My MIL is 76 has severe depression and anxiety and has been very isolated for 5-6 years, afraid to venture out anymore, especially after COVID. The loneliness she deals with is unbearable and has become increasingly paranoid of everyone and has become very neglectful of her health. She used to volunteer and was very active with friends until her depression and anxiety got to be too much about a decade ago. Her and my husband do not get along and they has no one else in their family to help, as they have all passed on or live too far away. She been alone since the early 90's when her husband died and has never gotten over his death 30+ years later. When my husband was a teenager she wanted him to quit school to take care of her, which thankfully he didn't and it caused a lot of resentment between them. She is always fearful and scared, doesn't trust doctors or medications except xanax, which she takes every 2 hours to deal with her panic attacks. She tells me and my husband she is going to die, which has been going on for awhile, giving away her things and her cats because she doesn't want to take care of anything anymore.
She has no money and lives on SS and the senior living apartments around our area are out of her price range (we live in Florida in a beach town, so it's very expensive down here). Driving herself has become difficult due to her nerves, so we've been having groceries delivered to her home when she can't get them herself, which is becoming more frequent. My husband has a very short fuse with her, helps her when he can and then leaves. Anytime we visit her its so emotionally taxing to constantly listen about how much she hates everything in her life, hates where she lives and so on and so forth. She has a therapist that she sees regularly, but told me she only sees them to get xanax and tunes off any help they try to provide or take any antidepressants.
Could the Council of Aging possibly help her? We've called a Place for Mom and they've all told us she is too young for assisted living and offer senior living options that are out of her price range. It's probably not too soon to look into longterm care options, as it could be years before we have to make that final decision and it's not like there are automatic placements when she is finally ready. She can't live with us and she has no desire to. My husband does not want to take her independence away from her, because once its gone, it's gone. I'm a bit at a loss since no one in my immediate family has had to go a home in my lifetime. My 92 year-old grandmother just recently went into assisted living, which she paid out of her own pocket until her house sold.
I lived with a mother who was the anxiety & 'nervousness' Queen of the universe, but not to the degree your MIL is (thank God). It's very difficult to deal with this personality type, to say the least/ b/c nothing you say or do breaks through the fear wall they've constructed around themselves. Her whole life she refused meds, although she DID take the occasional Xanax. After I moved my parents to my state (I'm an only child) with the stipulation they'd be living apart from me in Senior Independent Living, mom got very sick and was hospitalized 2x for a few weeks. She became extremely depressed and refused to leave the house, etc. I called her PCP and told him what was happening, asking him to please prescribe an anti-depressant for her: he agreed, and prescribed Wellbutrin. Mom was 'against it', naturally, and I told her, "You either take this medication or I will no longer help you. Period." She took the meds and had a huge change in her depression status; her anxiety lifted to a degree as well, and she was able to function once again in society.
This may be the route to take with your MIL, I don't know. Threaten to cut her off if she refuses to help HERSELF with this horrible situation that's been going on for too long now. Does your husband (DH) have POA for her? If so, he can talk to this 'doctor' who's prescribing all this Xanax and see about getting her off of it (slowly) and onto an anti depressant instead. He can give her a choice: either you PLAY THE GAME MOM OR I'LL CUT YOU OFF AND QUIT HELPING YOU. Do you think that would work? It worked a charm with my mother who was deathly afraid of life w/o my support. I will say, THANKS TO GOD your MIL does not want to live with you! :)
If all else fails, you may just have to wait until a crisis occurs with the woman, she's sent to the hospital and/or rehab to recuperate, and they refuse to allow her to return to independent living again. THEN she gets placed against her wishes. And yes, the social worker WILL find a place for her if the time comes that she can't go back home.
She's not 'too young' for AL now. But, if she doesn't have funds, that's another issue entirely. You can't place her in long term care against her wishes, either, so I'm not sure what the Aging Council will tell you. If she allows it, they can do a needs assessment and you can go from there.
Sorry to have written a book. My heart goes out to you. Best of luck.
Do call the Council of Aging, ask for her to be assessed to see what supports she may qualify for and what may be available in your area. I also would consider looking into lower cost of living areas that are withing commuting distance.
And be aware that A Place For Mom is a for profit agency that collects a commission from those facilities that hire it, while they may be convenient they do not cover any options beyond those of their clients.
It does not matter how old you are if you require Assistance with any ADL's you need Assisted Living.
It would matter if the facility has age restrictions but I think at 76 she is past any restrictions on age.
The kicker might be income ..
I doubt that Social Security would cover any Assisted Living costs. And under no circumstances should you or your husband be supplementing her income.
Council on Aging may have some resources that might help.
She may qualify for some in home help
If she is a Veteran she may also qualify for services through the VA . If her husband was a Veteran she may also qualify.