I tend to be long winded so I will try to make this as brief as I can. My mom had to go into a NH in December due to brain injury from radiation. She can barely walk, is very weak and unable to perform ADL 's without assistance.. She was falling EVERY day at home. I'm her only child and never knew my father. She has never respected my boundaries and I'm just recently realizing I was emotionally abused by her and our relationship is enmeshed. I posted before that I lived with her until I was 35 when I got married. I only stayed because she made me feel so guilty about wanting to live on my own.
I tried valiantly to get her into assisted living but in rehab they said she was too weak for it and needed too much help. So she is in the nursing home now. I have gone to visit twice a week at least. She calls me multiple times a day. If I don't answer she calls over and over. I have never been able to set boundaries but I'm learning and I've been silencing my phone at night because she wakes me up and doesn't care, but I wake up to multiple missed calls. Today it was 13. I just talked to her a little while ago and she said I have neglected her and I don't do enough for her and the other peoples kids do more and bring them snacks and stuff. I do bring her food. I have decorated her room nicely for her. For Valentine's day I took her flowers and candy and and a nice card and a card by son made. I have a husband and son and a house and am also getting all her affairs in order like applying to medicaid and selling her house, which is a total mess.
Her brother hasn't seen her once and I said why don't you call him yelling and she said it's not his responsibility to take care of me. I lost it and said it's not mine and I have done everything I can for you. I finally just hung up because I can't talk to her and my husband routed her to voicemail.
I really don't know what to do. She thinks I'm a horrible daughter and I don't know what to do. I feel like never talking to her again because obviously she thinks so little of me anyway and I don't want her hurting my son, who I have worked REALLY hard not to treat the way she treated me.
But I know I would feel guilty because she has no one else.
I don't know what I'm asking here. Maybe just venting. I just know I'm in a no win situation.
You have been raised by this person and that has consequences for your life; get a good counselor. I wish you and your Mom the best and glad she is in placement for her.
No one can do this for you but yourself. It is a this point a choice that you and you alone must make.
The g-word more appropriate to this situation is not guilt, but grief. That is what has happened in this relationship a whole lifetime. Seek help for yourself in counselling so you do not stay in the same muddy rut.
Life is full of no win situations. Sadly. I wish you the best.
You're a great daughter. You're a loved and loving wife who appreciates her husband. You're a loving and protective mother who wants her child to grow into a healthy and independent young man. You're also a self-respecting individual who knows what demands are reasonable - even if you don't always insist that the limits are respected.
Your mother isn't right in the head #1. She is harking back to the long-established pattern where you were her emotional audience until you escaped aged 35 #2. It isn't likely she's able to change even if she recognised the value of doing so #3.
You do love her and you are not a bad daughter. She is well looked after. You see her regularly and you are kind to her. You told her no more than the truth when you pointed out that you are not responsible for her, it's just a shame it had to be forced out under duress.
The only thing I think I'd change is: stop counting the number of missed calls.
Alva, I am seeing a new therapist next week. I told the phone therapist it wasn't a good fit for me and am seeing someone in person next week. I'm hoping this one will be a better fit for me and can help me work through some of these issues and set better boundaries with my mom. To me, just "firing" the other therapist was a big step!
My mom did apologize tonight but it's always like this. She blows up at me and says how horrible I am then idealizes me the next day. From all I've read it's par for the course with BPD.
Somehow, despite this, I've managed to make a life and identity for myself and have some self esteem.
I love my mom and have compassion for her because I know she didn't choose to be the way she is and I forgive her for it. It's just so hard sometimes.
It is doubly hard to see her with this brain injury after seeing someone strong as an ox all my life. Despite anything I could ever say about her she was always so strong and worked hard and it is hard to see her so weak.
I've let go of a lot of the guilt of her being in the nursing home, Alva, because I know it is grief like you say. She is safe where she is and is actually making friends and the facility is taking good care of her. No place is perfect and unfortunately my mom always expects perfection but that is just her. I know she is in a good place and I take comfort in that.
I think therapy will help me. I look forward to it and wish I didn't wait until 51 to start it.
Again thank you all for being so kind and helpful.
Since your Mom is in staffed accommodation & staff should call you (in theory) with any emergency or major issue, hopefully you can learn to let go a little. To decide on the level of social contact (phone & in person) with your Mom that works.
There are a few other threads on that kind of pressure at the moment - I don't know if other's situation will help you or not. The crux for me is that a person has their needs for communication, social & emotional needs. Their needs are valid. But expectations of what an adult child, with their own life, can provide need to be realistic. To provide 100% is not realistic - it's bonkers. Folks with faulty thinking may lack the insight to know this.
Do it.
Since she has dementia from her treatments, etc., I don't know that I would go as far as estrangement. I would try to cut back a bit. You can NOT make her happy and you can NOT be the only person that she gets anything from. With her broken brain she will not/can not understand everything and that's OK. You just keep sticking to her boundaries - she doesn't have to understand or agree to anything. You just repeat how it's going to be and if/when she starts being mean and difficult, have a vague response ready where you tell her you need to go and will try to talk to her tomorrow and you hope she will be in a better mood.
And definitely don't take her out. That's just a recipe for disaster. You don't have to lay it all out for her as to why but just have some vague excuse or something about "we'll see, maybe next week, this week is just crazy busy for me", etc.
Is she taking advantage of the things the nursing home has to offer? If not, can you ask the staff to please take her down to entertainment, make her take her meals in the dining room, etc.? She has too much time on her hands.
Best of luck.
Her NH is great about coming to get people for activities and they offer some really good ones and I have encouraged her to participate and she actually has been which I'm happy about.
I just think she feels like she is in prison because she has to call for help to get up to the bathroom and stuff. And she doesn't have unlimited access to snacks and coffee, both of which she is a bit obsessed with. She does get both, just not enough for her. She is just so used to doing things her own way. I'm hoping some of this is just adjusting to the situatuion, but she is not someone who is good at that.
I have been trying to find a therapist. The first one was by phone and told me I was lucky my mom is able to call me because hers couldn't. So that didn't work out. I'm meeting one in person next week and I hope it goes better.
I really appreciate your kind words. ❤️
Her phone, if you are the only one she calls, I may "lose" it. If you do, tell the staff so they don't go looking for it. I doubt if she is going to understand she can only call you once a day. It's probably partly anxiety on her part. Maybe she can be given something to make her sleep and something to calm her. I would block her. Then you have no idea she called. I put mine on Do Not Disturb from 11pm to 9am. I can look at the phone anytime to see if I have received a call. Maybe call Mom in the morning and then at 7pm just to check in. If she starts on you, say "just wanted to check up on you so bye till...You have to set boundries for you. She no longer can honor them.
Why did you need to take her to a Doctor? The one associated with the facility should be able to take care of most things. If a specialist, does she really need to see him/her? Maybe the facility Doctor can handle her problem with him/her consulting with the Specialist when needed. What happened to you when you took her, would not happen again with me. I would tell that Doctor she no longer can be transported outside the facility. Maybe he has a NP that can come to the facility to see her.
When you see the therapist, I think the first thing you need to learn is the tools to deal with Mom. Then try to reconcile the past. When all is said and done, you will know in your heart you did enough and you can live with that.
In a way, I've always been her parent, because she always leaned on me emotionally and basically I was everything to her.
She really doesn't have much filter these days and is somewhat inappropriate at times even though she is technically of completely sound mind and not confused yet. I'm trying to learn to let things she says roll off my back and I have been doing better and setting boundaries. I hope therapy helps more with that.
Thank you for your great advice!