every county has one, go to their caregiver meetings, they are free. They also have counseling for free, or scaled. There are a valuable resource to every single family caregiver, or othewise. Whole families can get involed, I assure you.

Oh man! I really felt so guilty because I have those same feelings. mom and i have had a pleasant relationship thru the years...i had never lived near her since i left for college. Now, 40 yrs later i had her move in with my family. Big mistake! I should have had her move close by in her own space. She does not have dementia and is totally recovered from the illness that caused this move. Just this morning she was upset with me because there was a cloth napkin on the floor under the dining room table and I had not picked it up yet and she had TOLD me it was there. I was so perplexed, why didn't she just pick it up? She wants me to wait on her and acts like such a pathetic victim if I don't respond to her the way she wants. She speaks in baby talk sometimes and acts in ways I would not accept from real children. I work in a skilled care facility with elders who are senile and frail. I love my job, but some how mom can irritate me! i don't get it!!! I guess a mother/daughter relationship comes with baggage! sigh. It eats ;me up inside because I want her to get her own place in a senior community, but she is adamantly against that. She wants to live with me. It is hard to change the situation with out tremendous ( and I suspect irreparable harm) stress. Some days I am better than others. I do get breaks, but I feel guilty for wanting my private life back. I feel selfish.

Oh, these feelings are so natural.and normal. I feel them too - definitely resentment, feeling "put upon", etc., etc. I never wanted kids - don't do well around them - and here I am, caring for a 92 y/o toddler who can still push my buttons if she remembers how (and why IS it that she can remember that but nothing else? :) )

I thought I had a clue what it would be like - I gave up everything and moved across country to care for her; she will NOT allow anyone else in the house - but I really had no idea how isolating it is to be here, how lonely.

Fortunately, she's in pretty good shape right now, which DOES allow me to get out for an afternoon here or there...but without friends to share that time with, it's not so enjoyable, really.

But do what you can to get yourself out and about. Is there an adult day-care nearby that you could try? (I've tried, my mom won't go but maybe yours would)

Good luck to you and all of us. :)

Mom hides everything and she thinks I took it. She is good at it, as I can't find a lot of her things anymore. She never left the house and now her purse is gone. Seems like we are always looking for something. I so pity her because she was always strong and just looks at me with hatred sometimes. And I love her, but I am tired myself.

Equinox, my mother went through a time of confabulation. She would tell a story that might have happened in some way, but change the timing and details of the story, usually casting herself in a competent role. After she created the new story, it replaced the old story as truth in her mind. She still believes that on the day my father died, she ran up and down the hospital halls, looking for a doctor, and that my father died quickly, squeezing her hand when he left. She tells how she checked his pulse and knew he was gone. None of this happened. My father ate a hearty meal, then went immediately into death rattles. I thought he might be choking, so I called the nurse. She told me what it was, so we stayed with him 1-2 hours until he passed. My mother was really out of it, since she had taken too much lorazepam. I don't correct her story, though, since she takes comfort in her imagined scenario. It was much more romantic than what really happened.

People can imagine a reality and to them it can become the truth. I have a feeling the people at the facility are right in saying she would have to have help getting up. Your mother probably created the story, but to her it is true.