My 92 year old mom fell and broke her hip and fractured her neck last Nov. believe it or not she is a fighter and is using a walker. She is legally blind and has COPD. She's on OX 24 hours. She is beginning to realize she has to stay in assisted living now. She wanted to go home to a big house alone. I'm having a hard time cleaning out her house. She doesn't want me to get rid of anything in case she goes home soon. My son and his family are moving in soon what do I do?
Please also pat your son on the head from me for being so respectful of his grandmother's wishes.
The fact that the house is, formally speaking, family property makes the key difference. I'd suggest a nominal compromise, so to speak: clear the house, boxing up anything you know to be of particular importance to your mother. Earmark a bedroom that could technically be hers should the need arise - spare room, study. Research home care options - likely to be prohibitively expensive, but then again not likely to come into play - and outline with your son a workable plan for the hypothetical scenario that mother does 'take up her bed and walk'.
The outcome to aim for is that son and family proceed smoothly with their move, while allowing a margin to accommodate unforeseen radical improvements in your mother's circumstances.
To be honest, its only probable practical value is that it will soothe everyone's consciences! But that's not nothing: it's much easier to move forward if you're confident you're doing the right thing.
If this were my mom, I'd say " would you rather we rent it to grandson or to strangers, mom? Your choice: you're the one in charge here".
The idea is that you give what's called a "forced choice". Asking open ended questions of elders with dementia is a recipe for disaster.
Her husband had passed several years ago and the house was burden to her. What her family members agreed to was to communicate with her the reason she needed to be in a safer place. They kept her in the loop so she had some control of what they were doing with her house and her belongings. What she agreed to was keeping the house in the family. She sold the house to one of her grandsons. The key was communication, she is of sound mind. Also they had an attorney involved.
She is content with the decision she made and the family reminds her they are happy the house was kept in the family. So many memories were made there.
We have been caring for the elderly for over 20 years and the stories I have heard and experienced. All I can say is, at the end of your life you will find out who LOVEs you.
I pray everything works out for your mother and family.
God Bless You!
l
There could be vast legal problems with this arrangement as well.
If they wanted to make it more "legit" the Son and family could "rent" the property from Grandma, that might provide an income for her if she needs it. Or if Grandma is of sound mind she could sell the property..at fair market value. This way there is no problem if medicaid has to become involved.
The mother is, barring miracles, not going to return to her home. I don't argue with the sense of that or that she is to be discouraged from pursuing false, risky hopes.
But at the time of posting, the mother had every (groundless, whatever, doesn't matter) intention of returning to her home, and it was a major motivation for her. She has been co-operating well, evidently, and making progress in her recovery.
Lucy goes on to explain that one reason she feels the need to get on with clearing out her mother's house is that her son and his family are on the point of moving in.
Well, excuse me: is this with or without the mother's knowledge and consent? Whose understanding is it that mother is moving out and young family is moving in?
My fear is that they have improperly got ahead of themselves. You cannot just take liberties with somebody else's property, not even if it's a racing certainty that she won't be returning to it.
As I say, I hope mother/grandmother has been kept in the loop and has already agreed; but I would like to hear so.
If they are things the family wants divide up what family members want and tell your Mom that everyone will be taking something to keep it safe.
As my Mom said...better from a warm hand than a cold heart when passing out her "treasures"..and I can tell you several never made it past the garbage can when I took them home. She never knew nor did I think she really cared once they were gone.
If there are a few things that she can keep with her in Assisted Living bring them to her it will make her feel more at home.
I guess we knew in our heart of hearts that she was never going back there to live. She'd been in Independent Living for more than a year.
It seemed like " to ask permission is to seek denial".
When we cleaned out my parents house we hired a huge dumpster that sat in the driveway and we just walked or carried stuff out to that and threw it in. Once it was filled the company came and got it and left an empty one.
Don't take this on alone. It's emotional.
There is only one material question that has to be settled first. Is your mother of sound mind, legally competent to make her own decisions?
Just gently remind her that she is where she needs to be for her own best interests and simultaneously start clearing out the house. We cleared out my grandma's after her final "fall" and subsequent move to a NH. Once she realized she was never going home, she actually helped us to decide what went where and to whom. We were able to pack her whole house up, give items to people she wanted to have them and actually get ready for the aftermath--before. She died less than 2 weeks in the NH, and went peacefully. Mother was the only sib in the state and we'd boxed up the other 2 sibs things so well, they came in for the funeral and either took their things or had them shipped.
Most people don't have that opportunity. You know your mom can't return home and I wouldn't dwell on that with her-- but you can ask her about specific bequests while she still is with you.
Yes, it's a daunting task, even with a smaller condo that grandma lived in, it was a LOT of work. With a whole home---it can take next to forever.
Good Luck with this. I hope your mom adapts to the NH well and makes some friends and can have some pleasant memories, despite it not bring what she "wants".
Many elders don't realize that they often have MORE independence living in Assisted Living. I never could convince my parents of that, mainly my Mom.
It would have been easier to convince your Mom is the house was being sold. Such as no more worry about property taxes.... maintenance/repairs.... lawn maintenance... snow shoveling.... replacing appliances.... homeowner's insurance..... window and/or plumbing or electrical wiring replacement. And being by herself, what if she fell again. Of course, an elder will have an answer to each item, whether is it logical or not.
Right now your Mom will become the "landlord", thus she is sill responsible for the property taxes, and everything on the list above.
Income taxes will be different for an investment property being rented will need to be declared as income minus what ever expenses she had for the income tax year. Someone will need to keep track of the income/expenses. I had to hire a CPA for this, because investment property was too complex for me come income tax time.
Plus your Mom could give you a convincing story that since her grandson and his family will be in the house, they would help take care of her.
Hope this will be a win-win for everyone involved.