My mom 77 lives with me. I have one child that is a junior in high school and is preparing for college soon. My other child is in last year of college away from home. I am divorced and have been with my significant other for 5 years. He doesn’t alive with me but spends a good amount of time at my home. We had some rocky times. My mom recently fell and broke some fingers. Then two months later fell again and broke her elbow needing surgery. My SO didn’t seem understanding about me having to cancel acouple of social outings. I tried to have a conversation with him about it saying I don’t know what level of care she needs and we are figuring it out day by day. He was only concerned about who he would go to his niece’s play with. My Birthday was 5 days after my Mom broke her elbow. She was on heavy pain killers and was in bed for several days due to being in so much pain. My SO never offered any support such as if we needed anything from store or if he could bring by take out. On the third day after fall after fall I told him I would have to get a substitute for bowling the next week because she was having surgery and I wasn’t sure how long she would be down. He stopped calling and texting after that. I got a text on my birthday saying Happy birthday hope you have a great day. My mind was blown that he would completely dismiss himself from my life. He asked to talk the day after my birthday and I believe I told him what he wanted to hear which was I was very hurt by him tapping out and not even offering any support to a household that he spend a lot time at and that fed him and took him in as family. I told him since I was insignificant on my birthday that the next few weeks I needed space to concentrate on my mom’s recovery. So in the week to follow, I got two text messages asking if he could get 1/2 the savings we built together as he was going out of town. I was so hurt and angry I had a friend take him all of his things and I Zelle his 1/2 of the vacation fund. I text him and told him I was hurt by his lack of communication and emotional maturity to have a closing conversation after 5 years and wished him well.
heartbroken that this relationship in hindsight was superficial and couldn’t sustain a parent situation. We are both in our fifties. He has no children and both his parents have spouses. He wants a partner with no attachments so they can do what he wants and is free without obligations. He knew for the last 5 years that I have children and a mom that lives with me. We did break up a couple of times in the past and spent a couple of months apart each time. The last time I told him I would only get back with him if he wanted to be a true partner and that he accepted what my life entails which includes balancing time between children, mom and household duties and him. He confirmed he didn’t want to
live without me and we tried again to only have this happen.
would love to hear what others have to say.
You should have learned that long ago, but with some people it takes a bit longer to learn.
He is all about himself and doesn't give a rats ass about you or your mom. He's made that more than perfectly clear and I hope this time you're paying attention.
And to be honest, with everything you have going on with your mom, you probably should stay clear of any further entanglements with men as you honestly don't have the time needed to make a healthy relationship work anyway, as no man in a serious relationship wants to be made second, just like no woman want to be either.
So until you can you can give 100% to someone, and put them first, I would take a break from the dating scene.
Here's another thing to think about. You are drawn into this caregiving gig, and that is now your world. It takes precedence over what he wants to do. I know caregiving; it tends to dominate our thoughts, erode our self-care, and mess up relationships we have with others. We become bound up in it and insular. How is it possible to be a good friend, spouse, partner when we have little interest in our former lives? I'm sure every caregiver has run into this brick wall. If you read posts on here, you'll see some that touch on it.
Sad to say, when we decide or are forced into taking care of someone at home, this is what happens. We lose who we were before, and we lose part of our lives. You might want to ponder on where mom could live and be taken care of by others. Also think about where you want to be in five years - a worn-out caregiver, or a lively person with a social life, friends, and maybe a romantic partner. I don't see that happening as long as mom is your responsibility.
That he has done this before tells me he breaks up with you to get a thrill and then comes back for the food, until the next time.
So sorry you spent 5 years with a spineless little....better luck finding a real man next time.
Thankfully you are not married to this piece of garbage. You can wipe your hands of it.
Consider this relationship tuition in the School of Hard Knocks and move on. Most important, DO NOT let him back into your life under any circumstances, even if your mother is no longer with you.
This man did not want any part of sharing you with your mother any longer . Your mother’s needs were increasing , he saw it was only going to get worse .
Children grow up, graduate , gradually become independent , yet some guys don’t even want that baggage . So long as your mother is living with you , she will only become more dependent on you , creating less time for you and an SO to have a life .
Think about what you want . Do you want to remain a caregiver in your home ? Which IMO will deter a lot of men from entering or staying in a new relationship .
I wish you luck .
The man you write about comes across as wanting an uncomplicated life or at least a less complicated life and more of your time and attention than you can give. Your mother is not that old. At 77 she may live another 10-15 years and her needs will increase so the demands on you re her care will increase. What do you see in the future for yourself? How long are you intending to look after her in your home? The longer your mother is there the less time you will have for others and for yourself. That's the writing on the wall and he read it.
Ideally the two of you should have talked these things through and made joint decisions about what would work for both of you. I think you are both hurt and are not communicating. The balance can only be achieved if you both are open about your needs and both are willing to work them out with each other as you go along and life happens. Communication over issues is not a one and done. It has to be ongoing.
I wish you all the best for your future.
Neither of you are right or wrong. You are in different places in terms of what you want and what you are looking for.
I’m sorry it shook out like this and I only have basic advice to give you on how to move forward such as acknowledge your feelings, give yourself grace, take care of yourself and live as much as possible in the present moment.
Good luck. I’m rooting for you.
I agree with the others, he is not Mister Right for you. It won't work, so you both need to move on.
Don't fret, there are other men out there!
You may find that you have two choices – find a different way to meet your mother’s needs and expectations, or give up the idea of a ‘relationship’ with a ‘significant other’. If you stick with M as priority, you can still date and enjoy a social life, but probably not count on a reliable joint bank account. Been there, done that!
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