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I ask this question because there is such a correlation.............mental and physical status.
My husband died a horrible cancer death and I was constantly at his side. He was the love of my life. Due to his relentless pain, neither he or I slept and emotionally I felt like my heart was being crushed. I had tons of adrenaline going - especially for the final 6 months. The morning after his funeral, I woke in pain. Spine spasms non stop for many hours. I wasn't even able to move as it felt like every muscle in my body was cramping - like a leg cramp - everywhere! (I am never sick, not a complainer, this was entirely - not like me.') Anyway, the doctor at ER said that after prolonged adrenaline rush - months in my case -the funeral ended the adrenaline rush abruptly. In that case, a person may react in his/her weakest area. (My back had been bothering me for a few months previously but not a big deal). Anyway, that experience taught me a lot about stress. Any other experiences like this?

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I certainly believe caregiving can kill you. One third of caregivers die before the people they're caregiving for and I would imagine a lot of that is from the stress, which is why we're always encouraging each other to take care of ourselves. It does us no good to literally kill ourselves caring for our loved ones.

Take care of yourself first and then your loved one. It took me years to learn that!
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The latest figure I have read is that 40% of caregivers die before the person they care for. I too suspect stress is a major factor. I know it has and does affect my health Definitely take care of you!
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I know that after looking after my Mom for so long when we finally transitioned her into a nursing home it was like my whole body just took a big sigh (if that makes any sense) and then I went into depression. I'm still battling it.
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Yes, I truly believe that Caregiving can kill you. I know the stress of just dealing with my parents has affected my health, I developed breast cancer when there were no other markers pointing at me. I am now in remission I hope as I haven't hadn't seen my Oncologist in over a year... and am now battling panic attacks.

I never had children so now I feel like what a parent would be dealing with teenagers who have lost some common sense, except these teenagers are in their 90's :P

Are we having fun yet?
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I believe stress can kill you, and this is the most stress I've ever experienced -- worse than divorce , moving, loss of my other parent, being broke, job issues. The general unpredictability is what really stresses me. Never knowing who to expect when I call or visit my mother. Always on edge around her, cause anything can set her off into a verbal attack, or crazy thinking.
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I firmly believe the stress of caregiving can kill you. When I was trying to work full time and arrange in home care for my Mom who has dementia I thought for sure I was going to have the big one (heart attack). It was an incredibly stressful time and I was used to working in a high stress environment. I finally gave Mom and my brother the option - I either stay home and take care of Mom fulltime and be financially compensated for it or she has to go into a nursing home so I could go back to work full time. The choice was for me to stay home and care for Mom. I will say the stress is much less now.
I often wonder though if we caregivers can't die of a " broken heart". All the things we've given up to do this job; all our dreams, our homes, our careers, our lives. It's all so incredibly sad. How much loss and sadness can one human being take?
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Yes, all the signs point to it. Even spending 1/2 day with Mom causes physical symptoms in both me and my sister. Sis ends up with an asthma attack and often stomach cramps and an attack of colitis. I often get palpitations, a headache and can feel anger building up inside of me that gives me abdominal cramps. Anything that causes stress symptoms will eventually cause a health problem. I often take a valium before I visit Mom because I know I will feel stress and frustration. Rather than be angry with someone who can't help it, rather than hold in the stress, its better to medicate so it doesn't affect my body.
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Oh yes, those stomach cramps.... I get those the day before and the day of when I have to pick up my parents and drive them to an appointment, and as we all know elders tend to have a lot of doctor appointments. Now I have to schedule those appointments when my sig other has his day off just in case I am too stressed out to drive :(

For years my sig other and I have told my parents we don't like driving their car because not only is it not user friendly but it also causes both of us to get motion sickness big time. No wonder I get sick the day before :P
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I believe the stress can kill you. Dealing with my 82 year old mom with dementia for the last couple of years was a learning experience. I knew from the beginning I would not be a care taker for her. She is finally in an assisted living. I have no idea how all you people deal with it full time. I can't do it and I wasn't going to do it. Just dealing with guardianship duties is wearing me out!
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I absolutely feel that stress can kill you as well. I too realized there is no way I could care for my mom without kicking the bucket myself and she too is now in assisted living. AL isn't that bad at all and she loves it there. I can honestly say, I can only be with my mom for about an hour before I start getting heart palpitations, anxiety, etc.

xmorgan28.....is your mom paying privately for assisted living or was she approved for state assistance like Medicaid?
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My mom is private pay. It's $3900 a month and with SS and a pension it still cost her $2000 a month, not great but it will be OK for a while. They will take Medicaid when her money runs out.
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Absolutely. I came within 5 minutes of death from a massive heart attack. Taking care of Mom was not the only stress factor, but it was the biggest. She is in a nursing home now and I am trying to take care of myself. Too late. I am going blind in my right eye from un-diagnosed diabetes. PUT YOURSELF FIRST when ever you can.
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I have noticed that I hold my breath - when I have to deal with yet another minor crisis. I get painful stomach spasms and I am also having tachycardia at night. It's like I can't wind down, and I wake up several times every night. I've gained weight because I don't have time to go and walk like I used to, and when I get stressed I go hunting for good ol chocolate or snack chips.

(My aunt had breast cancer and didn't follow up because she was trying to help her older sister with caregiving, so Freqflyer try to see the doc if possible)

My parents are the baby of the large family who got attention by complaining, and the middle child whose parents looked after everything, so I do feel like it's like looking after kids, sometimes.
I like kids, but I could have never managed my children at the same time.
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LivingSouth, welcome to the club of painful stomach spasms and fast heart rates... I have them, too. I also wake up several times every night, then I start to channel surf hoping to find something pleasant to watch, like the reruns of Frasier which for some reason will make me sleepy :)

Also have gained weight, it's like where on earth did THAT come from when I hop on the scale... hopping on the scale is my only exercise... how I miss hiking or going to the gym.

Well, it's 8pm so I better give my parents a call... usually it takes 12-15 rings before Dad can get to the phone. Wish my parents would have bought a new answering machine but five years ago Dad said he was going to fix the old one... still waiting. I even said for them to get Caller ID, at least know who was trying to call, but Dad doesn't want to pay the high cost.... high cost???
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freqflyer. I hear you! Yeah, answer machines - Mom has one, but for the past 10 years, most of the time, turns it off by mistake. She doesn't listen to us, doesn't pay attention and even taping instructions on the machine, she can't work it, turns it off, doesn't know enough to push "messages". Also, she has new hearing aids (behind the ear this time) and no matter how many times we tell her, show her, write it down and tape it to the phone, she insists on pushing the receiver hard against her ear, not higher up where the aid is. So we call and get "what?" "what?" "what"? Enough to cause a really severe stomach cramp from the frustration. Then we sigh, and she says "I heard that, you don't know what it is like................" Dementia is part of it, but since she has done that to us long before the dementia - that is why it ticks us off so much. She never listened, never bothered to try to learn or help herself, always the "little helpless girl victim" which puts the responsibility back on us. Yeah, stomach cramps, palpitations, clenched jaw etc.
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Hello I beleive caregving can take a toll on you I have been caregving for person with dementia And I have myself having more health issue and more wore down it seem to make you lose all your social and work skills I used to be alot jobs And now it seem like i with this person all the time Espeicially since her daughter got a job I have to do everything So i believe caregving changes your life And the stress can kill you inside and out
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Oh yes... so we are finding out!... As my doctor said "when stress accumulates it can cause problems". When she said that it went over my head until I started to have skin issues... I could feel the adrenaline running through my body from my head to my toes and through my arms. Adrenaline activates the cortisol in your body, because your body is trying to 'protect/defend' itself (it thinks it's being attacked). We must do everything possible to ward off stress... I know it's hard, but you don't want to get sick!... Let's all of us make a pact here to take care of ourselves... Big Hug to all!
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PS Eat well!... probiotics (for your gut)... etc... daily protein... regular doctor visits... get out and socialize whenever possible!...
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YES
I too had back spasms and went to the ER twice.
My sister and best friend died after 5 months battling brain cancer. She died December 23 and January 4, I went to the ER with pain that I can't describe. I thought I was dying. My blood pressure shot up and I could see.
After test doctors determined stress induced pain. I found acupuncture and talk therapy has helped,but the numbness in my leg is still there.

I''m learning to be kind to myself, I did the very best to care for my sister and the gift we had will help me heal. Breathe,Walk and Meditation.
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Ifeel by round 2 of caregiving may kill me and my mom.
My beloved Aunt passed away last year in May.I cated for her for years.She had cancer and jeat problems. She was my best friend she told me when she became ill she prefer the cancer got her before the dementia got worse.She didnt get her wish she was easy to cate for however watching her mind go was heartbreaking.She began to live wirh me in 2011.
Then in 2013 my mom was hit by a car
She and myself cared for my dad my Aunt during this time would come with me to assist her.Dad last stroke 2012 took his pysichal abilities he need to be assisted in every way.
Mentally dad was good then..
Feb 2014 my Aunt was hospitalized I told dad it was time we bring her home with hospice unless they found a cire for alsheimers it was wrong to put her through any more. And that was her wish.
April 2014 Dad tool a terriblr gall.I told mom he teally need to go to the hospital she disagreed
Got back to be with my Aunt luckly at the time my cousin was staying with us.
Worried about dad felt guilty I knew He should have went but my mom is difficult to deal with.
By morni g my son called 911 that aftetnoon dad was diagonois wirh a cerbal hmorrage and was ti have brain surgery.
Dad was released in May
He now was tube feed.My mom cant handle him alone my son helped alot for I was busy with my aunt.
My Aunt passed May 20
Dad had amother fall they told my mom at hospital she pyshically take cate of him due to the fact she is 78 and suffeted from much injuries from the car accident.
Dad was sent to tehab aka nursing home.
I told him I would clear out apartment asap and move into to help.
June he was released.
Sonce then I have pulled my back oiy sevetal times my mother refuses to pay for help. If I leave I worry evety minute she yelling at him or left him alone.
When I thete she take total advantage of me.
I have been dizzy blurred vision I am a constant wreck. I love my dad but I think it just may kill me.
Oh yeah ladt nigjt fad feel on me my arm is injutef again.
I have 2 brothers I think I will give them 30 day notice and leave they do not help
I jiust dont know anymote
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I am sorry for your loss. Give yourself time to heal yourself and grieve and keep active. Get help for your back pain as there are many things one can do besides taking pain meds. Be kind to yourself and thanks for helping your husband!
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Yes, it can kill you or at least cause many many health problems. In my case taking care of husband with alcoholic dementia and other health issues, while trying to work, handle all the household responsibility and deal with his rotten and selfish children who offered little help but lots of criticism wore me down physically and mentally. I lost 40 pounds that I really could not afford to lose, caught every cold and bug that was going around, have ongoing stomach and skin issues. Last fall I had no choice but to place him in a nursing facility, he was falling two to three times a day - dependent on diapers, unable to get in and out of bed or chair without help and weighs 300 lbs. The picking him up and getting him up had done so much damage to my back I may never be "normal" again. Asking for respite and or help from his three children got me nowhere as they would tell me that I was just "faking it" when my back was hurting so badly or that there was really nothing wrong with Dad - their denial was so that they refused to accept that Dad was an alcoholic - even though until the last couple of years he was drinking two cases of beer a day. The burden was just too much for me - and while I did and still do feel very badly for having to place him in NH - I truly had no choice, I was so worn down physically and the stress of it all, especially with the stepchildren from hell and their need to add constant drama had me so mentally worn done - I
feel I was just days away from a breakdown of some sort. He has been in NH for six months now and I am slowly starting to recover, of course, I am dealing with the guilt of placing him there, the worry of his diminishing health and his mental decline, visiting him as often as I can. So even though I am not physically having to deal with him the mental stress continues and most certainly effects my health. For most of my adult life, I have been hale and hearty - can count on my one hand the number of times I have been to Dr or been sick for the last 30 years - the past couple of years I have just been dealing with one health issue after another and I am sure that the burden of caregiving contributed to my poor health immensely.
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I think stress from any source which one cannot escape, can cause health issues and maybe even death.

My Grandma was doing genealogy. Often she'd get frustrated. Apparently long ago, women, (caregivers to husbands and kids), would sometimes literally run away to another state, change their names, pretend they'd never been married, start a new life. That made her nuts trying to do the work she was doing. But she said she started to see that a lot of the ones who stayed were run into the ground pretty early. After their deaths, the man just married another younger one. Sometimes she didn't make it either, then another one. She was talking about "pioneer days", but it kind of made me think! :-)
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Depending on how you heal yourself emotionally....................

I was a caregiver for my dad. It was brutal. I stayed strong until the end. When he passed, my back went out for 3 months, leaving me hospitalized with back spasms and even convulsions from the pain itself! I had to go to physical therapy for a very long time. I also had chest pain that led me into the ER. The EMT volunteer said that it was grievance pain.

When you lose someone you love with all your heart, your body does go through physical pain. Coping mechanisms and support helps a great deal. Everyone heals differently though.

While my beliefs are set that no, you cannot die from this, I do believe that your quality of life can. There's always that belief that you can die from a broken heart (like usually a year or two after the spouse dies, the other spouse passes too) -- but that's usually at a very old age and giving up the will to live. Your mind is very powerful -- more so than you think. When people mentally give up or accept the incredibly grievance pain -- it can be detrimental.

Sending you healing thoughts. I'm so sorry your going through this.
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My mom is 89 and I'm almost 72! I've been buying their groceries for about 5 years, picking up meds, taking food, etc! Dad passed away over 2 1/2 years ago but prior to his death had to pay a fortune for caregivers! Mom has mantle cell lymphoma diagnosed over 3 years ago! She wants to stay on her home so but won't stay alone at night! She also has dementia! My husband is diabetic and just had surgery to unclog his leg! I've brought mom to our house several times but all I hear is "I want to go home"!
I retired at 61 and looked forward to a good retirement! It isn't happening! I've tried desperately to grant my parents wishes to stay at home until their death! Mom's money is running out even with me paying for lots of her expenses! Without God's help I couldn't go on! I keep praying my health will hold up but sometimes the stress gets me down! I had lower back surgery 3 years ago and retina surgery 2 years ago! I still have other back issues which I try to deal with!
I'm going to take this advice and take better care of myself! What would anyone else do if it comes to placing your parent in a nursing home?
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I know I have had the stomach cramps and spasms and missed many doctors’ appointments. Since I finally got her into assisted living I have been in PT for a knee injury while taking care of her. And been determined to get my walking capability back. I've been wondering how long before the stress hits me hard in another way like a heart attack and it scares the hell out of me. Now I just have to deal with the financial side her care thank goodness. But I also have had to deal with all her brothers and sisters as to why she can't have this or do that she sounds fine on the phone. I don't see what the problems is why does she have to live there. They don't listen to me they don't hear what I have to say. They are all out of state and don't see her but once every year or two years maybe or longer. they didn't live with her while the decline started and everyone said no wait to put her in assisted living she is okay and just fine. I waited for 5 years and said enough. They didn't see her killing herself with drinking and not taking medicine. And not being able to keep track of what day of the week it was or what time of day it was. Or hording everything and donating money to every charity in the world while living with my husband and I and not paying a dime. Or having to clean up after her from the messes she made in the kitchen, living room and the bathrooms. Or the fact that she destroyed my $5000.00 Oriental rug because she liked it. But would never put her dog out to use the bathroom it was too much trouble at night to let her out. Or the fact that I now have to live with this dog that is mean to everyone but me and her. Stress a killer. Yes. Anger that comes from handling it big time. And I've been a pacifist all my life and have gotten mad at people and told them I have a death wish and I didn't know it would be them or me but stay out of my way. I didn't even know it came out of my mouth until it did. Stress, Anger, Hate, Health issues, it can all kill you and you never know when. Take the time now really evaluate the situation is this best for them or you? If the real answer is she would be better in an assisted living so you can go back to life. Do it. Then you can limit your visits and the sputum that is poured on you from others. The rest of the family be damned are they going to be there for you? No. Forget them it is not worth killing yourself over. Getting Medicaid is hard but do it anyway for yourself and for the person that needs the care. Step back.
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Whiska, have given thought to this regarding my Sis who was dying and scheduled to go into a care facility. Based on that in answer to your question, I'd make sure it had a good reputation, try and pick one close to your house, plan on having a cup of her favorite coffee/tea with her for 1/2 hour each morning, call lots, toss her laundry in with mine, have a standing appointment for "dinner at my place" every Sunday night. Make sure she feels like she still has power and respect, is still part of our life, just with a different address now.
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I totally understand. I was mom's POA and Caregiver and support for a year while she lived at home with caregivers and hospice home health full time. That took all her money and then she went on Medicaid with part-time caregivers. Her wish was to stay at home and tho very difficult, we kept that wish for her. She passed away mid Feb. and I have felt exhausted and sad and "odd" ever since then. But I realized after it was all over that I was on an adrenaline high that whole time also. Living long distance and going to see her every couple of weeks on the train. Planning schedules with care givers and talking to Doctors and nurses and my train trips and.......It was quite the marathon. My cell was on hold all the time and attached to my hip. It is now quite lonely but in a good way. Very quiet. Very still. Mom is out of pain and not suffering any more. After her service, which went very well in honoring her, and then parting with her belongings and selling things and all that, I physically and emotionally crashed. I am still recovering and giving myself time to do that. I am now getting more sleep, reading inspirational books, my Bible, praying, resting, going to the gym, swimming, and just taking time for myself that I have not totally done in a year. I felt my year was on hold. on pause. I am getting back to writing. Back to helping people get healthy with my home business. I have mom's elderly dog which I love so I am enjoying her and our walks together. Just trying to get back to enjoying life like I did long ago before mom got so sick. It takes a lot to care for our elderly parents/loved ones who are in poor health and eventually die. We do the best we can. We have no regrets. We do not look back except to learn and pass on what we learned to help others. We try to take care of ourselves as best we can during that process, but afterwards we are bound to feel the loss in great ways personally. The void is huge because the care we gave them was huge. The goal now has to be getting focused on OUR health and OUR well being and what we need to be doing now with the time we have here on this earth. We don't have anything to give away if we are not getting filled up. After caregiving and they pass on, God looks at us and says "well done, thou good and faithful servant." Now, get going on resting and refreshing and refueling for the next task ahead. Stress IS a killer. My kid's dad died at age 47 of heart failure climbing the corporate ladder in his stressful marriage in poor health. If they could call stress a disease they would make a fortune. We all know good stress is healthy. We all know bad stress is a killer and manifests itelsef in many forms. Take care of yourself as best you can during the time our loved ones are alive, but NEVER totally neglect yourself during that time. It WILL kill you. And, when they pass on, put your health and well being at a priority. We owe it to ourselves. Or we will begin to have health issues that will cause us to not enjoy life like we are supposed to! And our loved ones would really not want that for us.
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After reading so many who have had their own health issues, spending their own money to care for their parents, loved ones, etc. and giving up their lives totally to care for them, I must say THAT is not what we are supposed to do!! There is help out there to not have to do that. There is support for relief, there are wonderful Adult Family Homes and Assisted Living homes. Nursing homes are NOT the only option to help. We are never supposed to allow ANYONE to ruin our home or our lives or our health or our finances or our marriages or our whatever in order for us to take care of them to stay in their home. Never. If we do that, we are only enabling them. We are NOT taking care of ourselves as we are supposed to. When that line crosses and it does start affecting our health and lives in a very negative way, causing hatred and anger and such, then it is time for us to step in and make a difficult decision to move them. Do it. Otherwise the consequences will be huge and life long. We are never supposed to lose our life at the expense of another person. Especially when they are in their 80's and 90's and we are in our 60's or 70's! Seek help. Seek Medicaid. Seek support and wisdom and advice to free you of more pain and heatache. Your loved ones may not like it, but you will like yourself more in the end. You have to live with yourself. And YOU are the one left behind after they are gone. Do not lose yourself in their pain. The consequences are far too great.
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They talk about high blood pressure being 'the silent killer' but they are wrong, all the hundreds of thousands of Caregivers that are ignored by society and by their own family have the 'silent killer' diagnosis! Society needs a wake up call but it seems to be going the opposite direction regarding the magnitude of the problem. I cared for my already difficult husband for 5 years after a MVA and it was a nightmare beyond anything I would wish on my worse enemy. I could have written word for word what Marialake posted, always been healthy, took good care of my body and mind, until I became a Caregiver. Well, he died in July 2014 and my health seemed to hit a 'speed bump' but being the optimistic person I had been, I just chalked it up to years of stress and needing time to recover and then get on with the life I had before. Six months after his death I was diagnosed with a 'rare' cancer and no one knows what causes it but I know, for me, it was the unbearable years as a Caretaker and the stress that comes with the job title. Getting him to an AL the last year of his life was just a tiny bit of help but due to all the problems he cased in the facility, I was doing all I could to keep him from being kicked to the curb. Family all around but none would even consider helping. So, my take away is…don't…just don't be 'that' Caregiver unless you are willing to give up your life and your health for the one you love and if so, ask yourself if that loved one would want you to die for them?
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