My sister (only sib), my parents and I live in the same area (no more than 30-45 minutes apart). My dad passed 20+ years ago and at that time my sister was struggling with bad depression. She was later diagnosed with a few physical conditions including a chronic autoimmune. She is married and has not worked in 25+ years. Post dad passing, I knew she couldn't handle taking on helping my mom with the transition out of the house, setting up her new place etc. I took that on as what I felt was a compassionate move towards both my sister who was struggling and my mom who was pretty lost without my dad. Throughout the last 20 years I have handled most of my mom's financial/personal affairs, plus I have traveled with her quite a bit as most of her friends were still married at that time(she has asked for most of this). I lived the farthest and worked long hours but would make sure that I drove up to spend time with both my mom and sister every weekend. As my brother in law was away for work very frequently during those years, my sister would ask me to stay over with her on the weekends, I would clean her house, help her with anything I could to try to make her life easier. Some stuff I just did for her, a lot of stuff she asked for help with. Fast forward to a few years ago when suddenly I was diagnosed with a chronic and painful disease, lost my job because of it, can no longer drive, and live on disability (I do have a husband who had to change jobs so he could work remotely and have flexible to take me to all my doc appts). It was the year that I was desperately struggling with my new diagnosis had 2 surgeries and all the accompanying life changes plus depression when my sister and BIL bought a house on the other side of the country and decided that they would live there 7-8 months of the year (BIL is now retired) and 4 months here . Meantime my mom is in her late 80's, still functional in her own apt but a complete narcissist, difficult as anyone could be, insulting etc. She needs help with what seems like endless things. She used to be much better but most kindnesses have worn off as she ages, and that is putting it nicely. Due to her age most of her friends are gone, have Alzheimer's or have moved. My husband and I are literally her only contacts when my sister is gone. She refuses to be in a home, live in our same apt building or have outside help come to her apt. My husband also has an ailing father, an ailing wife (me) and works full time. I am new to this forum and have read all kinds of responses on how everyone gets to choose their own path. On a logical level I really do understand that. On an emotional level I feel pretty devastated. I did all that I could to help my sister and take any burden off of her throughout the years. She told me recently, every time I needed you, you were always there for me. Now she is feeling better and moves. And I am sick and depressed, have chronic pain and memory issues and am left to deal with my mom who is close to 90.
What advice can anyone offer to help me with the emotional part? I did tell my sister and BIL that I was really struggling with my mental health and physical pain and being left with care of my mom seems too much right now. They gave me all kinds of advice on how to deal with my mom but the truth is, my sister slipped during a rough time with my mom and said to me "why do you think we moved?". She wants to continue on with our relationship as if nothing has changed but internally I feel desperately hurt and lost (have never said those words to her).
I do get that they are going to do what they want to do. Any advice that might be helpful for me in getting over the resentment towards my sister and emotional overwhelm I feel with my mom?
Thank you!
You willing gave so much out & now it appears nothing is coming back to you. Rationally you probably get that this is because at the time, you had the resources to give.
It is so unfortunate that now when you could use some care in return, your Mother & Sister have nothing to give. I can certainly understand feeling 'cheated'.
I would say be proud of what you gave. Your love, time & effort were beautiful gifts you gave your Sister & Mother.
If they cannot bring what you need, cast your net wider. Surround yourself with those that have shown care. Maybe there are friends that have been supportive? Other relatives or even potential new friends at a support group?
I have been blessed to have wonderful Aunts. Although we are not super close, the contact we have has offered me the common sense guidence my Mother (with anxiety) couldn't give.
I also had to accept my siblings as they are, what they can do/bring (cake & cheer) but not the deeper emotional support I needed.
See how that feels: thinking of the past more as a gift from you to them, rather than a transaction that must be evened up. Try to let it go.
Then look for the support you need elsewhere.
Chat about Stubborn Mom to be continued... Put your own oxygen on first ☺️
You didn't think your sister might be giving you a tip?
Just suppose, for the sake of blue-sky thinking, that you and DH also moved far away. Or even, though I don't want to be morbid, that you yourself had no choice but to move, six feet under, because the excessive workload literally became the death of you (it's not impossible).
What would become of your mother?
This is the question you need to examine. The reason *why* you might become unavailable matters less than forming for yourself a realistic perspective on what happens when you can't be your mother's primary caregiver. Answering that question by doing some research should lead you to realize that there are in fact options for your mother which are not cruel, nor neglectful, nor even unfilial (no matter what complaints she might voice). There are - and must be, because nobody in this world is indispensable - other ways to ensure she receives the support she needs which don't overburden you.
You are brilliant Countrymouse.
”If you CHOOSE to give (offer, share, extend…..), do so WITHOUT EXPECTATION OF RETURN”.
That idea has worked for me.
You sound like a VERY caring, perceptive, compassionate human being to others.
Are you extending the same generosity of spirit to yourself?
Do for YOURSELF what you consider best FOR YOU.
You have done your best for others, out of kindness. You will not benefit from your anger until you apply your caregiving skills to yourself.
Please give it a try. You’re portent.
Tell mom that you have to limit what you are doing for her for your own health and safety.
Groceries, medications can be delivered.
She can hire caregivers if she needs them.
Ride share, cab, bus are all viable methods of transportation if she has to go someplace and you are unavailable to take her (I hope you are unavailable often)
It sounds like you and your sister both leapt in when dad dies and did not let your mom navigate her life after as a single/widow person. All the times you took her on trips she could have gone with "tours" and met people and learned that she is capable to do things. (By my guess and your figures your mom might have been in her mid-late 60's when dad died, that is far to young to be latching onto you or your sister and becoming that dependent. But that is water under the bridge and we can't get a "do over" in life.)
Let mom make the decision if she wants to transition to an Independent living /Assisted Living facility and you can make that happen by backing WAY off on what you are doing. Make it very clear to her that you can not continue, your health will not allow it.
I've always found it perplexing, that those who duck responsibility are the first to 'give advice', to those who shoulder it, in their place. People who *could* have had experience, but *chose not to*. In my opinion, this isn't 'giving' anything.
In a lot of articles on this topic, people on the receiving end of this are told they have to forgive to let go of anger. For myself, I choose to suspend judgement, because philosophically I have trouble with forgiving things (or omissions) that someone has done (and is not at all sorry), and is still likely yet to do. (but, could choose otherwise, if they wanted to). A little too close to enabling, in my opinion. Anyone who needs a judgement sooner than that is free to treat me fairly, they'll get fair recognition right away.
I am still able to see that it's in my interest to detach anger from my suspended judgement. I won't tell you it's easy, I just don't like having to choose between being angry, or a doormat.
Sadly, I have come to understand this quote 'when people show you who they are, believe them', and it's harder for me to pretend I don't believe them, the older I get.
When Sis is home, you back out of helping Mom. Tell her you need a respite. Leave it all up to her.
*Your husband needs to back u up. If your illness is serious he needs to make ur Mom realize how serious. He seems to be a patient man to allow u to spend weekends with ur sister and clean her house too. With working how did u get anything done? And, do not make husband feel that your Mom will be his responsibility if something happens to you. I think he has given enough with what you do and did for Mom and Sis. Sis needs to be told this too. Moms future will be in her hands.
No is a complete sentence.
When saying No, you are not responsible for the reaction you get.
My mantra...I am here to help people find a way, not be the way.
So make it clear to mom that you are not available to her as much anymore due to your own illness and the need to manage IT now. Help her get settled in IL or AL (I suggest AL at 90, having help on hand is priceless) and leave it at that. Self love and care is vital at this juncture in your life and I suggest you focus on that rather than continuing to cater to a selfish mother who likely doesn't appreciate your efforts ANYWAY (since you say she is narcissistic). Let her move onto a new adventure now, it's high time she do that!
I truly hope you're able to care for yourself now and not feel 'guilty' that you're not available 24/7 for your mother anymore. Your sister did what she felt was right for HER, not taking your needs into consideration, which is something that feels hurtful to you, I understand that. I don't know how you get past the resentment you feel towards her except to know that she did what she did to get away from MOTHER, not you. At some point in life, we all have make decisions to best serve our own needs b/c suddenly it feels like life is going by entirely TOO FAST. I doubt she did what she did to spite you, but to enrich her own life.
Wishing you the best of luck with all you have on your plate.
I fully respect how other people respond to their situations, but for myself, for the time being, one thing I will NOT do, is engage in revisionism. These were NOT gifts from me to siblings, they were extorted from me over a barrel (ie, 'do I want to be the last one, to turn my back?' the clear, if unspoken proposition). Nor were they a gift to the parent, I consider it a return favor. I may some day forgive it, but I don't plan to ever gaslight the reality away.
When my dad died, this is what my brother and I did with our mom and aunt who could not drive. Within 2 months they moved into independent living and we sibs could enjoy just visiting with occasional outings or doctor trips.