24/7 caregiving again.... now at age 25. Is there any way we can just say no to this?

Of course you can say no!!

i have to ask, where the heck is your spouse and why aren’t they standing up to THEIR parents? Why aren’t they addressing what is expected of you?

look, nobody can force you to do this. Your in-laws don’t have the right to control your life like this. It is incredibly selfish of them to expect you to give up your life so that they can continue to live life the way that they want. They need to hire paid caregivers or move her to assisted living.

You need to stand your ground and refuse to move in. If your MIL is left alone, simply call APS and report it-vulnerable adult living in unsafe conditions. You can do it anonymously.

Well you can report her hubs for abandonment.. And stand your ground. And tell her family you can not do this, End of story. It's then on them. I agree .. where is your hubs on all this? Is this cultural ? If the family won't help.. offer to help sell the house while "they" watch her, and use the money for her care. Ignore the calls, pretend they don't exist.. whatever it takes, But just say NO!

They want you to be a 24/7/365 caregiver that pays them to live at the house?

Run, don't walk and if your spouse doesn't run with you, well, better you learn now that you can't depend on him/her.

Neither of you are obligated to step up and care for her so he can go live his life. Forget what anyone else thinks about you for saying no. They aren't breaking the door down to step into your shoes.

Tell MIL that soiling herself is far less flattering than depends, not to mention selfish to not do what is required to make caregiving easier for anyone. She needs a catheter if she won't wear something to contain the mess.

The things you have shared tell me you are dealing with some serious dysfunction and you need to protect yourself and RUN!

I want to update you all and express my gratitude!

My partner and I have been together through my father's suicide; my mother is toxic as well! However, we were lucky to have support as he was a respected member of community- we had to plan three furnerals before laying him to rest. It was a long and brutal process leaving me to identify him etc etc.

We found that process left us stronger. However, when we entered the world of caregiving- there are so many life/death & generally heavy descisions to make this has been considerably more difficult. Hugs to you all!

I also believe that i have been quick to embrace his side of the family to compensate for what I have personally lost.

Bckstory on their marraige:
The husband is older than the mil (71) he never expected to outlive her potentially and his resentment is clear.

When i reference to our past caretaking it was during the inital diagnosis and stages of treatment- she was difficult to care for and refused blood thinners on top of her drinking habit. It was an everyday fight to make her take them. She felt she wasnt beautiful since her skin would bruise...

When she had her stroke it was within the week I had put my foot down on his father's retirement and got our home to focus on us.

In that time, since the enabling stopped, they downsized home and moved off the ranch. He stayed with his wife, we checked in as much as we could. Her condition remained stable after recovery from the stroke.

There is bitterness towards me that the property couldn't be kept. My response then and now to the family?
Tough S#*t
It was hard enough to say goodbye to the animals and find homes for them. It was extra work caregiving and working with the horses but in a weird way the animals were there for me!

I truly believe in the pact of marriage and the fil desicion to leave mil as her cancer returns and her condition worsens is reprehensible and my partner agrees.

FIL's resentment that he had to retire to care for his wife shows by her weight as well, I now know he doesnt make a big enough effort to feed her. I undressed her the other day for the first time in a while, and although she is prone to brusing, it was obvious to me she had fallen on her hip and hadnt been bathed in days.

My partner is heartbroken and wants to rush in to help! His mother is calling and texting in emotional outbursts as well.

I have struck a deal with all parties involved for one more month before any commitment in this.

I have met her doctors and involved the family in release of information about the reality of the situation she is facing. I dont believe they care but they cant say they didnt know at the time.

I decided to reach out to my own doctor to reference me to a psychologist- i feel like regardless of what may come im gonna need it. Of course encouraging my partner to do the same.

I have raised the issue of abondment with my partner. He insists it hasn't got to that stage and the cultural heritage does play a major part. I'm pretty disappointed in this because i feel like taking action with an outside party is not shameful.

For now, we are just going to keep visiting to work on the home, her diet, and provide a safer environment.

My partner is passive and very sweet-its much more emotional manipulation and it's very very difficult for him to stand up to his parents. Especially the mother. He shuts down when yelled at. I was rasied in a pretty hard home so i tend to take charge in situations when they become chaotic.

Hopefully he does stand up to them for our marriage and helps me in setting these boundaries.

This may sound petty but you are all right about rethinking the relationship- someone is gonna be left behind and if they get their way it will be me.

Love and blessings ><>

Yes, you can say no. You don't have to take any steps except in the opposite direction. Yes it is too much. It is her hub's responsibility to provide care for her.

I see your partner is enmeshed with his mum. You both might want to seek counselling together to deal with this. I see you are already involved - one more month until...what??? Beware of your fix-it tendencies

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. I hope you are NOT paying for this. That's crazy!

"NO" is a complete sentence. Just say it. And keep to it. Once they realize you and hubby are not rushing to the rescue, they will have no other option than to hire help. Sure they could badmouth ya'll, but that's better than being in the trenches, losing your jobs and your home, and your sanity. If the FIL does abandon her, call APS. Remember something throughout all of this...you and your husband are NOT LEGALLY OBLIGATED to dump your lives and provide care. As long as they think you'll rush in and take over and pay them to do it (and oh holy hell on that twist!), they'll keep on you. But if they have to figure it out, they will or FIL will get legally in trouble for abandonment. Don't sacrifice yourselves for their failure to plan better.

Caregiving is a choice.

Do what is right for you.

Just say NO, NO, as often as needed.   You have no obligations here - her husband does, but not you. And you have done way enough already.  The thing is, no one has any obligation to prop up someone's preferred lifestyle. Period.  Her medical problems are demanding big changes and she and her husband are obliged to make them, not you. They are talking about indentured servitude, which is not legal. By refusing to enable this, you are actually doing them a favor.  They have to bit the bullet and make appropriate changes.  Trying to ignore this reality is a dead-end path for them.
Just say NO. You needn't try to explain - your answer is NO and that is the end of it.  Actually I would suggest being blunt - any explanation will seem to them like they could argue you out of it.  And keep in mind that if husband does not act responsibly, he will and should get a call from APS. Don't be afraid to remind him of the ramification of neglecting his wife. Someone who could actually propose to enslave you does deserve a gentle let-down.  Frankly this sounds like you or anyone else could not keep this rodeo going - your MIL needs adequate care. And if husband complains remind him he promised "in sickness and in health." I suspect he believes women are to be servants. NOT!  That is abuse.

Odd portal, it is difficult to see someone we love not being well cared for, it can make us do things that we don't want to do, but we feel we have no choice. Please do not make a decision based on emotions.

This is a life altering situation for you and your spouse. How it impacts your life needs to be looked at in the decision making.

NO ONE has the right to say you need to do this because...FIL isn't man enough to stand by his wife and the mother of his children...it is a cultural responsibility...it is a religious obligation. Nonsense. Her and her husband need to take personal responsibility for their lives, period. If you guys step in you are enabling them to not do this. Think long and hard before you go there. She sounds like a facility should be her new residence.

Best of luck, it is a rotten situation that your in laws have put you in.

You can just say NO - the care needs are more than you can provide and just don't move in. No one is coming to your house, holding a loaded pistol to your head, and forcing you into a car into slavery.

Call APS if they don't figure it out. Play hard ball - this is your life.