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She has medical issues herself with uncontrollable diarrhea and now he is becoming incontinent. She has always had him waiting on her, hand and foot. Doing all of the chores or projects she comes up with. But now he does not even know what a screwdriver is much less how to use it. She keeps asking him to do this or that and then gets mad and hollers at him when he gets or does it wrong. I ask her why she does that when she knows he has dementia and her response is that she keeps hoping he will rise to the occasion. WHAT! REALLY! I think she knows that there is no one else on this planet that is going to kiss her ass like he has always done so she doesn't want him to go.

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Connie, sadly it sounds like your Mom is in denial about your Dad's condition.... maybe it is time for both to move to a more manageable residence, maybe a facility where Dad is in the memory wing, and Mom over in independent living.

My Mom still thinks my Dad can do everything he use to back when he was in his 50's... now at 93 Dad has issues with seeing and with balance, so fixing anything is quite a challenge, and he makes whatever he is trying to fix even worse... [sigh]. Plus Mom will send Dad outside to help me unload my vehicle of groceries... good heavens how is he suppose to carry a heavy bag of groceries and also try to use his cane at the same time. It's all denial on both sides.
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I feel for you. It must be torture to watch your father being treated like this. But - I don't know if it'll help to think of it this way or not - it's what he's used to.

Focus really tightly on his best interests, first. Hypothetically, you find him a really good, really nice dementia care unit and by hook or by crook get him in there. The question is, would he be happier? You and I might be; but he'd have been removed from the wife he's served all these years: it's sad to think of, but he might find the loss of that atmosphere that you find so stressful more painful than anything else.

That doesn't mean things can continue as they are. He is no longer able to support your mother, and clearly she is going to need support if she doesn't already. So either care has to come in to the home, which at least will mean a new layer of protection for your father, or they both move to a supported living environment.

If she's not budging after you've pushed for a while, and it's getting to the point where her treatment of him is unmistakably abusive, you're going to have to confront her, stony-faced, on that point and tell her you're getting them assessed whether she likes it or not. Then act on it. So do your homework, get your social workers, OTs and the like lined up; and then best of luck to you. I agree that something is going to have to change; it's a question of making as sure as you possibly can that the change feels like an improvement - for both of them, ideally, not just your more deserving Dad!
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I agree that your mother is in denial and hasn't accepted NOR does she understand what dementia really is. One suggestion would be for you three go to your dads physician and have a reality discussion with mom there. I'm assuming your dads dementia was assessed with testing and given a stage. The doctor can explain in private if that is necessary what your dad has and what he is and is t capable of. My advice would be for you to go see or visit on the phone first with the doctor so you can explain why the 3 of you are coming and the support you need by him/her. This way too if your dad is at all reluctant you have backing and it's not just you determining these things. What is paramount is your dads best interest and safety. This is the hardest stage of life and so hard on the children. I wish you an easy go of it.
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Countrymouse's reply is spot-on. This situation is so untypical. I look up and down our street and 6 homes out of 14 have caregivers treating a loved one for Alzheimer's. Please know, everyone of those caregivers handle their situation differently. Some are very professional accepting their loved one's condition and others are in self denial. What is really sad, there isn't any program that I know of that checks on the treatment administered by family home caregivers. Anyway, BOTH of these people need help and should be in an assisted living home environment. What are you waiting for? One, or both, to fall and be seriously hurt or become abusive to the other? In fact, your mother is already emotionally and mentally abusive to your father! Does she really feel he has any self-esteem or dignity with her expecting him to do what he no longer can! Not certain about the family physician. I would make an appointment with an elder attorney. Yes, it would cost, but the advice would be impartial. If the parents has a PCP like my husband's, he is next to worthless unless there is a drug or pill to push. Most physicians are way too busy to give nurturing advice when it comes to where patient's should live regardless of their health. But, let's be honest. Both parents are in dire need of help and it looks like the daughter is their only salvation. PLEASE seek help ASAP. One day of delay may be too late. Sorry if this reply sounds a tad bit uncaring for it is not. I help those with canes trying to get their mail or newspapers in the driveway every day. I shovel snow and put salt on ice-laden walkways of homes in the winter. I do it because our neighbors need the help. Plus, I've seen first-hand how detached and snarky caregivers can be. Good luck and God bless.
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Yes to talking with the doctor. You need a good professional team to run interference and make this happen. Start with the doctor. Go to a geriatric doctor. Talk to the Area Agency on Aging. See about a social worker. find a good home for them and talk to the staff about the problems you are having. Get their advice. Work up a plan of action. Get a team together. Then, when the next mishap occurs, it will be easier to argue.

This is really just a question of sooner or later. It is so much better to be sooner.
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2nd the motion to start with the doctor. They can make an objective, rational recommendation that this couple is no longer able to live independently, and need daily aides and/or Asst Living or nursing home . Let the doctor, or possibly a Geriatric Nurse Advisor, make an assessment and recommendations. That way, if the parents want to get mad at someone it is those professionals. And you can say, let's get a 2nd, and 3rd opinion on that. Then when you have 3 teams of professional people all saying "they cannot live independent" it will be pretty tough for parents to argue otherwise.
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I, too, agree with Countrymouse. Your parents are functioning as a system, dysfunctional as it may be. Your mother's health issues may be contributing to her anger and abuse. You also sound very resentful towards her, which is understandable. I think your first step is to get them both evaluated medically to assess the feasibility of living independently. It sounds as if they need daily help at the very least. Good luck. I know the hardship of having trying emotional situations with aging parents.
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What role do you play Connie in helping? Doesn't sound like you do much or are willing to help. Only you know your family situation and how you feel about your parents. But from your tone you sound very resentful or very self absorbed. Or maybe you're both.

And you're not exactly what one would call classy with your "a** " comments either. In fact your post is quite hateful in the tone it is written, maybe it was done in a moment of anger. I realize not everyone had the kind of parents I had, but there is a lot of venom in your thread.
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I had exactly the same situation. My mom was in denial of my dad's condition, primarily because she didn't want to accept the fact that life had changed for her. We had to wait until she hit rock bottom with him. He became incontinent and she'd be cleaning it up all over the house. He'd walk out the door and get lost, and call me at work for help. He would lash out verbally and very angry. She was trapped, and no matter what I said she wouldn't let go. Finally, she reached her breaking point and I was ready to help her pick up the pieces. It wasn't easy because they were married 71 years and were each other's best friend. If she's as stubborn as my mom was, I just had to wait it out until she couldn't deal with it any longer. Just do your homework and start researching memory care facilities. You may need to have your dad be put on a waiting list. In the meantime, keep mentioning it to your mom. When the time's right, she'll let go.
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I wouldn't try to convince someone that is off the tracks too. Make a family decision aboutwheretheyarebegetof and put it into place. Period.
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I have done a lot of reading knowing what could be ahead w husbands alz & what is now, I wonder if you could read w your mom articles or bk 36 hr days. Find her a handy man to do the honey do list. Get her going to a support group. It took me a whileto realize the desease changes the brain never to gain it back. Think of him as you would a 5 yr old. Always keep ahead looking for the place which trained persons will know how to care for him. We wives sometimes think they can't survive w/out us. I'm CONCERNED THAT FIRST NITE HE WON'T HAVE ME THERE TO CONSOLE HIM. It will come & we will both survive w Gods help. Married 60 yrs.
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My mom tried yelling and scolding as therapy for my dad's vascular dementia and it didn't work very either. After a while it actually made him worse (imagine that!!) Once he got to the point of saying he was going to shoot her - and yes, we got the remaining firearms in the house unloaded - and then started falling and she could not get him back up without calling 911 - she finally had him placed in skilled nursing. She would never accept help in the house either, she thought she would have to feed and entertain them and she wasn't up to it. What I didn't realize is that her "stubborn denial," apparent meanness, and constant verbal abuse was the beginning of her own cognitive decline. I started to suspect it when she could not manage the Medicaid application as she had done on a previous occasion when he had needed subacute rehab after an MI, and she let me start to have a look at her finances so I could help with that...

My message to you is 1. hugs and sympathy, sister!!, and 2. it's time to start getting the ducks in a row (healthcare and financial POA papers, will, etc.) and the options lined up for care for both of them. The emotions surrounding all this are very, very hard. Give yourself time to adjust and get all the support you can from friends and family.
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Irishboy i disagree with you. First, she is venting which if it wasnt allowed here would make us all crazier than we are. Second. She hss one bad word in her post oh my! Turn on the tv and you will hear worse rhan that daily. Connie i hope you get help for them but sometimes you have to wait til they are st a bresking point to get them to change.
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