But then complains that she is bored. Sunday morning she woke up at 6am and wanted to get up. I asked her what she needed and she said "Peace of mind". What am I supposed to do? Apart from helping her with dressing, cooking meals and taking care of the house she also requires someone to organize her entertainment. But then complains that it was boring, no fun, not what she expected, the same as before, cant walk, couldn't hear, is cold, is hot, is thirsty. is not thirsty etc etc.
She does not seem to appreciate that once I am finished helping her that I then need time to do the same for myself. I get her up, dress her, give her the only breakfast that she doesn't complain about, clean her room, make the bed, clean the bathroom, do the laundry. Then as soon as I sit down for my coffee and breakfast she asks..."What are we going to do for fun today? I ask her what she would like to do and her reply "I don't care - whatever"
Does your mom read? Would she enjoy magazines or catalogues? Does she watch tv? Can you enlist her help in taking care of the house? Can she fold her own laundry? Feeling obligated to entertain someone is exhausting. I suspect that you do a lot for your mom and going out to lunch occasionally would be lovely for her but make it a special event and not an everyday thing.
I don't think you said if your mom has dementia. If she does than that's a whole other story and different rules apply.
It's really sad, and you need a lot of patience to handle it. It's not the elders fault that they're a pain in the ass, they have no clue that they are a pain in the ass. For them, everythings gravy. My mom has no real interest anymore in anything. She's very far gone mentally. I have to keep what I say and ask her to a work or three...she won't understand much else beyond that. I get so frustrated because I don't know what to DO with her sometimes.... She would scoot around the facility all day and night...she can't do that here at all, so... Hopefully a couple outings a day outside will get her at least some exercise and tire her out some.. Some days I'd be tickled if she took a nap... She doesn't get that I need me time. She doesn't know that it's only been a couple minutes since she saw me, or somebody, to her it might as well be forever. I've got a needy, 168 lb infant on my hands, age 2 at the most. You can't explain anything anymore..
We should invent some entertainment 'toys' for the elderly, something that would focus their attention, something hands on that they could do but nothing hard to do. *sigh* Would be nice..
Tell your mom that since she 'doesn't care' about what you're going to do that day, and is refusing to contribute any input to help you decide what would be fun for her, you'd really appreciate it if she wouldn't complain afterward. After all, she did say she didn't really care, right? Well, remind her that she gives up all rights to bitch when she plays that hand... and if all she's going to do is bitch, she'll be bitching at the walls, because you're not having it. Sometimes you just gotta lay it on the line, put your foot down. Some things are not ok, and dogging you without mercy when all you're trying to do is your best for her is definitely not ok, so tell her that, then walk. Chill. Let her stew a little. Sometimes that's just what it takes to stay sane and calm. Better that then sitting there listening to that kind of constant, never ending dissatisfaction. Your spirit shrinks a little with each word... No. Just...go. Half hour. Out in the yard. Wherever. That's what I do, and it helps. When my mom was still able to speak, I just walked away from verbal battering and non stop griping and endless complaints. I didn't want to hear it. Again. And again. And again. And...yeah... All you can do is your best and take comfort that you're doing it, if you've been given one of the grumpy ones...some people handle old age much better than others...
I feel like I can never do enough and that maybe I should be doing more...
We go out for lunch once or twice a week, sometimes a dinner, sometimes a brunch. But she has constant dr appointments, refuses to do exercise/therapy unless it is free and one on one.
Deep down I know it's not going to change I'm looking for reassurance that I am doing enough.
This seems to be a realistic forum...and I appreciate any and all support/advise
Just as she is all sweet as pie for the doctors, she will probably be delightful with other people who will be a change of pace for her.
In my area, there is also a free senior companion phone line. Once a day, a retired volunteer will call your loved one just to check in and see how she is doing. If she wants to rant, she can do that with the caller. I know that your mom can't talk much, but she might be able to respond with short answers to an outside person. Check with your local Center on Aging or RSVP agency to see if there are such services available.
You mentioned an adult type of toy. I read on a blog about a talking parrot toy that has proven entertaining for elderly folks with dementia. It repeats back to the speaker anything that the speaker says. The voice is made to sound funny, like a parrot talking instead of a person. You might want to try something like that.
You are absolutely doing everything possible to take care of your mom. You realize that she can't help being a PITA, but that doesn't help you when you just need some down time. Keep up the good work and let us know how things are going, Shackled. You are not alone.